❧ WAITING ROOM - PHOEBE BRIDGERS ☙
"know it's for better."
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I stood on Mae's front porch for so long that I had begun to feel cold.
It was oddly chilly for an afternoon in the summer. The sun hung low in the sky, it's usually warm light blocked by clouds. The leaves on the trees rustled with a quiet shiver, and the usually vibrant colors of summer were subtle. Despite the time of year, the air felt crisp and cool against my skin. It was almost as if the weather had matched my emotions.
It was Tuesday afternoon, which meant that the last time I saw Dominic was just a little bit over a day ago.
Yeah.
When I woke up in the morning, Dominic was nowhere to be found, and not a word from him had come my way. It had been 35 fucking hours since I had seen him last, but whatever, maybe he had to deal with something important.
I had been doing better over the last day or so. Nathan and his situation hadn't crossed my mind since my breakdown. I came to the realization that I was just over reacting. Nathan was a pussy, he wasn't worth it, and the little voice inside of my head kept telling me that he deserved what he did to himself.
The reason that I stood outside for so long was because Mae texted me earlier, asking if we could talk. She never really specified what she wanted to talk about, but I came anyways. I honestly hoped that she wouldn't want to try to salvage our friendship, because I didn't think I would be able to look at her after knowing that she had kept something like this from me for so long.
It took me about five minutes for me to actually muster the courage to ring the doorbell. I had been turning the situation over and over in my mind, dreading this moment yet knowing it was necessary. With a shaky breath, I pressed the doorbell and waited.
Finally, the door swung open, revealing Mae on the other side. Her usual blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and she wore a white sweat shirt paired with sweatpants. Her blue eyes, usually so full of life, looked relieved as she looked at me.
"Do you want to come in?" Mae's voice was soft, inviting, almost as if she sensed the gravity of the situation.
I shook my head, my throat suddenly dry. "I'm alright." I didn't want to overstep, to make this situation even more personal by entering her house. I knew that if I went in, the memories that we shared inside of it would flood my mind, and the situation wouldn't be so painless anymore.
"Okay." Mae's reply was barely a whisper, her gaze dropping to the ground for a moment. The door closed with a quiet click, and she stepped outside.
"Vi, I'm so sorry, I-" She started, then shut her mouth when she saw me shaking my head. I didn't want to hear her apologies, I just wanted to ask a simple question, then be on my way.
"I don't want your sympathy or pity." I crossed my arms over my stomach and looked away briefly, thinking about what to say. There were a thousand things that I wanted to ask her, millions even, but I chose the most peaceful question instead. "I just want to know why you knew, and never told me."
Mae blinked, gathering her own thoughts. "I was scared, Vi. I didn't want to hurt you."
I closed my eyes, trying my hardest to remain calm, even refusing the urge to laugh in her face. I wasn't that mean. "Yeah, well you did anyways. Standing here, looking at you, it's hurting me."
She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I know, I know, and I'm sorry, but you have to understand where I'm coming from." Pleading, her voice has gone more desperate.
I didn't say a thing, just let her keep talking. "I found out about Ryla and Nathan as soon as it happened. Ryla begged me not to tell you, she said it was a one time thing, but it wasn't. Since I didn't tell you as soon as it happened, I knew that if I were to tell you even a few weeks later, you would resent me, you'd leave. And Ryla? She'd hate me. I would have nobody."
Her? Having nobody? The idea made me laugh. She had everybody.
She was the second most popular girl in school next to Ryla, which was three years ago, but the connections that she made could last her for a lifetime. She had so many other important people, friendships, relationships in her life.
I was the one who had nobody.
"Well you kept your mouth shut, Mae. Does Ryla hate you now?" I asked, a ripple of annoyance peeking through me.
"No."
"Then you still have her."
"I don't know what you want me to say."
Fight for me.
"Nothing is fine." I refused my thoughts. Make it painless, I kept thinking.
