"Are you sure you don't want to go and walk on the stage today?" Liam asks me walking to the front door.
"Nope, I'll receive my diploma in the mail."
"You know what Glenn said lou."
"Yea I do, she also said being away from Harry to focus on myself would be better for me but that's a load of bull shit."
"Louis."
"Don't Louis me liam! It's bull shit! If anything I've gotten more depressed from not being with him. Hence me staying in his fucking room, in the dark, holding his stupid pillow like it's going to magically turn into him. So no Liam, don't fucking Louis me."
"Alright, alright mate chill out. Maybe tell her you think you've had enough time to yourself? See what she thinks."
"She knows how badly I want to see him or even talk to him. It's like she doesn't want me doing either of those things and I- I just don't get it. It's like she has it out for him or some shit."
"Maybe it's because, I mean, don't take this the wrong way-."
"Payno, if you're about to say any of this could be just a hair of Harry's fault I swear to fuck my foot will be so far up your goddamn ass the doctors will have to surgically remove it. Got it? Choose your words wisely lad." I stare at Liam, his eye brows are raised and his lips are parted.
"I-."
"Well are you going to finish your sentence? No? Didn't fucking think so. Now see your self out of the house." I glare at him turning on my heels stomping up to the bedroom. I grab the small black journal from the nightstand with a pen and flip down on the bed with a heavy breath.
May
Maybe I should've chilled out but he was making my blood boil by saying this is or was your fault. I know I've said it before but it was out of fucking anger, this isn't anyone's fault but my own. I chose to do the shit I did! Nobody, not one single person made me do the things I've chosen to do. Especially not you... you've done nothing but the opposite. You wanted me better, you wanted me to make better decisions and I didn't, and for that reason, for those stupid fucking mistakes I chose to do, I fucked up! I almost lost my life, I costed your best friends life but I wear I tried, I really tried to save him H. And the bad decisions I chose made me lose you, the only person that means anything to me. The only one who makes the dark clouds move away for the sun. I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts me more than the fucking bullet wounds could ever think about hurting. Glenn is so full of shit! She's not coming out and being blunt but I really think she's against you and thinks it's your fault just like Liam. Staying away from you, not hearing your voice or seeing you isn't making me any better. It's making my depression worse. I know you were only doing what you thought was right but Harry, I need you, I need you now more than ever baby. You could've given me a fucking week to recover and do what the hell ever else I'm supposed to be doing and maybe that would've been enough time for me. You didn't even give me an option. I'm so fucking pissed at you. I mean I'm so goddamn angry at you Harry.
-Louis-
I close the journal and slide it back in the night stand laying back on the bed. I watch the ceiling fan circle feeling my eyes getting heavy. I jump up shaking my head. I grab my phone and go online.
I go to 'royal college of art' and apply.
*The next few things will be Louis journal entry's!*
X
June
I got into the college I applied for. I did what you asked me to do. I leave tomorrow. I'm a little nervous about being on my own in a big place like the UK but it'll give me a new chapter in life, new beginning. Fresh start innit? Every day that goes by without you, I can't help but wonder what you're up to, if you've changed back to being a complete ass to everyone, if you're still clean, if you're alive or somewhere dead and me not even know it. I've still not been sleeping good. The medication they have me doesn't seem to help, I just know if I had you sleeping beside of me they'd go away. Anyways enough about being sappy. Thank you for leaving the money you left, You didn't have to do that and it was plenty enough. I already got a small house waiting for me when I take off tomorrow. I went ahead and done some house searching while waiting on my email from the college. I still have plenty of money left to help me until I get a job. Liam said to tell you hi but I told him he didn't deserve to get a hi back. I'm still pissed at him. He left a weeks ago to New York. He got into some kind of modeling agency. They seen his pictures on Instagram and after that, the modeling company went crazy over him. Anyway, I hope you're doing well love.
I miss you
-L-
X
July
When I got here I was completely lost. Had no fucking idea where anything was at first but everything is coming together.
