"Start from the beginning, Jax." Kate suggested.
Jax thought about Kate's words: From the beginning. He didn't know from which part of his life to begin. Sometimes he didn't know when his life officially started. For 34 years he experienced so much pain and chaos, and he doubts if any other person has been through so much for almost two and a half decades of their life. "Where do you want me to start from?" He thought out loud.
"Whatever you're comfortable sharing." Kate said. "We've got plenty of time."
Jax looked at Kate's face. Her face is filled with concern, curiosity, and compassion. She wasn't going to let this go and Jax thought that maybe he didn't want her to. He had to tell her about his past. She already witnessed him hit rock bottom when he was lying drunk on the kitchen floor. He took a deep breath in and leaned back. He looked at her. "What do you want to know?"
Jax could tell Kate is thinking about how to answer his question. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to know. Would Jax tell her his entire life story or would it be a brief summary? He took a bite from the French toast and waited for Kate to speak up.
"I want to know everything. Who are you? Who is Jackson Teller? I mean the real Jackson Teller." She replied.
Jax heavily sighed, but nodded his head. He had a gut feeling that he would have to start from the very beginning. "I'm 34. I was born and raised in Charming, California. It's a small town. My parents were Gemma and John Teller. My father was the president of the Sons of Anarchy motorcycle club. He served in Vietnam and when he returned from the war he met Gemma and they got married."
"The tattoo on your back..." Kate quietly remarked.
"That's right. It's the logo for the club." Jax confirmed her question. "Many of the members get it after they have patched in."
"When did you get the reaper tattoo?" Kate asked. "What about the other tattoos?"
"Abel and Thomas are the names of my sons. The big tattoo was a memorial for my dad after he died and I wanted to honor him. I started as a prospect when I was almost 17. I had to endure so many ridiculous tasks from the patched members, but I didn't quit. I wanted to prove to them that I would do anything to become a member. A couple of days after my birthday I became an official member. They gave me a kutte which is technically a leather vest and that was one of the happiest days of my life. On that same day I decided to get the reaper tattoo."
"How long did it take for the tattoo to be completed? It's very big in size. I can't imagine you would have done it for one session." Kate wondered.
Jax had a small smile. "I did it in one sitting." He admitted.
"No way. You're joking." Kate exclaimed. "You must have endured so much pain. Why didn't you split it for a couple of sessions?"
"I wanted to prove to them that I can endure anything." Jax chuckled. "One giant tattoo wasn't going to ruin it for me."
"Of course, the macho mentality." Kate joked.
"Exactly." Jax smirked. "Anyway, I went off on a tangent. When my father returned from the war, he wasn't welcome back with open arms. I'm sure you know the facts from history class in high school." Kate nodded her head. "My dad loved to read books about philosophy, perspectives, and theories. He was very book smart. He came up with the idea of creating a club where he and others like him could belong. He started the motorcycle club with his best friend Piermont Winston. My best friend ended up being Piermont's son. We were inseparable. My dad wanted the club to be about loyalty and brotherhood. It grew into more than these two principles. The club grew and charters formed all over the U.S. There was even a motorcycle club in Ireland. Things started to go bad when the club started running guns. Other clubs and gangs bought them from my dad's club and it was a nice big chunk of cash for all of the members. I had a younger brother around that time. His name was Thomas. He got sick and died when he was six years old. He died from the family flaw."
"The family flaw?" Kate wondered.
"Hole in the heart." Jax clarified. "My mom had it and so did my brother. The family flaw skipped me. After Thomas died, my father lost his way. Around this time, he started to go often to Ireland and eventually he started a whole new family. My mother moved on with Clay, my dad's best friend. My father died when I was sixteen. Clay married my mom and became the president of the MC. After I got my GED, I was patched in with my best friend Opie. A couple of years later I started hooking up with Wendy. She was a croweater. In layman's terms a croweater would be like a groupie sleeping with a rock star."
"You were like a rock star?" Kate had a small smirk.
Her question somehow caused Jax to have a slight blush on his cheeks. "In the croweaters' eyes, the members of the MC were like rock stars." Jax replied. He is surprised how so far into the conversation Kate is just listening to him and her eyes are filled with so much kindness. This will probably change when he starts talking about all the horrible things he did throughout the years. "Wendy and I got married, but eventually I filed for divorce. We briefly reconciled and she got pregnant. We thought this might fix the marriage, but it didn't. She was addicted to crank. Wendy gave birth to Abel, my first son. He was born ten weeks premature. I hated in the beginning that she was pregnant, but I also hated her for getting high during the pregnancy and forcing Abel to endure her addiction while he was still in her womb."
