bruh this week was the worst but im back ♡
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He leads me into a small, intimate restaurant. "This place will have to do," Bible grumbles. "We don't have much time.
The restaurant looks fine to me. Wooden chairs, linen tablecloths, and walls the same colour as Bible's playroom-deep blood red-with small gilt mirrors randomly placed, white candles, and small vases of white roses. Thongchai McIntyre croons softly in the background about this thing called love. It's very romantic.
The waiter leads us to a table for two in a small alcove, and I sit, apprehensive and wondering what he's going to say.
"We don't have long," Bible says to the waiter as we sit. "So we'll each have sirloin steak cooked medium, béarnaise sauce if you have it, fries, and green vegetables, whatever the chef has; and bring me the wine list."
"Certainly, sir." The waiter, taken aback by Bible's cool, calm efficiency, scuttles off. Bible places his phone on the table. Jeez, don't I get a choice?
"And if I don't like steak?"
He sighs. "Don't start, Bui."
"I am not a child, Bible."
"Well, stop acting like one."
It's as if he's slapped me. I blink at him. So this is how it will be, an agitated, fraught conversation, albeit in a very romantic setting but certainly no hearts and flowers.
"I'm a child because I don't like steak?" I mutter trying to conceal my hurt.
"For deliberately making me jealous. It's a childish thing to do. Don't you have any remorse for your friend's feelings, leading him on like that?" Bible presses his lips together in a thin line and scowls as the waiter returns with the wine list.
I blush-I hadn't thought of that. Poor Nodt-I don't want to encourage him. Suddenly, I'm mortified. Bible has a point; it was a thoughtless thing to do. He glances at the wine list.
"Would you like to choose the wine?" He asks, raising his eyebrows at me expectantly, arrogance personified. He knows I know nothing about wine.
"You choose," I answer, sullen but chastened.
"Two glasses of the Barossa Valley Shiraz, please."
"Err...we only sell that wine by the bottle, sir."
"A bottle then," Bible snaps.
"Sir." He retreats, subdued, and I don't blame him. I frown at Bible. What's eating him? Oh, me probably and somewhere in the depths of my psyche, my inner goddess rises sleepily, stretches, and smiles. She's been asleep for a while.
"You're very grumpy."
He gazes at me impassively. "I wonder why that is?"
"Well, it's good to set the right tone for an intimate and honest discussion about the future, wouldn't you say?" I smile at him sweetly.
His mouth presses into a hard line, but then, almost reluctantly, his lips lift, and I know he's trying to stifle his smile.
"I'm sorry," he says.
"Apology accepted, and I'm pleased to inform you I haven't decided to become a vegetarian since we last ate."
"Since that was the last time you ate, I think that's a moot point."
"There's that word again, moot."
"Moot," he mouths and his eyes soften with humour. He runs his hand through his hair, and he's serious again. "Bui, the last time we spoke, you left me. I'm a little nervous. I've told you I want you back, and you've said...nothing." His gaze is intense and expectant while his candor is totally disarming. What the hell do I say to this?
"I've missed you...really missed you, Bible. The past few days have been...difficult." I swallow, and a lump in my throat swells as I recall my desperate anguish since I left him.
This last week has been the worst in my life, the pain almost indescribable. Nothing has come close. But reality hits home, winding me.
"Nothing's changed. I can't be what you want me to be." I squeeze the words out past the lump in my throat.
"You are what I want you to be," he says, his soft voice emphatic.
"No, Bible, I'm not."
"You're upset because of what happened last time. I behaved stupidly, and you... So did you. Why didn't you safe word, Bui?" His tone changes, becoming accusatory.
What? Whoa-change of direction. I flush, blinking at him.
"Answer me."
"I don't know. I was overwhelmed. I was trying to be what you wanted me to be, trying to deal with the pain, and it went out of my mind. You know...I forgot," I whisper ashamed, and I shrug apologetically.
Jeez, perhaps we could have avoided all this heartache.
"You forgot!" He gasps with horror, grabbing the sides of the table and glaring at me. I wither under his stare.
