*Watch out for mistakes and misspellings.*
A truly well-crafted mystery that will keep you on the edge of your seat until the very end.
Opening comments:
First of all, I'm aware this took--if not weeks, months--of waiting. And I am terribly sorry. School just really came at me full force and I wasn't able to find any footing. So yeah, add that in with some rising health issues and stuff...I just can't find the time, or motivation to do anything. But hey! I'm here now and here is your review!
Don't feel shy to add inline comments if you have any inquiries, reactions or pm me if you have anything you can't understand in my critique.
First Impressions:
The cover is good, but it isn't fit for the story. I actually originally thought this would be another historical, young adult book. Turns out it was far from what it actually is. Your story is a young adult, thriller mystery. The color palette, the picture and the font betrays all the aspects these genres need to have to convey a feeling and to reel their target audience. Yellow, unless otherwise used in a creative/artistic manner or a paler shade of yellow, does not belong in your genre. I also don't understand where in the book it states a girl with a flowing white dress reminiscent that of 'running in the castle hallways' aesthetic.
Considering your genre, I would suggest a darker tone for your cover. Avoid using cursive fonts like in your recent cover, solely unless used in passive aggressive context or with a hint of edge or malice.
Now for the title, I think it's fine. The action-mystery part could really be established better in the cover. But I saw the other books of this series and realized they're all the same title? As far as my knowledge in series goes, these books usually have a title of their own rather than just being 'book 1' and 'book 2.'
For example, there's those series whose titles go like: Genius: The Game, Genius: The Con, and Genius: The Revolution. Thus this series is called Genius series. Some other examples of these kinds of titles is The School for Good and Evil series, for example: The School for Good and Evil: A World Without Princes, The School for Good and Evil: Happily Never After. Some could also be like this: Children of Blood and Bone and Children of Virtue and Vengeance. Another example of this type of series titles is the: His Hidden Warriors and His Wandering Warriors.
It doesn't seem so complete if the only thing distinguishing your books from the other is the label 'book 1' and 'book 2' and the differences in colors, but other than that nothing else.
My first impression on the blurb is: generic. There are more exciting aspects in your story than just simply about Andei's rage for whoever killed her parents. Because when you phrase the blurb like this, with only a single aspect of the story in mind, it wouldn't really instill the need to read your book into the reader. This blurb also doesn't show much, or if anything at all, of what your book's going to be about. We don't know the inciting incident, just the fact that Andei wants to avenge her parents.
Why don't you use Carl's death as the inciting incident instead? Since it is the turning point of the story.
But now we move into the opening chapter.
The opening chapter is...confusing to say the least. This is where I have a couple problems. First of all, you shocked your readers into the story, not suck them in. The writing was vague, too vague. The pacing was fast, but not the good kind of fast. You see, it's critical that you ease your readers into your story and not shock or confuse them too much.
Though I did just read another (published) book with a confusing start. The Girl Who Drank The Moon by Kelly Barnhill had a weird and confusing opening chapter, much like your own. It was incredibly fast paced, lasting only a single back-to back page, and it only consisted of dialogues, no other description. It was written in italics too.
And just like how I acted with your opening, I was pretty much weirded out by this, and I didn't care enough to try and analyze what exactly it meant. And again, much like with how I acted in your opening, I set the book away for a while. The opening wasn't good, it was confusing and I (and probably most other readers) didn't want to read such a confusing book. But just recently I finally picked up the courage to open this book back up again, read the next chapter and oh boy was I wrong to judge its first chapter. As I read on, it was actually such a fantastical ride, and I found myself more and more engaged with the way the first chapter was written. This was because the same format was used every one or two chapters, and slowly as you find out more about the mystery of it all, the magic system, the unusual grieving city, you start to understand what the occasional appearances of the weird chapters meant. And it was beautiful.
I was hoping to find this beautiful and unique unfolding in your story as well.