I've been here a month or a little more and feel a little better. I've not had non stop panic attacks like I was having back in Chicago. I have managed to sleep all through the night twice this week and I've ate a mean the whole week this week. My appetite is coming back around. The college is huge. I went by there a few times to get a good look at it. I start august first and I couldn't be more excited about it. I'm still trying to get use to being alone and not having anyone living with me or always beside of me. I'm sure when college starts I'll find a friend or at least I hope so. I think you would like it here, you know if we were still... yea, I think you'd of liked it.
-Louis-
X
August 1st
"Oh shit sorry!" I hear a Dutch accent day towering over me as in picking up my notebook and spilled coffee cup. I reach out to grab my notebook when his hand grabs it before me. A rose covering his hand with rings makes the air in my lungs deflate, only because it brought back a memory of Harry. I slowly raise my head looking up at the guy.
"I- um it's ok. I should've been looking up instead of at the ground." I say politely taking my note book from him. His hood is over his head.
"I'm bax." He says pulling his hoodie down. His lip is pierced and I see some tattoos peeking out around the neck of the hoodie. His eyes are green and his lips are plump, he has brown hair and of course he's taller than me. At least six foot.
"Louis Tomlinson." I half grin. He reaches his hand out and I shake it.
"You new here? Haven't seen your face before."
"Yea, I just moved here not long ago."
"College?"
"You would be correct."
"What are you taking?"
"Umm... art."
"Art! Wow. So you can draw and make beauty come to life on paper?"
"That's what I've been told so I guess we will see." I half laugh.
"Are you going to college?"
"No, I'm actually on my way to work. I'm running late."
"Oh shit! And I'm holding you up, I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you."
"You're fine. I actually work at the coffee shop you just came from. How about you follow me back and I'll get you a new cup to take with you?"
"No it's fine really."
"On me? Come on, who's going to pass up a free coffee?" He raises a brow with a smile.
"Alright, I guess you're right. Im not passing up a free coffee."
X
I set at the small bar on a stool in the coffee shop while Bax makes me another coffee. He hands it to me with and leans his arms on the bar.
"Make any friends yet?" I sip the hot fresh coffee and shake my head.
"No, not yet. I'm hoping I do soon, at least I'd be able to see a familiar face when I walk along the streets." I look at my phone seeing my class starts in fifteen minutes and it's still a little walk a ways. I jump up with my coffee in my hand.
"Shit! I've got to go! I'm going to be late."
"It was nice meeting you." I walk to the glass door pushing it open.
"I'm a familiar face now! stop in anytime, I'm usually here every day."
"I'll keep that in mind." I shout back rushing out of the door.
Of course my first day I'm late and have to apologize while taking a seat with awkwardness following along with everyone's eyes watching me.
"Happy to have you mr?"
"Tomlinson, Louis. Happy to be here ma'am." I give a tight smile.
I look up and see her name on the board.
Mrs. lux.
We have all of our Utensils, papers, erasers, books and paint on our desks.
"Today you can feel free to express yourself in a picture. You have the option to show the class or keep it to yourself! This first week we will take it easy." She announces. I relax and start sketching and outline. I hear the sound of a bell ringing that makes me come out of my dream land. I must've been so into my art I hadn't noticed hours went by. I gather my things and slide them in my arm. I walk out of the college doors and start back down the side walk. The sun has already went down so it's not as bright. I put my head phone in my ears and start my music.
'I'll look after you' by the fray starts playing and I hum along. I keep my head down trying to stay to myself and out of everyone's way on the side walk when I walk into a door.
"Bloody hell!" I groan rubbing my head. I take an ear phone out looking at the door.
"Oh my god! Are you ok?" The familiar voice speaks with laughing following behind it. I look up seeing bax laughing holding his stomach. My own laughter makes an escape joining him.
"You really should keep you head up! You're going to end up getting ran over or some shit Tomlinson!"
"I'll take that advice of mine sometime or another."
"If I were you, I'd take it starting now." He says letting the door close.
"Do you always hit people with doors?"
"Excuse me but you walked into my door."
"You wasn't looking when you opened it!"
"You wasn't looking when you were walking by!" He fights back making me laugh. I roll my eyes shaking my head.
"Did you make it to class?"
