A/N: LAST CHAPTER AHHH
_____________________________________________________
I picked up a flower.
Gene and I were both walking to the ward together and I briefly glanced down and saw a daisy. There were two missing petals and the middle had dirt covering the yellow insides, and I picked it up.
Gene gave me one of her confused looks, the one she does where her bottom lip pops out to the side and her eyebrows furrow together, the right one more than the left. I stared at it and I gingerly felt one of the petals with my fingertips. It was soft and smelled like rain and I smiled at it. I felt like it was smiling at me too.
"We're gonna be late, Winn." She had said, a small smile appearing on the corner of her lip.
"Yeah. Okay, sorry let's go."
I placed the daisy back down on the ground gently, walking away from it with my hands stuffing themselves into my pockets soon after. Gene and I have been walking lately, almost everywhere. We walk to the market, to the mall, to the movies, to Izzy's house, to the ward, and just about anywhere our feet can take us. Gene at first notified me that the reason behind her actions was so she could save money on gas, but then one day it was raining and we locked arms and ran under the nearest tree and she was laughing. I laughed too.
"God, that was exhilarating. I love it." She said.
She still hadn't released my arm.
Gene was in rehab for almost a month. The center that my dad had found for her allowed her to stay there for a few weeks and when she went in, she looked terrified and couldn't stop scratching her knuckles. But the day that we were waiting for her to come back to us, I saw that the dark purple color that would usually be under her eyes was fading and she was wearing these red leather gloves that went up to the very top part of her fingers, her digits naked while the rest was hidden.
She still didn't have a smile on her face, but she looked calmer and less fidgety.
"Hi." She spoke when she saw me near the entrance of the place. I smiled immediately and brought her into my arms, hugging her tightly. She giggled.
"Winnie, I was only gone for a month, not a bloody year."
"Stop nagging me and just hug me back you twat."
She did.
The drive back home was more tranquil then I had expected it to be. My parents had decided to skip work that day to take Gene home and throughout the whole ride, she was telling us stories and experiences that had happened to her from beginning to end and I could tell that she wasn't lying about one thing.
"The first week was hard. Um like they wouldn't let me take any pills for the first few days, even if I said I had a headache and I threw up a few times and-"
She chuckled this sad and embarrassed chuckle.
"Yeah. I was a mess."
I rested my head on her shoulder and she sighed.
"But then the second week they gave me like these sugar ones and it helped a little but yeah. Um the therapy was alright. I still rather have a therapist from the center but I mean what could I do, you know?"
My mum then told her how she made an appointment for Gene with this new lady at the center that they got if she wanted to try her out and Gene just shrugged. I could practically feel the strong urge that she had to say no, to just give up on everything and go back to her old ways. But she was just trying so hard to rid of all of the negatives in her life and she had spent a whole month in a place she didn't want to be for the sake of us and I don't think she wanted to throw all of that - even if it's a small bit - recovery she had made away.
She's stronger than that.
"Alright. I'll see her." She responded.
We went to the ward together, our separate appointments with our therapists around the same time. Hers was only half an hour after mine, so I would wait for her to come out and we would hang out the rest of the day together. We were becoming closer, I felt. And even though she still wouldn't tell me the reason behind her new gloves, I knew that there was probably a personal reason behind it, and I didn't want her to feel so pushed into spilling all of her secrets out all at once, so I didn't question them. She had done enough already anyway and I knew that I had to be patient with her.
I still have this feeling that it has to do with her knuckles, one of the most scarred parts of her body. That she's afraid or disappointed by them, her hands reminding her of her past or maybe even being a temptation to do those horrible things to herself again. It's like me with my photographs. So I understand, even though I don't completely.
I saw Izzy one day staring at them, at the red leather and how Gene was still wearing those gloves even though the weather outside felt almost scorching.
"Aren't your hands burning in those?" She asked, Gene.
Gene gave her this soft smile that always seems to appear when she's around my best friend.
"Don't worry about it." She whispered.
Izzy just nodded and forced one back, Gene patting her shoulder a little in reassurance before we continued our game of Go Fish in the park.
Izzy and Gene had been getting closer lately. Very close. And it warmed my heart. Cooper told me that he thinks it's warming their hearts too, especially Izzy's. I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that until one day I saw the two of them hugging. Gene's eyes were closed and Izzy was rubbing small circles in the bottom of her back with her thumbs. We were just going to the movies.