Shit! He's furious again. My inner goddess glares at me, too. See, you brought all this on yourself!
"How can I trust you?" He says, his voice low. "Ever?"
The waiter arrives with our wine as we sit staring at each other. Both of us filled with unspoken recriminations, while the waiter removes the cork with an unnecessary flourish and pours a little wine into Bible's glass. Automatically Bible reaches out and takes a sip.
"That's fine." His voice is curt.
Gingerly the waiter fills our glasses, placing the bottle on the table before beating a hasty retreat.
Bible has not taken his eyes off me the whole time. I am the first to crack, breaking eye contact, picking up my glass and taking a large gulp. I barely taste it.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, suddenly feeling stupid. I left because I thought we were incompatible, but he's saying I could have stopped him?
"Sorry for what?" He says alarmed.
"Not using the safe word."
He closes his eyes, as if in relief.
"We might have avoided all this suffering," he mutters.
"You look fine." More than fine. You look like you.
"Appearances can be deceptive," he says quietly. "I'm anything but fine. I feel like the sun has set and not risen for five days, Bui. I'm in perpetual night here."
I'm winded by his admission. Oh, like me.
"You said you'd never leave, yet the going gets tough and you're out the door."
"When did I say I'd never leave?"
"In your sleep. It was the most comforting thing I'd heard in so long, Build. It made me relax."
My heart constricts and I reach for my wine.
"You said you loved me," he whispers. "Is that now in the past tense?" His voice is low, laced with anxiety.
"No, Bible, it's not."
He gazes at me, and he looks so vulnerable as he exhales. "Good," he murmurs.
I'm shocked by his admission. He's had a change of heart. When I told him I loved him before, he was horrified.
The waiter is back. Briskly he places our plates in front of us and scuttles away.
Holy hell. Food.
"Eat," Bible commands.
Deep down I know I'm hungry, but right now, my stomach is in knots. Sitting across from the only man I have ever loved and debating our uncertain future does not promote a healthy appetite. I look dubiously at my food.
"So help me God, Build, if you don't eat, I will take you across my knee here in this restaurant, and it will have nothing to do with my sexual gratification. Eat!"
Jeez, keep your hair on, Bible. My subconscious stares at me over his half-moon specs. He is wholeheartedly in agreement with Bible.
"Okay, I'll eat. Stow your twitching palm, please."
He doesn't smile but continues to glare at me. Reluctantly I lift my knife and fork and slice into my steak. Oh, it's mouth-wateringly good. I am hungry, really hungry. I chew and he visibly relaxes.
We eat in silence. The music's changed. A soft-voiced woman sings in the background, her words echoing my thoughts.
I glance at Bible. He's eating and watching me. Hunger, longing, anxiety combined in one hot look.
"Do you know whose singing?" I try for some normal conversation.
Bible pauses and listens. "No...but she's good, whoever she is."
"I like her, too."
Finally he smiles his private enigmatic smile. What's he planning?
"What?" I ask.
He shakes his head. "Eat up," he says mildly.
I have eaten half the food on my plate. I cannot eat any more. How can I negotiate this?
"I can't eat any more. Have I eaten enough for you, Sir?"
He stares at me impassively, not answering, then glances at his watch.
"I am really full," I add, taking a sip of the delicious wine.
"We have to go shortly. Chen's here and you have to be up for work in the morning."
"So do you."
"I function on a lot less sleep than you do, Bui. At least you've eaten something."
"Aren't we going back via Charlie Tango?"
"No, I thought I might have a drink. Chen will collect us. Besides, this way I have you in the car all to myself for a few hours, at least. What can we do but talk?"
Oh, that's his plan.
Bible summons the waiter to ask for the check, then picks up his phone and makes a call.
"We're at Chubby Papaya." He hangs up.
Jeez, he's curt over the phone.
"You're very brusque with Chen, in fact, with most people."
"I just get to the point quickly, Build."
"You haven't gotten to the point this evening. Nothing's changed, Bible."
"I have a proposition for you."
