Several people came knocking on the door throughout the night but I didn't make the same mistake that time and simply cranked up the volume on my mp3 player.
In the end I didn't manage to get much sleep and woke up covered in sweat at five in the morning after a bad dream. I tried to get back to sleep but after tossing and turning in bed for more than an hour, I finally decided to get up and leave before everyone.
Despite stopping to get a hot chocolate and a donut on my way to school, I still got to homeroom thirty minutes early and was the first one there. Not in the least bothered, I got Animal Farm, the novel we'd be studying in English next, out of my bag and started reading it.
I studiously ignored Owen when he sat next to me right before Mr. Sullivan started the roll call and went on ignoring him when he tried to talk to me between each class or on the way to the lunch room.
I bought myself a sandwich, a fruit salad and a bottle of water and chose to eat in my car - well, Mr. Van Houten's – so I'd be left alone.
I was savoring this respite away from everyone when Landon opened the passenger door and sat next to me.
"Houston, we have a problem..." He said, probably hoping it would lighten up the mood. "Three boys are currently seconds away from completely losing their shit... All because of you..."
Three boys? I frowned.
"Yes, three, Poppy." He seemed to have read my mind. "Leo, Nathan and..." He sighed. "And Tyler, of course..." I rolled my eyes. "You need to talk to your bro, Poppy." He went on. "You're all he's got and your rejection is literally killing him..."
"I'm not rejecting him..." I pointed out, pissed off he'd even suggest I was.
"You locked yourself in your room last night..." He argued.
"It had nothing to do with Nate..." I argued back.
"Well, he doesn't know that..."
"And? What's the big deal when everything's already so shitty, anyway?" I countered with a shrug.
"Poppy, you're better than that..." He scolded me.
"Nope." I interjected. "I really thought I was doing the right thing, he was all I had in mind night and day, I quit soccer to get a job so life wouldn't change so much for him. I did everything I could to keep a smile on his smile..." I grunted when I felt tears on my face. "And all that time I was feeling good about myself thinking that no matter what, I was preserving him and blah blah blah when in fact, he was just pretending on my behalf..." I wiped my tears away angrily.
"He wasn't just pretending, Poppy." He said softly. "I saw that kid cry out of laughter more times than I could count. You can't fake that..."
I shrugged.
"You're like an umbrella for him. You catch most of the raindrops before they reach him. Maybe he hadn't realized just how much of a difference you made but he does now..."
"I'm just tired, that's all..." I admitted. "But it has nothing to do with him..." I added to avoid any further misunderstanding. I checked my watch and saw that we only had five minutes left. "We need to go."
"Just come with me to see him, Poppy..." He pleaded.
I sighed but wordlessly followed him to building B.
After entering the Junior School through the glass double door, we stopped in a spacious but empty hall where rows of brightly colored lockers lined the walls, just as the five minute bell rang in building C.
Landon typed a short text on his phone before putting it back in his pocket.
"He'll be here soon..." He then said and I understood that the message had been for Nate.
We didn't have to wait for long before my brother appeared at the top of the wide staircase that was standing in front of us.
His eyes lit up when he saw me and he ran down the stairs like a mad man. When he finally reached us he crashed his tall body against mine and hugged me so tightly that I would have stumbled down had Landon not wrapped his arm around my shoulders to keep me on my two feet.
"I don't think that everything you do for me is useless, Pops." He cried against my chest. "I...I just would like the two of us to have a normal life...That's all..."
"Our life's not that bad, Nate..." I muttered, as new tears ran down my face. "We have a roof above our heads, food, more money than we've ever had. I know you miss Marty and Steven, but you have Leo, now... It could be way worse, you know... We could be sent to different foster families, have some horrible disease... So many people have it way, way worse than us, Nate..." I added, full on sobbing now. "The only thing that matters to me is your well-being. Is that so bad?" By then, Landon was hugging me from behind so I was literally sandwiched between them.
"You deserve so much more..." Nate muttered.
"I don't know..." I shrugged. "Maybe..." I added. "But right now, I'm ok as long as you are ok, so..." I finished between two hiccups.
"How about Tyler?" He said tentatively.
"What about him?!" I shot back more coldly than I'd intended. I didn't want to talk about him, not now not ever. "Listen, we need to go or we'll be late... See you tonight after practice?" He nodded sadly and went on his tiptoes to brush a quick kiss on my cheek with a whispered "Love you, Pops," before running back up the stairs.
Landon and I walked back to our building in silence.
"Where are you going?" He asked me when I headed to the gym.
"To my double PE..."
"You've been transfused yesterday and have fifteen stitches behind your head, you're not seriously thinking of doing any type of exercise, are you?!" He asked, staring at me as if I had grown another head or something.
