After dark in the Magic Box in the training room, I was punching a puffy punching bag ahead of me repeatedly, vigorously.
Giles and Buffy were standing nearby.
"So he actually said it this time?" Buffy asked. "He actually said 'I love you'?"
"Do we have to talk about this?" I asked, turning to face Giles and Buffy.
"How obscene is all this?" Buffy asked.
"Well, it is very strange," Giles told me. "I mean, I can't imagine what he's thinking." I tilted my head, turning back to the punching bag, punching it repeatedly. "No--not that you're not attractive."
"That's not the issue, Giles," I told him.
"Then what is?" Giles asked.
"Kinda blaming myself for this," I answered.
"That's ridiculous," Giles told me. "You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels."
I stopped punching the bag. "Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, 'Ooh, that's the one for me'."
"And you're sure it doesn't have anything to do with anything else?" Buffy asked knowingly.
I gave Buffy a look, punching the bag repeatedly, more frustrated, kneeing it.
"Zoey, I think you should perhaps calm down," Giles told me.
"Me, too," Xander told me.
I had completely forgot that the punching bag was Xander in a hockey goalie mask and a big, puffy fat suit. "Oh, puffy Xander. Um..." I took the mask off of him. "I'm sorry. I got--I guess I got carried away. Are you okay?"
"I'm alive," Xander told us. "I can tell 'cause of the pain."
"Do you want to sit down?" Buffy asked.
"I'm not that bendy," Xander told us. He nodded to the wall. "I could lean."
"I'll get some ice," Giles told us, walking out, leaving.
Buffy and I helped Xander waddle over to the wall, helping him lean against it.
"Here," Buffy told him. "Comfy?"
Xander nodded. "Oh, yeah. This leaning? This is the stuff."
I nodded, looking away. "See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap them around a bit. You torture them. You make their lives a living hell and--"
"Zoey," Xander told me. "The problem is not you. Don't do this to yourself, please."
"I know," I told them. "The problem may not be me, but it's in me." I sighed, shaking my head. "I don't know how to explain it."
~~~~~
The next day, Mom was going out on a date, in a dress that had food and flower designs.
Dawn and I were teasing her.
Mom spun around to show off the dress.
"I might like it more than the others," I told her. "Can you spin around again?"
Mom spun around again.
"Ooh, I'm not sure," Dawn told her. "Once more."
Mom spun around again.
"Now, could you go the other way?" I asked.
Mom started to go the other way, realizing, looking at us. "You're messing with me."
Dawn laughed.
I smiled. "We just wanted to see how many times we could get you to do it."
"Was that five or four and a half?" Dawn asked.
"Gonna talk about my dress?" Mom asked.
"I like it," Dawn told her.
"You sure?" Mom asked. "I mean, it's not too Mom-ish?"
"Oh, that was why I liked it," Dawn told her.
"You're both crazy," I told them. "It's not Mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, 'Randy sex kitten. Buy me one drink, and I'll--' Oh, wait. That's not really good, either."
Dawn shook her head. "Uh-uh."
"Oh, God," Mom told us. "What time is it?"
I checked my watch. "4:23. You have lots of time until 7:00. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops. Now, tell me about this Brian and what his intentions are."
"Maybe he's a gigolo," Dawn told us. "Was his shirt all shiny?"
"No," Mom answered. "He works for a publishing house. He's a nice, normal guy, kay?"
"I think I've heard of those," I told them.
Mom stepped closer. "He came into the ER one night after a minor car accident..."
"And you helped him on his way back to health and happiness," I finished. "And now he wants to thank you in the best way to thank you."
"Sounds sweet," Dawn told us. "So, what's the plan for tonight?"
Mom thought. "Dinner and then a movie. Or maybe it was a movie and then dinner, which might be better, because, you know, then we could talk about the movie." I nodded. "Or maybe a movie isn't a good idea at all, because you can't talk during, and then what's the point of any of it?" Dawn shook her head. "Oh, and about the restaurant. Do you think that it should be one with candles and romantic music, or is that pushing it? Zoey, what do you think? Should I try to make things romantic, or sort of let him set the pace?"
