Word count: 2854
This chapter is terrible bc we don't know how presidential elections work. we're sorry
We all watched in anticipation as we waited for the results to be called. I felt Cartman's plump, voluptuous, morbidly obese fingers intertwine with mine. I looked up at him and reassuringly smiled.
It all comes down to this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It all started 5 and a half years ago when Eric Cartman showed up at my doorstep.
I had not seen him since high school graduation, which was 19 years ago for me and all our other friends, and 15 years ago for him (he was held back 4 times)
"Cartman? What are you doing here?" I asked.
Everyone knew that after cartman graduated from high school, he applied to every single college. He only got accepted into Greendale Community College and went there for his law degree.
It made sense since the only thing he loves more than cheesy poofs is arguing. He actually became a pretty good lawyer and started becoming rich.
He then started his own business relating to his law career. After that, he earned millions and obviously did not spend any of it on another person.
So, showing up on my doorstep was definitely unexpected. What could I have that Eric would want?
"I need your help," Eric said, making deep eye contact with me, I nodded for him to continue.
"I want to become the president of the United States of America"
"What?! Cartman. Be realistic, " I scoffed, but he looked dead serious
"I am. Think about it! I'm old enough, I'm rich enough, and I have a big enough reputation!" He said, and everything he said was true, but CARTMAN as president? No way.
"Okay, so why do you need my help?" I scoffed
"In our modern society, the world would never elect a dashing, handsome, white, straight, man." He explained
"Well, you're not handsome or dashing, so you don't have to worry about that," I snickered
"SHUT THE FUCK UP JEW" He screamed, same ol' Cartman, "What's your point" I said growing impatient.
"Kyle, if I say I'm gay, it's a guaranteed win. Marry me, Kyle, and you'll get all the power in the world." He propositioned me.
"What? What the fuck Cartman! No way!" I went to shut my door, but he stopped me.
"Kyle, think about it. You're jewish. You need the money... the power, if you agree to doing this with me, you'll get all that and more." He waved his hands around as we talked
"Cartman, this is crazy."
"You say crazy... I say genius."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't really remember what else happened but somehow, Eric Cartman had made me accept being involved with another of his crazy plans.
According to Cartman, the first thing we had to do was pretend to be a gay couple.
When I first heard of this plan, I called BS right away. I mean me and CARTMAN?! How can we make THAT believable!!
So why did I still agree? Well you see I always wanted to be president, heh... But then I realized how much work it was and decided being an accountant would be easier, per se.
(I majored in politics)
And with that started our Journey into presidency.
"Alright first thing's first, NO slurs" I said while pointing a stick to a chalkboard.
Cartman gave me a face of agonizing disappointment. This fat bitch.
"What!!! Why the freak not" Cartman blubbered, spitting out some of his caramel buttered popcorn.
"Because fatass, if you say slurs people are gonna turn against you!" I said annoyed.
I could tell Cartman really didn't know how any of this worked and realized we have a FAT load of work to do.
I go back to the drawing board. "Alright, what we need to do is announce our campaign"
Cartman looked at me with his fat eyes,.
"So like what do I do? Post it on Facebook?"
"No fatass you don't post it on Facebook!" I snapped back. You'd think with all that fat in his head he'd have some brain per se.
"We'll figure it out. After you announce your campaign, you're going to have to go and give speeches in different cities." I told him, and I saw his face morph into annoyance.
"That seems like so much work though!"
This fatty cannot be serious.
"No shit fatass being a country leader is gonna take some work" I said while rolling my orbs.
The first day seemer hopeless but finally after a month we finally got some progress on being a candidate.
Which also meant we had to find who our main rival was.
"Spencer Hollis" I said.
"Who?" Cartman asked with his piggy face.
"Our rival candidate?? The guy we have to compete the most against? He's representing the opposite party"
"Party? Nobody said we'd have a party!"
Suddenly my face got as red as my period blood locs. There is no way he was that fucking stupid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Few days later Cartman posted on his Instagram:
"hey guyz I'm running for president, vote for me or youre gay!!!"
I looked at it in utter FAT disbelief
"Cartman why the fuck did you announce it on Instagram!" I yelled.
"You said I couldn't on Facebook!"
It was at that moment that I had almost seriously considered killing myself.
"Shit! Cartman! You're not supposed to announce it on any social media! AND AREN'T WE SUPPOSED TO BE A GAY COUPLE?" I yelled
"Oh yeah! Heh, forgyatt about that"
I looked over at the window and seriously considered jumping out of it, we're going to lose this election so fucking bad. Per se.
"Ugh fuck okay, cartman we need more publicity, good publicity" 2 minutes in and I am already stressed as FREAK!
I was meowing ALMOST rapidly when cartman placed his hand on my shoulder, "What if we get married and have a huge wedding" He suggested.
