She never slept so bad as last night. It took her hours before sleep found her and once it did it was restless. Waking up at the smallest noises, tossing and turning until she was so tied up in her sheets, she couldn't breathe anymore. She had glanced at the door, thinking if Eris would show up but he didn't. She couldn't blame him, even after what happened she made sure he knew something like that could never happen again.
Gods, she clenched her legs together as she thought about how it felt to kiss him. It was fire, fire that ran through her whole body. And that had nothing to do with the fire in Eris's veins. She had amazing kisses before, amazing sex but the kissing with Eris was out of this world. It was something she never felt before and would make sure that it would never feel again.
She hated herself for the fact that she was falling for him. For the new him, the old him, just him. She tried to keep her distance since she came to the Autumn Court but there was just something about him that made her inch closer to him. But it still hurt too much, him not knowing her name, not knowing her. She knew part of it was her fault. For not telling him everything, about the old her, the new her, or their history. But every time she talked about it a piece of her heart broke. Because even though she could tell him everything from the day she was born, he would never know the extent of their friendship. And it wasn't like she couldn't be with someone who doesn't know her history, David didn't. But Eris... Eris was a whole different story. Everything with him was different.
After soaking in the tub for an hour, letting her mind go into overdrive, she climbed out and got dressed. She took in every detail of Helion's home, every painting or artwork. Anything to evade the inevitable. Since she was meeting Rhys for official business, she chose to wear her fighting leathers. The ones she wore the first time Eris saw her in again.
When she reached the dining room, she noticed the door ajar before voices flittered out to the hallway. She stepped in curiously and her mouth nearly dropped to the floor.
Eris and Helion were talking, civically. They even seemed relax, both leaning back in their chairs as they talked and ate. She walked over to them, taking them in. She took the seat on Helion's right, across from Eris.
"Should I be worried that you are talking without scowling or grunting?" She asked, sitting down. She kept her eyes on Helion, not ready to face Eris just yet. But she could feel his eyes roam over her body. Probably remembering the first time he met her.
"You're acting like we can't be civilized." Helion huffed. Even rolling his eyes playfully at Eris.
She snorted. "Are you forgetting that I have attended more than one meeting when the High Lords gather? I've seen how you can act towards each other." She felt Eris's eyes bore into her.
"Let me guess, your job?" He said. She didn't know what to expect from him, from his tone of voice. Resentment? A cold tone? But she never expected it to be kind, amusing even. She turned to him, blinking. He had an easy smile on his lips, a fork with pieces of egg on it hovered close to his mouth.
Helion glanced between them. From a surprised Terrin to a smiling General, not smirking or grimacing, but smiling. "You don't know what she does?"
"I just know she's what they call a spy. She won't tell me anything else."
"Understatement." Helion huffed. "She's the best spy out there, even better than the Night Court's Shadowsinger, believe it or not." He pointed to Terrin. "But don't tell him I said that."
"My lips are sealed." She laughed softly, making a move with her fingers to lock her lips.
"Oh, I believe it. I've caught the Illyrian myself one time. When he was snooping around my home."
She pulled back a grin. Her jaw twitching from the effort because she was there that day. She was on a short assignment that only lasted two days before she needed to leave Prythian, but she was there and saw it happen. While all the time she was standing only a metre away. And neither of them had noticed. It wasn't easy seeing him again after centuries, but she was happy he looked healthy and good. With Beron as a father, you never knew what would come of them. But she sure was going to drop that ball when she reached Velaris, when she would meet the shadowsinger. She was still curious as to why Rhys asked for her, since he had his own spymaster.
She must've been lost in thought because when she focussed back on the two males in front of her, they were talking about something completely else. When she heard Eris ask Helion if he ever visited the Autumn Court, she wanted to kick his legs. But Helion was a very observant male and would notice it without a doubt.
Helion looked at Eris for a moment, seeing the likeness he had with his mother. His eyes were sad. She thought about Lirone, about her being miserable with Beron for centuries, about the bruises she thought nobody noticed. But she did, not so long ago she found out. And it made her blood boil, so angry that she never noticed what was going on. That her sons never saw it. She didn't know how, but Beron would pay for it, even if he showed her any kindness left in him. She didn't hear the rest of the conversation as she thought about ways to punish the High Lord. She was pulled out of her thoughts when Helion spoke to her.
"What are you daydreaming about, Gen?" He purred.
"About how to destroy my enemies." She shrugged. He laughed, tossing his head back. She glanced to Eris, but his seat was empty.
"He's gone upstairs to pack his things."
"Right."
"What's going on with you two?" He asked a little to curiously to her liking.
"Nothing." She sighed. "Just old history that should stay in the past." She waved him off.
He shook his head. "He smiled, Gen! Smiled! That male never smiles. I didn't think he had the muscles in his face to do it." Then he added quietly. "He has his mother's smile." He clamped his mouth shut, his eyes wide. Like he said something he should have never spoken about out loud.
She leaned forward and rested her hand on his, giving it a squeeze. She knew she could speak freely because this room had enough enchantments on it, people from the outside wouldn't hear if a bomb dropped in the room. Thank gods, Eris had shut the door behind him.