Unfortunately the confusing POV in The Lady Inside didn't so much as appear a fourth time. So it wasn't anything like The Girl Who Drank The Moon, where I actually slowly found out what these weird chapters meant as the book progresses.
But I understand why you did it, maybe you just ran out of the story that the unknown POV gave, or maybe you changed your mind about having an anonymous POV in your book. No matter the reason, I only have a single suggestion: put all of the unknown person's POV in the prologue itself. Re-strengthen it and actually go all out on writing it all by adding all the details you've chopped up to different parts into that prologue. This way, we may also not confuse this unknown POV for Andei's POV.
Though I liked the twist at the end that sort of wrapped up the beginning and also introduces the second book. That was something so intelligent! I was really shocked and in awe when I read that!
Theme:
I can see the theme you want to give here. It's about being able to trust in other people and that you can't do things on your own. I had originally made like, four to five huge chunks of paragraph here talking about why Andei couldn't get things done and she's not progressing at all. But now I understand that that's all on purpose, that you wanted to convey that you can't do things on your own, because humans can only lean on others for help. That's a really meaningful moral, though it always depends on the execution.
On your part though, the execution...I have a few questions. So she only ever asked for help when Neil was around right? She didn't let others in, not even her long time best friend Ace or the other group of close friends. I think it's nice, and I like the way Neil offered her his help, it was really great. Although it may be a little unsatisfying (for me) since I normally like shows or books that give an explosive and often action packed emotional twist that affects the plot in some way. And in here, it only took a conversation to get her to open up. So that's a bit disappointing, though I do understand that this may not be the type of story that's more emotion-wise, but rather, has separate threads for the emotion and the plot. It also makes sense she'd open up to Neil specifically since he's an important lead for her, he's a plot point. So I would let this slide.
I did notice the way Andei's finally starting to trust in her friends, and is more of a planner or a leader. So, though the emotional threads are more hidden beneath, it's still noticeable and nice. Good job!
I also loved the irony that Andei wants revenge, in some way, but in a less violent way. She just wants to know who killed her parents. And then there's the main villain who also has death and revenge as his motivation, but has a more violent way of executing it. It shows the different ways people handle emotions, morals, values. It's also quite possible that he doesn't have the friends Andei has; he may not have that closely-knitted support system any grieving person has to have. It's beautiful.
Characterization:
Andei seems like a really fleshed out character. She has a development of her own, and though I did become annoyed at her when she's not doing any progress in finding the killer, I think that may be on purpose. I also loved that you didn't write her as another cliche badass girl, and instead gave her some very honest and beautiful vulnerability scenes.
I especially loved Ace and Neil and the way they're always by her side and they too, have a special place in her heart.
The new friends, her parents' friends' children, were at first pretty uneventful and I really couldn't remember their personalities. Though they really made up for it in the climax when you used the whole cast's full potential to execute the plan.
Format:
I love your format. I love that there are banners at the start and end of the chapters, it really shows the amount of effort you put into this book. The chapters also aren't usually that long, which was honestly convenient for me because I don't particularly like reviewing books with long chapters and a good amount of it too. But that said, even if your reader isn't a reviewer, I assume they still would like the chapter length because it's just good for reading on the go.
The graph with the transferee's names and information was also pretty neat. I usually don't commend adding pictures and picture references of things you nee to describe in a book but I would let this one slide. Describing a graph can come off pretty lengthy and boring sometimes, so adding this bit of graph could be helpful. It reminds me of the illustrations on some published books.
Conflict and plot:
There are a couple plot holes. Like why did Andei need so much motivation and drive? Just the fact that her parent's school/company could fall bankrupt because of these murders would have been a strong enough motivation. But why only when Carl hung himself did she understand the consequences and really started pursuing the killer?
The way the plot points and leads are presented also becomes a little...annoying to me. They're all something that comes by without Andei even trying, it's like a dues ex machina. True, Andei struggles with the effects these leads/clues give her, but in the act of getting these clues, she didn't so much as lift a finger. Take Carl's death for example, she suffered because of his death, but the way she uncovered the plot point (that Carl's parents are her parents' old friends) was way too easy, it just happened? Though I could still let this slide, it's not that big of a deal.