My meowing stopped in an instant.
"That's a horrible idea"
"It'll bring press, and it's a GAY wedding. People will never know I'm deeply homophobic!"
"That's... You've actually said much more stupid things than that... let's do it. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there I was, having a fake wedding for Eric Fucking Cartman, for good publicity on an election we are totally gonna lose.
I regretted not jumping out that window when the priest started to yap.
Surprisingly a lot of people actually came to the wedding, I didn't expect anyone to go to a wedding with a Mr. Mcfatty Fuck, but the world works in mysterious ways.
Once we were all settled I was ready to say my vows, per se.
I had wrote some down and rehearsed this many times, (I used to be a theater kid, per se) so I knew this was my fake marriage moment.
"Dear, Eric" I winced at the instant I called him by his first fat fucking name. "Ever since I have laid my orbs on you, I always thought you would forever be my advesary, but instead it seemed my heart had other plans. When I think of you Cartm--Eric, I think of the big wide universe. Not because I am comparing its size to how obese you are, but because it is as big as my l...l...." Oh god saying this outloud was wayyy more humiliating than in the mirror. "Ahem, but because it is as big as my love for you, per se. And for you, I vow to never leave your side. I vow to always cherish your big fat--ahem, big fat knowledge. I vow to respect you, and care for you. I vow to love you more than the universe."
And with that I finished my vows, but the weirdest part is I actually didn't write all of that, it just came out naturally...did I really mean those things?
And then were Cartmans vows.
"Dear Kahl," He smirked at me. "I vow to keep making fun of your Jewish heritage and continue to crap outside your house. I love you Kahl, I vow to be a fa---a homosexual-with you, Jew. "
My eye started twitching a bit. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT??
Before I had the chance to jump out and strangle the shit out of his fat face, the priest had declared us husband and husband.
"You may now kiss the groom,"
Oh FREAK! I totally forgyatt about the stupid kissing part!
"Gyattdamnit..." I muttered and then quickly puckered up and kissed Cartmans fat lips....for much longer than I expected. It actually wasn't that bad...
Anyhow, we were now officially gay or whatever, and we could finally get back to campaigning.
As soon as we got to the hotel for our "honeymoon," I ran to the bathroom and puked, I can't believe I had to kiss CARTMAN!! But the worst part about it was that I actually kinda liked it???
What the freak! Per se!
"Okay," I stumbled back into the room, "Let's get back to politics."
Cartman burst out laughing, "What the freak is so funny fatass???"
"Your vows were so fucking gay! You were totally all like 'my love for you is as big as the universe'" He fell on the floor laughing and I huffed, is this what it's gonna be like??
"SHUT THE FUCK UP FATASS SHUT IT!" I yelled which only made him laugh harder
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the months went by Cartman's campaign started gaining more and more attention but not all of it was positive, in fact most of it was negative.
We were doing a speech in Texas today, and I was nervous, but Cartman didn't seem to understand the importance of this all.
"Cartman, are you watching Netflix right before your speech??" I fumed
"Hell yeah, six seasons and a movie!" He said, referencing to some show I haven't seen
"CARTMAN! Texas is the 2nd most populated state, and we are in Houston, the most populated city in Texas! Can you please for once not be a complete imbecile!?" I yelled
"Jesus christ, fine jew." He turned off his phone and started straightening himself out, "You know you're acting like a real Jeff right now, heh. "
"I have no idea what that means, but we have to get on stage."
We finally went on stage, and he started waving at all the "fans" and yelled out, "Goooooood morning, Houston! Are you ready to rock!" People were actually cheering for him..
He stood at his dumb podium and started giving his speech. Oh God, this is gonna go terribly.
Then Cartman started actually making good points about change for our future, and whatever, could he actually make a good president?
I could tell the crowd was surprised too, but they looked interested.
Then they started asking questions
"Mr. Cartman, how do you as a gay man yourself plan to protect homosexuals against discrimination
Oh shit
"Fuck man aren't they already protected? I don't know, I hate f*gg*ts, " He said
Oh my fucking god Cartman you stupid fucking idiot. I pushed him out of the way
"What he said was he hates fascism and he will, uhm, he will make it so fascist homophobes will not be allowed government positions." I explained for him, my hatred for him was swelling in that moment.
However, the crowd seemed to buy it. Thank God.
After cartman went through answering all the questions, we finally left.
"Cartman, what the hell were you thinking! You said a slur in front of thousands of people!!" I yelled at him
"Those dummys think I'm gay, no harm no foul"
I actually lost my cool, and started beating the shit out of him
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More and more days started to pass as the end of the election gyatt closer and closer.
Suprisingly Cartman actually became so popular he became one of the 2 leading Candidates, the other being our big bad rival, Spencer Hollis....
