Aarzoo
Hold onto hope even when it's difficult to.
No matter how tight the door is shut,
The tiniest ray of light will still find its way to you.
~hope
'What do you possibly think about yourself?' I said as I rushed outside the apartment behind him grabbing him by his sleeves and turning him around. 'If you want to end this marriage, why did you get married in the first place?'
'Leave me alone' he said calmly with his gaze down as I still grabbed his sleeve. 'Why did you get married, how hard was it to say No?' I yelled. 'Why did you choose to marry and ruin my life like it wasn't ruined enough!' I asked him as I shut my eyes tight weeping. 'I had no choice too!' he said calmly again taking his sleeve off my grip. 'I'm sorry for whatever I did back in there. I shouldn't have done that' he added still ashamed of his behavior. 'You know, I have done something more shameful than that' I said stepping back and wiping off my tears from my cheeks. 'I married you' I completed my sentence looking fearlessly into his eyes. He stayed still looking back at me emotionlessly.
'Alright then let's fix this' he said dusting his sleeve. 'You're not happy, are you?' he asked.
'Does it look like I am?' I laughed sarcastically.
'Would it make you happier if I move out?' he looked at me desperately for an answer. 'This house, yours. The car, yours. The driver, yours. I'll credit money into your account for your expenses' He said sounding legit serious. I looked back at him as my laughter faded away. I couldn't believe what he was saying. 'Does your silence mean yes?'
This man is unbelievable! 'You can do whatever you want' I responded as disappointment took over me and walked back home closing the door as he stood right there looking at me. I sat there leaning my back on the door and cried. I needed to get to the root of this. I needed to know how Atif agreed to this marriage and why. I needed to know why so desperately that I found myself looking over his wardrobe. I never touched his things as he hated that more than anything in the world. I couldn't find anything odd except a blue file. He had a patient file in his personal belongings. As far as I know, he has a separate wardrobe for his patient files and research papers. It was out of usual that he had a patient file along with his personal belongings. Just before opening the file I stopped and thought to myself, am I doing the right thing? Would it be right if I opened this file? Damn it! I opened the file and the first thing I saw was the name of the patient.
'Maheen' I heard Atif's voice from behind my head. I froze in fear. He walked closer to me and stood beside me. 'Her name is Maheen' he completed his sentence. I looked at him as I prayed for this to be a lie. 'Is there another woman?' I asked him as I refused to believe my fate.
~
I left the house, going wherever my legs were taking me as I thought about how everything suddenly started making sense. Why he had no interest and why he didn't put in any effort to make this work? Because he never wanted to. And how could he? How can one be happy with someone in a marriage when their hearts belong to someone else? It is actually relieving in a way. Makes me less guilty. I'm not the reason why this marriage is ending. This time, it's not my fault. I did what I had to irrespective of what I wanted. But this is not my fault I fought my thoughts as I sat on an empty bench. I couldn't help but recall what happened back home.
'Yes, there is someone' he accepted without flinching even the slightest bit. 'Now that you have come so far, I think it's better to tell you the truth' He said as he took the file from my hand and went through it smiling.
"I saw her in the hospital for the first time. I noticed her as I walked to my cabin. She was sitting in the waiting lobby. She looked obviously nervous as she kept fidgeting with her fingers. After a few patients, her turn came. I had a proper look at her when she walked inside the cabin. Her skin was pale, not too pale to make me think she had anemia. Dimples showed up on her cheeks as she smiled nervously.
