47: A party, my brain says, but the words don't come out.
"Trina, I'm so sorry." She's sitting on the bed, crying. I sit next to her awkwardly and put an arm around her. Tears are rolling down my cheeks, too.
"Haley, it was awful!" she says. "Everyone was just all sad and weepy, it made me cry and I barely knew him!" One of Trina's great uncles died last week, and Trina went to the funeral.
"But you should have seen my grandma, Haley. And my mom. It was so depressing! When I die, I don't want people crying at my funeral, I want them to smile." I think about it.
"Trina, people cry because they are sad. And then after they cry, they feel better." I gesture to the tissues sharing our bed. "Don't you feel better?" She shrugs.
"I guess. But Haley, when I die, I don't want a funeral."
"What?"
She shakes her head.
"I don't want a bunch of people to get to together just to cry over me. Fine, even if they were to do a funeral, I'd want someone to throw a huge party for me later. With lights and music and dancing and fun!" I look at her.
"Really?"
"Yeah! I don't want to make people cry all the time."
I think about it. I'm usually the one who pulls us into comedy movies instead of pathetic tragic romances. I'm usually the one who prefers to make people laugh than cry in drama class.
"I kinda like the idea,” I admit.
Trina nods enthusiastically, her enormous, shiny earrings bouncing up and down in her 12 year old ears.
"I know, right? Hey, Haley, can you promise me something?"
I look at her.
"What?"
"When we're super old like my granduncle, if I die before you, can you make sure they throw that party for me? And then I want you to be happy. I guess you just have to cry a little before you can set everything aside, but when you're happy, you won't cry." She extends her pinky out to me.
"And when we're super super-D-duper old, if I die before you, do you promise to do the same thing?" I ask. We solemnly lock pinkies and promise. Then Trina starts to giggle.
"Everyone's going to think we're crazy!" she falls onto her back against the pillows.
"Can you imagine the lawyer's face when he reads that in the will?" I add. We both start to giggle like idiot 12 year olds. Because we are idiot twelve year olds.
I wake up in a cold sweat, my heart pounding. Finally, I finally remember. Oh, God, what have I done? My hands are shaking as I go to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. A tired, hideous beast stares back.
Why? Why is the promise so different from what I remembered? Why didn't I remember the party at all? No...no, I had remembered. And now other memories I had pushed far, far away come back.
"Haley, is there anything you'd like to say about Trina at the ceremony tonight? I can stand up there with you if you need support."
I don't look at my mom.
A party, my brain says, but the words don't come out.
She didn't want a funeral, she wanted a party. She told me two years ago.
But again, the words don't come. I try a third time, but it's just a strangled sob.
"I know, honey. It's hard for everyone. But I'll be with you, okay?"
No! No, no NO! Why don't they hear me? Why doesn't she hear me?
At the funeral I stand up, I try to speak again. She wanted a party. She wanted everyone to smile. She didn't want anyone to be sad. Why can't I tell them? I run away.
If I told them they wouldn't feel sad. They would be happier. And Trina would be happy. I broke my promise. I lie there outside some meat shop, thinking of what a failure I've become. A man brings me inside. He asks if I'm going to cry.
No. Trina didn't want me to cry. So I won't cry. I broke one promise, I won't break any others.
Why? Why why why? I made myself forget,then. Remembering how I had failed in something so simple, so important, was too painful to even consider. And so I locked it away. Forgot all about it.
God dammit! I hit the pillow in fury. Why? Why am I such a screw up? Why am I so screwed up?
I pick up my phone to call Trevor. He'll listen, right? No. How could I tell him I didn't love him and then expect him to listen to my problems?
I am about to go into my mom's room when I hear the front door open and there she is. Her eyes are red like she's been crying.
"Haley, I'm so sorry-" she begins. But I don't hear her finish. I start to shake again.
"I made a mistake," we say at the same time. I start to cry. She starts to cry. She holds me in her arms and sits me down on the couch.