"Oh, no," I told them. "Love doctor Zoey is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly one boyfriend, and one college fling, and they both left. Really left. Left town left."
"Honey, you just had some bad lucky," Mom told me.
I shrugged.
"Well, you're going to that spring break party tonight," Dawn told me. "Maybe you'll find someone there."
I nodded. "Mm-hmm." I looked at Mom teasingly. "Or maybe Brian has a son, and Mom and I can go on some awkward double dates."
Mom took a deep breath. "Oh, God. Brian. What time in it now?"
I checked my watch. "4:24."
"You sure the dress is okay?" Mom asked.
"Mm, spin again," Dawn told her. "Real fast this time."
Mom gave Dawn a half-hearted look.
Dawn and I smiled.
~~~~~
At the spring break party, Xander and Buffy were dancing to the fast paced song.
Tara, Willow, Anya and I were talking at the side of the party.
"I let them do that," Anya told us. "Dance together. That was me."
"Very nice of you," Tara told her.
"A good deed," Willow told us.
I nodded. "Yes."
"I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now," Anya told us.
The song ended.
Xander and Buffy stepped off the dance floor.
Buffy went to talk to Ben, and Xander and Anya went to get snacks.
A girl walked in.
I looked at Willow and Tara. "Who's that?"
"That's the girl that Anya and I saw earlier," Tara answered. "She's looking for someone. A boyfriend, I think. She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely."
The girl looked around. "Warren? Is Warren here?"
Willow, Tara and I walked toward Anya and Xander.
"I thought you were getting the crunchies," Willow told them.
"Xander got hypnotized by the strange girl," Anya told us. "I am remaining calm, however."
Willow and I started to eat the snacks Anya held.
"Uh-uh," Xander told us. "No, I'm--I'm right with you. You don't know what you're talking about. Here she comes."
The girl walked toward us. "I heard that Warren was here. Is Warren here?"
"Um, Warren who?" Xander asked.
"He's... Warren," the girl told us. "And he's looking for me. He lost me." She walked away to look through the party. "Is Warren here?"
Tara walked closer. "It's that girl again. Is she still looking for Warren?" We nodded. "Weird. It's been, like, all day."
"That's something strange about her," Willow told us. "She talks funny."
Anya looked at Xander. "Some men find that appealing."
"I just hope she finds him," Tara told us.
"Somehow, I don't think a girl that looks like that's gonna be lonely for too long," Xander told us.
"Definitely not," Willow agreed. Tara raised her eyebrows in amusement. "Oh, not me. I was just saying, a pretty girl like that, there's always someone lurking around, looking for some action."
I smirked. "I'm gonna go get a drink."
I walked toward the punch bowl, pouring myself a cup.
Spike walked toward me. "Small world. Oh, dear. If looks could stake. Are you having fun, pet? You, uh, trolling for your next ex? I gotta say, you could do better."
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
Spike shrugged. "It's a free country. Free party. See, that look makes me believe that you don't want me here. But if you want me to leave, you might have to put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me."
"I'm so not in the mood for this, Spike," I told him, starting to walk away.
The girl walked toward us. "Have you seen Warren?"
"You asked me this before," I told her.
The girl smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't recognize you. Now I do." She looked at Spike. "Have you seen Warren?"
"And who are you?" Spike asked.
"I'm April," the girl answered. "I'm looking for my fella." She looked at Spike critically, seeming to see something different about him. "Vampire."
"How--how do you--" I started.
April grabbed Spike by his jacket, lifting him up from the floor.
"Hey, hey!" Spike told her.
April threw Spike out of the wall of windows, making them shatter and Spike fall to the ground outside.
The entire party stopped, looking at April in shock.
~~~~~
Spike stood, looking at April incredulously. "Bloody hell. You threw me through a window."
"You're a vampire," April told him. "You need to leave."
I shrugged. "You heard the girl." Spike walked away, leaving. I turned to April. "Excuse me. Hi. Um, maybe you and I could talk, you know, 'cause throwing Spike through a window... Well, that's really good. But, you know, generally--"
"Do you know my boyfriend?" April asked.