"This started with a proposition."
"A different proposition."
The waiter returns, and Bible hands over his credit card without checking the bill. He gazes at me speculatively while the waiter swipes his card. Bible's phone buzzes once, and he peers at it.
He has a proposition? What now? A couple of scenarios run through my mind: kidnap, working for him.
No, nothing makes sense. Bible finishes paying.
"Come. Chen's outside."
We stand and he takes my hand.
"I don't want to lose you, Build." He kisses my knuckles tenderly, and the touch of his lips on my skin resonates throughout my body.
Outside the Audi is waiting. Bible opens my door. Climbing in, I sink into the plush leather. He heads to the driver's side, Chen steps out of the car and they talk briefly. This isn't their usual protocol. I'm curious. What are they talking about? Moments later, they both climb in, and I glance at Bible who's wearing his impassive face as he stares ahead.
I allow myself a brief moment to examine his godlike profile: perfect nose, sculptured full lips, hair falling deliciously over his forehead. This divine man is surely not meant for me.
Soft music suddenly fills the rear of the car, an orchestral piece that I don't know, and Chen pulls into the light traffic, heading for Bangkok.
Bible shifts to face me. "As I was saying, Bui, I have a proposition for you."
I glance nervously at Chen.
"Chen can't hear you," Bible reassures me.
"How?"
"Chen," Bible calls. Chen doesn't respond. He calls again, still no response. Bible leans over and taps his shoulder. Chen removes an ear bud I hadn't noticed.
"Yes, sir?"
"Thank you, Chen. It's okay."
"Sir."
"Happy now? He's listening to his iPod. Forget he's here. I do."
"Did you deliberately ask him to do that?"
"Yes."
Oh.
"Okay, your proposition?"
Bible looks suddenly determined and businesslike. Holy shit. We're negotiating a deal. I listen attentively.
"Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?"
My mouth drops open. "Kinky fuckery?" I squeak.
"Kinky fuckery."
"I can't believe you said that." I glance nervously at Chen.
"Well, I did. Answer me," he says calmly.
I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.
"I like your kinky fuckery," I whisper.
"That's what I thought. So what don't you like?"
Not being able to touch you. You enjoying my pain...
"The threat of cruel and unusual punishment."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, you have all those canes and whips and stuff in your playroom, and they frighten the living daylights out of me. I don't want you to use them on me."
"Okay, so no whips or canes-or belts, for that matter," he says sardonically.
I gaze at him puzzled. "Are you attempting to redefine the hard limits?"
"Not as such, I'm just trying to understand you, get a clearer picture of what you do and don't like."
"Fundamentally, Bible, it's your joy in inflicting pain on me that's difficult for me to handle. And the idea that you'll do it because I have crossed some arbitrary line."
"But it's not arbitrary; the rules are written down."
"I don't want a set of rules."
"None at all?"
"No rules." I shake my head, but my heart is in my mouth. Where is he going with this?
"But you don't mind if I spank you?"
"Spank me with what?"
"This." He holds up his hand.
I squirm uncomfortably. "No, not really. Especially with those silver balls..." Thank heavens its dark, my face is flaming and my voice trails off as I recall that night. Yeah...I'd do that again.
He smirks at me. "Yes, that was fun."
"More than fun," I mutter.
"So you can deal with some pain."
I shrug. "Yes, I guess."
Oh, where is he going with this? My anxiety level has shot up several magnitudes on the Richter scale.
He strokes his chin, deep in thought. "Bui, I want to start again. Do the vanilla thing and then maybe, once you trust me more and I trust you to be honest and to communicate with me, we could move on and do some of the things that I like to do."
I stare at him, stunned, with no thoughts in my head at all-like a computer crash. He gazes at me anxiously, but I can't see him clearly, as we're shrouded in the darkness. It occurs to me, finally, this is it.
He wants the light, but can I ask him to do this for me? And don't I like the dark? Some dark, sometimes. Memories of the Thomas Tallis night drift invitingly through my mind.
"But what about punishments?"
"No punishments." He shakes his head. "None."
