[important!!] please return and reread the the last chapter, at least up until the smut! i made some significant changes after posting.
the last scene of chapter 18 in the parking lot was also less drastically changed, but it helps to reread for extra context.
if you'd like the TLDR instead (although the chapters are def worth the reread if you want those new, juicy Beau details ;)), i'll leave a list of the significant changes at the bottom of this chapter in the a/n.
happy reading! <3
*+*❅*+*
I woke up at the ass-crack of dawn to the sound of the front door squealing open and to the feeling of Beau shoving my shoulder hard enough to bruise.
"Wake the fuck up!" he hissed loudly into my ear, and finally shoved me hard enough to push my fat ass off of the bed. I landed on the fluffy rug with an unfortunate thump and a painful squeal of complaint.
"What—!"
A familiar feminine voice rang through the house. "Beau! We're home!"
Beau looked jerkily at me. "The window. Fast."
I scrambled to get to my feet, but a sudden weakness struck my legs and I hit the floor again, sucking in a pained breath. Aches seared through my back, my thighs, and my hips. The sound I made was hardly muffled by the rug as the fibers stuck uncomfortably to the inside of my mouth.
"What was that?" A male voice.
"Go," Beau growled, running to open the bay window. His eyes shone not with fear, but sheer and unadulterated terror. His voice was low and gravelly with sleep, turning it from scared to scary. "The roof slopes down, it's maybe seven or eight feet after the slide. You'll be fine. I do it all the time."
"On these fucking legs?!" I snapped, struggling to find my balance and gripping the desk for support. Both of us were dressed in nothing but cum, so I reached blindly to find my boxers and jeans. "No fucking way. Nuh-uh. I'll break my neck."
Beau, now in a pair of briefs, hoisted me to my feet and carried me to the lip of the window as we scrambled to yank my—his? I couldn't tell—pants up my thighs and wipe at my stomach and chest. I found my phone and wallet laying on the bay seating, shoved them both in a pocket. Heavy footsteps clopped up the stairs and I could feel the terrified tremble in his body."Too fucking bad, Romeo. Walk it off, I do it all the time. Just don't get caught. I'll keep them inside."
"But—!"
I was cut off by a surprising, biting kiss. Desperate lips gripped mine for no more than two seconds before a loud knock sounded on the door and, with a helpful push from Beau, I dove out ass-first of the window. My shirt followed swiftly, whacking me in the back of the head just as the glass slammed behind me hard enough to shake the panes and the curtains were drawn with a sharp swish.
"Come in! Sorry, I just dropped some textbooks."
I took a deep, processing breath. Turning from the blue curtains to the outside view, I saw the sun was just creeping over the horizon, spilling its golden yolk over the trees and dewy grass. The wind pinched my face like tiny needles and condensation soaked my pants. Sitting here, the voices through the wall were muffled but legible. The same male from earlier boomed louder than Beau.
"You sure? Sounded like someone else was up here... you been drinking?"
"What? No."
"Smoking? Do I need to smell your breath?"
"No, Rick. I'm sober."
"...Bringing boys home?"
A little strained this time. "Of course not."
I started looking around, seeing the roof sloped down on either side of me. Slowly and with a grimace, I started scooting to the edge, detangling and pulling on my shirt. The seams were exposed along the sides, but I didn't have the sense or time to take it off to turn it the right way out.
"If you're seeing one, you know I have to let your parents know, right?"
"There's nobody my parents should know about, Derrick."
I heard quiet shuffling as I dangled my legs over the curved lip of the roof. I was going to jump, but curiosity gripped me just tightly enough to keep me in place.
"After the academy, forgive them for being cautious. You didn't just have secret relations with a man, he was—."
"I told you, I'm not gay. There's no—"
"Says the boy who's been caught not once, but twice with a busted face—"
"That first one was a rumor! There's a reason they let me stay on campus—"
"He was an authority figure! That's why you stayed as long as you did!" A pause, then a cold voice. "Not that you deserved that kindness."