But then there's the note (?) that came when she was at the rooftop, what did she do? She got to the rooftop and thought, then suddenly the suspect starts giving her the clues. She did nothing, but she got the clues. It's a little unsatisfying. It's like the suspect just throws her these clues to patch out, without her doing something to actively sought for leads. All her other advances were also proven fruitless. This, I think, is what made her character strike some buttons in me. And though the theme that she can't do anything without others sort of patched this plot hole up, it's still annoying for me as a reader to watch her dues ex machina her way even until she asked for help for the others.
But now let's move on to our next point: the killer. I do understand the killer is actively baiting and planning Andei's demise. But Andei also has a lot of motivation, she also has to actively pursue the killer, but why isn't she, nor her group of friends, going somewhere without the help of others? Even the whole reveal of old man Yoshino (Yoshima?) was something they didn't struggle to pursue, it just happened.
But despite all this, I don't think it's in any need to revise, since it's already entertaining and fun as it is. These would probably fly over the readers' heads anyway.
Though I have to give it to you, the mystery was truly intriguing, and I loved it all the way until the end.
I also liked the reveal of the killer. It's a bit too predictable that I honestly thought 'no it can't be, that's too obvious' and thought Neil was the killer and all the things Andei was telling him were lies to lure him into her trap.
But even though it's predictable, I don't hate it. It's actually the only way I could see this book going to since if you revealed it to be Neil or Ace or any other person close to her, it may have broken your story. So good job on the killer as well!
Stakes:
After some really careful nitpicking, very detailed focusing, and a rather exhilarating character journey through multiple meditation and writing podcasts, I finally found what's been bothering me from the first time I read your book.
Your stakes are too high.
To be more specific, your stakes are too high at the start. You gave your character so much to lose: her family's business, her dignity, the injustice of her parents' and Carl's death. It is too much. If she doesn't get this case solved as quickly as possible and without anyone seeing her secret identity, and doing that in between managing a whole school at the age of seventeen, so many things will be lost, and so many other students may die. And I just found that these stakes were high, yes. A bit excessive, probably. But impossible to go around with? Absolutely not.
It's just that the further we go into the story, the less grip the tension of the stakes has on the book, which is incredibly unfortunate because it should've been the other way around right? Especially with such high stakes. The things that are happening, the scenes, the plot points, it just doesn't give justice to the stakes and to the accuracy of it all.
Take the whole plot point about Ace's game for example, that isn't what we're expecting isn't it? Because you already set high expectations at the start of your book and with the whole premise that this would be about a thriller murder mystery with maybe a bit of YA sprinkled in. So then why are we getting sport games? Plus, this is yet again another blow to the accuracy, don't forget that people are studying there in fear of being the next victim, and many people should've left already. What about the other people in the teams? Won't they lack in members?
You see, cause I find you use multiple YA fiction tropes here, that's generally nothing to be alarmed of. YA can be seen across multiple genres, it could be in fantasy, dark fantasy, slice of life, mystery, coming of age, thriller and many others. But the problem with The Lady Inside is that you used YA High-school tropes. That, yet again, isn't something to generally be alarmed of. You can still use YA High-school tropes in murder mystery right? The problem here is the execution, and the inaccuracy, and the high stakes which these YA High-school tropes would feel out of place in.
I suggest to lower your stakes. More specifically, forget the whole there's been so many murders here in the school thing. Since it seems that all the other dead students weren't really important to the plot anyway. What about the soccer player that died in the first chapter? He's an important part in the plot, so why don't we make him the first murder instead? This way, the sports fest, the baseball games, and the hooting females wouldn't be so out of place and inaccurate with the initial tone of the story.