'Please come in' I smiled back. 'So, what is your name' I asked as I flipped to a new page and opened my pen cap. 'Maheen' She said. 'Okay, how old are you?' 'Turning 25 next month' she instantly said sounding like she was excited about her birthday next month. 'When is that?' I asked trying to build a friendly conversation like I always do with my patients to make them as comfortable as possible. '8TH of November' she said as a sweet smile appeared on her face and the dimples made it sweeter. 'Okay Maheen, how can I help you?' I asked getting into the reason why she was with me. 'so, I don't know what is wrong but I'm hoping you could help me out with this...' She continued to talk and I watched her speak so innocently. 'I'm experiencing these cramps very often lately'
'How often and how painful' I asked. 'I experienced one right before coming here. It's pretty painful' She said as her forehead wrinkled recalling the pain. 'Did you consume anything unusual?' I asked to find out if she's got any unhealthy habits. 'Today?' she asked. 'Yes.' I said firmly. 'I did' She said as her eyes widened. Her beautiful brown irises shone. She looked at me like she realized she was going to die. 'What did you consume? Any steroids or Opioids?' I asked hoping she denies it. 'Chocolates' She said with the same seriousness. I pressed my lips controlling my laughter. I couldn't decide if she was cute or dumb. I cleared my throat and said 'Okay, we'll get a little test run on you to figure out the problem. Does that sound okay?' I asked. 'I guess' her face went east and west. Controlling my laughter, I wrote a blood test for her. 'You can get the tests done right away and meet me tomorrow again for the results.' I smiled formally handing over the prescription. 'Okay, great!' she replied and left with a beautiful smile.
A smile that flattered me. She kept coming into my mind and distracted me. I usually hated distractions but she was different. She was a sweet distraction. Her results came out and turned out she only had VitD deficiency. 'Take these meds once every week' I said as I wrote down. 'Until when?' She sounded very unhappy. 'I'm sorry, I really hate these medicines' She added as she reclined her back on the chair unhappily. 'Until your birthday' I said. 'If you start having them from today, then you can stop exactly one day before your birthday' I said. 'Thank God' she said and rolled her eyes in relief'
'I couldn't get over her. I was invited for her birthday and ever since then it has been just her' he said.
'I love her' he quickly added as he shrugged. 'I was a coward, I couldn't tell this to my parents, and that's the reason why we are, how we are today'. I looked back at him as I felt numb. 'Okay' I replied. 'That's all?' He asked as if he expected a much bigger reaction out of me. 'What else can I say?' I laughed out my pain. 'I got the clarity that I needed' I told him. 'Thank you for understanding' he said. 'Are her cramps okay now?' I asked. 'All gone!' he said and chucked. I smiled at him in reply. 'You don't have to move out. I will' I told him. 'No, you don't have to. It's fine' He said. 'I can't stay here anymore' I said. 'You really don't have to worry about anything' he said. 'I wish you thought about it before getting married. It would've saved three lives. I'll be fine. And don't worry, something that happened on the basis of lies will never be truthful any day. This is over' I reassured him. He smiled in agreement but a slight amount of guilt took over his eyes.
I zoned back and realized I was sitting on a bench in the middle of nowhere. I realized it was getting late so I decided to walk back home. Just as I got close to our apartment I saw Atif getting down from his car in distance. He nodded formal bye to his driver and started walking towards the building from the opposite direction. I kept looking at him. He was a tall man. His shirt sleeves folded until his elbows. I knew how he had a tough day as his collar button and the button below was unbuttoned. He walked with his coat in his left hand and looked into his phone from his right. He randomly glanced in front and looked back at his phone. He looked in my direction again as he noticed me. He reminds me of how miserable my life is. He looked at me the same way as I looked at him. Hopelessness. My legs stopped walking as I heard 'Maheen' in his voice. I remembered how his heart lies with another woman. I remembered how I have no hopes of ever being happy in this marriage. Suddenly everything around me was moving in slow motion. 'I love her' I heard his voice again as my brain recalled. His lips curved into a soft smile and I wondered how shameless this man is. He's able to smile despite everything he's done and said. His face started blurring as my eyes started filling with tears. My hope of time healing my life was snatched away from me in a day. I looked down as I felt the gravity stronger as my body pulled itself towards the ground. I looked back at him with blurred vision. His smile faded away as he started walking faster toward me. Just when I was about fall to the ground I felt someone catch me. Atif sprinted towards me. My brain shut down and my eyes closed after one last question. Which day I went more wrong? Was it the day I got married to Atif? Or the day I chose to hide the truth from my parents?