I got three requests to do a story about Carl's death and I'm gonna be crying while writing this. @idkestxx had the idea of Y/N reading the letter from Carl, @miainthefuture had the idea of Y/N's reaction to the death/walker bite, and @xtrqpp requested a sad imagine. So here we goooo
Thanks so much for the requests/ideas!
Also "At the Bottom of Everything" by Bright Eyes is such a good song. It's the one in the beginning of Carl's death episode. I have a tattoo that says "I'm happy just because" since I love Carl, TWD, and that song :)
Update: I am 832 words in and I'm literally holding back tears I hate thinking of this so much it's making me so sad :( I like keep having to remind myself he's a fictional character and Chandler Riggs is alive and well but oh my God I couldn't even imagine actually going through this.
Update update: I'm finished and I'm literally in tears like I'm crying I can't
I sit on the front porch steps rubbing my temples with my fingers. It's been such a long, stressful few days, and I just can't wait to see Carl. I'm not sure where he is at the moment, but I'm not worried- I know he'll be back soon.
I just got back from a run with Rick, Michonne, and Daryl and I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down. I was just gonna go to bed as soon as I got here but I wanted to see Carl first. Finally I see him in the distance and he looks panicked, but when he sees me he breaks into a jog with a smile on his face. I stand up and wrap him in a huge hug when he gets here.
He flinches and grunts and I pull away. "What's wrong?"
He shakes his head. "Nothing, come here." Carl grabs me again and rubs his hand up and down my back, planting a kiss on the top of my head.
"Carl, I love you, but what's wrong," I say again when we pull apart.
Carl looks at me and doesn't say anything for a while. "I'll tell you later, okay? My dad said we're going to have a meeting in a few minutes. Then we can talk in my room."
I nod, knowing that's the best answer I'll get right now. Carl puts his arm around my waist and we walk towards the gate where Rick has people grouped up for the meeting. "What's it about?" I whisper to Carl when we get there.
"Just an update on supplies and stuff I think. I'm surprised he didn't tell you about it."
I shrug. "Maybe he did and I just wasn't listening." When the wind blew I noticed a blood stain on Carl's shirt. I quickly grab his jacket and move it aside. "Carl, what the fuck happened, are you okay?!"
Carl shushes me and pulls me to the back of the crowd just as Rick starts talking. "Stop shouting I'm fine. Just a walker, it's dead."
I calm down a bit but throughout the meeting I can't stop thinking about how close to death he could have been. When did he even go out in the woods, anyway?
When the meeting finishes Carl grabs my hand and drags me to his house. I'm a little worried since he doesn't say anything the entire time we make our way towards his room. He closes the door behind him and then turns to face me.
"If I show you..." he trails off, slightly shaking his head.
I grab his hands. "Carl just show me."
Carl slowly pulls off his jacket and unbuttons his flannel. The blood on his shirt is even more visible and my stomach flips as I stare at it. He rolls up his t-shirt and the sight almost makes me faint and I gasp in shock.
I shake my head as tears flood my eyes. "No, no, no, no, no," I cry, still staring at the fresh bite mark. "No. Carl." I look back up at him and see his eye is wet with tears as well. He drops his shirt and I immediately wrap my arms around him, sobbing into his shoulder. "You said it was just a walker," I whisper.
Carl rubs my back. "It was."
"You knew what I meant." I sniffle and can't control the tears and sobs as I grip Carl tighter, not wanting to let him go. Ever. "You can't do this to me. You can't leave me. Carl, you can't leave me, I love you."
"I love you too. So much." He kisses my forehead. "Please don't tell anyone. Not yet."
I pull away slightly and look up at him. "You didn't tell anyone?"
He shakes his head. "My dad's stressed enough right now and... we can't really do anything about it." Carl cups my cheek and wipes my fallen tear with his thumb.
"Come on," I say, "let's at least patch it up." We make our way to the bathroom and I help Carl clean it, while he winces in pain and I apologize, and then bandage it up. "You kill me Carl. You really do."
Carl smirks sadly. "And walkers kill me."
"Not the time," I say, about to break down in tears again. "Let's just... I don't know. Let's do something. What do you wanna do? Anything. I just want to be with you."
"Let me change my shirt first." I follow him to his room while he rips off the t-shirt and throws on another one, layering a clean flannel over it.
I stare at him with my arms folded but I'm completely zoned out thinking about his fate. I don't want to spend the last few days I have with him a complete mess... I want to be happy with him and have his last memories be good ones as opposed to ones where he's watching me cry 24/7.
"Watcha thinking about?" Carl asks, interrupting my thoughts.
"Guess," I answer sarcastically. I think it will lighten the mood if we both try to joke with each other. Laughing is better than crying.
The next few days were painful yet the best I have had in a while. Carl and I literally spent every moment together whether we were eating, working, sleeping, or watching Judith. Carl had the idea of painting our hands and placing our handprints on a piece of wood. Mine and Carl's prints were next to each other and Judith's was a little lower in the center. At some points I even forgot that Carl was about to...