I was beginning to talk like a normal person, the speech therapist I would see three times a week helping me improve my pronunciation of words. I was surrounded by children and elderly people at the place, feeling like a black sheep but feeling also comfortable at the fact that no one there was going to judge me for not being able to even say, "The bird flies high in the sky." without mumbling everything as if I had cotton balls in my mouth. Many people had it worse than me however. An eighty-one year old man there named John crying almost every time he tried to say a sentence.
"You're doing great, John! Don't cry." His therapist would say.
He would just shake his head and cry even more.
"T-this i-i-is w-why m-m-my gra-grandkids don't wan-t-t to c-a-all me-e-e." He would stutter. He always stuttered. And I felt my chest always hurt. I don't think there's anything sadder than seeing a kind, old person hating themselves over something that's hard for them to control. It can make someone feel scared of their own future, make them think about whether they're going to end up like John. That when they're old they're just going to be sad, alone, and still fixing themselves.
I took that as motivation instead, using people like John to drive me to improve. I felt that maybe if I succeeded, I could show people like him that there still is hope left. I had been silent for fifteen years - on and off a bit - and I knew that it was finally my time to be heard. So I worked hard each session, even buying audio books on my Ipad to listen to at night, Gene letting me practice with her, the two of us having simple conversations to work up my vocal skill.
"You're doing good, sis. Seriously. By next week, I bet you'll be able to pronounce W's, easy."
I did. I was improving more and more each week, each day, each month, and I felt powerful and intelligent as if I never knew those things existed before and I had just discovered them. It was emotionally emancipating and seeing, Gene work hard too by being more open and social with others, made me feel like the sky could be reached with just a simple jump from the ground and that I could hold on to it as long as I wanted.
Kanwell one day even spoke to me about my development, a grin on her face appearing that made her look lovely.
"May I add, Ms. Queen that you sound very nice. I can see the astonishing improvement."
"Why, thank you."
Then her hands clasped together over her lap and she took a deep breath.
"As you know, I am a therapist for the deaf."
I nodded. I could see the tip of her lip dropping a little, but she kept it up when she saw how I noticed.
"If you would like, you can change me for another suitable psychologist that is for young adults that can hear."
My happy mood dropped and I wasn't sure if I could look her in the eye much longer.
"But I've gone to you for so many years."
"Yes. I understand. But now that you are speaking, I wasn't sure if you would like to change that. You are allowed."
"I don't want to change that."
She smiled genuinely again.
"Okay then. You don't have to."
"Yeah."
"I'll see you tomorrow then?"
"Yes."
She nodded and we said our goodbyes before I finally walked out the room and waited there on the bench for, Gene. Her sessions are with a woman named Dr. Nazeen and even though her office is on the other side of the center, I still waited for her there right across from Hane's office. Right across from his bench. Sometimes I found myself just staring at it. It was always empty and looked like it was screaming for some attention and I would turn away at times when I felt like it was looking at me too. I missed, Louis. I missed his t-shirts, his long pixie hair, his sneakers that are always tied, his laugh that's loud and high pitched like his voice, his voice, his mind, the way his long eyelashes rest on his cheeks when he sleeps, the way he would sweep strands of hair away from his eyes, and so much more that hurt my heart too much to think about.
I wondered what he was doing. If he finally got to try that scone from Starbucks he always had wanted to try, if he would look at the rain and think about happy things and how I always thought him to be that rain, if he finally listened to Liam and stopped stealing his socks, if he was happy. Gene used to tell me to just search him up on google, see what's been up with him on the news, but I was always too cowardly to do so. I was scared that I would find articles about him that would be untrue and that I would believe them. I was afraid that I would see a picture of him and Eleanor smiling and that I wouldn't be able to hold back anymore. That I would just text El, and beg her to tell me what he had found so funny.
I was aching for him.
I still am and though I'm the happiest I've ever been, a small part of me feels regret and hollow. That small part only being able to be filled if a certain person were to come back. And I tried to put that thought in the back of my mind. I tried so hard. But then there would be days where Coop and Danny would come over while Izzy was getting a checkup and Danny would ask for a light for his cigarette and I would pull out Louis' lighter and get reminded of everything. And then there would be other days where Gene and my parents would be sleeping and I had my Ipod on shuffle and one of his band's songs would come up. I would listen to all their albums I had on repeat for a few hours until I couldn't take it anymore.