"I'm already feeling bad enough as it is, take away the only thing that helps and you'll soon be visiting me at the loony bin." I pointed out blankly.
"I can't believe he f*cked up that way..." He growled and it was the first time I heard him bad-talk his best-friend.
"Don't you know the saying bros before hoes?" I mumbled, unwilling to be the cause of a discord between the two best friends.
"Ah! But you're no hoe, Poppy..." He interjected teasingly but I didn't miss the hint of sadness in his steel-colored eyes.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
It took a great deal of groveling but I was finally allowed to practice with a ball on my own while the others played rugby, which Mr. Eriks had deemed too dangerous for me with my stitches.
I wondered who'd told him about what had happened but didn't have the guts to ask him.
Study Hall was pretty quiet, yet I was still glad when the final bell rang.
Keira was at my locker when I got there.
"Hey..." She said hesitantly.
"Hey..." I replied while sorting the books I'd need to do my homework tonight after practice.
"Listen, Poppy," She tried again with her hand on my shoulder this time. "I wanted to apologize for my reaction on Saturday." I turned around to face her and frowned when I saw the unshed tears in her eyes. "I feel responsible for Tyler's reaction..."
I sighed.
"First Leo, now you..." I shook my head. "He's the only one to blame, Keira..." I pointed out, hoping she'd drop the topic.
"You don't understand, though..." She argued. "Homecoming and Prom are like institutions, here, Poppy, and no girl would have reacted the way you did when Tyler announced that he was away this weekend..."
"Keira, he knew I was different... You know he knew! So stop trying to defend him and stop blaming yourself." I interjected, wanting nothing more than for her to take the hint and drop the subject already.
"You need to talk to him, Poppy..." She murmured and I was so annoyed by her insistence that I slammed my locker door violently.
"How can you even look at me with a straight face and tell me that, Keira?!" I yell-whispered.
"The two of you love each other..." She insisted, as a lone fat tear started rolling down her beautiful heart-shaped face.
"If that's what love is..." I snapped. "Then I don't want it..." I started walking away but she grabbed my wrist.
"You don't mean that..." More tears had joined the loner now.
"Like hell, I don't!" I was shouting by now. "It's not as if we'd been together for a long time either!? So why is this so important to you, anyway?"
When she didn't say anything, I freed my wrist and walked away from her to the soccer stadium.
"Go home, Martins." Coach Sloane instructed when I walked past him on my way to the changing room.
"Please, Coach..." I pleaded.
"Fifteen stitches, Martins... Next time you decide to have a dance party in your room, make sure you look where you put your feet." I groaned.
"How do you even know about it, Coach?" I asked him, curious now.
"Your mother called me personally this morning..." He answered and I was so shocked that I actually stood there gaping like a fish out of water for a long moment before I could snap out of it. "Why do you look so surprised?" He asked with his head cocked to the side.
"For no reason, Coach..." I muttered, unwilling to discuss my mother with him. "When will I be allowed back at practice?"
"Next week." He answered, still studying my face. "In the meantime, I want you to rest. And no more ball-playing during PE..." The man knew everything! I groaned. "Have a nice evening, Martins."
That was his way of telling me I had used up my time so after blowing a big breath of air, I dragged myself back to the car park.
I made sure to text Nate to let him know that I'd be home and started the car, feeling more frustrated than ever before.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I was doing my homework in my self-attributed bedroom when somebody knocked on the door.
"Come in..." I mumbled, hoping it wouldn't be Tyler.
When Magda's head appeared at the door, I let out a relieved sigh.
"Can I come in?" She asked with her head tilted to the side and a puppy face so I nodded. She crossed the room and came to sit next to me on the bed. I put my books on the floor and started fidgeting with my hands nervously. "How are you doing, Miss Poppy?" She asked softly in a motherly tone that I'd expect from a mother, not from that nice woman who'd only known me for less than two months.
That thread of thoughts reminded me of my last encounter with my mother and I felt the familiar prickle behind my eyes. I scrunched up my nose at how weak I'd become. I took a deep breath and straightened up and when I looked back at her, I realized that she was still waiting for my answer so I shrugged.
"Mr. Tyler's feeling really bad about what happened, you know..." She said next.
I damn well hope he does! I thought bitterly as the ongoing pain in my chest suddenly seemed sharper, as if to taunt me.
"Tell me something, Miss Poppy, did you talk or allude to his mother before you got to the restaurant?" I frowned at that question.
Either she knew and her question was unnecessary or she didn't and she'd got incredibly lucky...
I nodded.
"She's a trigger, you know..." She commented after bobbing her head up and down several times knowingly.
"What do you mean?" I muttered.
