LUKE
4 months ago now.
4 months ago - fists colliding with tile, red, angry knuckles, recklessness, too many toxins and late nights to count, press releases, changing plans, exhaustion, rage and pain - never-ending that never decreases. Rage and pain that only learns to bottle itself up and sweep itself underneath the rug.
But that's the thing about sweeping things under the rug. They doesn't disappear. They're still there. Always there.
***
"Do you want to go somewhere?"
Mia looks so fragile from here, curled up against the car door, holding onto me for dear life, her lips just barely on mine. Like her small frame could break like glass, shattering into tiny pieces.
Even if she seems better now, she still feels closed off. I know that she's hiding something and that the sobs just seconds ago come from someplace deeper, someplace she won't show.
She looks up at me for the tiniest fragment of a second with those dark, arresting eyes before looking down again, nodding her head silently.
She reminds me so much of him and something in me wants to do whatever I can to make her not like this, to make her feel okay again.
"Where do you want to go?"
"Just...somewhere that's not here."
"Ok."
MIA
Luke stops by his place to pick up the clothes I was wearing last night and lets me change upstairs before we're off on the road, driving to who knows where.
All I know is that we're outside the city and everything feels gentler, more calm, more at peace. The windows are up because it's too cold to let them down, but just seeing the rush of the trees and their autumn leaves from outside the window is mesmerizing. Fall feels soulful.
Even though it's cold out, the sun is still shining, illuminating the burnt oranges and reds of the leaves that we pass by, driving on the highway to what I can only guess is upstate.
There's something about crying hard and feeling the sun against your cheek afterwards, drying up the tears that were once there. You can feel them turn to dried salt, leaving little white streaks on your skin, a reminder of sadness that's passed.
Neither of us have said anything yet, but it's nice. We've been in the car maybe 20 minutes now and the silence is comforting in a way, not the kind where you feel obligated to fill it.
Luke clears his throat and is the first to break it.
"If you want, you can turn on the radio or something."
I was leaning against the window before but I sit up, looking at the center console so I can turn on the radio.
The large, circular button is charcoal grey with a silver rim and I press it, silently worrying that my fingerprint will leave a mark on this incredibly expensive car. But it doesn't really, and the station is already on NPR when I turn the radio on.
I completely forget that it's Saturday until I hear Peter Sagal's voice and realize that "Wait Wait Don't Tell Me" is on. Memories of listening to the show on Saturday morning back home flood back and I realize that I haven't listened to the show since I moved away.
My hand hesitates on the button because I want nothing more than to listen in even though I figure that Luke probably doesn't. But he proves me wrong.
I'm just seconds away from changing the station but when I look at him for a just a second, Luke's watching the road, one hand on the steering wheel, and he's smiling.
LUKE
We're almost there and I'm fighting every urge to not look over at her ever 10 seconds when I see her sit up quickly from the corner of my eye.
"What is it?"
"Nothing, it's just, someone's selling...I think, pumpkins at the side of the road."
I look over quickly and see a little yearning look on her face, mixed the tiniest bit of happiness.
It's still maybe 100 yards in front of us.
"Do you want one?"She leans her head against the window again. "Halloween's already passed, it's too late."
"That doesn't answer my question. Do you want one?"
She looks over at me momentarily. "Well, yeah, kind of, maybe one of the really tiny ones. But I barely have any money so it's - "
Without hesitation, I turn on my blinker and pull to the side of the road, putting the car in park.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm getting you a pumpkin," I say, opening the door and stepping on the grass that's nearly brown.
"No, Luke, really, don't. It's fine."
"No, it's okay."
"Look, I know you can afford it, but, really, you don't have to." She stands up in her little overalls and green turtleneck, pushing a curly strand of hair out of her face.
"It's just a tiny pumpkin, Mia. You want one, I want to get you one."
And before she can protest anymore, I'm walking towards the small, wooden stand.
"Hi, how much for the pumpkins?"
