Chapter Three: Attention-seeker
I haven't spoked with Tasha ever since we had started dating. An entire three years. She never told me why, but you can guess why. It was your fault, just like it was your fault with Chelsea, Molly, and Jessi.
I could never keep friends with you. You always started some argument, some fuss, something to make my night or day completely horrid. You always left me in tears. You made me go home and crawl in a ball.
That because you made accusations that I was cheating on you. Or that Molly's brother, who is not even interested in girls, has a thing for me. Or that Jessi's stepbrother wants to fuck me. I always told you that it isn't like that and then you would go off on me.
***
"Hi!" Molly smiles in joy as I step in her house. Her brother nods before leaving the room. He was always like that, it never really bothered me. He is just an introvert I guess.
"Hi!" I hug her and pull out my phone to let you know that I am at Molly's. Delivered.
Read within a second.
"Enjoy."
Instantly the regret sink in. "Want something to drink?" Molly takes out the coke cola from her fridge, and I give her a slight smile. "Yeah." My eyes drift back to the small word on my screen.
Are you mad? You were fine with me going. When I had asked you, you said sure. Was it because your friends were around, and you didn't want to seem rude in front of them?
"Are you mad?" I type it out and my finger hovers over the send. I need to know, so I send it. I wait.
"Here you go." Molly smiles as she hands me the cold glass. "Thank you." My eyes drift to the screen again. Still no reply. Have you turned off your phone? You have done it before when I have done something wrong, could this be it again?
"Are you okay?" Molly frowns as she watches me. "Yeah, yeah. I am fine." I duck the phone in my pants' pocket, and we start catching up. My attention wasn't entirely focused on Molly. I was worried about you. If you were maybe mad again.
The vibration in my pocket alerts me of your message, and I dive it out.
"No."
You were mad, and I knew this because you would put our silly pet name that we have given to each other after each word, but you didn't do it now. You were curt with me. I know you, and you know it too.
"You are mad. Didn't you want me to come?"
"Are there guys there? Molly likes video calling guys and inviting them over."
I frown at your message. There aren't any guys here, and Molly won't invite guys over. She knows how you will feel about that and how I will feel about it. This is a girl's night.
"No, here aren't any guys."
"Prove it."
You were acting so strange, but I decide to video call you. The phone rings, but you decline the call.
"Answer the phone, then I will prove it."
"Never mind."
You left me dumbstruck and felt the slight fear of you bombing out on me. Why do you always do this?
I decide to ask you just that, and instantly I regret it.
"Why are you acting so weird about me wanting to know if there are guys there? You wouldn't want my friends to have girls over, would you?"
You even sound angry through the text and I feel my heartbeat picking up, my cheeks flushing and I am not sure if this is out of fear or anger. You always did this whenever I am with my friends.
A message follows through after that one.
"Besides, you didn't even show me what you are wearing. Already starting to hide things."
I sigh and turn towards Molly's mirror, snapping a full-length picture, looking at it, deleting it and snapping another one. I stare if for a while, trying to see if there is anything that will anger you with this picture. Or of my outfit.
I am wearing comfortable leggings with a hoodie, something casual and comfy. You wouldn't get angry with me about this outfit, would you?
I send it through to you, and after a while, your response comes through immediately.
"Is that leggings?" My heart drops. Are you going to have a problem with my leggings now? I turn to look at myself in the full-length mirror to see if it maybe shines through, or if my butt is showing too much, but noting.
I look fine.
"Yes?"
"Why the fuck would you wear that? You know how I feel about leggings!"
"It is just leggings, and we aren't going anywhere."
"So, you are just going to show off to Molly's brother?"
Molly grabs my phone and stares at the screen, I feel myself starting to shake. "Please give it back?" I ask and she glares at the phone, starting to type something, only to erase it.
She starts a voice message.
"Hi Ethan, Molly here," I can hear the irritation in her voice, "I don't want you to upset Claire today while she is with me. My brother isn't even here, he is with his boyfriend," She stretches out, "And we are going to have fun. It is a girls night after all."
She hands back my phone with a smile, but I know you and I know this will only upset you more.
I watch my screen, and I see you go offline, leaving the message on read.
"I think you made it worst." I whisper Molly and she shrugs. "At least he will leave you alone now."
I know that I should appreciate her trying to help, but I feel a slight irritation in me when she says that. I would never mess with her relationships, why does she want to mess with mine?
"That is not how we work! He is going to ignore me for now, and when he does decide to talk to me I am never going to hear the end of this." I try to explain, and she sighs, standing up with her glass of cooldrink.
"Claire, I am not going to sit here and allow you to be upset with me for trying to make our girls night fun for once." She looks irritated, and I feel myself getting irritated with you for ruining my friend's night as well as mine.
"I am sorry." I mutter, and I type it out to you too. It doesn't deliver, and I know that you have turned your phone off now.
The rest of the night I did actually enjoy without your constant messaging and nagging. I felt at ease when I didn't think about you and the way you always reacted with me, but that was until later the night when Molly went to bed and I got bored.
I unlocked my phone and see that you have sent over the twenty messages.
"Answer your phone, Claire."
"Claire, I swear if you do not answer this phone within the next few seconds there is going to be a lot of trouble."