"That must have been a difficult time for you." Kate reached over and held Jax's hands with hers.
Jax looked at their hands and lifted his head up. "It was. Back then I thought I was having an out of body experience. This couldn't be happening to me. Abel had a hole in his heart and half a stomach. At that time my high school girlfriend was a surgeon and saved Abel's life. We were broken up for over a decade and she moved to Chicago. She came back to Charming and we got back together. We had our issues just like any couple. Her name was Tara. She always wanted me to leave the club."
Jax felt his eyes start to water and he had to take a couple of moments before he could talk again. This needed to be said. Jax had been keeping it inside way too long. He couldn't look at Kate. If he saw judgment in her eyes, it would break him. He didn't even notice that she had gotten up and is sitting next to him. He felt her fingertips running up and down his arm. Jax felt calm and looked at Kate. "Take your time. If you want to stop for today, that's fine. You can tell me more another day." She quietly said to him.
Jax shook his head after wiping his eyes. "I have to tell you everything today. It needs to be done. If I don't get it all out today, I feel like I'm going to explode. The pain is literally hurting me." Jax insisted.
"Okay. I just don't want you to overwhelm yourself." Kate said.
"I'll be okay." Jax gave her a reassuring smile. "I should've listened to Tara back then. Things seemed to be going okay for a while after I got officially divorced from Wendy and got back with Tara. Then out of nowhere Abel got kidnapped by some crazy Irish guy and we had to go find him in Belfast. That's how I found out about my father's second family. I found out I had a half sister. When I got back to Charming, I found out Tara was pregnant. The ATF was investigating the MC and a couple of the members and I had to serve a fourteen month sentence. Tara gave birth to Thomas, my second son, when I was in prison. When I was released, I proposed to Tara. I regret not being present for his birth. I never wanted to be away from my family again. While I was in prison, Tara found some letters from my dad which stated that Clay would be responsible for his death. Clay found out that Tara had the letters and tried to have her killed by the cartel we were working with at the time. That's when I became president of the MC. It had to be done. He needed to be removed from that position. He was the poisonous snake in the club. I got Clay locked up for a murder he didn't commit and when he escaped, we killed him and an IRA king. I watched Opie, my best friend, get beaten to death in front of me while we were in prison again. Tara got arrested for allegedly being involved in the murder of a prison nurse and the nurse's brother wanted revenge. Tara stopped talking to me after that. I can't blame her. It seemed like it was just one crazy thing after another. The vicious cycle was endless. When Tara got out of prison she faked a pregnancy and miscarriage so I would sign off my mom's rights to the kids. The DA was set on Tara to make a deal against me and the club. She tried to run with our sons, but I caught her. After we made up, I was going to turn myself in in exchange for her freedom. I guess my mom thought Tara had ratted and...and..." Jax couldn't finish his explanation.
Unable to get the words out, all Jax could think about was the moment when he walked into the kitchen to see Tara lying on the floor in a pool of her own blood. Tears filled his eyes again and he let out a deep shaky breath. Kate's hand grabbed his. It gave him the motivation to continue talking. "When I got home to say goodbye to Tara, she was lying on the kitchen floor. A large pool of blood was around her head. My brothers and I thought this was a hit on the club. An attack on me. It made sense. I was the president and someone wanted me to get the message loud and clear. My mother said it was the Chinese. It was a gang that the club had issues with. She told me that she saw them scoping out my house when she drove by. It started as an all-out war. I saw red. From that moment, everything was about getting revenge. I destroyed anything and everything that got in my way. I showed no mercy. The club lost good men. I lost my brothers. When I found out it was my own mother, I lost it. First of all, I couldn't understand why. Why would my own mother do something like that? It didn't make sense. But despite everything, I knew what I had to do. I knew what needed to be done. There was no other option. It was who we were, that's what she said to me that night. She knew it. She was ready. I had to do it. For Tara. She deserved justice for what my mother did to her."
Kate's eyes widened. Her hand covered her mouth. Jax could only imagine what was going on through Kate's mind. She hated him. She probably thought he was the devil himself and he wouldn't blame her. He knows that he's a terrible person. He's a killer and a criminal. Everyone should stay away from him. Jax just waited for Kate to yell at him or tell him that he's horrible human being who doesn't deserve to live in this nice town. He thought that he would see fear in her eyes.