The man sitting behind the little wooden box of pumpkins stands up and looks over at my car, his eyes widening in surprise and his thick, salt-and-pepper eyebrows raising. His wrinkled, tanned fingers reach for a little grey cash box and he opens it up, peering over the bright orange pumpkins laid out on the table.
"Well, the pumpkins here are half price since Halloween just passed. What size were you looking for?"
I see Mia wander over to the side, perusing over the figs at the other end of the stand.
"Just a small one. The smallest you have."
"That'll be $1. You can pick out whatever you want. If your girl wants some figs, you can fill up a gallon bucket for $6."
His choice of words makes me look over at her for a second again. "Ok, sure. We'll take some figs too." I look over at Mia and she looks back in surprise, her big, round, almond eyes widening.
"Hmm?"
"Is two gallons of figs enough?"
She laughs a little and it nearly knocks me out. "Luke, that's a lot...you don't have to get figs."
"You can try some if you want," the man says, smiling at the both of us, his eyes crinkling at the sides. "The season's almost over so this is probably my last batch."
"See? The season's almost over, Mia. I have to get you as many figs as possible before they're all gone until summer."
She looks down, pushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't like you buying all this stuff for me. First the clothes and now...all this...fruit."
"I saw you looking at them, you know you want them."
She makes a little whiny noise, knowing that I'm right. "What am I gonna do with a gallon of figs?"
"You can eat them."
"I can't eat a whole gallon of figs, Luke." She sighs, picking one up and biting her lip.
"Fine, okay, we'll share the figs. You get half, I'll take the other half."
"You are so infuriating."
I smile and hand the man a $10 bill before grabbing a bucket.
"Okay, you choose your pumpkin and I'll fill this up." Even though she seems frustrated, when I look over at her as I carry the bucket of figs to the car, I can the tiniest shadow of a smile.
MIA
"So you're not going to tell me where we're going?"
"Nope." Luke looks straight ahead, driving us down a little dirt road.
The path is bumpy and narrow, winding between tall trees that arch over us, creating a sky of ambers and muddy reds. The shadow of the leaves cast shade over everything, little rays of light peeking in and out of the spaces in between. All I see ahead of us are more trees, leading into what seems like nothingness.
"Why not?"
"Because I don't really know where we're going either."
I can't help but look over at him, trying not to smile and shaking my head, looking at his hard-set sharp jawline, his focused eyes and the little bit of stubble ghosting over his skin.
The GPS inside the car isn't even on, so all I can do is try to make something out of the road ahead of us.
We pass a little sign and I try to make out what it says but it's so small and Luke's driving so fast that I can't really make out what it says. The car barely makes any sound despite how fast we're going, gliding over little puddles and dipping only slightly every once in a while. I'm imagining that we're just going to be driving down this road for hours (and I don't really have a problem with that) until Luke switches lanes then turns, taking us down an even narrower road.
Eventually, we come to a little sign with an arrow pointing straight ahead and the road comes to an end, getting too narrow for a car to go through. We'll have to walk.
"Okay, now do you have an idea of where we're going?"
He smiles and he's so handsome it feels like little ripples course through my entire body. "Sort of."
"And let me guess, I'm going to have to wait until we get there to figure it out?"
He nods his head. "Yeah, pretty much."
Luke takes off his cufflinks and swiftly loosens his tie before taking it off and throwing it in the backseat. The purring car is turned off when he takes the key out of the ignition and opens the door, stepping out and getting the bucket of figs from the backseat. He rolls up his sleeves and I can see the veins in his arms as he lifts up the plastic tub, carrying it with one arm.
I can't help but laugh, looking up and sticking my hands in the pockets of my overalls.
"What are the figs for?"
He starts walking down the path and shrugs as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. "We're going to eat them."
We meander down the path, the only sound between us the crunching of fallen leaves under our feet, and I'm starting to wonder if he really does know where we're going until I see an expanse of grey-blue water in front of us, surrounded by a clearing of soft earth, shaded by the trees behind it.