And for this topic, I have some resources and materials for you to help you in your work. Here we have an article about setting stakes that are too high:
https://www.helpingwritersbecomeauthors.com/why-your-stakes-shouldnt-be-too-high/
I do suggest checking out this writer's podcast (there are free episodes on Player FM) because they go on much deeper detail there. It's (the podcast) called: Helping Writers Become Authors. Writing Excuses is also such an excellent podcast with fun speakers and guests every now and then, their topics are interesting and give out intriguing questions at the end to help you in your writing journey.
Here is an article about the importance of Genre:
https://storygrid.com/importance-of-genre/
If it doesn't open, I will link them instead in the inline comments, or maybe pm them to you.
Pacing:
Your pacing was nice, I didn't particularly feel anything strong about it. It was nice, didn't feel rushed (except for the prologue and first chapter), and didn't feel too slow either. Great job on this one.
Writing:
Your writing is actually pretty neat. I didn't find much if at all mistakes in grammar or spelling, so great job on that! Although that whole paragraph where Andei stated who Ace was (in the first chapter) and regarded with the readers was extremely out of the blue. Since I can see you avoid(ed) 'telling over showing' pretty accurately. But then in this paragraph you made Andei state openly to the readers about her relationship with this Ace person and his looks. It would've been better if you simply stated his looks in the first parts discreetly and scattered it along the place. Though as I read on I find that you normally make Andei describe and state to the readers who the new characters are. I would've just liked it if the whole paragraph on describing Ace would be removed. Since you can't really place it at the first time Ace was introduced, since it was a pretty sentimental scene and we wouldn't want to ruin it with telling over showing.
Plus, I'm sure the readers can catch on in their friendship anyway pretty quickly, so no need to state it openly.
Truly, at first I thought your writing would have problems with pacing, but as I read on it's actually pretty nice. The only thing that had a problem was the prologue, but the rest of the book? Amazing!
The descriptions and dialogues were neat and I could really see it happening in my head. You did great in writing the whole climax, I could really feel the thrill at that moment, and it was honestly beautiful. There were just some parts when you're speaking in English, it's...not very neat. There were multiple grammar mistakes in almost every one and it sort of ruins the moment slightly for me.
The thing you need to watch out for when writing in English is the tenses. There's the past tense, present tense and future tense. I don't think I need to discuss this further since I'm pretty sure this is taught in schools. But I'm going to advice you to read over your entire work again and correct the tenses. You only need to stick to one tense in a single book, it's either present tense or past tense, and once you find it, stick to it. Word choices are also incredibly important to make the English part flow well. The most urgent thing I need to advice you is to fix the note parts in the climax, since it's such an important thing but the grammar sort of ruins it.
And for the screaming parts, It would be better if you'd rather explain it rather than straight up 'KYAAHHH,' this would make your writing look more polished and professional, also makes the readers feel and hear the screams as well.
Dialogue:
Your dialogue was also pretty great. I have nothing against it. And, the dialogue does seem pretty natural most of the time. I also really like this more matured, sort of adult-like tone to Andei, considering all the burden she has at the moment. Although I had to say this, especially about the Prologue. The overuse of 'fudge' and multiple other curse word censors really seems anti-climactic to me, you know? I suggest removing this entirely (if cursing doesn't particularly fit with the character you're portraying) or replace this with an actual curse instead.
Accuracy and originality:
I believe it isn't at all accurate.
Well, if it isn't for the fact that multiple heinous and violent murders had already happened and everything still seems fine.
And shouldn't after the murder of the soccer player, the classes would have already stopped? News anchors will swarm around the school, investigators will investigate the corpse, the students and teachers will be in disarray, the board of directory in the school will be subjugated under extreme stress trying to handle their crumbling reputation and increasing murder cases. At this point, the school should have long since shut down, with the students dropping out out of fear, the school's reputation in shambles, and mourning families begging the police to investigate this further. It would have been a mess.