"Oh, you fu—!"
"What's this doing on the floor?" a new, feminine voice cut in.
A pause, then Beau. "Ah. Chain must've broken."
"Doesn't look broken to me, or to anyone with eyes. Did you take it off?" the man interrogated.
"No, I—"
"Did you, or did someone else? What are those on the bed?"
A thump and rustling, then Carrie's voice from downstairs. "Oh, cut him some slack, guys! Stop shouting!"
"There's no-one in my fucking bed, Derrick! Get out, you woke me up!"
"'Thought you were studying."
"And I thought you had common sense. There's nobody here, there was nobody here. Now leave."
"You—!"
"Let him be, Dad," Carrie butted in with a sigh. "He's right that there's not a boy here. No point in pestering about something you can't prove."
"Goddammit, Beau, I fucking know you're lying." The man—Derrick—was angrier now, his voice licking fire. "I bet he's fucking hiding in here somewhere."
"Look wherever you want," Beau snipped. "As long as you get the Hell out once you're done."
"Watch your mouth, young man," the voice I assumed to be Carrie's mother tutted.
At the sound of thumping and shuffling, I jerked to slide down the lip of the roof. My heart was suddenly pounding, my breathing tight. I looked down between my legs at the dizzying drop.
I couldn't jump.
"Is he in your wardrobe?"
The bang of a door flying open.
"Rick, stop it! There's no-one here!"
"Don't lie to me. Is he out the window?"
"Derrick—!"
I jumped.
Just before I heard the hiss of the curtains sliding across the iron rod, I went sailing over the ledge of the roof. My legs buckled painfully as soon as they hit the grass, and I collapsed behind a bush with a poorly bit-back yelp of pain. My heart was pounding, rattling my chest and squeezing my lungs.
"Did you hear something?"
I wobbled to my feet and ran, my shirt inside-out and my—Beau's—jeans covered in grass stains, around three house and down the block. Each step was an uneasy miracle of God and it was some wonder that I didn't collapse into a heap in the middle of the road. Every part of my body ached and trembled, sending a thick tunnel of pain rocketing up my spine.
My brain was running a million miles a minute. I had brushed hands with the threat of discovery, and the very idea of having the world know I was... was...
My stomach rolled. I stumbled, nearly tripped. Cradled my stomach, then my hips from the terrible pain there. Burped wetly and pressed a fist to my lips.
A thought ripped through me. The idea that this little... on-the-side dream of Beau was finite and dangerous. That if I was caught, there were real consequences. I mean, first of all, I had never talked to my parents about anything of the sort before. What if what happened to Ted happened to me and I was disowned? Kicked out? Or what happened to Beau, and I was sent away? The thought of being estranged from my mother and siblings sent a rich pang of anxiety pounding through me like the a crack in a bell.
And then there was college. I was banking on hockey scholarship to pay my tuition since my parents couldn't afford it, but with sports... it was unpredictable. If I was outwardly gay, there was the potential to lose candidacy. I wouldn't go to school, or have a future, or a family. This morning, sitting on my hookup's roof, I was half a second away from ruining my life.
Every fear, every anxiety that had been repressed into the deepest crevices of my mind since that first night in the car came crashing back like a biblical wave, sending salt and sand and reddening pain up my noise and in my eyes. My body shook. I stumbled.
Maybe two blocks and a corner away from the house, I threw myself onto someone's porch bench and vomited into their pretty, flowering bushes.
"Fuck," I said. And 'fuck' indeed.
*+*❅*+*
Once I got a hold on my stomach, I called Iza to come pick me up.
She arrived maybe ten minutes later with food from my favorite burger place and a large soda to share, only to find me pathetically keeling over the porch fence with my head tucked deep into my palms.
"The fuck happened to you?" she asked, pulling into the driveway and making me look up through my fingers. Her hair was done up in a sloppy bun and her makeup was smeared and cakey. As she stepped out of her black pickup, her crop top and jeans looked rumpled and smelled faintly of booze.