"Most of his crises happen after he either spoke or thought of her..." She explained. "He still hasn't accepted her death and the way it destroyed his family... She was such a sweetheart..." She added with a sigh. "He's doubled his sessions with Doctor Kreuss since that first incident..." She studied me for a few seconds. "He wants to make sure what happened on Saturday never happens again..."
I was struggling hard to keep the tears that were pushing at the back of my eyes from escaping.
"I'm sure you're wondering why he hasn't come to talk to you..." She went on and I shrugged again knowing that opening my mouth would open the dam I was having trouble keeping closed. "He thinks he's no longer worthy of you. He sees himself as a failure." She muttered and my heart started beating erratically inside my chest making me feel even angrier.
Traitor! I thought about my heart when I was suddenly filled with the need to hug Tyler.
I clenched and unclenched my hands hoping it would help appease my anger.
"Is there anything I could do for you, Miss Poppy?"
I gasped. I had totally forgotten that she was there.
Doctor Eliott...
"C-could you ask her to make an appointment for me with Doctor Eliott, please?" I asked barely above a whisper.
"I will, Miss Poppy..." She squeezed my shoulder gently. "I'll have your dinner served here..." She added and walked out of the door without waiting for an answer.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tuesday and Wednesday were pale copies of Monday, except that this time, Owen, Landon and Keira didn't try to talk to me about Tyler. I'd been following Coach Sloane's instructions to the tee and I was seconds away from losing my mind altogether.
Magda hadn't come back to tell me when I'd see Dr. Eliott. He was the only one who could give me tips to get out of the dark place I'd been stuck in for the last four days.
I parked the Range Rover in the visitors' carpark and walked along the path that led to the beach the way we always did to get to the lower building. I was deep into thought so I didn't see her sitting sideways on a deckchair.
In fact, I'd probably have walked past her if she hadn't grabbed my wrist.
"Don't you ignore me you ungrateful bitch!" She shouted.
"I-I didn't see you..." I hissed as her vice grip tightened and the horrendous pain increased.
I never saw her second hand go up until it crashed on my cheek with an incredible violence.
Her hands went to grip my neck and she started shaking me angrily.
"Tell me exactly what you're trying to achieve here?!" She seethed.
"I-I don't know w-what you're t-talking about..." I managed to croak.
It wasn't the answer she expected apparently since she slapped me twice, leaving me dizzy.
"So that's how you're going to play it, then..." She sounded manic. "Why exactly do you want to see Doctor Eliott?" She then asked.
So, that's what this is about... I thought, confused as hell.
"I-I'm not doing too well at the minute and I feel he could help me move on..." I explained, hoping the truth would somehow soften her.
"So you weren't planning to tell him about me and Bryan?" She asked in an overly sweet voice. "Or about our current living arrangement?" She went on.
"Well I'd probably have mentioned it, yeah..." I admitted.
Clearly I should have lied because the blows literally rained after that so that I had to squat with my arms above my head to protect myself.
"From the moment you were conceived, you've done nothing but ruin everything for me..." She hissed through clenched teeth. "But don't be mistaken, Poppy. Now that I'm finally back where I belong again, I won't let you or anyone ruin things for me, so you'd better stop trying!" She slapped me once more.
"B-but I'm not trying to ruin anything for you, Mom..." I cried desperately. "If anything, I-I miss you because I love you, Mom..." She gasped and let go off me at that. "And so does Nate..." I added, before sitting on the floor with my arms around my knees.
"Bianca!" Bryan's voice startled us. "What the hell's just happened?!" He shouted while running down the steps. "What's wrong with you, woman?!"
"She attacked me..." Gone was the startled look she sent me when I'd told her Nat and I loved her. Her fake despair mixed with her hunched shoulders and her lowered gaze made her look like the perfect victim.
"Bianca..." Bryan exclaimed before studying her in silence for a long time. "Talk to me, Bianca..." He then said with furrowed eyebrows. "Why are you so angry with Poppy?"
"Sh-she attacked me!" She repeated, pretending to be outraged he would doubt her.
"Enough!" He snapped and she jumped. "You chose the wrong place to wait for Poppy..." He then explained, his disapproval hard to miss. "There's a camera right there..." He pointed to a small device hidden right above the deckchair she'd been waiting for me on. "And security sent me the video as soon as they saw you grabbing her..."
Her despair was no longer fake when she flopped down on the chair with her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.
"Why do you keep accusing her of ruining things?" He then asked after sitting next to her. When she didn't answer he went on, "Are you still stuck with what happened in high school?" His voice was softer now. "Because Poppy isn't responsible for my mistakes, Bianca. Nor is she responsible for your decision to seduce Daniel to get back at me..." He went on. "We were young and we both made mistakes, Bianca." He paused. "We've been back together for years, now. You know I've never stopped loving you, we're expecting a little boy..." He sighed. "Poppy and Nathan have already been through enough after he left. They've been more than patient with us and never tried to go against your decision of having them stay at the lower block..." He rubbed the back of his head. "What else do you want?" He sounded at a loss.
