the other day (Friday) at my pharmacy job, I was switching out a twenty dollar bill with a 4 five dollar bills so I could close the cash register up front for night. as I shifted the cash around, I saw a little shine come from the bottom of the drawer. digging through the miscellaneous items in the drawer, I pulled out a silver ring. it was a square shaped ring with a circle diamond in the middle, then little diamonds on each curve of the ring. it's obvious it was fake diamond, and it was a little bent at the bottom of the curve, but when I saw it I loved it. this.. is pretty much the exact kind of ring I want when I get married, this is the kind of ring I want to see in the little velvet box as the love of my live bends down on one knee and asks me to be at his side forever, the ring I'll pass down to my daughter when I die, and she'll give it to her daughter- my granddaughter- and say "this is grandma's wedding ring, so in love with your grandpa that this ring is the ultimate bond for a life partner.. which is exactly why I want you to have it.. and hopefully you'll find someone like she did."
I asked my coworker if the ring belonged to someone who worked there, they said no and that the ring had been there for weeks already and no one has claimed it yet so it's pretty much up for grabs. I slipped it into my front jean pocket and carried on with the cash to close up front.
now tonight, I just got home from a long day of work and speech. work was fine, just had because all the kids were absolute monsters.. and now that I'm 18 I mostly work on my own in my own classroom with 15 or more kids at once. it's really draining, but I don't mind it that much. plus.. the kids say I'm their favorite teacher, which makes the hard long days worth it. I let everyone watch Encanto last Thursday, amazing movie.. totally recommend, and we all sang and danced to it. it was pretty much a perfect ending to the week since we were snowed in on Friday with no school.. and I could just tell that I was the kind of teacher they talked about at home to their parents.. hopefully in a good way lol. speech wasn't all that bad either, but I was there from 12-7pm. my first practice was at 12-1:30pm, then the next at 5-7pm. perfect time to go home for a 3 1/2 hour break, which normally I would've done.. but my mom and I aren't on great terms right now so.. I chose to stay there. I just sat and was on my phone and posted one of my friends for her birthday (which a lot of guys swiped up on and told me I had a great piece of ass, totally offensive but.. they aren't wrong ;) I am indeed a baddie), checked up on canvas to make sure my grades were still good and whatnot. then I had my second practice which felt like it dragged and I was just ready to go home..
7pm came around and I left. drove home, which felt like it took ages just to get home. I've also developed a new hate for driving. I've hated it all along but now I just can't stand it and do everything I can to not be the one who drives. anyway, I get home and I start to do some stuff to get ready for the school week. I plug in my iPad, I pack my workout bag to go to planet fitness after school like I do every day now.. , I put acne patches and a pore strip on my face, get out my hair rollers and leave in conditioners so I don't use heat on my hair (which I haven't done yet but plan on it when I'm done writing this :D), straighten up my bathroom from taking a shower and getting ready this morning, change from my sweater and leggings into my over sized speech hoodie-no bra-no underwear- and my sherpa Iowa state pajama shorts from target, then finally.. I go upstairs and begin to do my laundry for the week.
I begin to empty out my pockets in all my pants. I see my Tommy Hilfiger jeans resting on the floor, the ones I wore on Thursday for the first time since I wore them for my senior pictures in the fall. I shake them out and begin to check the pockets..
..the ring.
ha.. I kind of forgot I took that.
I put it in my shorts pocket and finished laundry. then I went downstairs.. and I was staring at the ring. I was admiring it and how I hope I get one, a real one, when im proposed to like this one im holding. I fiddled with it in between my fingers until I placed it on my ring finger on my left hand.. just to see what it would look like.. to see what it would look like for me to be happily married. as I held my hand out.. instantly a flash of memory came rushing behind my eyes and I could see it clearer than ever.
"Bub! Bub!!Look!"
He walks over to me, placing his hand on my lower back, "Yes, my love?"
I hover over the display window filled with excitement, enough to where my breathed and finger print were leaving smudges all over the clean, pristine glass. "Look at these rings with me."
He did. He gazed at them, not as interested as I was, but enough to make me happy. We both scanned over them, watching them sparkle in the bright light shining over them.. until my eyes fixed onto a specific ring, one that to me stood out from all the rest. beautifully it sat on the felt display finger.. a square shaped, circle diamond ring.. but, it was in gold. I took in the biggest breath, swatting at his side saying "BUB!! LOOK! that one right there! that is my EXACT dream ring. it has everything I love. the shape, the diamond. it's literally perfect! I've never been able to find the exact one but this is it.. well, all of that, except it's in gold.. but I'm sure they'd have a silver one in the back."
he turned to me. "why don't we ask?"
my head snapped to him, almost as if I just remembered he cheated on me in my dream last night "WHAT?! no.. I mean.. what?"
