Bucky had left and wanted to talk to Tony and Bruce if there was a possibility that Hydra could still contact you in any way.
Meanwhile, you waited for him and trained a little. Doing so you remembered the Hydra facility and that you had beaten every one of the soldiers. No wonder your boss wanted you so badly. On the other hand, you also remembered training with Natasha and Clint and smiled. "Who are you thinking of?", Clint asked after he came in. "You and Nat." "Me? Sure you think about Nat. But me?" "Yeah, you know. Training." He giggled. "I wonder who would win if we'd do a little session now." "Me, for sure." "I don't think so but I will let you stay in your dream." You both laughed. "So... how are things going? How's your family?", you asked and he hesitated.
"It's okay", he said and shrugged, but you knew there was something he didn't want to tell you. "How are you?", he asked fast so you couldn't get into it. "It could be better. But... I manage, I guess." "That's good. Do you..."
Clint was unsure if he should ask or not but decided to do so: "remember anything? About... last time with Hydra." His wording sounded weird to you, what was he hiding? You took a deep breath.
"Well... I... I'm sorry for hurting you." "Don't worry about that, you didn't do much to me. It was my own fault, could have been more cautious. But do you remember anything else?" You raised your eyebrow. "I remember hurting Nat and then Tony and Peter were there. And then Bruce. After that, I woke up here." Clint nodded.
Hydra had captured you and you didn't know what to do. You knew you needed help and you knew the Avengers wouldn't get you soon, so you had to think about what to do now, even though they made you crazy with their tortures.
Your best idea was to enter someone's dreams and since you knew about most of the team having nightmares, you hoped that Clint would understand and help you.
While the Hydra procedures you tried to "fly away" with your ability into Clint's dreams and eventually were successful. It was giving you hope and strength to not succumb to their brainwashing.
But Clint didn't come.
He didn't understand so you begged him to come.
But he didn't.
Your energy was getting low, everything was blending so you just hoped that Clint would receive your message anyways.
But he didn't answer you and no one came. There was no energy left in your body and you succumbed to Hydras process.
After a while, you wanted to try one last time. When you had entered his dream he looked sad but you wanted to tell him what was going through your mind, at least a bit of it. You were angry and desperate, sad and lost and you needed to let it out. It was too much to handle and you realized again that they wouldn't come for you. You succumbed and cried. "What's wrong?", Clint asked. "Am I not worthy enough to be saved? Not good enough? I know I am bad and I... I should have never entered the team and I should have just been gone earlier and... Oh, god, I am so stupid and shit and...", you sighed, "Clint I'm sorry I didn't take enough care and that I put every one of you in danger. I'm so sorry for all my mistakes and I am sorry for... for not being able to hold on anymore. I tried. I really did... But Hydra is getting to me, I'm losing my mind... I guess I deserve it... paying my sins and all that... I am just so sorry. About everything. I hope your lives are good and becoming even better. I still love you guys. I... I just can't anymore... I just wanted to tell you that. I won't come back again, I suppose. But I don't think they will kill me either... But I just can't anymore... I am so done... I am so tired... So tired... I'm sorry."
"Y/n, hey, what's wrong?" Clint waited but you didn't respond. "Y/n! Y/n, hey!", he said louder. He noticed your watery eyes and the way you looked done. Done with everything.
"Y/n..." Your eyes weren't focused but you were looking at Clint without realizing it.
After a while, they focused on his eyes and he noticed, pulling you into a hug right away.
"Why didn't you come...?", you asked quietly, "Why was no one looking out for me...? Why...", your sobs didn't let you continue and you gave up.
"I'm so sorry... I wasn't sure if it's you or not... and the team said it's because I felt guilty... guilty for losing you... I should have trusted my gut, I'm so sorry", Clint explained. "They were... they..." "I know... you had shared it with me... Hydra did some horrible things to you... I am so sorry..."
Your crying got heavy and you were breathing so badly that Clint got worried about it. He tried to calm you down but was unsuccessful.
"Y/n, please watch your breathing", he added. You tried your best but failed every time. "No one... came... no one..." "I'm so sorry, y/n..." You got dizzy and your legs betrayed you but Clint caught you just in time, helping you to sit down safely. It hurt him seeing you like that and the fact that it was his fault you had to go through this. If he would have understood, he could have saved you. But he didn't.