The path opens up to a small lake, murky water and a few little wooden boats roped to a small pier. There's no one here, giving the lake a feeling of serenity and loneliness, but in a good way. The water's probably too freezing to go into now but judging by the boats and the long rope attached to a tree a few yards ahead, I can tell it's probably the perfect place to go during the summer.
"How'd you know this was here?"
"I saw a sign," he walks up to the pier and sets the bucket of figs down, pointing back towards where we parked the car, "back there while we were on the highway."
I don't know what to say, so I just sit down by the bucket at the edge of the pier, crossing my legs and looking out across the water. Luke does the same, sitting down so his long, lanky legs swing over the edge. I look up at the sky that's mostly white but looks like someone splotched watercolor grey across it, blanketed with hazy clouds. I should have brought a coat or a jacket, but the crisp, bitter upstate air isn't too bad if you don't think about it too hard.
The only part of New York I've been to is New York City and it's nice to be away from the city, sometimes.
I reach for a fig inside the bucket. "My grandmother's house had a fig tree behind it, actually." I say looking straight ahead, surprised that I'm actually saying something about my life before I came here.
"Really?" Luke takes a fig too, biting into it, and looking straight ahead as well.
LUKE
She continues on and I'm surprised she's actually revealing something about herself. "Yeah, my mom and my brother don't really care for figs. But my grandmother and I love them."
"I didn't know you have a brother."
"Yeah, he's younger."
Mia bites into the fig in her hand, the juice from the sweet fruit coating her full, pink lips.
"How old is he?" I ask.
"He's eight."
"What's he like?" I say, hoping I can try to get to know her as much as possible before she closes herself off again.
He eyes light up and she closes them for a second, like she's remembering something painful or something wonderful, I can't tell. "He's a lot like me." Then she takes a bite and changes the subject.
"These figs are delicious."
"Yeah, they are."
"I'm surprised he was even selling them, isn't summertime the season for figs?"
"I, actually, don't know. Maybe."
She nods. "Well I think the season goes up until November. So these must be the last of the harvest, maybe that's why he was selling them so cheap?"
"That would make sense."
She looks down and we both soak up the silence. Her small hands open up the fruit up, ripping off a piece and popping the fruity, sweet flesh in her mouth.
Mia sighs. "These taste like home."
Her eyes close and her eyelashes rest against her caramel skin, the hint of a smile on her sleepy face. She looks so beautiful like this and I'm fucking mesmerized.
She speaks up again. "So, what'd you do for Halloween?"
"Calum threw a party."
"Did you dress up?" she asks, turning to look at me and popping another piece of the fruit in her mouth. I take another fig, my second one, probably.
"Fuck no," I say with fruit in my mouth and she laughs a little.
"Why not?"
"I don't know. Halloween's stupid."
She's silent. "I love Halloween."
And I suddenly feel awful. "No, I just. I guess I shouldn't say Halloween's stupid. It's just that I never really celebrated Halloween as a kid. So I just don't get it."
"So you never went trick-or-treating when you were little?"
"Nope, never."
Her eyes widen and she turns to me. "I loved trick-or-treating as a kid."
"Really?"
She looks up and rests her hands in between her crossed legs, as if she's debating whether or not she should say more. "Yeah. I loved dressing up." She pauses. "And I loved going from house to house and, I don't know, feeling like a normal kid for once."
"When was the last time you went trick-or-treating?"
Mia looks down. "Probably when I was ten."
"Why'd you stop?"
"We, um. We moved away from the neighborhood we were in before, I guess you could say."
"Why couldn't you just go trick-or-treating in your new neighborhood?"
She slowly takes another fig, fiddling with it. "It was kind of complicated." She silently scratches the skin of the fig with her fingernail. "Can we talk about something else?"
And suddenly, it's like the iron walls have come back up just as quickly as they went down. But I can't blame her - we both have iron walls. "Yeah, of course."
"Sorry," she says softly.
"It's okay." She opens up the fig that's in her hand. "How was Calum's party?"
"It was good. He dressed up as Superman." I smile to myself. "And got so drunk he decided to sit in the kitchen sink and take a nap."