"Don't give up on her, Helion. She still loves you. With everything in her."
"Who?" He croaked even though he tried to look at ease, leaning back in his chair.
She gave him a half smile. "Do you want to know why I don't accept your advances? Because Lirone is like my second mother. She helped raise me. So, it would be super weird to hook-up with you."
"That makes more sense than you not finding me handsome." He offered her a smile, but it didn't reach it eyes.
"If you didn't have any history with her, it would've happened a long time ago, High Lord." She joked. "But please, don't give up on her. She's just scared."
"How do you know?" She knew he wasn't asking about her being scared because he knew what kind of male Beron was. She doubted he knew about him being physically abusive, but he knew enough. She knew he didn't ask about how she knew about their history. He just wanted to know how she knew that Lirone still loved him.
"She has a little portrait of you. She hides it in a hidden compartment but takes it out often. I've found her crying over it once, she told me everything."
Helion paled and went completely still. With a shaking hand, he reached inside his inner pocket, took out a notebook and flipped it open in front of her. Inside was what looked like the second half of the portrait. Lirone was beaming in it.
"I didn't know she still had it."
"I don't think she knows you have it either." She said as she looked at the portrait. She never knew it was a portrait of the both of them.
He clasped both of her hands in his. His large hands swallowed hers whole. "Thank you." He said with a slight tremble in his voice.
Eris was waiting for her outside Helion's home. Waiting to go to Velaris, their last stop together. He knew his time was limited, so he didn't want to waste the day winnowing separately. He was going to try. And maybe by some miracle she would say yes and hold on to him, one last time. She came out of the house, still in her fighting leathers that made him a little lightheaded. Her bag was in her hands, and she had her hair up in a high ponytail.
"Hey." He swallowed, trying to hide his nerves. But knowing she was a spy, she probably saw right through it. "I know you wanted to winnow to Velaris alone but -" He offered his arm. Holding in his breath as he waited for her response.
He didn't sleep more than an hour last night. He was tossing and turning, he tried reading but his eyes seemed to glaze over after a minute. His mind going back to how it felt kissing her, how it felt with her hands in his hair, her legs around his waist. Her grinding in his lap. Every time he closed his eyes, it seemed like her green eyes were watching him before she retreated leaving him alone in the dark.
The next morning, it was easy talking to Helion. He never put any effort into knowing the other High Lords, but Helion was funny and kind. And now that he knew Terrin wouldn't bang him when he was or wasn't around, he didn't need to sneer at him. Gods dammed jealousy. It didn't take him long to figure out why his mother fell for him. And suddenly guilt crashed over him, because he had seen how miserable she was with his father. How the light had dimmed in her eyes, how she recoiled and kept quiet when he was around. She only brightened up when Terrin came in the room. And he was sure, she would brighten up again if she was with Helion. He would love to see his mother happy. Maybe when he got rid of his father, she can be. He was going to try his hardest to see her happy again.
When he heard her come in, he tried to look impassive. Not wanting to give Helion anything to think twice about. But it wasn't easy. Nothing with her was easy. But he still wanted her, wanted nothing in his life easy as long as she was in it.
To say he was shocked when it was revealed she was in several of the meetings he attended was an understatement. He couldn't quite figure out how she could do that. She wasn't a shadowsinger or a wraith, but what was she then?
"I wouldn't mind an escort." She answered. Warmth spread through his body as she looped her arm through his.
"It's going to be at least three jumps." He warned.
She shouldered her bag. "You go first. I'll take the second." She said.
She agreed to winnow with him, but she didn't smile or meet his eyes. Still, he tucked her close and they winnowed away.
After their second jump, they decided to take a short break on top of a mountain. Eris provided a large flame on the ground to warm her. The snow melting around it from its heat. They ate in silence. He watched her, how her eyes seemed to roam over every mountain top, every tree, everything. He wasn't surprised, she was a spy after all. They take in their surroundings all the time, to spot any dangers or targets. The flame even made her drop her coat, warming her enough so she could sit there with bare arms. He rather let the flame die out and wrap his arms around her, but she would just winnow away from him. So, he just watched her. Watched the leaf tattoo behind her ear. Watched her back where he knew was another tattoo.
He figured out a few days ago, he had fallen for her. Hard and fast. Maybe it was because something inside of him remembered her, like his body did when dancing. He could just watch her staring out to the scenery the whole day.
Before they went to do the last jump, she finally met his eyes and asked. "Have you been to the River House?"
"I have." He answered, putting out the fire with a wave of his hand.
"Okay, would you mind winnowing us there? I've only got the instructions from Rhys through a letter. And you knowing it, would make the landing more accurate. Who knows where we would end up if I tried." It was a sentence that could be heard as funny, but now it came out sad.
"Hold on tight, spymaster." He said, unable to resist grabbing her waist. Before she could protest, he winnowed them over to the High Lords house. And his gut recoiled by the idea that their time together was almost over. Of him keeping his promise to let her go, once and for all. Of him not seeing her again.