"Where are Abel and Thomas?" Kate asked.
Her question caught him by surprise. Jax didn't expect Kate to ask about his sons' whereabouts. "I couldn't stay in Charming after I killed Gemma. I gave up my patch. I sold my house and transferred all my money to Wendy and my mother's boyfriend Nero. Wendy straightened out her life and got sober. She got to know the boys. Nero was a good guy despite being the owner of an escort company. He had his properties straight. My sons are with Nero at his uncle's farm. Before I left Charming, I told Nero that someday he needs to let Wendy know what my final message is for my sons. If they ever ask about me or they are curious about whom their father was, Wendy has to make sure to tell my boys that I was a criminal. I was not a good person. I wanted them to hate the thought of me. My sons deserve better. Tara deserved better. She didn't deserve the life she got with me. None of them had a good life because of me. I wanted them all to think I'm dead so they can have a chance. I had one final thing left to do on the day that I said goodbye to my sons, Wendy, and Nero."
"What else was left?" Kate asked.
"I was planning on killing myself that day." Jax answered.
"No..." Kate is shocked. She was trying to hold back her own tears. "Jax, why would you take your own life?"
"It was the only thing that made sense. I lost everything. I didn't have anything left. I even considered dying the same way my own father did. I was riding my dad's motorcycle. His motorcycle had a collision with a semi-truck. That's what I planned to do. I even drove on the same highway where he died. My plan failed." Jax recalled.
"Why did the plan fail?" Kate quietly asked.
"I tried to merge into the lane the semi-truck was driving on, but my motorcycle wouldn't budge. The semi-truck drove past me and I lost the opportunity. I drove for a couple of hours and checked into a motel. The next day I decided to try again on the highway, but the same thing happened. The motorcycle wouldn't let me collide with the semi-truck. I just kept riding on the road with no direction. When I decided to get off the highway, I saw the welcome sign for Harmony and I read the town's motto. The town's name caught my attention. I was literally at a fork in the road at that moment. I thought about how I lived in a town which had the name Charming and yet it had the most chaos in it. I thought Harmony might live up to its name and I made the choice to come here."
Kate stared at the floor. It felt like a weight was lifted off Jax's shoulders. He looked at her. She lifted her head. "Jax, I don't know what to do with all this information. You just told me your entire life story. I mean I'm glad you finally told me everything, but I never would have thought this was the pain which you kept bottled in."
"Kate, nobody can know about my past. I didn't come here to cause trouble. I came here to start over. You're the only person who knows about my past. You cannot tell anyone. Promise me that you won't." Jax pleaded.
Kate nodded her head after a few moments of silence. "I promise. I won't say anything." She said. Jax looked at her gratefully, but his heart was beating fast and loud. He'd never put himself out there as far as he had with Kate. He'd never felt as vulnerable as he did now. "Thank you." He uttered.
"Are the police looking for you? Are there any warrants issued for you?" Kate asked.
"No." Jax shook his head. "The club took care of everything back home. Nobody is looking for me."
Kate got silent again, but her hands rested on Jax's arm. She didn't seem to be scared from Jax considering what he just shared with her. It was a lot to take in. Jax could see Kate trying to make sense of everything in her head. He had been the one to live it and he couldn't make sense of it.
"What are you going to do now?" Kate asked Jax.
"Nothing." Jax lowered his head. "I have nothing left. Like I told you before, I'm just on autopilot. The only plan I have right now is to work at Nelson's so I can have an income and work on the house. These are the only things that give me some kind of a motivation."
Kate felt sad after hearing his response. His job and house couldn't be the only things to provide motivation. He needed someone. "You've got me." Kate quietly said.
Jax shook his head. "I will not be a burden to you."
"You're not." Kate insisted. "How about we clean up for a bit and we will talk later?" She suggested. "Where do you keep the trash bags?" She got up from her chair and walked to the kitchen.
"In the cabinet under the sink." Jax replied. He got up too and saw Kate grab a couple of trash bags.
"Come on. We're both going to clean up." She tossed him a bag.
#
While they were picking up all the bottles, Kate couldn't stop thinking about Jax's life story. She would glance at him every once in a while. His former life was like a movie. It was filled with death and violence. Looking at Jax, Kate couldn't see him as a killer. She also couldn't see him as the hardened criminal who had done the terrible things he described. How could she possibly wrap her head around all of the things Jax said he had done?