"Yeah, and then you could try it on." underneath his black isu mask I saw his smile grow.. mine did as well under the same mask... as did my heart beat in speed.
"but.. can you even do that? would they even let us?"
he grabbed my hand, "C'mon, lets go find out." and pulled me around the window to the open entrance of the jewelry store where a woman- prolly in her mid 30s- stood behind the counter.
"Hi." he said, getting her attention. "She'd like to try on one of the rings in the display window over here."
my heart was beating so uncontrollably that it pounded through my ears. I could hear the conversation between them, but I was gone instead. so much flowing through my brain at the moment that I couldn't function right. I almost felt embarrassed.. but realized it was just me being so giddy I couldn't contain myself and got all shy and bashful.
"Of course." she said kindly and a smile, seeing as my excitement is very noticeable. she had me show her which one, then we asked for one in silver since that's the kind of jewelry base I prefer. sadly, there wasn't one in my size that was silver, but when she handed over the ring in gold I felt like I had to treat it as if it were a new born. I held it in my hand carefully, and looked up to realize that both my boyfriend and the woman were looking at me.
"aren't you going to try it on..?" he said.
realizing that's what they were looking at me impatiently for, I slid the ring onto my ring finger on my left hand. admiring the ring as if I had just said yes. I felt tears attempt to swell in my eyes but I tried everything in my power to choke them down.. it's not like I was actually being proposed to yet.. but him wanting to see me try on my dream ring made him even more of an irresistible choice of a future husband to me..
the rest of my time looking at the ring on my finger was a blur. I saw him smiling at me, the woman too, and could tell my face was beat red. I wanted to take the ring home and keep it safe until the day I said "I do". this moment.. shared with the boy I really do love, my guy.. the only guy I've ever seen myself being able to marry.. just filled me with a joy I could never experience again.. not until I got to walk down the aisle to marry him. in the church in gilbertville we picked out as a middle ground since we both technically belong to separate parishes, I walk down in a fitted yet princess style and laced with flowers and butterflies white dress, holding a bouquet of sunflowers and white roses, my hair curled and pinned up perfectly and landing on my open lower back elegantly while my sparkling vail draped behind me. he's sees me for the first time and I watch as his face goes red, ears too.. thats how you know he's nervous. his crystal blue mesmerizing eyes begin to shimmer as he tears up.. but he won't shed a tear, his ego won't let him and that's okay.. I know he loves me. he doesn't have to cry for me to see it. I grin as his parents watch me stride, this was us ultimately proving them wrong about us.. and seeing how happy his son was to watch his bride walk down to love him unconditionally was enough to make them realize that.. I'm the girl they can accept.. even If it took us growing into adulthood for them to see it. and then my best friends and family crying over how beautifully I'll look, seeing the genuine product of a girl truly in love and might never be able to fall out of it.. it'll be the happiest day of our lives because we made it.. we always knew we would, even with all the shitty things we've been through, even when everyone thought we never would.. even when it felt like it was over.. we promised.. he promised.
"so would this ring be.. the one?" the woman asked with a slightly playful tone.
I looked at him, giving a small chuckle.. not quite knowing what to say as we're only 17/18, and weren't planning on getting married soon and this really was just for fun.. not to actually pick a potential wedding ring.. so we both felt a little embarrassed until she said..
"well.. it's just that I haven't seen your smile leave your face since you've walked in here." her tone still playful as she smiles at both of us.
I finally decide to respond with, "well.. I'm hoping anyway." she nods with me and seems to have enjoyed watching us as a couple try on a ring that could possibly be.. 'the one'. I guess she could tell we were in love. or.. maybe she just wanted our money but I didn't really see it that way.
finally, I gave the ring back and told the woman that we'd definitely be looking on their website for the price for.. future reference *wink wink*.
we began to walk away saying our goodbyes to the woman. his arm snakes around my waist as he pulls me closer to him. "that.. was the cutest thing I've ever seen.. ever."
"really?" I blush.
"I love you.. so so much. and seeing how happy that just made you made me love you even more. she was right.. that smile never left your face."