"Cartman we're so close to winning this I'm actually really shocked... I didn't know you could be so... 𝓒𝓱𝓪𝓻𝓲𝓼𝓶𝓪𝓽𝓲𝓬..." I said to him in a bit of disbelief.
"What can I say Kahl, I just gyatt a big personality"
More like big fat stomach.
Anyways this day was gonna be a debate against the enemy himself. Spencer Hollis.
Cartman gyatt on with our rival and the last presidental debate had begun.
It was a tough debate, because although Cartman knows how to yap, he's still fucking stupid. Per se.
"Who fucking cares about climate change, stop being fucking gay M*d*sn!" He said.
"My names Spencer Hollis..." Hollis would try to correct.
"Yeah yeah shut the fuck up R*v*n Hollis nobody fucking asked. You wanna know what I can do for this country? Well then give me a minute I'm thinking.... Perchance..." Cartman yapped.
"You can't just say perchance," Spencer Hollis said, shaking his head
"Shut the FREAK up dumbass R*v*n M*d*s*on"
I face palmed HARD! BAD! He was totally blowing this!
We had a short break, and I sighed and RUSHED to Cartman and told him off.
I yelled,"Cartman, you are not taking this seriously at all! We are totally blowing it! You better get your act together or we will get fucking STONED in public you hear me?!"
He just rolled his fat fucking eyes,"Jesus Christ Kyle quit being such a fucking Annie, I get you're jJewish too but--"
"AGHH SHUT THE FUCK UP CARTMAN NOBODY UNDERSTANDS THOSE REFERENCES!! "
Break was over and we went back to the debate.
As soon as Cartman yapped his stupid mouth again I gave up and lost hope.
But while those moments when I gave up and stopped worrying I just started at Cartman... A lot. I noticed how cute and attractive he was when I was tuning him out.
That's when it hit me. Holy shit. I WAS ATTRACTED TO CARTMAN FOR REALSIES!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The debate ended and I knew that we totally blew it, but I accepted defeat and realized that just being with Cartman was enough for me, per se.
I didn't care anymore, and I knew we totally fucked it up.
So there we were, me and Cartman and Spencer whatever his dumb name was, getting ready to see who gyatt chosen. Although it was pretty obvious we wouldn't.
Everyone in the audience was watching intently with anticipation.
"And so the new president of the United States is....."
Then for some fucking reason Cartman pushed the announcement guy out of the way and interrupted.
"Oh, c'mon, stop this gay shit already. Just say who it is, and it better be ME! Because who the hell wants this fucking NOBODY to be president?! I can't even remember his fucking name! That's how forgettable he is!"
" MY NAME IS SPENCER HOLLIS!" Hollis protested.
"Shut the FREAK up! Spencer Hollis more like... uh... STUPID BALLZ-IS"
"AGGGHHH SHUT UP SHUT UP" Hollis yelled hysterically.
I rushed to Cartman to try to get him to shut up when suddenly, I heard a gunshot.
I slowly turned my head to see our opponent on the other side, DEAD!!!
WHAT THE FREAK?!!
I froze up from shock, I could not believe my orbs!
Our opponent fucking KILLED HIMSELF!
Everyone gasped in horror. For like 2 minutes and then went back to normal.
The announcement guy dusted himself off and took back the mic.
"Uhm... Well, I guess Cartman is the president because Steve Holland or whatever his name is forfeited....life"
"YEEEESSS YEESSSS I KNEW I'D WIN!"
Cartman shook his fat gyatt in front of our dead opponents body, "Ha ha ha ha ha Nyeh Nyeh nyehnyeh!"
I couldn't believe what just happened, even though he totally blew it. In the end, Cartman STILL won because he made the opponent KILL HIMSELF......
And that's when I realized that Cartman is an attractive WINNER! KYA!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cartman started running through the halls of the White House cheering and singing while the rest of us were left in shock.
"Wow, you really did it... sorta," I said to cartman
"Heh.. yeah! I did do it!" He cheered
"Well, I'm uh... I'm proud of you... even if you only won because Spencer killed himself.." I praised him
"Who the hell is Spencer? And thanks! You were uh heh you've been a good fake husband jew. " He seemed a little embarrassed, he mightve even been blushing a little..
"Does it have to be fake?" I asked quietly
Cartman looked up at me, and his sparkling orbs met mine, I couldn't look away from him in that moment. Our orbs, which gleamed in the reflection of the pearly white house marble floors, seemed to intertwine each other metaphorically as we leaned in slowly.
I took my hand and placed on his FAT FUCKING MORBIDLY OBESE cheek and then we kissed for the first time since our wedding.
"How does it feel to have married the president of the United fucking states" He asked me, smirking
"How does it feel to be the sexiest man in the United States of America" I'm going to gouge my eyes out, fucking kill me.