"And the rules?"
"No rules."
"None at all? But you have needs."
"I need you more, Bui. These last few days have been purgatory. All my instincts tell me to let you go, tell me I don't deserve you.
"Those photos Nodt took...I can see how he sees you. You look so untroubled and beautiful, not that you're not beautiful now, but here you sit. I see your pain. It's hard knowing that I'm the one who has made you feel this way. But I'm a selfish man. I've wanted you since you fell into my office. You are exquisite, honest, warm, strong, witty, and beguilingly innocent; the list is endless. I am in awe of you. I want you, and the thought of anyone else having you is like a knife twisting in my soul."
My mouth goes dry. Holy shit. My subconscious nods with satisfaction. If that isn't a declaration of love, I don't know what is. And the words tumble out of me-a dam breached.
"Bible, I would never say that. Sad maybe, but you're a good man. I can see that... you're generous, you're kind, and you've never lied to me. And I haven't tried very hard. Last Saturday was such a shock to my system. It was my wake-up call. I realized that you'd been easy on me and that I couldn't be the person you wanted me to be. Then, after I left, it dawned on me that the physical pain you inflicted was not as bad as the pain of losing you. I do want to please you, but it's hard."
"You please me all the time," he whispers. "How often do I have to tell you that?"
"I never know what you're thinking. Sometimes you're so closed off...like an island state. You intimidate me. That's why I keep quiet. I don't know which way your mood is going to go. It swings from north to south and back again in a nanosecond. It's confusing and you won't let me touch you, and I want to so much to show you how much I love you."
He blinks at me in the darkness, warily I think, and I can resist him no longer. I unbuckle my seatbelt and scramble into his lap, taking him by surprise, and take his head in my hands.
"I love you, Bible. And you're prepared to do all this for me. I'm the one who is undeserving, and I'm just sorry that I can't do all those things for you. Maybe with time...I don't know...but yes, I accept your proposition. Where do I sign?"
He snakes his arms around me and crushes me to him.
"Bui," he breathes as he buries his nose in my hair.
We sit; our arms wrapped around each other, listening to the music-a soothing piano piece-mirroring the emotions in the car, the sweet tranquil calm after the storm. I snuggle into his arms, resting my head in the crook of his neck. He gently strokes my back.
"Touching is a hard limit for me, Build," he whispers.
"I know. I wish I understood why."
After a while, he sighs, and in a soft voice he says, "I had a horrific childhood. One of the crack whore's pimps..." His voice trails off, and his body tenses as he recalls some unimaginable horror. "I can remember that," he whispers, shuddering.
Abruptly, my heart constricts as I remember the burn scars marking his skin. Oh, Bible. I tighten my arms around his neck.
"Was she abusive? Your mother?" My voice is low and soft with unshed tears.
"Not that I remember. She was neglectful. She didn't protect me from her pimp."
He snorts. "I think it was me who looked after her. When she finally killed herself, it took four days for someone to raise the alarm and find us...I remember that."
I cannot contain my gasp of horror. Holy fucking shit. Bile rises in my throat.
"That's pretty fucked-up," I whisper.
"Fucked-up," he murmurs.
I turn my head and press my lips against his neck, seeking and offering solace as I imagine a small, dirty, brown-eyed boy lost and lonely beside the body of his dead mother.
Oh, Bible. I breathe in his scent. He smells heavenly, my favourite fragrance in the entire world. He tightens his arms around me and kisses my hair, and I sit wrapped in his embrace as Chen speeds into the night.
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When I wake, we're driving through Bangkok.
"Hey," Bible says softly.
"Sorry," I murmur as I sit up, blinking and stretching. I am still in his arms, on his lap.
"I could watch you sleep forever, Bui."
"Did I say anything?"
"No. We're nearly at your place."
Oh? "We're not going to yours?"
"No."
I sit up and gaze at him. "Why not?"
"Because you have work tomorrow."
"Oh." I pout.
He smirks at me. "Why, did you have something in mind?"
I flush. "Well, maybe."