"I love you too."
all I could think.. was that I was the luckiest girl in the world.. I found my soulmate, my high school sweetheart.. and I was never.. ever going to let this boy go. I was going to love him harder, stronger, more passionately that any girl could ever offer him.. my only competition would be his mom and god.. even then.. I will take first place. I guarantee. because this boy makes me so happy.. happier than I've ever been in my lifetime, although I'm young.. I want to live as if every day is my last, and I'd want to spend my dying minutes with him because even if the world were to cave him his arms would keep me safe, they always have.. he made me so happy, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life making him feel the same way..
my phone goes off, a snapchat notification, buzzes against my bed and I'm pulled from my mind. I realize I had been standing at the foot of my bed for a while now that the place of my feet is warm. I come to my senses, feeling the cold temperature of the basement and my bare legs grow goosebumps.. seeing as the ring from the pharmacy is still placed on my ring finger.. on my left hand. I slide it off.. beginning to feel the sadness flooding through my heart. as the reality sinks in that.. that's not my life anymore. no boyfriend.. no talking about a future wedding, no parents to prove wrong, no gilbertville middle ground church, no sunflowers and white roses, no perfect silver square shaped circle diamond ring that had the bond of a life partner.. nothing. I'm all alone, single, sad, guilty, regretful.. if I were living today like it was my last.. I'd say unhappily and unfulfilled. I'd die.. a coward for not at least.. trying again.. trying even if it meant I got a slap in the face but didn't have to stay awake at night wondering maybe.. just maybe.. that there was even the slightest chance.. we could try again..
I sunk into my bed, placing the ring into one of the little wooden jewelry dishes on my window ledge. I thought of how.. I feel like I've made a huge mistake.. I've made.. a lot of mistakes.. so many things I've said that I can't take back and kissed too many guys hoping they'd make me feel like how it was before and writing too many depressing love stories that just make it obvious im not over the one guy who made me feel like I had the world given to me but I refuse to admit it and how I think too much about trying to fix it all and be a better girlfriend this time and have my life partner, my soulmate, my high school sweetheart back and I think too much about telling him how sorry I am that I drove him away and made him fall out of love with me and tell him just how I could make up for it in so many ways he couldn't imagine because it was endless.. if he'd just let me..
but.. I sink further in my bed.. realize I'm only hurting myself, only making it harder for me to be with someone new.. making it harder to just throw the past away and have a new vision of a new husband.. I am stronger than this, I'm better than this.. but the temptation still lies beneath the surface and a I have to find more motivation to push it down.
family hates me.
he hates me.
second best.
never enough.
out of love.
he can't commit.
lonely.
hurts too much.
cried too much.
family hates me.
never enough.
too old.
girl named a.
sister hates me.
kissed the guy after two weeks.
gave him my journals.
apathetic.
he didn't cry.
his 19th birthday.
not serious enough.
sex.
joke tinder profile.
Ashton.
Nolan.
Ross.
girl named a.
Mai.
sadies.
girls at the isle.
sisters hate me.
friends hate me.
Naomi.
my family would be so mad.
college experience.
desperate.
only hurting yourself.
sex.
3rd time won't work.
he was going to do it over the phone.
disappointed in me.
dodged a bullet.
my eyes only.
the lube.
47 calls.
he fell out of love.
not meant to be.
never wants to speak to me again.
family hates me.
secret weekends.
girl named a.
fake.. girl named a.
secret relationship.
sister hates me.
6 minutes.
sex.
trazodone.
long distance.
college.
purple leggings with pockets.
he lied about the sweatpants.
target parking lot.
Bubbles.
can't do this anymore.
brought her ice cream.
friends hate me.
they won.
we lost.
no wedding.
his dad threatened him.
18 now.
it takes two.
my life.
.
.
.
get..
over..
him..
*Bum bum.. bum bum*
my head whipped over to my phone.. the heartbeat vibration tone..
that's.. noah's text tone.. I know it because the heartbeat vibration I assigned to him because he .. well he was my heart.. and.. I guess I never changed it since we've broken up. my body washed over with a cold fear and rib crushing anxiety. I inched closer to my phone.. wondering... did I just manifest a text from noah..?
I flipped my phone over so the screen would face me, and as it lit up.. It was just snap chat. two random snaps sent at the same time and a guy I met at ncyc named Michael was typing and then sent a message on snap.. it all happening at the same time must've made it seem like it was noah texting me..
but, turns out it wasn't him after all..
I just sit here.. and imagine if it were.
wishful thinking.