"Okay, I think you need to take a second and stop looking for your boyfriend," I told her.
April pushed me several feet through the air, making me fall to the floor. "I have to find him." I sat up. April walked closer. "If I hurt you just now, I am sorry. And I hope that your boyfriend will take good care of you."
April walked out, leaving.
Buffy, Willow, Xander, Anya and Tara walked toward me.
~~~~~
We were in the a college lounge, all alone.
"I don't know about you guys, but I've had it with superstrong little women who isn't a Slayer," Buffy told us.
"At least she didn't do too much damage," Tara told us.
"Are you kidding?" Xander asked. "Double-glazed glass ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. Oh, dear God. I'm the grownup who sees the world through my job. I'm like my Uncle Dave the plumber, and I must be shunned."
"Okay," Willow told him.
Tara smiled.
"So, what do you guys think she is?" Buffy asked.
"Well, she was pissed when she saw that Spike was a vampire, and she could that just by one look," I told them. "I mean, this may sound nuts, but I kind of got the impression that she was a--"
"Robot," Tara finished.
"Oh, yeah," Xander told us. "A robot."
Everyone nodded.
"Yeah, I was gonna say robot," I told them.
"What do you think she wants?" Buffy asked.
"Warren, whoever that is," Tara told us.
'It's gotta be the guy that built her," Xander told us.
"It's an unusual name," Willow told us. "There's hardly any, except Warren Beatty, and you know, President Harding. It's--it's probably not either of them."
"Will, can you track down this guy with only a first name?" Buffy asked.
"Given enough time," Willow answered. "I can get a list of the Sunnydale students named Warren tonight, but then we'll have to call them or go to their dorms, so we probably can't start narrowing it down till tomorrow."
"She could do a lot of damage by then," Anya told us.
"To who?" Xander asked. "Spike? See how vigorously I don't care. She was looking for this Warren, but it didn't sound like she wanted to hurt him. She said he's her boyfriend."
"I agree," Willow told us. "I'm not sure this is a code red. Is there a code pink?" Tara smiled. "We need more codes."
"Okay," I told them. "We'll track down Warren tomorrow. Tonight, I better go back and rescue Giles. He's been watching Dawn while my mom's out on her date. And I have a feeling there's only so much he can take."
"Oh, Giles and Dawnie?" Tara asked. "I bet they ended up having a blast."
~~~~~
At home, in the foyer, Giles was standing in the doorway in front of me. "Dear God, Zoey, there's only so much I can take. We're gonna have to change the system. A 14-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her."
"What'd she make you do?" I asked.
"Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance," Giles answered. "Then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys."
I chuckled. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Zoey part night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So, if you wanna trade--No, wait. I wouldn't give that memory up for anything."
"A robot?" Giles asked. "Sounds interesting."
"We're gonna work on it in the morning," I told him. "Unless you wanna stay. Then you and I could--"
Mom walked in from behind Giles. "Who wants to hear everything?"
I looked at Giles. "Listen to my mom talk about boys."
"Right," Giles told us. "Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye, Layla."
"Bye, Rupert," Mom told him. Giles walked out, leaving. Mom closed the door, looking at me. "Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be."
"I don't know," I told her. "I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me."
Mom walked past me toward the table to put down her things. "I suppose, by your standards, it could seem pretty..." I turned to face her. "Oh, God."
"What?" I asked.
"I left my bra in his car," Mom told me.
I looked at her in surprise. "Mom!"
"I'm joking," Mom told me.
I sighed. "Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that."
"I left it in the restaurant," Mom told me.
I covered my ears, walking up the stairs. "No more, no more. No more!"
Mom looked up the stairs after me. "On the dessert cart."
"I can't hear you!" I told her.
Mom smiled.
~~~~~
The next morning, the Scoobies were in the Magic Box.
"And you're certain she was a robot?" Giles asked.
"Absolutely," Buffy answered.
"She practically had 'genuine molded plastic' stamped on her ass," I told them.