"They look so much like him..." She whispered. "Whenever I see their eyes I see him and the reason I went to find him in the first place..." The blood froze in my veins at her words.
"Ok..." Bryan looked so miserable all of a sudden that I started fearing for the worst. "Why did you really wait for Poppy, here, today?" He murmured.
"Because she sent Magda to ask me to make an appointment for her with Doctor Eliott..." She answered blankly, all the fight seemed to have left her.
"Doctor Eliott?" He repeated.
"Her counsellor..."
"And how is such a request ruining anything between us?" His disbelief was painful and I was really worried that after hearing her answer he'd send her packing for good.
"She would have told him about our affair, the baby, our living arrangement..." She muttered.
"Well, obviously!" He exclaimed. "She clearly wouldn't ask to go to a psychiatrist to tell him her latest score at Mario Kart!"
"I guess she thought it would make her look bad..." I intervened weakly when the two of them had been silent for a few minutes.
"No offense, Darling, but you haven't just looked bad since you've moved in with me..." He interjected. "It's now the second time you've hit your daughter... Just look at what you did to her..." He added and she turned to look at me. "Look at her face..." His anger seemed to be resurfacing. "I love you, Mom... Those were Poppy's words after you beat her up earlier. And so does Nate... She added and you looked baffled afterwards as if you didn't think you actually deserve their love after everything..." He paused. "However when I got there and asked you what had happened, what did you do?!" His voice was eerily quiet but his jaw muscles were twitching indicating that he was boiling inside. "You f*cking told me she attacked you..." He was heaving. "Do you realize how Poppy must be feeling right now?!"
"Poppy and Nathan..." She spat. "They are all everybody's talking to me about. Christian, Magda, you, Owen, Tyler... It's as if nobody gives a damn about me and the baby anymore..." She added. "They look at me as if I was some sort of monster..."
"Well, put yourself in their shoes for a minute, Bianca..." He interjected, clearly exasperated and scared. I hoped he wasn't second-guessing his feelings for her. "For years, they've heard you talk about Nathan and Poppy and now that the three of you live here, you've been nothing but mean to them..."
"I didn't know moving in would bring everything back..." She cried out, tears now streaming down her face. Our eyes met shortly and that's when I saw it. My mom was broken inside and right then, she needed my help otherwise she'd really end up losing everything.
One look at Bryan's stormy eyes and I knew I had to intervene now.
"Can I just say something, Bryan?" I asked barely above a whisper.
He nodded.
"Don't give up on her another time..." He frowned at my request. He clearly hadn't been expecting me to defend her. "I know things are pretty ugly right now but at least, it's finally all out in the open." I pointed out. "If we all work together I'm sure we can succeed in making this work..." I added a bit more confidently now that I seemed to have his full attention.
"What do you suggest we do?" I grimaced at his defeated tone.
"Doctor Eliott was a huge help after Cam's suicide and our father's sudden departure..." I suggested with a small shrug.
"I don't want to wash my dirty linen in public!" My mother exclaimed.
"You're not really in a position to argue, Bianca..." He snapped at her. "Poppy is doing her best..." I groaned. He was doing exactly what had triggered her outburst in the first place so I interrupted him.
"Psychiatrists are bound by their duty of confidentiality, Mom. They're not allowed to reveal anything that's discussed during sessions..." I argued.
"You do realize just how much money the Van Houten Empire is worth, right? They are celebrities..."It was the first time she was talking to me normally in months. "Paps are constantly observing us whenever we leave the chalet... Imagine what would happen if somebody with bad intention was to reveal all our secrets to them..."
"Tyler's been seeing one for years..." I argued weakly.
"She's right, Bianca...And I'm pretty sure we could find someone trustworthy to help us..." I let out a small relieved sigh when I recognize a hint of hopefulness in his voice. "If you're willing to try, that is..." I grimaced at this last part.
"Can you give me some time to think about it?" She sounded like a kid. Bryan was clearly disappointed by her request but didn't say anything, he simply nodded once.
"I'm going to take Poppy to the clinic to make sure nothing's broken..." The hateful glance she sent me afterwards told me that my earlier assumption that things were looking up had been totally preposterous. "Do you want to come with us?" He added a few seconds later.
Say yes, say yes, say yes... I silently prayed.
"I'm feeling a bit tired..." She started but I cut her off.
"Please, Mom! I'd like you to come with us..." I pleaded and I saw her eyes lit up with motherly love. It wasn't much but it gave me hope, if not for her future with Bryan, at least for our relationship.
"Ok..." She muttered. "I suppose I'll have time to rest later..."