Jax had a life before coming to Harmony. He had a family. He had been in jail. He was the president of a biker club. He had killed people. That's the one thing Kate couldn't get over, yet looking at Jax, she could see how it had taken its toll on him. The darkened sadness in his eyes. The numerous scars on his body that her eyes hadn't missed. If he had remorse and guilt, then would he fit the characteristics of a killer? All in all she didn't have much choice but to believe him that it was all behind him. Maybe this was Jax reaching out for help when he decided to tell her about his chaotic past. Could Kate possibly help Jax out? Jax's situation is solely between him and her. No one else could help him because he didn't share his past with anyone except her. Can only one person be able to help Jax?
Kate realized she'd been staring at Jax, but spaced out in her own thoughts that she didn't even realize Jax had sat down on the floor and is crying again. Kate put the bottles in the trash bag and walked to where Jax is sitting. She bent down and sat next to him. Kate wrapped her arms around Jax. He tucked his head in her neck as she felt him cry harder at her comfort. "Jax, it's okay." She ran her fingers through his hair. "It will be okay. I know it's hard, but you will get through this. It doesn't seem like it will ever be possible, but it will happen."
Kate felt Jax suddenly pull her up on his lap. His arms wrapped around her body. Kate is surprised from the sudden close contact, but she laid her head on his shoulder until Jax was out of tears. All this time Kate been so annoyed about how Jax would give her glares for no apparent reasons, but he had been punishing himself for the life he'd been born into.
After a couple of minutes of Kate and Jax holding onto each other, Jax lifted his head and his eyes looked into hers. He stared at her for a moment. Kate could only see that sadness radiating off of Jax. She wished she could get rid of his sadness, but didn't know what she could possibly do. Before Kate knew it, Jax's lips are on hers; giving her a soft kiss and she couldn't help but return it. Her hands moved on his cheeks as his tongue caressed hers. The feel of his hands moving down her sides as they pulled her closer to his chest.
"Jax." Kate whispered against his lips as she slowly pulled away from the kiss. She knew what kind of comfort he has a need for, but this isn't the right way. Her hands are now on Jax's chest. He looked at Kate. "I have to be honest with you. I can't say that I understand, but I can definitely say that you'll be okay. Your past doesn't define the rest of your life. Your former life is behind you. The rest is up to you. You have the power now to create a new life for yourself because you deserve the right to start with a clean slate."
"Kate, it doesn't matter what I do anymore. As long as Thomas and Abel live the life Tara wanted for them, the rest doesn't matter." Jax corrected Kate.
Kate felt a lump in her throat at his words. Jax hung his head, resting it on her shoulder and she felt her eyes well up for him. She could hear the solid truth behind his words. He genuinely didn't care what was left of him anymore. Kate ran her fingers over Jax's back. It was depressing to hear a man in his prime talking like this about himself. He was only 34. He still had so much life to live and he wasn't even interested in it anymore.
"Come on." Kate stood up slowly. "We're going to go on a walk for a bit." She looked through one of the windows and it suddenly hit Kate that half of the day was already gone. She looked at the clock and it was almost 6pm. "We need to get out of this house."
Jax looked up at Kate as she held out her hands. She couldn't imagine what was going on in Jax's head, but his self-destruction wasn't a way to live. No matter how many wrongs he went through in his life, he didn't deserve to feel like this. There were still so many questions left unanswered, but for today the conversation will be put on hold. She could see that it took a lot out of Jax just to tell her his entire life story. Anything more might break him. Since he made no move to get up, Kate took his hands and helped him up. He is still in awe of her nurturing side.