I couldn't even delete his number. I thought that I would never see him again, yet I couldn't erase a few pixels. It made me feel like I still had him and what a foolish thought that was. Some nights, some long car rides, and some dreams, I would imagine Louis being older and being married. I would imagine that eye crinkling smile he would have on his face as he would lift one of his children up into the air like they were the world. I would see his wife hugging him at night or rubbing his back when he was sick or needed encouragement, her simple touch giving him hope again. I imagined, Louis being happy in the future, that his family became his open windows and those thoughts brought me both pain and joy. But then a few times, my mind would pan up to his wife's face like a scene in a film and I would see someone else, someone absolutely brilliant, and I would cry and squeeze my fists tight until I felt my nails dig into my palms.
Those days were the worst ones for me. But those were also the days when Gene would hear me and walk herself into my room, hugging me tight with her hands bare as she reassured me.
"Everything's going to be okay. It's you and me against everything. Alright?"
I would nod and she would slip herself under the covers with me, the two of us watching Netflix on my Ipad in silence until we would drift off to sleep. I don't comprehend how I overlooked Gene for all these years, how I didn't want to hang out with her. She has become one of the closest people in my life and when I look up at the sky or down at the ground, she's always looking with me and I don't feel alone anymore. I don't think she does either.
Ruby and Renee one day knocked on our door, Renee holding a whole tupperware of brownies and the three of them went up to her room for what seemed like hours. I heard them talking and screaming and laughing through the walls and when the door finally opened, I saw how all three of them were crying, their faces all red and puffy with smile playing on their lips.
"Don't kill yourself. Okay?" I heard Ruby whisper in Gene's ear while they were hugging goodbye at the door.
Gene hugged her tighter and nodded.
"Yeah."
It was the most genuine response I had ever heard and I almost started crying myself.
They visited almost every week, Gene beginning to invite Izzy and me along with them so we could all get to know one another. I found out many things about these girls and why Gene is so fond of them. Ruby is a major Star Wars fanatic, the type that squeals at even the sight of a piece of merchandise. Whenever we would go to the mall together, she would always make these puns that no one would understand, Gene and Renee rolling their eyes at her nerdy personality. Izzy and I would just tilt our heads in confusion. Neither of us had seen Star Wars.
"It's a Chewbacca joke." She whispered to the two of us once when Ruby saw a terrier with a lot of hair and kept on making weird sounds with her tongue at it. The owner looked as lost as we did.
"Right." I said.
Izzy shrugged and Gene chuckled.
Renee on the other hand is one of those hipster girls that would have an aesthetic blog on Tumblr or something with like a million followers. She always dressed fabulous and could tell you the brand of a top from a quick simple glance. I think I was more impressed than scared.
Gene seemed comfortable with them, seemed happy and natural and open like they were her family. And maybe they are. The bond was strong and I was glad that she hadn't even mentioned green haired, high girl that she had brought home months ago when everything was still bad. I told, Coop one day how I didn't think they were frost giants, how they seemed to be more than that.
"You met them didn't you? What are they then?"
"They're just Ruby and Renee." I responded.
Coop laughed slightly.
"Well I'll be damned."
Izzy liked hanging out with Ruby and Renee, she told me how she thought them to be good people. But I knew that she enjoyed the time with her and Gene when it was just the two of them better. I didn't even know that they would hang out by themselves until one day I kept on calling Izzy after speech therapy and she wouldn't answer. I called, Coop instead, a bit worried.
"Whaddup?"
"Does Izzy have a checkup today or-"
"No. Why?"
"She isn't answering her phone."
There was silence for a while and then there wasn't when he began to laugh. I felt so confused.
"God, Izzy is really crushing. Big time."
"What? She's with a boy? Izzy knows a boy?"
He laughed even harder.
"Coop, you dick!"
"She's probably with your sister numb nuts."
"She's with, Gene?"
"Probably. That's usually who she's with nowadays."