He chuckles. "Bui, I am not going to touch you again, not until you beg me to."
"What!"
"So that you'll start communicating with me. Next time we make love, you're going to have to tell me exactly what you want in fine detail."
"Oh."
He shifts me off his lap as Chen pulls up outside my apartment. Bible climbs out and holds the car door open for me.
"I have something for you." He moves to the back of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out a large, gift-wrapped box. What the hell is this?
"Open it when you get inside."
"You're not coming in?"
"No, Build."
"So when will I see you?"
"Tomorrow."
"My boss wants me to go for a drink with him tomorrow."
Bible's face hardens. "Does he, now?" His voice is laced with latent menace.
"To celebrate my first week," I add quickly.
"Where?"
"I don't know."
"I could pick you up from there."
"Okay...I'll text you."
"Good."
He walks me to the lobby door and waits while I dig my keys out of my pocket. As I unlock the door, he leans forward and cups my chin, tilting my head back. His mouth hovers over mine, and closing his eyes, he runs a trail of kisses from the corner of my eye to the corner of my mouth.
A small moan escapes my mouth as my insides melt and unfurl.
"Until tomorrow," he breathes.
"Goodnight, Bible," I whisper, and I hear the need in my voice.
He smiles.
"Inside," he orders, and I walk through the lobby carrying my mysterious parcel.
"Laters, baby," he calls, then turns and with his easy grace, heading back to the car.
Once in the apartment, I open the gift box and find my MacBook Pro laptop, the phone, and another rectangular box. What is this? I unwrap the silver paper. Inside is a black, slim, leather case.
Opening the case, I find an iPad. Holy shit...an iPad. A white card is resting on the screen with a message written in Bible's handwriting:
Bui - This is for you.
I know what you want to hear.
The music on here says it for me.
Bible x
Holy cow. I have a Bible Sumettikul mixtape in the guise of a high-end iPad. I shake my head in disapproval because of the expense, but deep down I love it. Jack at the office has one, so I know how they work.
I switch it on and gasp as the wallpaper image appears: a small model glider. Oh wow. It's the Blanik L23 I gave him, mounted on a glass stand and sitting on what I think is Bible's desk at his office. I gape at it.
He built it! He really did build it. I remember now he mentioned it in the note with the flowers. I'm reeling, and I know in that instant that he's put a great deal of thought into this gift.
I slide the arrow at the bottom of the screen to unlock it and gasp again. The background photograph is of Bible and me at my graduation in the marquee. It's the one that appeared in the Bangkok Times. Bible looks so handsome, and I can't help my face-splitting grin, as my inner goddess curls up hugging herself on her chaise longue-yes, and he's mine!
With a swipe of my finger, the icons shift, and several new ones appear on the next screen. A Kindle app, iBooks, Word-whatever that is.
Holy shit! The British Library? I touch the icon and a menu appears: Historical Collection. Scrolling down, I select Novels of the 18th and 19th Century. Another menu. I tap on a title: The American by Henry James. A new window opens, offering me a scanned copy of the book to read. Holy crap-it's an early edition, published in 1879, and it's on my iPad! He's bought me the British Library at a touch of a button.
I exit quickly, knowing that I could be lost in this app for an eternity. I notice a "good food" app that makes me roll my eyes and smile at the same time, a news app, a weather app, but his note mentioned music. I go back to the main screen, hit the iPod icon and a playlist appears. I scroll through the songs, and the list makes me smile. Thomas Tallis-I'm not going to forget that in a hurry. I heard it twice, after all, while he flogged and fucked me.
"Harry Styles." My grin gets wider-dancing round the great room. The Bach Marcello piece-oh no, that's way too sad for my mood right now. Hmm. Apichet Kittikorncharoen -yeah, I've heard of him. Jakrapun Kornburiteerachote -my favourite singer also the man I was named after-and a song called "Lust for Life" by Lana Del Rey. How Bible. I smirk. Another called "I Wanna Be Yours"...oh yes, very Bible. And a few more I have never heard.