"I should be asking you that," I replied, mumbled through my hands. "You look like shit."
"And you look like you ate shit," Iza quipped back, reaching to grab me under the arm. "What happened to your face? And your shirt? Wait, Luke, were you vomiting into the Hansen's bushes?"
I groaned, letting her help me to my feet. "You know these people?"
"Saw their son last night," she laughed, helping me step into the car. "At some Greek party. He's in the frat that hosted, pretty nice guy, but his parents are family friends."
Holding the car's overhead handle, I hesitated to sit down. "Ah... cool."
"I'm dropping you home, right? I can't stay, I have a paper to write—." Iza made her way to the driver's side door, climbed in, then turned to see me still struggling to figure out how I was going to sit. "What the fuck is your problem?"
Sucking in a deep breath, I just did it, slumping down in one go. A rocket of pain tunneled through my body, and I let out a slight gasp, shutting my eyes, feeling tears spring to the corners.
I heard Iza's laugh, brazen and knowing, heard her hum through the soda straw. "Are you really making me pick you up from a booty call? Those aren't your jeans, are they? And have the rest of the soda. I'm not sharing after you threw up." She turned the key in the ignition. "Clearly you had a good time, huh?"
My face warmed. "Sorry. And I... I mean, no. It didn't really end well."
"What do you mean? Did y'all have breakup sex or something? I hear that's a thing people do." The car hummed under us, pulled out of the driveway with a smooth gait, and breathed a chuff before rounding out of the street. Iza snapped on a pair of horned sunglasses as quiet reggaeton played through the car speakers.
"We weren't together to begin with," I murmured, taking my burger from the paper bag and taking a bite. It was only alright today. "And I mean... his family came home. And his guardians aren't exactly... you know. Excited about the idea of me."
A short pause, then a gentle: "Oh. Are you... okay?"
I shrugged. "Other than a sore ass, I'm just peachy. They didn't catch me. I slipped out of his window."
"You escaped through the window?" Iza laughed, but unknown to her, a ball of fear and shame coiled deep in my stomach, nesting there snugly.
"What were you up to last night? Frat party?" I asked swiftly. We ran over a speed bump and my whole body panged with a shock of pain, drawing a tight hiss from my teeth. I smothered it with a sip of cola, washing away the acidic taste of vomit.
Iza laughed. "It was great. That was the first time I met the Hansen's son, actually. His name's Casey, we hung out the whole night."
I raised an eyebrow. "Is this turning into something? Wait, are you even like... you know, like, romantic?"
"I mean, no," she replied. "But he's a really good guy. Pretty sure he's gay, anyway, which works for me. We just spent the night drinking and playing pong... hey, actually, maybe you know him? He told me sometimes he volunteers at your school."
"Casey?" I asked. "I don't..."
My mind wandered back to getting kicked out of the library yesterday, to the volunteer there. Cassius, his nametag had read.
"Is he freakishly tall? Pale, dark hair and eyes?" I asked. Iza nodded.
"See? You do know him," she said. "Next time you see him, tell him you're Iza's friend Lukey. He'll know you."
I narrowed my eyes at her. "Whether or not I say that depends on what he knows me by."
Her grin was sharp. "Oh, look, we're here. Guess you'll never know."
I sighed, leaning over the center console to wrap her in a hug. "Thank you, Luiza. I appreciate it."
She ruffled my hair, and I pried her hand off of me with a laugh. Iza shook her head. "Always. Now, go take a bath. You smell like death."
I climbed (slowly) out of the truck and waved Iza off before taking the elevator to my apartment to avoid the stairs. I had planned on trying to dodge my family until I could shower the smell of sex, vomit, and grass out of my skin, but as soon as I creaked open the front door, I was met with familiar laughter and voices coming from the kitchen table.
"What do you think of these?" Adrian's voice asked. "I think they match the theme."