And then it clicked right there and I couldn't ask Sylvia to drive any faster. I was smiling, so fucking hard and when I got up to Gene's room and saw Gene painting Izzy's nails as Izzy was looking at her, I smiled even harder.
Gene had spotted me.
"Oh h- What is it?"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"You're smiling like the joker when he was about to ask those two boats to decide who to kill."
I shrugged.
"Nothinggggg."
"You're acting weird."
Izzy was still looking at Gene, a small blush on her cheeks. Gene was still holding her hand.
"I'm just happy today."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Gene's eyebrow's raised and she shook her head a little in confusion.
"Alright then. Well that's good then I guess. Now get your big butt over here and let me paint your nails. Your nail polish has been chipped for weeks and it's been buggin me."
I nodded and laughed knowingly before obliging to her request. She painted my nails purple and Izzy's were blue and white.
"Oh! They're just like the book cover! Oh my god! I love them! Thanks Gene." Izzy gushed when Gene had finished.
Gene's cheeks turned red and she glanced down at the floor modestly before shrugging.
"Yeah. No prob."
It had been like this for the past months, hard at first but now different. Sometimes I would just think why I never lived like this before. Why I had just given up and never had looked at the big picture. But I soon realized that it was because I have hung all of them up on those laundry lines. All those pictures, all those possibilities. I wanted to freeze time and pretend that nothing had happened to me. But that isn't living. Living is having so many new memories, so many pictures that you need to buy huge boxes to contain them in and that's what was finally happening. I was overflowed with pictures and videos of laughs and smiles in my head with people that I haven't even truly noticed before.
My mum told me that she was already planning the next anniversary party for the center. She wanted it to be bigger than last years since so many new patients had arrived. I usually would be annoyed by the whole celebration thing, counting down the days until I would have to speak with people who can't even look me in the eye and people who think they own me because they donate money to this place. But I didn't care about that anymore. I was ready for it. Gene was ready for it too.
We didn't exactly help out with the whole decorating thing since my mum pays people to do that, but we did help with decisions. Gene and I both picked an appropriate yet fun playlist that would play the whole time, the snacks that would be set on the white tables outside near the patio, and where the worker guys should place the balloons. Gene and I both agreed by the tables and entrances so people would have an easier time finding them.
My mum looked happy with everything, most of all happy at the fact that we were both breathing in more ways than one. Everything was less suffocating lately, my body feeling as if it was breathing in a fresh breath of air whenever it was needed. It was all feeling so easy.
Then the day came of the party and I felt pretty satisfied with how everything was arranged when I finally got to look at the yard in all of its beauty. My mum got lanterns this year instead of those Christmas lights. It made it seem as if we were all floating in the night sky with huge stars surrounding us. Izzy, Coop, Danny, and even Celeste came too, all of them dressed sharp and beautiful. Coop even went all out and wore light blue contacts to match Danny's tie.
Gene was dressed in this dark gray dress that shaped her hips, her black tights hiding her pale legs and her lips covered in this light pink lipstick. Izzy couldn't stop looking at her and vice versa.
"You look, um nice." Gene said to her.
Izzy was wearing a bright white dress that went up to her knees, it puffed in the bottom half and made her look like a real life Disney princess of the sort. She blushed and Coop was whispering something in Danny's ear.
"Thanks. You do too, Gene."
Then we all sat down around one of the white tables in the grass, Celeste having gone to look for my parents. Ruby and Renee were talking with Danny about his football team and Coop couldn't stop pining over him as he did so.
"This isn't that bad." Izzy commented, her eyes glancing around the party at all the adults and patients, a small smile appearing on her face soon after.
I shrugged and so did Gene.
"I guess. Last year it was pretty bad though. This guy kept on asking me if I had stolen his sister's dress." My sister stated.
Izzy giggled and scrunched up her nose.
"What, really?"
"Yup. I told him that she lent it to me."
"Do you even know who his sister is."
"Nope."
I felt myself beginning to laugh and Gene giggled, taking a sip from the champagne glass. My parents ordered non-alcoholic champagne this year, trying to get me to slowly get used to real alcohol. It's not exactly the real thing, but baby steps.
"What about you, Winnie? Any wild stories from past center parties?" Izzy turned to me, the other four discussing the phone numbers of Danny's fellow attractive players that he refuses to give Gene's friends numbers to.