Anyway, we're now in the underground tunnel with Carl positioned as comfortable as possible on a cot. I'm sitting criss-cross next to him squeezing his hand and rubbing circles on it with my thumb. Occasionally I would bring his hand up and place gentle kisses on it and Carl would smile.
When Rick showed up a few minutes ago, the shock on his face was indescribable. He thought that maybe we could bring Carl to Hilltop... so that's what we decided.
Rick and I lift up Carl and hold him while we climb out of the tunnel, Michonne trailing behind us. Carl is breathing heavy and looks pale with dark circles around his eyes, and I know his time is running out no matter how much I hoped he would somehow survive. We walk in silence and the four of us realize that Carl can't make it to Hilltop. It's impossible, too far. The amount of energy it would take for someone who is slowly turning...
"In the church," I point out. We drag Carl inside the church and close the door, then carefully lay him down on the floor. I can't really hear what Michonne and Rick are telling him and what he's answering with because my ears are ringing, my heart is pounding, and I am overwhelmed with the amount of grief, hurt, sadness, and guilt I feel.
But when the voices stop, I look in his eyes. "Y/N," he says breathlessly.
"Yeah?" I manage to get out, my voice breaking.
Michonne and Rick had hugged and kissed Carl, saying their final goodbyes, and then left us two alone for the last few minutes. I can't believe these are the last few minutes with my absolute love... Carl... I start to think of all the good times we had had together. Hunting in the woods, taking walks, going on runs, playing pranks on each other, cuddling at night, making each other laugh...
Carl squeezes my hand. "Don't," he says. "Don't cry. Don't cry for me. You have to be strong, okay? I'm always going to be with you, you know that right?"
I nod, unable to speak or I would break down completely. Teardrops fall onto Carl's hand and I wipe my eyes with my free hand. "I love you," I whisper.
"I love you too, Y/N. So much. I didn't beat this world. But you will. I promise. Stay strong for me, okay?"
I can't take it anymore and start sobbing and wrap my arms gently around him with my head in the crook of his shoulder. I can hear his sniffles, too, as he hugs me and kisses my head. I lift up from him and place one last soft, gentle kiss on his lips. Something I'll never be able to do again. I don't want to leave him- I never want to leave him- but I know I have to. He's suffering and I can't make him stay in this world just because I want him to. This is a shitty world and he was put in a shitty situation and even though it sucks, it's the way it is. I have to let him go.
"I love you, Carl. Do you want me to stay with you?"
He shakes his head and grabs the gun next to him. "No. I need to be alone, I can't let you watch that. I love you."
I nod understandingly and give him one last hug before standing up and wiping my eyes to rid the tears and see him clearly. He smiles at me and I force one back. When I leave the church I can't hide my emotions anymore and I start sobbing loudly. Michonne and Rick both wrap me in a hug and we all stand there like that until a gunshot sounds. This makes all of us even more sad and hurt and we know we don't want to do anything except mourn, but we also know we have to keep going... keep moving. I have to stay strong for Carl.
After the fires have stopped and Carl was buried, I sit in front of his grave and stare with red eyes at the piece of wood with his name engraved in it. My fingers pick at the grass as I'm deep in thought. At least I'm not crying, but I genuinely don't think I have enough tears for that anymore anyway.
"Hey," a voice behind me says, making me jump. I turn around to see Rick, and then turn back towards the grave.
"Hey," I mutter.
Rick sighs as he kneels in the grass next to me. I hear crinkling so I turn towards him and see he's holding a piece of paper. "Here," Rick says, handing it out to me. "Carl wrote one for each of us." It looks like he wants to say more but can't find the words.
"Thank you," I say. As Rick walks away I stare at the folded letter. How the hell am I gonna read this? I won't make it past one line before breaking down again.
I gingerly open the letter, not wanting to rip it one bit. I need to keep this exactly how Carl had had it. At the first word, my name, I have to bite my cheek so I don't start sobbing.
Y/N,
I love you! That had to be written first. It's late at night and I'm watching you sleep peacefully. I'll miss these nights. And all of our days together, too. But please don't cry, I hate seeing you so sad and I won't be able to comfort you anymore. I just want you to be safe. I've been trying to keep you safe since the day I met you, I never wanted anything bad to happen to you.
Judith loves you, too, and I'm not worried about her because I know you'll take great care of her, especially when Dad and Michonne aren't in Alexandria. I trust you with my life. Well, the life that I had.
I smile at that part, almost hearing Carl's sarcasm as he jokes about his own death.
I want to tell you that I wrote to Negan. Telling him to stop this war. I don't know if he'll listen or not, but it's the least I could do. It's not fair to you, or Dad, or anyone in Alexandria. I also told Dad to try to find peace with Negan.
I just want everything to be peaceful and for you to live safely for the rest of your life. I don't want you worrying everyday about me or about the safety of our family. And even though I'll miss you and I love you more than anything, I better not see you for a very long time after I'm gone... Live a long, happy life for me.
Thank you for being the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I love you, Y/N, so much.
- Carl