"Take it easy, okay? And don't forget to drink something..." You looked at him and cried even more because the simple task of drinking something was impossible for you. "I'm sorry...", he said with a broken voice and left the room.
You screamed because of all the pain you were feeling and Bucky rushed in.
"What's wrong, y/n? What happened?" But you didn't answer him. "Alright, doll...", he said and lifted you up and lay you on your bed. He lifted your head a little, sat down and put it on his lap. Bucky stroked through your hair softly which calmed you down after a while.
"Here we go", he said and you could hear him smiling a little. "Thank you", you whispered. "If you want to talk about something, just start whenever you are ready, okay?"
You felt his impatience of not knowing what was going on but you were thankful he gave you room. "Please tell Clint that... just..." You sighed. You didn't want Clint to feel bad, but you were also angry at all of them for not saving you. "Did you think Clint's dreams were a clue or did you think he was overreacting?" Bucky hesitated.
"What do you mean?" He hoped you didn't mean what he thought you meant.
"When Hydra had me." "Well... I...", he cleared his throat, "We thought you were just hiding, we tried to find you but we couldn't." "I told Clint that Hydra got me... Several times... Why was no one looking out for that? Why did no one think they got me? Y'all knew they wanted me." He sighed. "We just trusted your skills... I mean you left a letter with why you didn't want to stay." You stood up. "So if whoever leaves a letter, they aren't...", your voice broke off. "No, y/n...", he stood up as well, trying to put his hand on your cheek but you backed away, "We just thought that Clint was reading too much into it and that you simply didn't want to be found... That's it... as soon as we knew what was going on we did everything to get you." You sighed. "I just can't... if you'd have only looked out for me... I can't get this out of my head..." Bucky stayed silent, knowing you were right. Just one mistake that led you to lose everything.
"Bucky...", you whispered, "How am I supposed to get over this...? Not just that I was left alone. I mean all of it..." "You're strong, doll. Give it some time..." "How am I supposed to live like this...?" "You're not alone, okay? You might have been alone back then, but you're not alone anymore. We will always do whatever we can to help you." "Is it just because... of that...? I mean... are y'all there for me because y'all feel guilty? And not because of us being a family?" Your chest hurt and you hoped for Bucky to say "No, doll. We love you a lot. We would do the same if it wouldn't have happened."
But he didn't. He stayed silent for way too long and tears were rushing down your cheeks.
"Doll... it's not like that but... it's a reason as well, yes. But mostly it's because you're one of us." You shook your head. "I don't know Bucks... I..." You couldn't manage to talk further and Bucky sat down again. You wanted him to leave but at the same time, you didn't.
"Bucky... Are we a family? Be honest. Are we? Or am I not a part of it anymore?" "Of course you are, doll!", he said standing up and pulled you into a hug. The heaviness you have felt just a second ago vanished. You were still a part of this team and family.
"You have to at least drink something", Natasha said. "I can't... Then stop pulling out the feeding tube all the time... You...", she sighed, "you'll die if you don't get any water and food." 'So be it' you thought but didn't say out loud.
"Isn't the feeling disgusting though? Getting it in and out I mean?" "It is." "Then please stop..." You sighed and didn't know how to explain so Natasha would get it. "Nat, I can't! Okay? I just can't! I am not allowed." "But you are... Please just drink and eat something. Please don't do this all over again... Please." "What... what do you mean?", you asked confused and Nat gave you a weird look. "What do you mean?", she copied you. "Yeah, what do you mean by that?" "You don't know?" "Well... I don't know what you mean with what I don't know." Natasha sighed and was pacing around now.
"Please just take care of yourself. Please. Eat. Drink. Let the feeding tube in. Please." She was annoyed but you still didn't understand why. "Natasha..." "y/n..." "What?" "What do you mean 'what'?" "God, you're confusing me! Please stop talking to me in code! I. Don't. Get. It", you said irritated.
Clint rushed in and stood between you. "Okay, ladies, calm down. Why don't you get a coffee, Nat? Hm?" She rolled her eyes and left. "What was going on here?", Clint asked as soon as Natasha was gone. "I have no clue. She was talking about something happening again. Or not happening again? God, I have no clue."