I know many. I mean I have ones that only appear in people's nightmares they were so horrible. Like the guy that tried to take my hand after he spent almost half the party loudly masturbating in the bathroom or the time that this woman wearing this glittery dress told me that I reminded her of Shirley Temple and would not let me forget it. But only one really popped out in my mind. One that wasn't horrible or disgusting. One that was pure and one of my most favorite stories to think about.
I felt my eyebrows furrow at the thought and my chest was hurting.
"Um yeah." I began.
Gene wasn't smiling anymore. Neither was Izzy.
"Louis came to the last one. He didn't want to talk to Hane and I didn't want to be down here anymore and-"
I began to remember him in that ridiculous suit of his. The one he wore that made him look like a a pencil trying to be a crystal. His hair was gelled back, it was evident from the sleek on the top, yet he had so many loose hairs falling over his forehead. I didn't notice how blue his eyes were then and I regret not having looked at them, how wonderful they would've looked if I had. Even with all those cheesy lights that were ever so surrounding. He has that color people would give up everything for, just so they can look into them as close I could have that day. I noticed however how his lips were thin but gentle looking, how they looked equivalent to dandelions.
And then I took him to my room, using him as an excuse to leave and hide and we hid together.
"He was scared of me at first. Thought I was probably some weirdo fan that was going to lock him up in her room for good."
I felt my hard expression calm the more I thought of it, the more I thought of Louis.
"He told me that he liked it better when I didn't use that stinky Ipad of mine. You remember when I used that thing to talk?"
I was laughing now and my right hand was resting on the corner of my mouth, held in a fist.
"And that idiot was still trying to flirt with me anyway! And he still didn't leave! Even though he knew I couldn't talk and that I was wearing that hoodie of mine."
I was laughing even more and I realized how I wasn't even looking at any of them. Coop, Danny, and the other two were now looking at me too. They were all quiet and listening.
"He still talked to me. Even the next day. He saw me and waved and no one had done that before an-
"Winnie."
I look up at Gene, seeing how she was smiling at me, soft and with a bit of concern hidden in her tone. I had some liquid in the rim of my eyes and I wasn't even aware until that moment.
"Oh. Um yeah and that happened last year."
"When was the last time you spoke with him?"
I wasn't sure who really asked that question, whether it was Renee or Ruby. All I knew was that whenever I even thought of Louis, everything felt like it was sinking. And there I was talking about him, wondering what he was doing right at that moment and whether or not he wondered about me too, if even a little.
"A few months. More than half a year." I whispered the last part and when Izzy went to reach for my hand, I forced a smile and chuckled.
"Oh god! Look at me! I'm ruining my makeup. I'll be right back guys. I'm going to go reapply my lipstick." I lied, leaving the table quick enough for no one to follow. I was going to get a smoke. I was going to place a cigarette in between my lips and use his lighter and pretend that he was going to be there with me and that it was raining. Hard.
I'm not even wearing lipstick to begin with.
I had to stop to shake hands with a few people quickly so I wouldn't seem rude, but my mind was only set on that one thing. That idea of forgetting for a while. And then my mum stopped me right outside the entrance to the house from the back. She was smiling with her bright red lipstick and her teeth were still perfectly white and my eyes felt like they were going to flood.
"Hey sweetie, Hane just got here and he wishes to speak with you."
"I just have to go to the bathroom quick. Just really quick an-"
"It'll only take a second. Please. Come. Come."
She looked excited and elated and bright and for some reason, she really seemed like she wanted me to see Hane. As if he had the answer to all of my problems and was going to tell them to me like Dr. Phil or someone who has one of those popular talk shows that everyone knows about. But I knew he didn't have anything I needed at the moment. I mean, I have everything with me now. I have my family and my friends and the night and the moon, but my heart and my mind were both still feeling so selfish and I was trying my best to tell them to stop and each passing second was getting harder. But my mum grabbed my hand and she was rubbing circles on the roof and I felt myself whisper something that she nodded to and all of a sudden we were both walking to the kitchen.
I saw Sylvia first, talking with a few people alongside Vlad. She winked at me when she spotted me and I was getting more and more confused the more I walked down to where my mum was taking me. It almost felt like a path was made just for the two of us. Like we were walking down the yellow brick road to OZ and everyone was there rooting for it all.
