Deciding to leave the palace walls last night and head into the city had been a great decision. Getting waylaid and arriving home much later than I intended may not have been the best decision on my part. I couldn't even tell you what the time was, sometime after midday but my main focus was getting back to my rooms without being caught by prying eyes asking questions and demanding answers.
The gardens were usually quiet, especially on this wing of the castle. It would only be a matter of finding the correct entrance and avoiding the servants that would undoubtedly tell my father, or the advisor, or one of his spies.
I should have grabbed that bottle of wine to take with me, no wait, I had grabbed the bottle of wine, I remember drinking from it on my way here. I don't remember finishing it though, had I dropped it? I laugh at myself and continue around the hedges, the garden set up like a bloody maze.
I wonder where my brother's are right now, if Alvy would join me for an afternoon drink, it has been sometime since we drank together, aside for the glass with dinner which hardly counted.
I walk into something soft and firm at the same time and hear a startled female cry as my hands instinctively grab whatever it is I've walked into.
"Hello pet," I smile as Daella's face comes into view. She looks up at me with wide eyes.
"Your Highness." She steps back and I let go of her shoulders, she curtsies before looking around her with wide scared eyes.
"Are you hiding from someone?" I ask, looking around as well.
"No Your Highness." She answers quickly wiping at her face. I notice her eyes are red and glassy.
"You're crying." I say out loud, not sure what else to do.
"I'm fine Your Highness, sorry for running into you, I wasn't looking where I was going." She wipes at her cheeks again, tears pooling quickly as she forces a smile on her face. I reach for the handkerchief in my pocket and hand it to her. She stares at it for a moment before taking it thanking me softly.
"Why are you crying, are you hurt?" I find myself asking, looking over her body as she quickly shakes her head.
"No, I'm not hurt." She assures me quickly.
I feel like I should say something else, maybe offer her something, but my mind is still spinning from all the wine and I feel like I would only make matters worse.
Still I find myself saying. "Come, sit down here with me." Gesturing to the bench close by, she looks at it and we sit down.
She dabs at her face, her breathing strained.
"Will you tell me why you're crying if I ask very nicely? I'm sure I can help with whatever it is." I smile, the kind of smile that usually got me my way, not sure why I was making such grand promises.
She shakes her head. "It isn't anything anyone else can help with. It isn't even something I should be talking about."
"Well it just so happens that I am excellent at keeping secrets." I wink and she just stares back straight faced. Hmm, that usually worked, why did all of my charms seem to fail when it came to her?
"I don't think that is true even at the best of times, besides the fact that you are clearly drunk." She replies looking back at her lap, the handkerchief in her hands.
"Well that is harsh coming from someone who knows nothing about me, besides I'm not drunk just a little tipsy. I managed to sober up a little on my way back to the palace."
She smiles shaking her head not believing my claims.
"Drunk or sober, it makes no difference Your Highness, I can't tell you. I don't think it would make much difference to you anyways."
"You do have an incredibly low opinion of me, don't you?" I ask, watching her fold the handkerchief in her hands.
"My opinion is based on our previous encounters, I'm not sure if you remember them and I know they were only brief, but they have shown me what kind of person you are." She replies looking up at me, she has stopped crying but there is still sadness there and fear, I can sense it over the haze of liquor.
"And what kind of person is that?" I ask, not sure if I truly wanted to know her opinion of me.
"Someone who thinks of himself first and his own desires, not giving thought to those around him. I'm not saying I believe you are a bad person, but you are not someone I would trust with my personal thoughts let alone secrets."
I feel a tightening in my chest at hearing her words, it was a common opinion, not unfounded, somewhat true. I smile, she holds my handkerchief towards me but I hold up my hand to stop her.
"Please, keep it. I'm sorry if I have given you the impression that I am just a selfish Prince who thinks only of himself, it is true that I do act on my own desires and often speak my mind with little thought to those around me, but it isn't all that I am."
"I hope not." She smiles sadly before standing and curtsying in front of me. "Good afternoon your highness."
I watch her move back towards the palace, her green dress blending in with the garden around her.
Well that felt like a cold splash of water. Her honest opinion of me, an opinion I had imprinted on her mind because of my own actions. I lean back into the bench, my arm resting on the back. I couldn't blame her, the last time I saw her I had her against the wall in the corridor offering various lessons and a firm hand. I can still remember her scent, like breathing in a lung full of fresh mountain air with the hint of elderberry, an open soul with just the hint of sweetness to lure you in. Now I remember why I chose to go out last night.
Why did it bother me so much that that was how she saw me? It was the truth in part, the part that I showed to the world around me. Usually I wouldn't care how anyone saw me, even my own brothers couldn't change who I was or how I presented myself despite their best efforts. They had stopped trying in earnest years ago.
Why should it matter at all that she believed what everyone else did about me?
Gods I needed another drink to stop this incessant idea from roaming freely through my head and stop the memory of her scent from invading my thoughts.