He noticed the feeding tube now. "Oh. Oh, well, okay. Uhm... She probably meant that you shouldn't listen to what Hydra said to you." "They said something to me?" Clint looked clearly confused and was thinking hard.
"So... you aren't allowed to eat and drink, right?" "Yeah. Finally, someone who understands." "Do you know why?" You wanted to answer but there was none. "Well because...", you began, hoping it would come when you started to talk, "Well, I'm just not allowed to, someone forbid it. I never ate or drank something." You weren't even sure about that, but there was no other explanation coming to your mind.
"I see...", he said sighing. "Also..." You stopped but there was no turning back now because Clint was hooked on what you were going to say, "I get these bad images as soon as I... do things I'm not allowed to... and there is this pain as well and...", you sighed, "I just don't want this." "I get that. But they were messing with your head, you know? They manipulated you into thinking that. A human needs nutrition and water to survive. Otherwise, they die." "Who was messing with my head? When did this happen?" Clints eyes widened and he put his hands up behind his head, sighing loudly. "What?", you asked still confused. "Okay, let us...", he began and you could see how much he was thinking, taking several seconds if not even minutes to proceed with his answer, "I'll be right back. Stay here." Clint left and closed the door, you tried to open it as well but it was locked. "How am I supposed to leave anyways...?"
Clint came back with Bucky on his side and both having stuff in their hands. Clint had several books, papers and pens and Bucky photos, a phone and a box.
"What's that about?", you asked when they were placing the stuff on the floor and sitting down.
"Sit down", Clint said, so you did. He took a book and a pen, while Bucky got the photos. "Come closer", Bucky said and showed you the photos as soon as you did it.
"Do you know these people?", he asked sliding through the pictures. You took them from him and began with the first. "Well, here we have Natasha, Bruce and Peter."
You put it away, looking at the next now. "This is Tony and... Pepper."
Next one. "This is Bruce again with... two friends." His friends looked like a couple, both young and smart in their lab coats. You wanted to put it away, but Bucky asked you if you knew them. "Am I supposed to? I don't, no. I don't think I ever saw them", you said thoughtfully. "Not even the girl?", Clint asked a bit pressuring. "Again: am I supposed to?" "She saved you", Bucky explained shortly. "From what? A bad dream? An illness? She doesn't look like an agent", you said confused. "She is one of the best agents we have actually. She worked undercover at Hydra and helped you to survive when they held you hostage", Bucky said and you scoffed. "In which way did she help though?" "She gave you meals so you wouldn't starve too much. She talked to you so you would snap out of the brainwash. She was there for you", Clint explained and you stood up fast, causing you to feel dizzy and seeing black for a moment.
Bucky stood up as well, holding you so you wouldn't fall. "I was there alone. I am still unsure about the time but I think at first they tortured me and then they took care of me, okay? There was no one else. Especially not when I got tortured. I know for a fact that they, later on, weren't that bad anymore. I had freedom, more than I'm getting here", you said almost angrily. "What do you mean?", Bucky asked irritated. "I could walk around the facility, I could train in the gym, I was one of the best soldiers there. And here? I am locked in a room 24/7 except when I gotta pee." "What are you talking about?", Clint hissed, "Just earlier you were complaining about Hydra and now you... What the hell?"
Kill them EQ8. ' The voice. My command. My pleasure to obey. Wait. No.'
You held your head because of the pain and confusion you were feeling. Bucky got closer but instead of being thankful you grabbed his arm, pushed it behind his back and kicked him to the ground. Clint immediately got up, ready to fight but you didn't attack him.
"Are you alright?", Clint asked Bucky and he nodded.
They are right there, aren't they? Go, get them. "No... I...", you whispered. "Y/n what is going on?", Bucky asked and tried again to get closer. "Stay away!", you yelled even though he wasn't even that far away.
"Calm down, y/n, no one wants to hurt you here", Clint said calmly and stepped back a little. "But I do", you said painfully and attacked Bucky. He dodged your fist and Clint came from behind, you slid through Bucky's legs and Clint almost hit him instead. "Y/n, please", Bucky said pleading, "stop!"