And then I saw the back of Hane's head and saw how he was talking to someone. There was laughter coming from the both of them and my eyes were widening. I was surprised that I was still even walking, that I am still walking.
There he is. Talking with Hane in a T-shirt and a dark black blazer. I can't quite read the words on it since I'm still too stunned to even move.
"It's gonna be alright." My mum whispers in my ear.
I just keep on mouthing Louis' name and for a second I forgot that I could actually talk again.
"Hane." She then speaks, the chunky man turning around at the immediate sound of her voice.
He smiles at me and at her and is the world even moving right now?
"Diane! Winnie! What a lovely party. The decorations are absolutely stunning."
My mum smiles back and Hane begins to walk towards us, I glance behind him, my mouth shut and Louis' eyes widening right when they meet mine. Yeah. Maybe the world isn't moving. At least not this second.
Hane shakes my hand awkwardly and I want to apologize for how fidgety I am, but I can't find any words to speak.
"Louis. How nice of you to make it." My mum talks again. Everyone seems to be saying something around us. The room is just loud and crowded and wow. I really can not stop looking at him.
"Hello there, Mrs. Queen. Thank you for inviting me."
He talked and his voice sounds the same. It still sounds like a violin.
"Well, all are welcome as you know. Thank you for coming."
He gives my mum a hug and our shoulders brush together as he does so and my breath catches in my throat. Is he going to hug me too? Would I be able to survive it? How am I surviving right now?
"Winnie. Um hi"
Fuck. I still love him.
"Hi."' I whisper.
My mum is no longer next to me, she moved aside and Louis is standing right in front of me, not knowing what to do with his hands. I don't even know where Hane is.
"How are you today?" He asks.
"I'm fine. How are you, Louis?"
His shy smile shifts a little on the corner of his lip at the last part.
"Fine."
My mum is gone now too.
Louis nods.
"You're talking."
"Yeah."
"Nice."
His hands go to his pockets and I want to hug him and melt.
"How do you like the party so far?"
I don't think I even look sane at the moment. I feel like I probably look like a mad woman getting ready to jump off a cliff.
He shrugs and I have to stop myself from shrugging back. It hurts. All of this hurts so much.
"I'm not quite sure. I just got here a few minutes ago but I mean-"
He slowly scans the room and nods again before we meet gazes again.
"Seems buzzing."
"It is."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
"You look good. I like the heels."
"They hurt my feet. A lot."
"Then take them off."
"I was about to go to my room to smoke and maybe do that."
He isn't fooling anyone anymore. The air got thick and I think we're both choking on the silence clouding around only the two of us.
"Is that so?"
"Yeah."
He doesn't move and neither do I. That smile of his is gone and I wish I could say something to make him genuinely laugh so I can see those crinkles again.
"You wanna come up too?"
But instead I say that.
"Yes." He mutters, so lowly that I'm not sure if that word even actually released from his mouth or if it's just my imagination, if this whole situation is my imagination.
I notice that his face is shaved.
I nod and I walk away. He's following right behind me as if there's string tied between us.
...
"Haven't been here in a while." He comments once he walks in a small whistle following after.
I close the door behind him, trying to shut out all the noise from downstairs and I quickly take off my shoes, my feet feeling so much relief once I do so.
He chuckles and I want him to do that again right after.
"Sorry, it's kinda dirty."
"It's fine. Really."
I flat out the bottom of my dress with my hands shyly and I see how he won't stop looking at me.
"You want a smoke?" I offer.
"Sure."
I walk myself over to my bed on the left side right beside my nightstand and I pat the spot next to me.
He hesitantly obliges, the bed sinking a little once his bum rests itself upon the mattress. He's not close enough. I want to feel his warmth again so much that my hands are shaking. He's even wearing that cologne he knows that I like. That fucker.
"I see you got new Elvis posters."
I had gotten five. Two of them from this thrift store near the city, one that Gene bought me online, and the last two given to me by Ruby's grandma. Those are my favorite ones. They're authentic and even curl at the sides from the age.
"Yeah."
"I like 'em. Even though I would kinda be freaked out if I were you."
I was leaned over to the side a little, sliding out my drawer to grab my pack.
"Why so?"
"All those eyes looking at you. And the eyes of a dead guy too."