If she wanted to keep me so badly, she would try harder.
She shook her head, her ponytail waving side to side. "I don't understand. Why does our friendship have to end because of this?"
It didn't surprise me that she didn't understand.
"Because you lied, Mae. I trusted you, and you lied to me. On top of that, I can barely even look at you knowing you're still on perfectly good terms with her."
"So you're saying you want me to cut Ryla out of my life?"
I shrugged, she blinked. "You know that I can't do that."
Her response should have felt like a stab to the heart, but it didn't, because I saw it coming anyways. "Yeah," I pursed my lips. "I know."
I always knew.
Not being good enough wasn't an unfamiliar concept to me. Fighting for me would be too much work for a person because my values were simply insufficient compared to everyone else's.
I was the supporting character who never got credit for being a character at all. The spare key who was only used when the actual key was unavailable. The Plan B. The second choice.
I saw it everyday. I saw it in my childhood, how my father always put his work above me. I saw it in friendships, how I always got the last minute pity invite. I saw it in relationships, how I always lacked in an important category to a man's fantasies.
Eventually, after you've been let down so many times, you anticipate the disappointment. You start to expect the silver medals, how they shine just the same as gold, but you bite them and they don't leave a mark. You expect the runner up title, how it whispers you did good, but not good enough.
Both echoed an 'almost,' but your performance is still too flawed to be the best.
To be the first.
To be the one.
"I know," I repeated again. Deep down I knew that Mae would never choose me over Ryla, but I asked anyways, just wanting to know what it might feel like to be chosen for once, even if it was in the slimmest of chances.
I took a deep breath in. "Which is why I already have everything of yours that I own packed in a box in the living room of my old place. You have a key, you can pick it up whenever you like, just make sure to return the key once you're done; I don't think you'll be needing it anymore anyways."
"Violet, what?" Mae's voice shook. "This is it?"
It was. I knew that if I forgave her, we would both just wind up even more hurt, and this would all be so much worse.
"Enjoy the rest of your day." Were my last words to her before she turned away, and they were stone cold, even for me.
And just like that, the last remaining relationship in my life was gone.
To name what I was feeling would take a thousand years. It was somewhere in between numbness, grief, and heartbreak. Then again, I felt so much lighter; like some sort of imaginary weight had been lifted from my heart. But I still didn't think painless was the right word for the situation anymore.
I walked down the stairs, my feet levelling back down to the sidewalk, fighting the tears that formed in my eyes. My reflection in the mirror of Dominic's car was surprising. My expression was heartless, as if I didn't feel a thing. The only giveaway was my eyes, which were glossy with pent up tears.
I got into the car, sitting there for a moment with my foot hovering over the gas pedal. I didn't look back, I couldn't.
Part of me knew that Mae didn't deserve that, that she was a victim of Ryla's manipulation too. The other part of me knew that I deserved better, because I would have never done what the both of the, did to me.
For the first time, I made the hard decision. I blocked out my people pleasing personality and did what was best for me.
It's for best, were the words that repeated in my head, over, and over again. When you have nobody else to justify your actions, you have to do it yourself.
In just two weeks, everybody that I had ever known was gone. My boyfriend, had cheated on me. My family, had chosen to lose contact after they married me off. My best friends stabbed me in the back. Everyone was gone.
It's for the best.
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When I got back to the house, I noticed that the car that Dominic took was parked in the garage again, he was back.
That fucker.
If he found out that I left, he would be pissed, which would probably lead into some sort of argument again. That's how things were with us. We'd argue, we'd tease, then argue some more, and that was it.
I took a deep breath, quietly walking up the stairs, trying my best not to make a sound. I figured that if Dominic didn't hear me, he wouldn't know that I was home, and there would be no fight between us.
Though when I went to open the door to my bedroom, a familiar tattooed hand stopped me. "Where the hell have you been?" Dominic demanded as if he hadn't been gone for even longer than I had.
He was like a fucking ghost.
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