"one missed call"
"Claire, I have the right to be angry. You were wrong here. I told you that you should never bring in someone else into this relationship. Now you made Molly send a message to me and that just made things worse."
"one missed call"
I didn't bother to read the rest, and only decided to phone you. You didn't answer on the first try, so I tried again, and once again went to voicemail. I tried again, and this time you did answer.
But you didn't say anything.
"Babe?"
I ask and you hum in irritation.
"I am sorry, my phone was on charge." I explain, "And kind off forgot about it." You just huff and I feel my heart rate picking up again.
"Ethen." I beg slightly and you sigh dramatically.
"What?" I frown, but I try to stay calm. "I am trying to apologise but you are not listening to me." I try again to explain.
"Why now?" I stare at the wall, "Why do you want to apologise now? You should have apologised earlier." But I did. I decide not to say anything. I just keep quiet, allowing you to spew out the words that you want to say to me.
It hurts my feelings, of course it does, but I do not want to make you angry again.
***
That wasn't the first time, Ethen.
You did this every time I went out, to a point that I merely just stayed home 24/7 unless I went out with you. Even then I didn't want to go out, because even then you would start a fight about everything.
***
"Hi!" Jessi grabbed me into a hug and her boyfriend, Levi, bro-hugged you. The two of you leave us girls as we decide to get a few things sorted for the party that we are going to throw at Levi's house.
"What are you wearing?" Jessi laughs, and I shrug. I am wearing jeans, with a jacket and a plain t-shirt below it. My sneakers top off the outfit, but it is definitely not a party outfit.
"Ethen liked it." Jessi frowns and looks down at her amazing outfit. A white frilly crop top with leather pants and knee-high boots to top it off. She looks casual but so pretty. I wish I could wear that, but you would never allow me to.
By ten pm the crowd had gathered and there are quite a few new faces around us. I had gotten in a few drinks, and you were already tipsy too. I danced with the girls, and you didn't want to dance with me.
You said that you weren't in the mood.
Yet, after I was in the bathroom you were dancing with Levi. Throwing your hands in the air and jumping around with a huge smile on your face. I decide not to make a fuss and just went to grab another drink.
I try to open the bottle, but I cannot get it to budge.
"Can I help you?" One of the newer guys smiles at me and reaches for the bottle in my hands. "I'm Christoff by the way." He smiles again and I smile back. "Hi, I am Claire." He hands me the bottle back and I turn around.
You're standing in the door with your arms crossed.
"Who is that?" You deadpan and I frown, looking back at where Christoff had left to.
"I don't know." I answer truthfully and you step closer. "He just helped me." I point to the bottle, and you grab it from me.
"I think you have had enough to drink. You are starting to flirt with the guys here." What? "I don't want to get mad at you tonight, okay? So just be a good girl and do as you are told. Go sit with Jessi or something."
You leave the room and I slack my shoulders. What the hell?
I go back to Jessi who is seated on the bench outside, and she frowns at my empty hands. "Where is your drink?" She asks and I shake my head, "Just not in the mood for more drinks."
Lie. You told me to stop, but I won't tell Jessi that, because then I am dragging her into our relationship.
"Taste this one." She hands me her bottle and I decide to try it, it is just one sip. "Wow, it tastes good." Just as I hand the bottle back to her, you step out with Levi and gives me death glare.
You walk up to me and pull me up from the seat. I give Jessi an apologetic look as you drag me inside. I try to peel off your fingers. You were gripping too hard again.
"What did I tell you?" You grit out and I swallow. "It was only a sip." I whisper, looking around to make sure no one notices your sudden change in mood. "I told you no more drinking. You are becoming attention seeking and it is driving me fucking crazy."
Your spit went into my face, and I pulled away slightly. I never saw you this angry before, and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. The tears are pressing against the back of my eyeballs, and I feel like throwing up.
After rinsing my face, I leave the bathroom...only to see you dancing up against another girl. I don't know her; she must be part of the new people that arrived to the party. I feel sick to my stomach again and any form of tipsiness that I had, has vanished.
I feel betrayed and disappointed because you were just cussing me out and calling me out for being an attention seeker when you are doing exactly of what you had accused me of doing.
***
Of course, Ethen, that is the way it always was.
You accused me of things that I would never even risk, because when I had risked it I had lost Michael. You were the one doing those things – searching for attention, being easy, desperate.
I never saw it then, because I thought that I had won the jack pot with you. You were the cool guy, the football player, the quarterback. I was the new girl, the shy girl, the quiet girl.
I have to feel lucky to have you because you could have anyone else.
Why didn't you just take anyone else?
***
I never said anything to you about what I had saw when we went back home after the party.
I still felt deeply hurt by you, but you were too drunk to even focus on getting undressed and dressed again.
"Come here, baby." You slurred, grabbing for my chest, but I stop you gently and pull the shirt of your back. "Oh, I see. You want to take control." You slur again, almost toppling over when I try to get you out of your jeans.
"No, we are going to bed." I whisper, not wanting to wake up my parents. I wish I had my own apartment or something.
"Whyy?" You whine and as soon as your head hits the pillow I could hear light snoring.
"That is why."