You stood still, trying to think straight which seemed impossible but you wanted to try.
'They are my mission. I have to kill them.'
You shook your head. 'No, goddamn no! They are family! What the hell is wrong with me?'
"Y/n..." "I'm not... I am...", you couldn't even say it. Part of you knew that you were y/n, the other part was fighting against it.
"I'm...", you tried again.
We should've just killed you. You're useless.
'No... I'm not useless! I'll make you proud, boss! Wait... goddammit...! Don't...'
You grabbed one of the pens and were about to attack but you didn't.
You didn't want to hurt them, why would you want that? 'I have to!'
You walked over to them and tried to stab Clint with the pen but Bucky grabbed your arm, twisting it and got you down on your knees.
"Bucks, it hurts, it hurts!", you whined and he let loose but it was just a trick so you kicked him away, trying to attack Clint again. Bucky now grabbed both your arms and you tried to get rid of them but you couldn't. You tried to kick him several times but his expression didn't even change a tiny bit.
"Tell me, soldier. Why aren't you still with them? You're better than me as it seems." He flinched when you had said "soldier" and got angrier with every word you had said.
"If you want to leave, then do it. Don't annoy us any longer with your EQ8 behaving!", he said angrily and opened the door for you. But Clint closed it right away, kind of knowing what was going on.
Kill them. "Fucking hell, no!", you yelled and covered your ears.
Now even Bucky understood.
"Shit... I'm... I'm sorry", Bucky said and got closer but you turned around so you couldn't see him anymore.
Kill them or die. "Just shut the fuck up", you said through gritted teeth.
"I-", Bucky began but Clint interrupted. "I don't think she means you, Barnes." Tears began to rush down your cheeks and you were totally overwhelmed with the situation. The urge to kill everyone was high, the voice annoying you in your head and almost like another voice annoying as well. It sounded like your own just... evil.
"Banner...", you said distraught. The men were confused at first but as soon as they understood Clint ran out and Bucky stayed, making sure you wouldn't hurt yourself.
"What's happening?", Bruce asked and tried to make out the situation. You turned around, facing him and while still covering your ears, you gave him a desperate look.
"I'll take over here. You both better leave and lock the door", Bruce said and the men followed his command.
"Y/n... what's wrong?" "I... the voice... and another voice... and I...", you stumbled. "I don't know what you're talking about, please try to say it again." He got a bit closer.
He'll be going to be a bit more difficult. You had your chance but it's not over yet.
"Oh god... shut up!", you yelled, "The voice... HIS voice... and my voice... no. Not my voice. It's her voice." "Who is she?" "EQ8." "So you hear EQ8's voice?"
Your arms dropped down slowly and you still looked at Banner.
You got closer and put your arms around him, he was a bit surprised but then did the same.
You were hugging, but not because you needed comfort. No. Because EQ8 took over again and you had a pen in your hand that wasn't just in your hand anymore.
"You built yourself a trap", Bruce whispered and you tried to back away but couldn't, "I don't know why you want to kill us so badly but you have to practice your social skills." "I don't care about social skills", you, or better said EQ8, hissed. "That's why I know when it's you", he whispered, "You really thought you could kill me? Thought I wouldn't notice? I have the other guy. I know exactly how things work." "I don't think so", you scoffed. "I do. And I know that you are still human and emotional." "Well, not really." "Sure. It just changes with the codes. I don't know what they did so that you got this separated, but believe me. Even you, this part, is not that different from y/n." You scoffed again, trying to get out of the 'hug' but he was too strong. The other guy must be helping him.
"Back away", you commanded. Bruce waited a second, then let go and put the pen away. It didn't even leave a scratch, even though you had stabbed him with it.
"If you, EQ8, need anything, don't hesitate to ask or tell me. And maybe you want to change your name as well, I don't think you should carry a name you got from Hydra. I don't know what it stands for, but I don't think it's pretty." You laughed. "You tell ME to change my name? You are calling the other guy different names that aren't... that pretty as you call it." "It's not about me here. I think I know how to get along with him. But do you?" You crossed your arms in front of you.
"Don't ruin your life. Don't ruin HER life. It's not yours to take." "But it's not hers either!", you yelled.