"I did yea, I was a little late but not too much."
"How was your first day?"
"It was... peaceful and very relaxing. I enjoyed it."
"Did you draw anything?"
"I did, it was a free day. Mrs. lux said we have an easy week this week. That we could express ourselves in art for this week."
"Mmm, can I see?" I raise my brows looking up at him.
"Uh I- I should probably just get home. It's getting late."
"It's just a drawing Louis, I didn't ask to see your social security number." He jokes.
"Im just not use to showing people my work just yet."
"I get it. I understand." He gives a soft smile. I grip my hand around my phone before stuffing it in my hoodie pocket. I grab the paper from the note book and hand it to him.
"Holy hell, this is amazing- you did this?" I nod once looking around at the crowd walking.
"Unless I have a clone." I joke. His eyes scan over the paper. It's a rainbow with a woman holding her baby blended into it.
"This is really fucking amazing!" I look awkwardly at him waiting for him to reach the paper back to me.
"Can I keep this?" I arch a brow in confusion at him.
"Why?"
"I told you it's amazing and I'd like to put it on the coffee shop."
"Uh in the coffee shop?"
"Yea like hang it behind the counter. Give the shop a little more beauty." Bax squints his eyes cracking a cheesy smile.
"Wouldn't you have to ask your manager or boss or whatever?"
"You're talking to him."
"You're the manager?"
"I own this place. It's mine." His teeth are are like pearly white and straight which makes his smile even more beautiful.
"Yea ok, I guess, keep it."
"I feel special."
"What? Why?"
"This is your first work from college and you gave it to me!" I lightly laugh not really knowing what else to do. A loud sound coming from across the street makes me nearly jump out of my skin. I grab my chest with a loud gasp. I feel my insides shaking and my breathing now picking up.
"Louis?" A loud ringing, more like a piercing noise is going off in my ears.
"Hey, you ok?" Bax's voice is muffled. My chest is tight and I feel like my throat is closing off. I can't breath.
Someone's gripping my arm, I can feel my feet moving and even though my eyes are open I can't focus or see anything.
"You're having a panic attack, I need you to breathe for me ok? Copy me." Something cold and wet is being rubbed on my forehead. I blink a few times still hearing baxs voice muffled.
"Breathe for me, slow and steady just like you're doing." A few minutes later I've calmed down and feel exhausted.
"I'm sorry." I say feeling defeated.
"You're sorry? You have no reason to be sorry. These things happen."
"You only just met me and you must think I'm fucking crazy, well guess what! I am." I raise my voice eyeing around the empty quite coffee shop. I don't even remember coming in here.
"Then I guess we're both crazy." I glance at him furrowing my brows.
"I have them to."
"Oh-."
"Happened after my mom, dad, sister and I got in a car crash a year ago."
"Oh my god."
"Yea, it's just me now." His lips go in a tight line.
"That's horrible, I'm really sorry."
"If they hadn't of been on their way back from getting me from my football game, maybe they'd still be here. I feel like it's my fault you know? Because they were on their way back from picking me up."
"I know that feeling very well, but it isn't your fault and you know they wouldn't want you saying things like that."
"Why do you have your attacks?"
"That's a story for another time yea?" I say with pleading eyes. I really don't want to explain any of it right now.
"Not even for another time. You don't have to tell me." He gives a soft smile.
"I really should be getting home now. I get tired after I have one of these stupid things." I stand to my feet and grab my things.
"It's dark out, do you mind the dark?" I play with the edge of the book I'm holding and look outside. Yes I mind the dark. I hate the dark now.
"Umm, I'm fine... I'll be fine."
"Yea?" I nod twice.
"Then why are your hands shaking and your teeth about to chew through your lip?" I freeze looking at him.
"Me hating the dark goes along with the reason I now have panic attacks." I say in frustration.
"I really don't mind walking you home. I was closing up when you decided to walk into my door." I groan tossing my head back.
"You're going to use that against me often yea?"
"You bet your ass I am!" Bax winks holding the door open. I wait on him to lock the place up and start walking beside of him when he's finished.
*Louis House. Wonder why he wanted this one?*
*first day of college*