"The colors are off," my mother snipped. "These are better. Or we can get them custom?"
"Shit," I whispered, closing the door as quietly as I could. Slowly, I crept towards the hallway feeding into the bedrooms.
"I like these, actually," came Jen's sweet voice. "I love lilies. My mom married with them, and I wanted to wear her veil..."
"I think lilies would be beautiful, honey," Ian said. "What color would you like?"
I slipped into the hallway only to run straight into a fuming Alex.
She squeaked in surprise as my collar ran into her face and would have dropped her metal water bottle had I not caught it in one hand. My other scrambled for purchase as I started to tip, grabbing onto Alex's shoulder and dragging her one stumbled step. Both of us cursed quietly, fumbling in the dark hallway, but she pulled me upright me before I could smack the floor.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I hissed, hoisting myself to my feet.
Alex glared, shoving her hands off of me. "I should ask you. You smell like puke."
I looked back towards the entrance of the kitchen, where my mom was coddling Jen, then to Lex. "Are you eavesdropping?"
She looked away, deftly crossing her arms. "No."
"You're definitely eavesdropping."
"And you look like a crackhead," she spat, snatching her water bottle from me and sliding down the wall to sit on the floor. "Leave or I'm telling."
My mouth curled into a frown. "What is your problem with Jen?"
"None of your business," Alex grumbled. "Go. Leave me alone."
I folded, quietly slipping into my room and then into my bathroom. My wallet and phone were tossed aside and my clothes—including Beau's jeans—were thrown into my overflowing hamper. The shower was orgasmic as I washed away the layers of vomit, grass, sex, and sweat lingering from hockey practice the night before. I took a deep, steamy breath, exhaled a lungful of tension. My mind ran a blissful blank under the pelting water... until, finally dressed in a clean shirt and sweats, I built the courage to greet Ian and Jen in the kitchen. As I walked through te hallway, Alex was nowhere to be seen. But, stepping through the archway leading into the kitchen, Jen was quick to spot me and gasp in pleased surprise.
"Luke!" she exclaimed, drawing Ian and my mother's attention away from the binders and laptops spread across the table. She stood up and rushed forward to wrap me in a warm hug, pulling a chuckle from me.
"Jen, why are you here?" I asked, smiling. "Not that I'm complaining."
"We're wedding planning," she said. "Care to join?"
Beckoned by Ian and my mother, I sat at the table to help examine the spread of catalogs and inspiration boards. They were sweet shades of green and yellow, full of greenery and flowers and delicate, lacy details. I sat, watching the bickering and occasionally chiming in with my opinion, laughing with Ian at the playful bickering between my mother and Jen.
"When did you get home?" Adrian asked me quietly as Jen gushed to my mother over table favors.
I shrugged. "Half an hour ago?"
"How come we didn't notice you? Had something to hide?" he asked with a wink. I laughed him off.
"Shut the fuck up."
"Have you picked a dress?" Mama asked Jen, who shrugged.
"I have a favorite, but it's way over our budget," she sighed. "I can't justify it."
My mom frowned. "How much over?"
"Five... thousand dollars over?"
My eyes went wide. "For a dress?!"
Jen blushed. "I tried it on for fun. I didn't mean to like it as much as I did."
My mother shook her head, then faced Ian. "You sure you're ready for her expensive taste?"
Adrian, who looked a little gray now, just chuckled, drawing a full-bellied laugh from Mama. The conversation kept moving, gliding past big price tags and towards growing flowers on the balcony for Jen's bridal bouquet.
"Can I tell you something, Luke?" he asked me, turning to face me as the girls were once again lost in frilly wedding decor. He cupped his cheek in his palm, rested his elbow on the table, and blinked past me to look at his fiancé with this warm glow in his eyes. This close, he looked a little like me, with the same brows and nose and ears that stuck out just a little. "Once you find someone like Jen who just... gets you. You know? Once you do that... don't let her go."
I traced the edge of a roll of green lace. "What do you mean?"