EQ8? Kill him already.
"I need to leave this room. I need space", you said, walked over to the door and waited for Bruce to open it. But he didn't.
You sighed and knew that this would go a way you didn't want it to but it led to it anyways.
Walking up to him, you kicked him in his private parts, grabbing a few pens from the floor and throwing away the caps. Bruce tried to dodge your punches but he wasn't really good at fighting. Well, definitely not as good as you.
"Stop, or he'll come. You know you can't kill me." "I almost did, time for another try." You stabbed him several times, but couldn't get to the parts where it could kill him.
"Stop it", he said and turned a little green already. "Oh, so now you want to meet me greeny?", you laughed, knowing there was barely time left to finally hit the right spot. You punched with your left arm, which he grabbed with his left as well, so you had a clear way to stab the pen into his throat with your right one. But before you hit him he transformed into Hulk. "Ah, come on!", you exclaimed annoyed and Hulk roared right into your face. "You should get some peppermints big guy. Now please just get small again." "Noo!", he roared. "It's not big of a deal. Just doing my mission greeny. Nothing personal." He just roared again and was panting in your face. "I still suggest peppermints though." "Save her! Not doing this!", he yelled in your face. "What do you mean?" "EQ8 evil!" You shrugged. "But EQ8 have to save!", he yelled. °I have to save who? Probably just myself° "Okay big guy, I'll save. Just open the door over there." He looked at you and then to the door, trying to slam it down but it didn't work.
"Was worth a try", you said to yourself. "Save y/n!", he yelled and Natasha ran in. "Hey, big guy, time to go to sleep."
While she was busy with Hulk, you sneaked to the door but outside was Bucky already waiting for you. "Ugh..." "What exactly is happening here?", he asked you worried and something inside you hurt. With puppy eyes, you tried to tell him that you don't know but he didn't buy it.
"You're still not her." "Are my social skills that bad?", you asked pouting. "Hmm... yeah." "Did you listen to that?", you asked and pointed your thumb inside the room. He nodded and you rolled your eyes. "So tell me, you're EQ8?" "Obviously, smartass." "You're pretty annoying." "So are you Winter Soldier." He flinched when you had said that word. "Can she hear us?", Bucky asked studying your face. You thought for a bit. "I guess so. I don't know." You shrugged and he sighed. "So how do we make you go away?" "That's pretty rude!", you exclaimed and implied a punch. "Just the truth. I don't think you'd like to be around people who want to kill you, do you." "I wouldn't mind. Would make everything more interesting." "Damn are you annoying..." "So are you. Now just... let me go through this beautiful hallway there." "And then?"
You looked over to Natasha who still tried to calm down the big green guy. "Why is she like that to him?", you changed the topic. "You mean nice?" You nodded. "I don't think Hulk has any bad intentions. He helped us a lot in fights. He's just not always... that good with his emotions I'd say. And I think that's what she sees. And so she helps him with it." "But why is she doing that and not... I don't know. Threatening him or hurting him?" Bucky gave you a worried and sad look. "Does it feel good getting hurt?", he asked and you furrowed your eyebrows. "I mean no, but it's what happens. And it works, doesn't it?" He implied a punch and you didn't even flinch. "How did it feel?" "I don't know", you said, "you didn't do anything, just threatening. I am not scared of you Bucky Barnes." "But how do you feel right now?" "Hmm... neutral. Cold. Nothing special." Bucky pulled you into a hug that you first thought would be an attack but you just let him do it, knowing he wouldn't really hurt you.
"How does this feel?", he whispered in your ear. "Weird. Unfamiliar. A bit too warm. I wouldn't have thought that a guy with metal would get this warm." He sighed and backed away a little.
"What would you prefer of these two?" "If I deserve it the first one. Otherwise just like how it is now." "So you don't like hugs?" "I guess." "That's okay. But if you could decide between a punch and nothing, what would you take?" "The punch if I deserve it." "But if you don't?" "Then I wouldn't get punched?! I don't get you."
Bucky sighed loudly and tried to punch you but you just grabbed his arm and pushed it away. "What was that for?", you asked. "You're annoying." "Fair point." "But you dodged it. So inside you don't think a punch is the right thing", he countered which made you think about it.