#
Evening
Kate and Jax got back from their walk. They're now standing in his driveway. Their walk was quiet, but it wasn't awkward. Kate thought it would be good for Jax to get out of the house. They walked about two blocks away from the neighborhood. He finally got a sense of relief from finally being able to talk about his past with Kate. She handled it better than he expected. She didn't run out of his house when he started talking about all the crimes he committed while he was in SAMCRO. Jax thought maybe it just hasn't hit Kate yet what she learned about him. Maybe when it does hit her, Kate will freak out and she'll never want anything to do with him. Jax thought the worst case scenario would be that he'd have to leave Harmony and start all over again somewhere else. Jax didn't know if he had it in him to start a second time from scratch. Jax also thought about how empty he felt on the inside whenever he would fall asleep on the couch. It wasn't the most comfortable place to sleep on, but having another body next to him would be nice. Initially he couldn't imagine having anyone that would fill the empty spot beside him. After losing Tara, Jax didn't think there could be another woman he would want to share a bed with. Lately that thought started to change. He could see Kate filling it. Since the night helped him when he got drunk at Vinnie's, Jax started having dreams about Kate. The dreams were surprisingly sweet. In some of the dreams she would simply be in bed next to him. Her hair would fall on her face and he would push it back. His hand would caress her cheek and she would wake up and smile at him. Whenever Jax woke up, he could have sworn Kate was really next to him. The dreams just felt too real. Jax didn't know what the possibility of Kate being around him would be now that she knew everything about his past. He knew that he didn't deserve her. She deserved someone with a normal life. She didn't need to be involved with someone who had kids and a criminal background. He knew what he was: a murderer and a monster. That's not what Kate needed.
Jax could see that Kate wasn't her usual happy-go-lucky self. She was drained. It must have been a lot for her to take in all the details he shared about himself.
"Kate, this was a lot to put on you. I'm sorry." Jax quietly said. "You're too overwhelmed."
"That's not the issue, Jax." Kate said. "I just don't know how to take all of this. You need help. I want to help you because no matter what you've done in the past and what you've been through, I just know that you have a good heart. There is good in you despite the circumstances that were thrown your way from your former life. I just... I need to wrap my mind around everything you've told me. There's probably more you want to share, but today you made a big breakthrough."
Jax hung his head as Kate spoke. He didn't need help. No one could help him. He needed to be left alone for the rest of his life, but he understood that she needs time to understand his past. She was associating with a criminal and also a murderer. He put her in a difficult position and he's aware of that. Jax knows that he didn't want to lose whatever type of relationship he had with Kate. He also didn't want to lose the relationships with his co-workers and Allison. They'd all been so good to him and even now that Kate knew about his former life and she is still here standing in front of him. She's trying to help him with the best of her abilities.
Kate stepped forward and Jax lifted his head when he felt her move closer to him. He couldn't stop himself and he grabbed Kate's hand. There is no gap between them. "Thank you for staying with me today." He whispered and pulled her in for a hug.
"You're welcome, Jax." Kate whispered back. She wrapped her arms around his waist. "Whenever you want to talk, just knock on my door. It doesn't matter what time it is."
Jax's arms are around Kate's back. He lifted his left hand and placed it on the back of Kate's head. He didn't want to let go of her. His fingers gently ran through her hair. He wanted to hold onto the warmth and kindness she provides for as long as possible. Kate's hands moved to Jax's back and just held onto him. She could feel the muscles on his back. He probably worked out a lot.
After five minutes had passed, they pulled back from the hug. Kate tried to hide her smile from the close contact they just had when they were hugging. "Do you think you'll be alright tonight after I leave?" Kate timidly asked.
"Yes." Jax said. She gave him an unsure look. "I won't drink. I promise." He said.
"You will go to work tomorrow, right?" Kate asked.
"I will. Adam will be on my case if I miss a second day." Jax replied.
"I better not see your Dodge Ram in the driveway when I wake up tomorrow." Kate said.
"The Dodge Ram will be parked at Nelson's. I guarantee you that it will not be in this driveway in morning." Jax reassured her.
"Okay." Kate felt satisfied with his answers. "I'm sure there will be more to discuss, but let's leave it for another time. I can tell that your explanation took a lot out of you emotionally."
Jax nodded his head. "Yeah, but for today I think I mentioned enough. It took a toll on you too." He felt guilty for overwhelming Kate.
"I'm proud of you." Kate surprised Jax and he looked at her nervously. "I know it wasn't easy to talk about your past, but I'm glad you did. The pain has to be let out and you did it."
"Thanks, Kate." Jax said. "I should head back in there. I need to get some rest because I have a long day tomorrow and I have a feeling Adam is not going to give me any mercy for not showing up today."
"Don't worry about him. His bark is worse than his bite. Adam does have a forgiving side." Kate said. She stepped forward and hugged Jax again. "Jackson Teller, you're a good man." She softly said. He was surprised but he ended up hugging her back. "I hope you have a good day at work and I'll see you round." She pulled back and crossed the street.
Jax looked at Kate walking back to her house. He thought that Kate was a trooper for putting up with him today. He also thought about how he can no longer deny his attraction toward Kate. His theory was right: her eyes had no judgment when he talked about his past. She listened and that's all he could ask for.