Mia smiles. "He must have a big kitchen sink."
And for the first time in a while, I'm laughing like I haven't in a very long time. "Yeah, he does."
She smiles and laughs too.
"You should have been there," I say, not knowing why I'm saying it.
"Really? I don't know."
"Well, the party was pretty dumb." I look ahead at the lake in front of us. "But it would've been less dumb if you were there with me."
I feel stupid for saying it and almost want to take it back, but she doesn't say anything in response. She just looks down, smiling, before looking back up and ahead at the lake in front of us too.
***
When we decide to head back the sky is just starting to get a little darker. We're sitting in the car, driving down the highway and I look back at Mia, about to ask her something.
But when I look over at her, I realize that she's sound asleep, her eyelids closed and her breathing quiet and slow.
The sky is getting darker earlier and earlier now and with the last bit of sunlight falling behind the tall trees, it shines against her face and her hair, making it look like she's glowing.
The drive back to the city is long and quiet, but I don't mind.
***
It's nighttime when I pull up at the campus and put the car in park.
"Hey, we're here."
Her eyelids flutter open and she sits up.
"Hmm?"
"We're here."
"Oh, okay."
She rubs her eyes and picks up her backpack and her tiny pumpkin before opening the car door and stepping out into the chilly night air. I turn the car off and step outside too, putting my hands in my pockets.
"Did you want the figs?"
She laughs, sleepily shifting her weight to one foot. "No, you can keep them."
I take one hand out of my pocket and rest it on the back of neck, not sure what to say. But before I can say goodnight, I feel a sharp pain in my index finger that I didn't notice before.
"Ow, fuck."
"What happened?"
"Nothing," I trail off, looking closely at my finger before sighing. "Shit, I have a splinter." I laugh, exasperated.
"You must have gotten one from the pier."
"Yeah probably. Ugh, I hate these and I haven't had one in forever. I can never get them out."
"Really? I used to get them all the time, I can try to get it out if you want?"
"Yeah, actually, that'd be great."
She steps closer, taking my finger and looking closely at it. "Oh, yeah, this one is pretty easy."
Focused, she squeezes upward until the bit of wood is poking out just a tiny bit. Then, with her fingernails, she tries to pull it out, but it won't budge. "Wait," she says, leaning forward and then, to my surprise, wraps her lips around my finger, sucking slightly and then pulling out the tiny splinter with her teeth before letting go. It's like everything moves in slow motion and with her lips just resting on my fingertip, she innocently looks up at me, before quickly pulling away. "I, um, I got it."
"Sorry," she says, looking up sheepishly, her nose red from the cold.
"No, it's okay," I say, flustered. "You got it out. Thanks."
"Does it still hurt?"
"Yeah, but just a tiny b –"
Holding my finger, she sing-songs, "Sana, sana, colita de rana. Si no sanas hoy sanaras mañana."
I'm perplexed but a little enchanted, as stupid as that sounds. "Where'd you learn that?"
"My mom," She smiles too and laughs a little bit. "It has magic healing powers for real. All better, right?"
I can't help but smile. "Yeah." And for some reason, I get the sudden urge to kiss her. I don't know why, but I want so badly to rest my fingers underneath her chin, putting my lips on hers. She's too good, fuck, and I know I'm bad for her but I don't care. So I do it anyway.
Without thinking, I lean down and kiss her, her lips tasting sweet, like figs. She kisses me back and even though it's just a short one, to say goodnight, I guess, but I wish it were longer.
We both end the kiss and she steps back, biting her lip and smiling. "Thanks for today, I had a really nice time."
"Yeah me too."
And after we say goodnight, she walks back to her dorm and I drive back to my place, my lips tasting like fruit.
***
i wanted to post this earlier but typhoon dolphin hit guam pretty hard :(
but finally, power is back and i can publish this! so yeah, let me know what you think in the comments! don't forget to check my tumblr for updates and hints about damage x
- danielle
iwriteabout5sos.tumblr.com