Anya looked at Giles. "She was looking for someone named Warren."
"Will's already check the Sunnydale enrollment," Tara told us.
"And got nothing," Willow told us. "I found one Warren, but he moved out of the country a year ago. I'm checking nearby schools."
"Whoever he is, he knows his stuff," Xander told us. "That girl, well..." He chuckled. "That was a nice-looking girl."
We looked at Anya.
"It's okay for him to say that, 'cause I know that he really loves me only," Anya told us.
Xander and Anya smiled.
"Is there something the rest of us could be doing?" Giles asked.
"What can we do?" Xander asked.
"Do you have any book on robots?" Tara asked.
Giles nodded. "Oh, yes. Dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before--" Xander shifted uncomfortably, obviously not liking the idea of research. "No, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm."
Xander smiled goofily. "Funny. Charming and funny."
"Hey, I--I think I found him," Willow told us, writing down the address on a piece of paper. "A Warren Meers. He went to Sunnydale High with us for a semester, then he went to the tech college over in Dutton. I've got a local address where his folks still live."
"He's probably home for spring break," I told them.
"I'll go talk to him," Buffy told us, taking the address from Willow.
"No, no, wait," Giles told her. "We don't know what you're walking into. We have no idea what his motive is for building this thing."
"Fine," I told them. "I'll go, too."
Buffy and I nodded.
"Um, don't you think she's just..." Tara trailed off.
"Yeah," Willow agreed. "She's just sort of a..."
"She's a 'Sexbot'," Xander told us. "What guy doesn't dream about that? Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you, willing to do anything." We all gave him a look. Xander chuckled. "Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything, but he'd get it."
I pressed my lips together.
"Why would anyone do that if they could have a real live person?" Anya asked.
"Maybe he couldn't... find a real person," Willow answered.
"Oh, come on," Buffy told us. "The guy's just a big wedge of sleaze. Don't make excuses for him."
"Uh, I'm not," Willow told us. "I'm just saying people get lonely. Maybe having someone around, even someone you made up? Maybe it's easier."
"But it's so weird," Tara told us. "I mean, everyone wants a nice, normal person to, you know, share with, but this guy, if he couldn't find that... I guess it's kind of sad."
I looked down.
~~~~~
Buffy and I got to Warren's parents' house, about to knock.
The door opened, revealing a girl and a guy on the other side.
I looked at the guy. "Warren, right?" I didn't wait for an answer. "Great. We have to talk to you."
The girl looked at Warren. "Who's this?"
"Is this about her?" Warren asked.
"Yes," Buffy answered.
"Her who?" the girl asked. "Warren, something's going on here. Strange girls."
"Katrina, please be quiet, okay?" Warren asked. "This is important. Wait in the kitchen."
"And I'm not important?" Katrina asked. "Warren, just tell them to go away."
"I can't," Warren told her.
"You're keeping secrets from me," Katrina told him. "Other girls and who knows what else."
"Katrina, shut up," Warren told her.
"That's it," Katrina told him. "Forget it, Warren. I'm gone."
Katrina walked past Buffy and me.
"No, Katrina!" Warren told her.
Katrina walked away, leaving.
Buffy and I stepped into the house.
I closed the door behind us.
"My name is Buffy Summers," Buffy told him. "This is Zoey Francis. We were at Sunnydale High together. Do you know who we are?"
"Yes, I know," Warren answered. "April. Did she hurt someone?"
"Not yet," Buffy answered. "Well, no one that matters."
"She's looking for me," Warren told us. "She followed me here."
"Okay, kind of figured that out," I told him.
"No, no, there's more," Warren told us. "There's something you need to know about her."
"We know," I told him.
"No, wait," Warren told us. "This is important."
"Believe me, we worked it out," I told him.
"No, this is something that you can't possibly know," Warren told us. "She's a robot."
I nodded. "Uh-huh."
~~~~~
Buffy and I were sitting in the living room.
Warren was pacing nearby.
"So you have girl troubles," I told him. "They're not talking to you. You're not getting dates. You start thinking, 'Hey, this isn't fair'."