But instead, guess what? The school is still up and running, and is counting on a seventeen year old student to do the job for them. This also messes with the vibe you want to portray, and it makes you look as if you hold side-characters to sickeningly low regards. Since one moment they'd be a bunch of high-school students having YA romance tropes and then the next they'd be dealing with death and gore.
And though all this may sound unsalvageable, believe me there's still hope.
You started your story in the middle, rather than the start. Things seem to be normal already, the killings and all those things. It would be better if you removed the fact that many students have already died. Make the first chapter's murder the first murder.
Start at the start of the story, the first ever murder case. This way, everything will move and flow correctly and accurately.
As for the originality, I think it's fine. You don't seem to be copying any other franchise, and that's good.
I was also bothered by the way they croon for each pretty boy as if it's same old same old without the deaths since they were pretty much inaccurate. And I think that maybe the reason I feel this repulsed about this is because of the high stakes yet again, and the fact that so many deaths have already happened. Can't you at least make it just one death? Just one would have been enough for the stakes, not to mention Andei already has plenty motivation to keep the plot going.
And then there's also that whole thing about people not recognizing her because of her 'nerd' look? I'm not sure if you just wrote this in a generation where nerds are viewed as losers or anything, but either way it's still pretty inaccurate. I used to not have glasses, but now I do, don't my friends still know it's me? My friend used to wear glasses all the time, but when she removed them, don't I still recognize her?
I suggest giving another word at least, or another disguise to Andei rather than the 'nerd' thing. Maybe have her wear a wig or something, give her a fake scar, maybe give her colored contact lenses. Or maybe you can do things the other way around instead.
Have her Shea persona be the one to disguise. Maybe make her whole identity as the school's new heir a mystery; give her a mask when she's Shea. And then have her be herself when she's on campus. This would fill up with the other people not recognizing her thing pretty well, and it would be accurate and non offensive.
Personal enjoyment:
I enjoyed it, I really did. I also learned a lot from it since I researched some stuff to make this review as accurate as I can make it. I loved that it made me think tremendously hard, it really did. The mysteries were truly mysteries and I really had to be smart and understand your (the authors') motives, the structure of the book, the intention, the mystery and all those other things. It was fun.
Closing comments:
Here's a recap of all the things I talked about:
1. The cover was a bit off, and didn't match at all with the story.
2. The blurb was too vague, and I hoped you put the inciting incident there instead.
3. Put all the unknown POV in the prologue instead of chopping it up in multiple parts. Also I forgot to say this but it would also help if you clear out some things about the POV that would potentially confuse your readers. Like the kidnapped loved ones of the unknown pov and then cutting directly to a girl standing in a graveyard, the readers would ultimately fill in the holes here and probably think the kidnapped loved ones died and this Andei girl is the girl in the unknown POV.
4. Make the soccer guy's death the first death instead one out of many.
5. Basic English grammar.
6. Describing screams instead of straight out writing them as 'KYAAAH.'
Anyway, here are some miscellaneous that I didn't know where to put:
1. I did love Ace and Andei together. As well as Andei's vulnerability for Carl's suicide.
2. In chapter 8, I didn't really understand what Andei was being so shocked or betrayed about. Andei's emotion of shock and betrayedness felt forced and out of the blue. Since yes, she may think this can be pretty valuable information about the killings and her parent's deaths, this doesn't excuse the fact that she seems over the top about it. Also, the emotion conveyed there seemed more of a betrayed emotion rather than shock. It sounded like a cheap way to add tension.
That is all for the critique. I hope this helped you in any way at all and that you take this critique seriously yet not personally. All criticism are for your book's own good and is not an attack on you as a person.
As promised, I will also be promoting your book on several social media accounts in several ways:
✔️ Posted on Instagram
✔️ Posted on Facebook Page
✔️ Posted on Message Board
✔️ Message of Appreciation
✔️ Added to HIDDEN GEMS reading list
✔️ Shared on Literary Lounge (a Discord server for Wattpad writers and avid Wattpad readers.)
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