We sound so civilized, yet I feel like we both are putting on this facade to mask our true uncertainty.
"You have thousands of eyes looking at you at your concerts."
"Yeah but they're not dead and besides, I can only see like maybe twenty of them at most."
"You're paranoid."
He laughed and I finally got the pack, placing it on my lap before I begin to look for the lighter. His lighter.
Fuck.
I didn't even think about that.
What if he wants it back?
"I just enjoy my sleep."
"Yeah. Touché." My voice cracked at the last part.
"Hey, is everything alright?"
I finally grab that stupid red lighter and I hide it in my fist, closing the drawer and bringing myself back up. I give Louis a fake smile and he doesn't return it.
"Can you maybe open the window? I don't want to smoke downstairs in front of my mum an-"
He nods quickly and stands himself up, going to my window only about two feet away. A small wind hits us both and I begin to open the pack of cigarettes, placing the lighter gently on the right side of my leg temporarily so he won't notice.
He sits back down and I grab us each one cigarette, hoping that the smoke will take me away for a few seconds, even with him so close to me. Thank God it's not raining.
"Thanks." he mutters as I hand him one.
He immediately places it in his mouth and I do the same before finally revealing the lighter, the item I've been too weak to give up.
It's a just lighter for fucks sake. Yet here I am freaking out about it.
I don't make any eye contact with him as I spark the small flame and light the tip of his cig. He doesn't notice at first, his eyes too busy looking at the sky in front of him. We can both hear a plane flying by.
And then I light mine and that's when he decides to glance over. I close my eyes and feel the cloud of smoke releasing from my lips. It's warm and it's all I need.
"You still have it?" He asks, he whispers. He keeps on fucking whispering and it's driving me mad.
I still don't look at him.
"Yeah."
He grabs it from my hand and I almost sigh at the touch of our fingers brushing. He does things so delicately. I've always loved that about him.
I take another blow from the white stick and I open my eyes to stare out beyond like him. I wish I had turned the lights off, so he couldn't see me, so I couldn't see me.
"You still have it." He repeats, it sounding like a statement now.
I don't respond this time.
"Why do you still have it?"
Another blow.
"Winnie?"
"It's a cool lighter."
"It was my lighter."
I shrug.
Another blow.
"You can take it back if you want."
"No. I want you to keep it."
My eyes are watering again and I scoot myself farther away from him, just a tad so it's not too noticeable. I somehow find the guts to look over at him. His eyes are gaping at me with this sense of something within them. His cigarette is just burning at the tip in one hand and in the other, his thumb is brushing along the faces of our favorite heroes.
"Keep it." He says.
"Louis."
"Please."
I shrug. He shrugs back and my hand goes to it, my eyes going to it as well. He holds on to the very ends of my fingertips as I do so and I know he did it on purpose.
I just let him hold them for a while anyway.
"Do you have an ashtray?" He asks.
I nod.
"Get it. Quickly."
"Why?"
"I want to hug you properly."
I feel myself swallow hard and I take one last blow of my cigarette before walking off my bed and going back to that damned nightstand that seems to be miles away. I grab it. It's glass and round and still has a few buds laying around inside.
I notice how he stands up too and we both kill the flames. I feel so cold from the wind outside and when I place the ashtray back inside that drawer, I go back to him and he wraps his arms around me desperately. My eyes are closed against his chest and his fingers are digging into my back and I shiver.
He holds me tighter and we stand there, embraced with one another right in front of that open window. One of his hands slowly goes up to the back of my head and I feel his thumb beginning to create these soft and calming circles upon it.
'Louis.' I mouth.
I just keep on mouthing his name to no one. He pulls away a little and smiles down at me, his eyes doing that thing that they used to do when he would look at me.
"I want you to take that lighter from me, Louis."
I don't want to stop saying his name. I don't ever want to stop.
That smile I love fades and his hands hold on to my forearms. I can almost feel his breath.
"I don't understand. Why? Don't you want it anymore?"
This time I smile.
"Let me clarify. I want you to steal it."
His lips separate a little.
"And give it back to me tomorrow."
He smiles again, the crinkles beginning to show with each passing second.
"But robbers don't return things." He teases.
"But you can. Just this once. You're not like most robbers."
He nods.
"Where do I return it to you? At the ward?"