"What's bothering you?" she asks. And I let loose. Everything I've wanted to tell her for the past four years just BAM! out of my mouth. It doesn't makes sense half the time, I'm sure.
I start with the funeral and tell her how Trina wanted a party and that I hate the colors pink and orange and that I can't forget Trina like she wants because I need to remember her because i just NEED to and how I felt guilty but I didn't know why and that I couldn't feel emotions and then about the bet and Corey and New Years and how now...now I love Trevor but I pushed him away because I felt guilty and now I know why I felt so guilty and I'm a horrible friend and I need to fix this.
"You fell in love?" That makes me smile. Whenever things get too crazy for me, Mom always makes me focus on the happiest and simplest thing first. I just nod.
"That boy from that house?" I nod again. She grabs my hand and squeals.
"My baby is in love! Doesn't it feel great? He's really cute, too. And he seems to like you a lot. I can tell by how he talked about you today. Did he really kiss you at the New Year's Party?" She giggles like crazy. I pull away.
"You talked to them?" She tries to stop smiling but fails.
"I got his home phone number out of your address book." So that's why she wanted my cell phone.
"Haley," she says stroking my hair. Her words begin with a smile, but it slowly fades. "I'm really proud of you. You've been struggling with so much on your own and I...you used to tell me almost everything, right? And all of a sudden, I didn't let you and I...hurt you. Haley, I want you to know that from now on, I'll always be here for you." I nod. She kisses my forehead.
"Let's start packing. We have a house to move back in to."
I look at her.
"Really. I'll need you to stay with the Chois for a bit while I get some stuff settled, okay? I'm going to need to go back to Milan for a few days and wrap everything up there and figure out what to do with this apartment and figure out some way to get hold of your father..."
"Wait, what do you mean 'wrap the thing up in Milan'?" Mom takes my hand.
"Honey, being a working mom was great. I was blessed with you, I was blessed with my job. But I realized today that I missed too much of what was going on in your life, even when I was here. I want to turn back the clock. I'll still work, obviously, just being a housewife would drive me insane. But I want to live at home so I can see you every day. I was talking to my boss before I left Milan in the first place and she was offering me a weekly column in one of the online magazines. I thought it wouldn't be very exciting, but you never know." She looks at me, her eyes sparkling. "I'll still travel a fair amount, but I'll get to live with you again. And this time, no secrets. No hidden grief, no cutting wrists, no pink and orange sundresses. Okay?" A huge grin spreads across my face. I nod and hug her close.
"I love you, Mom."
"I love you, too. But now you need to go tell that boy that." I look at her. Has she been talking to Clarice?
"Have you already told him or does he still think you rejected him?" Oh, right. I just told her all about it.
"He still think--"
"Go!" my mom cuts me off and pushes me out the door. "Go take the car and I don't want to see you back here until you've told him the truth and kissed him like you mean it."
Moms can be so weird sometimes.
"Trevor?" He picks up the phone on the very first ring. "I need to talk to you."
We're walking outside in the park and it's dark. Dark and cold but were both bundled up. And there's a streetlamp nearby.
"Trevor, I made a mistake. I lied to you." He looks at me. "I, uh, I like you, Trevor." He stops walking.
"What?"
I feel even less confident now.
"I love you." It's a whisper. He doesn't answer. For the longest time he doesn't answer. My heart starts pounding through my chest.
"Are you going to take it back?" he asks finally.
I tremble a little, unable to explain what I’m feeling. I shake my head. "I love you, Trevor." This time I don't wait for an answer, I just do what my mom told me. I put one hand around his neck, pull his head down, and I kiss him like I mean it.
"I love you, too," he whispers against my lips.
This. This is how it's supposed to be.
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Well? What does everyone think?
Unfortunately, due to my lax posting, we have dropped to #45 on the Watty Awards List. Kind of sad, seeing as this is almost the end. Just one more chapter. So if you have any final requests/critiques/spasms, now's the time :)
Oh, and what do you think about a sequel about, say, Corey or Janice? How are you guys (dis)liking Janice now?