"Yeah, I felt like I deserved to have someone," Warren told us. "Everyone deserves to have someone."
"So, naturally, you turned to manufacturing," Buffy told him.
"Kind of," Warren answered.
"And how long did it take to build yourself that little toy?" Buffy asked.
"Oh, no, she's not a toy," Warren told us. "I know hat you're thinking, but she's more than that."
"Look, I'm sure she has many exciting labor-saving attachments," I told him.
"No, I made her to love me," Warren told us. "I mean, she cares about what I care about, and she wants to be with me. She listens to me and supports me. I didn't make a toy. I made a girlfriend."
"A girlfriend?" Buffy repeated. "Are you saying--Are you in love with her?"
"I really thought I would be," Warren told us. "I mean, she's perfect. I don't know. I guess it was too easy and predictable. You know, she got boring. She was exactly what I wanted, and I didn't want her. I thought I was going crazy."
"Really?" I asked sarcastically. "You?"
"Then something happened," Warren told us. "Katrina was in my engineering seminar, and she was really funny and cool. She was always giving me a hard time, real unpredictable. She builds these little model monorails that run with magnets and... Anyway, I fell in love with Katrina."
"Swell," Buffy told her. "Romance and magnetic trains. But first, you decided to take April out of the box, play with her for five minutes, and then what? You got bored, decided to dump her, tell her to go away?"
"Kind of," Warren answered.
"And she got mad," I told him. "She didn't go away, huh?"
"Okay, I didn't really dump her as much as I went out and didn't come back," Warren told us. "I left her. I left her in my dorm room."
"You left her in your dorm room?" Buffy repeated incredulously.
I looked away, putting a hand to my head in exasperation.
"I figured I could just get away until her batteries gave up, which should have been days ago," Warren told us.
"Did you even tell her?" Buffy asked. "Did you even give her a chance to fix what was wrong?"
"I didn't need to fix anything," Warren told us. "Her batteries were supposed to run down. I mean, really, they should be completely dead by now."
"So why aren't they?" I asked.
"I don't know," Warren told us. "Maybe... She must be recharging them somehow."
"Warren, this is important," Buffy told him. "Is she dangerous?"
"She's only programmed to be in love," Warren told us.
"Then she's dangerous," I told him. "Do you have any idea how to find her?"
"She's looking for me, so my guess is she's probably pretty close," Warren told us.
We nodded.
~~~~~
Buffy, Warren and I were walking around the block.
"April!" Warren called. "April, are you there? If the batteries are still working, and she hears my voice, then she'll answer."
"She's voice-activated?" I asked.
"I made it so that if she heard me and didn't answer, it causes this kind of feedback," Warren explained.
"Wait," I told him. "If you call her and she doesn't answer, it hurts her? You're one creepy little dweeb, Warren."
Warren didn't answer, calling out. "April!"
"Warren!" April called.
We walked toward the sound of her voice to see that she had Katrina unconscious in her arms.
"April," Warren told her.
"Where have you been?" April asked. "I couldn't find you, and this girl kept lying to me, and then she went to sleep."
~~~~~
April wouldn't put Katrina down.
"April, what did you do?" Warren asked.
"Please don't be angry, Warren," April told him. "I'm trying very hard to make you happy."
"April, I want you to put the girl down," Buffy told her.
"Warren, what should I do?" April asked.
"Talk to her," Buffy told him.
Warren looked at April. "Put her down. Give Katrina to these girls."
Buffy and I took Katrina away from April, laying her on a nearby park bench.
"Is she broken?" April asked.
Buffy felt for Katrina's pulse. "She's alive."
I sighed in relief. "Thank God."
"Warren, honey, what's going on?" April asked. "Why did you go away? Is it a game?"
"No, no, this isn't a game," Warren answered.
"Did I do something wrong?" April asked. "I waited a long time, and you never came back. A long time. I made you five sweaters."
"That's great," Warren told her. "You could go back there and get them. So you could wait there--"
"Warren," I told him. "You have to tell her. And do it right."