Ian thought about it for a minute, then smiled that familiar, goofy smile and ruffled my hair. "You'll know. Trust me, you will."
"Those were the words of an overly in love man, Ian."
He laughed, tipping his chin back. "You'll be me one day too, Luke."
I stayed there for maybe half an hour before my mom went to help Alex with her homework and Jase called me asking for a calculus assignment. I ended up working in my room for maybe twenty minutes before thirst got the best of me and I made my way to the kitchen for a glass of water, but I stopped when I heard the whispered voices of Ian and Jen still there. I lingered just by the mouth of the kitchen, drawn into listening for the second time today.
"I feel like such a failure," said Jen in a weak murmur. "Adrian, I'm so sorry."
"Shh, sweetheart," Ian replied so gently, like the brush of a phantom's hand. "No. Don't even think like that. We don't even know if it's something to do with you, or with me, or with neither or both of us—"
"But the way I feel doesn't care about the way I think." Jen's voice was warbled.
A shuffle, then the sound of gentle kiss, filled to busting with tenderness. "Just know that I love you, Jenny. I love you so much, with or without a baby. You're more than enough. You'll always be more than enough, just like this."
"Ian... aren't you even just a little disappointed?"
"I've loved you since the day we met, Jenny. I'm sure of it. I bought that ring in your size with my first six months of pay working fast food in high school, that's how sure I was." A laugh from Jen, cut off by Ian's genuine voice. "Even though it took me so long to put it on your finger, I knew it from the start it would be yours. And yeah, I guess I'm disappointed I can't make a new life with you yet. But, sweetheart, you could destroy the world and still... I could never be disappointed in you."
"...I love you so much, Adrian."
"I love you, too."
I stumbled back down the hallway, back into my room, closing the door behind me. I didn't notice my steps. It felt like I wasn't here anymore, as if I was hovering above the floorboards. I felt weak, nauseous. I swallowed the achy lump in my throat once, twice. It wouldn't budge.
Listening to them speak so warmly at each other, so lovingly, sent an unfamiliar cold pang striking deep in my heart. I had never felt jealousy like this before, not for anything like this. I had never wanted for a relationship in this way before, wanted to feel someone's arms around me, telling me its okay. I trembled.
The conversations I had with Beau weren't raw or open: they were walled off by uncertainty and fear. Even under the illusion of warmth, there was a cold distance between our hearts. Each potentially sweet moment was soured by the realization that this—us—was temporary and conditional and, worst of all, dangerous.
I would never have Beau the way Ian had Jen. I was scared of the turmoil that rotted deep in my stomach and the sadness that nested tightly in my chest at the bare thought. Had I fallen too far? Sex was the only part of the deal, not these flickers of emotions that seemed to burn inside of me. They were young and able to be snuffed, maybe. Maybe not.
There was such a back and forth of emotion, the even swing of a pendulum, enough passion to keep me in and not enough terrified momentum to knock me out. I felt so stuck. I wanted to keep seeing him, so bad. But could I justify it?
That was the first time in a long while I remember crying. I pretended to be asleep when I heard Ian and Jen leaving, but imagined with a festering resentment them holding hands on their way out.
[a/n] as promised, the list of significant changes (although I do still highly recommend just rereading for the best effect):
>Luke and Tom actually fight beyond one punch, and Luke gets off kind of scuffed up. Tom is off a little worse.
>More depth the Beau and Luke's fight, and there's some important buildup and harsh words on Luke's end disregarding Beau's feelings, which explains Beau's subsequent anger beyond 'bad day oh no'.
>Some mention of Friendsgiving when they got drunk, and some of what Luke said: being, calling Beau out for suffering in silence because of his family.
That's really the breakdown of it, but the chapter overall got kind of a big revamp because I felt like it wasn't hitting the emotional beats the way that I wanted it to. So, I gave it some TLC and I really like the way it came out.
Hope y'all enjoyed the big chapter! Thanks again for reading! Love you loads xx