Selecting a song that catches my eye, I press play. It's called "Only the Brave" by Louis Tomlinson. He starts to sing, and his voice is a silken scarf wrapping around me, enveloping me. I lie down on my bed.
Does this mean Bible's going to try? Try this new relationship? I drink in the lyrics, staring at the ceiling, trying to understand his turnaround. He missed me. I missed him. He must have some feelings for me. He must. This iPad, these songs, these apps-he cares. He really cares. My heart swells with hope.
The song ends and tears spring to my eyes. I quickly scroll to another-"Slow Dancing in the Dark" by Joji-one of Us' favourite singers. I know the track, but I've never really listened to the lyrics before. I close my eyes and let the words wash over and through me.
My tears start to flow. I can't stem them. If this isn't an apology, what is it? Oh, Bible.
Or is this an invitation? Will he answer my questions? Am I reading too much into this? I am probably reading too much into this. My subconscious nods at me, trying to hide his pity.
I dash my tears away. I have to email him to thank him. I leap off my bed to fetch the mean machine.
Joji continues as I sit cross-legged on my bed. The Mac powers up and I log in.
From: Jakapan Puttha
Subject: IPAD
Date: December 10, 2022 23:56
To: Wichapas Sumettikul
You've made me cry again.
I love the iPad.
I love the songs.
I love the British Library App.
I love you.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
Bui xx
From: Wichapas Sumettikul
Subject: iPad
Date: December 11, 2023 00:03
To: Jakapan Puttha
I'm glad you like it. I bought one for myself.
Now, if I were there, I would kiss away your tears.
But I'm not-so go to sleep.
Wichapas Sumettikul
CEO, Sumettikul Enterprises Holdings Inc.
His response makes me smile, still so bossy, still so Bible. Will that change, too? And I realize in that moment that I hope not. I like him like this-commanding-as long as I can stand up to him without fear of punishment.
From: Jakapan Puttha
Subject: Mr Grumpy
Date: December 11, 2022 00:07
To: Wichapas Sumettikul
You sound your usual bossy and possibly tense, possibly grumpy self, Mr. Sumettikul.
I know something that could ease that. But then, you're not here-you wouldn't let me stay, and you expect me to beg...
Dream on, Sir.
Bui xx
PS: I also note that you included the Stalker's Anthem, "Every Breath You Take." I do enjoy your sense of humour, but does Dr. Flynn know?
From: Wichapas Sumettikul
Subject: Zen-Like Calm
Date: December 11, 2022 00.10
To: Jakapan Puttha
My Dearest Bui
Spanking occurs in vanilla relationships, too, you know. Usually consensually and in a sexual context...but I am more than happy to make an exception.
You'll be relieved to know that Dr. Flynn also enjoys my sense of humour.
Now, please go to sleep as you won't get much tomorrow.
Incidentally-you will beg, trust me. And I look forward to it.
Wichapas Sumettikul
Tense CEO, Sumettikul Enterprises Holdings Inc.
From: Jakapan Puttha
Subject: Goodnight, Sweet Dreams
Date: December 11, 2022 00:12
To: Wichapas Sumettikul
Well, since you ask so nicely, and I like your delicious threat, I'll curl up with the iPad that you have so kindly given me and fall asleep browsing in the British Library, listening to the music that says it for you.
B xxx
From: Wichapas Sumettikul
Subject: One more request
Date: December 11, 2022 00:15
To: Jakapan Puttha
Dream of me.
X
Wichapas Sumettikul
CEO, Sumettikul Enterprises Holdings Inc.
Dream of you, Bible? Always.
I change quickly into my pajamas, brush my teeth, and slip into bed. Putting my ear buds in, I pull the flattened Charlie Tango balloon from underneath my pillow and hug it to me. I am brimming with joy, a stupid, wide mouthed grin on my face. What a difference a day can make. How am I ever going to sleep?
James Arthur starts to sing a soothing melody with a hypnotic guitar riff, and I drift slowly into sleep, marveling how the world has righted itself in one evening and wondering idly if I should make a playlist for Bible.
{End of Chapter}