"No. At lunch."
His hands slide down from my arms to my hands and his eyebrows rise in questioning. I nod a little, just a little, and he intertwines our fingers. Then I begin to realize something right there as the breeze continues to hit us and as the many Elvis posters just stare.
I didn't know I was homesick until I looked at him and saw everything I have ever given him still locked behind his eyes.
It's all still there.
...
Gene and I are standing on the grass barefoot. Our toes are curling and are feeling the texture of the soil right beneath our feet and our hands are holding each other.
We're at the summer home. There's a storm coming apparently and her picture is being held in my other hand as we stare at the laundry lines. The area looks like a graveyard for memories and lost salvation. It's almost sickening to look at.
"I've never seen this place before." Gene whispers, speaking as if she's talking about some wonderland that she's only heard about in stories. That's how I used to be too when I would look at the place. Now it's just a reminder of who I used to be. And maybe that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a thing I don't want to focus on completely anymore.
"Yeah. Not a lot of people have."
She continues staring at it in awe.
"And this is the last one?" She states, talking about the picture.
I nod.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
I glance down at the wrinkled polaroid in my other hand, the image of my aunt haunting and creating this chill down my spine.
"I don't want to forget anymore."
I show her the picture and I feel her whole body tense in place.
"Where'd you get that?" She asks.
"I've had it. For years now."
"Is that-"
She takes a deep breath.
"Is that her?"
"Yeah."
"Oh."
Her hands are still wearing those gloves and I can only imagine all the permanent wounds hidden underneath, all of them there and created because of those thoughts of our aunt tormenting her to the point of self destruction.
"You can go inside if you want." I suggest.
She shakes her head and gives my hand a squeeze.
"Nah. I wanna do this. With you especially."
"Okay."
We both take deep breaths and begin to walk to those lines. There are a few pictures that are destroyed that are still hanging on for dear life from the pins, praying that someone would save them and lift them up again. I was planning on cleaning up this whole place with Coop and Danny one day so they could get their wish. So those memories can die with the day and night.
Each step is going faster and faster and maybe that's just how life is when you begin to realize that you're apart of something bigger. I mean maybe the first few years that I've lived haven't been the greatest, but I got to meet people from this pain. I got to overcome something that most people would find impossible. And that's an absolutely exceptional thing to realize. Especially for someone like me and for someone like Gene and for anyone really.
I'm tired of letting all of this bad crap poison the air. And even though some days I still won't be able to stop it since there are things that we can't control, I now know that the next day it may not be there anymore and that everything will feel fresh again.
"You ready?" Gene asks.
We're standing right in front, my finger tips touching the wire and sliding across it gently.
"Yeah."
They stop once they reach the pin and I let go of Gene's hand for a brief second, standing on my tippy toes to pin the damn thing. And then the next few seconds, she's there, staring at the both of us with a wide smile on her face that neither of us have seen in person before.
The picture is pinned and Gene grabs my hand again.
And then it begins to rain.
____________________________________________________________________________________
I TOLD U GUYS IT WOULD BE A HAPPY ENDING. TRUST ME FOR ONCE PLZ.
haha. Maybe you shouldn't. There still are two more book to go so...
lmao.
What did you guys think? Gene and Winnie conquering life together like partners in crime and Lounnie being canon at the end. In all seriousness, this book has meant so much to me and over this year and many months, I've read comments about people saying how this has taught them things, how it has meaning. And I want to thank you all for saying such nice things and for sticking with me. I'm just curious though. What have you learned? The people who said that. I just want to know. Writing this has opened my own eyes to things and yeah maybe I sound stupid for being so like this about a fanfiction, but this means more to me than just that... And I really do hope it met all of your expectations. I hate to disappoint.
I love you all.
And I may do a short epilogue, if you guys really want one. But to be honest. I don't think it's needed. But you all can easily persuade me if you wish since I'm a major pushover so yeah. The next two chapters in this story, as promised, are going to be a short story of Gene and Izzy's relationship. I don't know when I'm necessarily going to actually start it. But it's going to happen and I will title those "Gene and Izzy" just in case some you aren't really interested. But yeah.
I love you all again and the side pic is of a polaroid and side song reminds me of Lounnie tbh.
Thank you all,
Sabrina.