Warren looked between us.
"What is she saying, Warren?" April asked. "What do you need to tell me?"
"April, I made a mistake," Warren told her.
April smiled, shaking her head. "You can't make mistakes."
"No, I did," Warren told her. "I thought that I made you everything that I wanted. But it wasn't what I really wanted. I'm sorry, but it's over."
"But I can be whatever you want," April told him. "I love you. I'll do whatever you want. Would you like a neck rub?"
April walked toward Warren, reaching toward his neck.
Warren grabbed her hands. "No. See, I know that you love me, but the truth is... I can't love you. It's not your fault, but... I don't love you." There was static and beeping, like something was wrong. Warren was afraid, backing away, pointing at me. "I love her."
April looked at me, growling.
"She growls?" I asked. I looked at Warren. "You made her so she growls?"
"Well, I..." Warren trailed off.
April grabbed my arms, throwing me through the air, making me land on the grass, walking closer to the teeter-totter, slamming a fist onto it to break half of it off, swinging it toward me. I rolled out of the way, making her hit the ground, standing. April tried to hit me again. I caught it, struggling to pull it out of her grasp, but I couldn't.
Buffy grabbed April from behind, throwing her into a bench, making it shatter, the wood pieces cutting into April, revealing her wires and metal underneath the skin, short-circuiting.
Katrina woke up due to the noise, sitting up. "What's going on?"
"No, no, Trina, get away," Warren told her.
Katrina stood, backing away toward Warren.
April stood, punching Buffy in the face hard enough to throw her through air and fall to the ground. She turned to me, trying to punch me. I ducked, backhand punching her in the face, making her turn away.
"What is..." Katrina trailed off. "What..." April turned toward me, her skin ripped away to reveal more of the wiring and metal, short-circuiting. "That's a robot."
"She wasn't just for sex," Warren told her.
"Is that--is that your ex-girlfriend?" Katrina asked. Warren stammered, turning to Katrina. "No. Get the hell away from me."
Katrina ran away.
"No, no, Trina," Warren told her. "No, wait. Listen to me. No."
Katrina and Warren ran away, leaving.
April tried to punch me. I caught her arm, trying to punch her. April caught my arm. Both of us tried to pull away, but the other wouldn't let go, making us spin under our arms.
April headbutted me in the face, letting go of my arms, gripping my throat, lifting me off the ground. "You took my man. I'm going to kill you."
Buffy grabbed April from behind, pushing her back, standing next to me. April tried to punch me. I ducked. Buffy backhand punched April in the face. I kicked her in the stomach, making her fall to the ground, closer to the playground, on the sand. April was short-circuiting more and more, standing.
Buffy grabbed a swing, kicking April in the face, making her fall, hitting her in the face with the swing. I grabbed April from behind, taking her arm, ripping it off, making sparks fly and her short-circuit.
"What's--what's happening to me?" April asked. "Warren? Where are you?"
Buffy took April's other arm, ripping it off.
April had to stop completely, shutting down.
Buffy and I looked at each other, sighing.
~~~~~
Xander was fixing the window that April had thrown Spike through while I watched. "See, you construct the wood jamb and frame the glass into it, and that's what you set into the opening."
"Yeah?" I asked.
"One of the cool things about that, you see, is the jamb can be shimmed to be square, even if the opening isn't," Xander told me.
"Shimmed?" I repeated. "Is that even a real word? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?"
"Yeah, I do," Xander answered. "Scary, isn't it? I think I've actually turned into someone you want around after a crazed robot attack."
"And if you ever start your own business, you'll have your slogan right there," I told him sarcastically.
"Well, robots are the strangest people," Xander told me.
"No, people are the strangest people," I told him. "I mean, look around, Xander. Everyone's obsessing about being with someone. I don't need someone, Xand. I just need me. I'm comfortable being alone with Zoey."
"Well, I'll say this," Xander told me. "She's a pretty cool person to be alone with."
I smiled. "Thank you."
Xander and I smiled, chuckling.
I had been on my own for a long time.
I could be for longer.