It has been three days and Seonghwa is still in the hospital. He looks a bit healthy now but not as good as before. He hasn't remembered a single thing. No matter how many times I talk to him he replies to me very plainly. No matter what I do I'm still a stranger to him. The guilty is eating me up alive.
I want to apologize to him but from where to start. He doesn't even remember the cause and I felt too ashamed to remind him all that again.
What will I say? Should I be like,
'Hey Seonghwa it was because of me you got into an accident. If it weren't for my anger and the way I hurt you, the way I pushed you away, you wouldn't be here right now. And I also kicked you out of my house and made you cry. And I did it all because of what? I too don't know that. I don't know why I insulted you like that. I still can't figure it out.'
Yeah it's true I still haven't seemed to understand why I did that. I want to ask someone but I'm afraid to even say it out loud.
I'm afraid to say what I'm feeling. And lately everyone is talking to me but they haven't seemed to forgive me. And it's valid this time, it's all I've bought upon myself. If only I wasn't a coward like this and tried to understand my feelings maybe the situation would have been much better.
But right now I've another problem in front of me. Wooyoung and Mingi have come to visit Seonghwa and Minho's shift has ended. So now Wooyoung and Minho are fighting over who will get the first pancake Seonghwa makes after recovery. I don't know why Minho likes to provoke them both, but it always ends up with Wooyoung, Mingi and him in an argument.
"No, I'll have it. I'm Hyung's favourite," Wooyoung shouted.
"Haahaaa, he has forgotten about you so now you ain't his favourite. I'm the only one he knows, so I'll get it," Minho shouted back, making the other sulk.
"Hyung, you are grown up please don't fight like this," Mingi told them. "because I'll have it before you two," he added.
" No way, you won't. I'm Hyung's favourite. I'll have it no matter what," Wooyoung shouted again.
" You both aren't in the list. I was the one who got tortured by this burnt toast and uncooked spaghetti before. So now I'll have it first," Minho argued.
"Three of you shut up or I swear I'll throw you out of here," Hongjoong threat which goes unnoticed by others or they simply ignore him and the argument continue.
" SHUT UP YOU ALL," Seonghwa shouted, making them silent for a second. " I won't make anything for you three. You are banned from eating my dishes. I swear to god you three act like hyena. What are you? Five? You fight over food. Huh?," Seonghwa scolded them.
"Sorry," Mingi and Wooyoung said in unison.
"Darling I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset you," Minho says, moving towards Seonghwa and gently kissing his forehead. " I'll take my leave, you enjoy your time and you can call me if anything happens. I'll run some tests tomorrow and if they are fine you can go home," Minho says, cupping Seonghwa's face then again kissing his forehead before walking away.
Hongjoong sat there with a heavy feeling in his heart. His heart tells him to run away and cry in some corner. He doesn't like the way Minho looks at Seonghwa or the way Minho kisses him. He doesn't like the way Seonghwa chuckles and smiles whenever Minho is around.
He didn't like it at all but why is he feeling like this? He tried to stop all these feelings but they didn't fade away, they didn't stop. He can't stop them.
So if he accepts them, will it be fine or is it too late to accept them? Will the others forgive him? Will Seonghwa forgive him if he tells him his true feelings? Are these feelings even normal to feel? These thoughts occupied Hongjoong's mind, making him question himself more and more.
The rest of the day went by Yunho and Yeosang visiting Seonghwa and telling him about their day and making him smile somehow.
At night Leez and Eden volunteer to stay with Seonghwa not before arguing with Hongjoong who doesn't want to leave Seonghwa. Eden and Leez were suspicious about his concern, the way he was so desperate to stay and the way he looked in Seonghwa's eyes or the way hurt flash on his face when he lost and couldn't stay. It all shows something more than guilt; longing.
They can see longing in his eyes, they both pity him. They know that Hongjoong can be dumb sometimes, he doesn't understand his feelings. And this time he messed up big, they wanted to talk to him. comfort him and want to make him understand but maybe this time he should understand his feelings himself. He should be the one to understand what he is feeling towards Seonghwa.
The next morning came and Hongjoong made his way to Seonghwa's room. Today Seonghwa would be discharged to go home and Hongjoong want to take him back. He wants Seonghwa to be home again, a place which doesn't feel like home now.
Leez, Eden, Hongjoong and Wooyoung stand outside the room waiting for Minho to complete whatever tests he was running.
Soon the wait was over and Minho came into view with a huge smile," Hwa is perfectly fine only his ankle hurts but he's ready to go home." He told the others who smiled back.
"So, I'll take him home. You all can come with me," he continue making Hongjoong eyes wide.
"Wait, why would he go with you?," Hongjoong questions.
"Because I'm his friend and he didn't have the place to stay and he had lost his memory. So he will stay with me till the time being," Minho says back.
"No he won't. He used to live with me and he's going to live with me again. That house is his home too," Hongjoong argued.
"Your idiot ass kicked him out of that house and now you want him to go there again. Are you really that heartless? What do you want, you monster?," Wooyoung interrupted, making everyone go silent.
Hongjoong was shocked to hear that Wooyoung thinks of him as a monster.
I deserve it. I also called Seonghwa like this. It hurts to be called like this. Maybe Seonghwa must have felt like this too. I deserve all this, he thought.
"Wooyoung, control your tongue. He's your Hyung," Leez says, making Wooyoung roll his eyes.
" Yeah hyung, HE'S MY HYUNG. AND I'M ASHAMED TO EVEN SAY IT," Wooyoung shouted.
The other looked at Hongjoong who had his head hung low. His eyes are full of tears and he doesn't want anyone to see it.
He deserves everything Wooyoung told him. He deserves the insult they all throw at him.
And it hurts, maybe it's his karma. He hurted Seonghwa like this, it's his karma. These thoughts keep on repeating in Hongjoong's mind.
"DO YOU FELT HURT? THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE WHEN YOU INSULT SOMEONE AND YOU DID IT TO SEONGHWA HYUNG.
AND YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM GO BACK TO YOU. SO YOU CAN HURT HIM AGAIN. DO YOU EVEN HAVE FEELING. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO LOVE SOMEONE.
YOU ATTITUDE IS THE BIGGEST PROBLEM AND THE DUMB MIND THAT DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO UNDERSTAND FEELING IS NO BETTER," he shouted again making few tears roll down Hongjoong's cheeks but his low head makes it hard for anyone to notice.
And Wooyoung didn't stop here he continued, "You wanna know why anyone doesn't love you, why anyone doesn't want to be your friend because of your damn attitude.
We don't want to see you here daily. It's annoying and the way you act like everything is alright is more annoying. The way you still show us your sassy attitude makes me want to leave you. Your attitude is the reason why they all leave you. You are the problem. And maybe that's why your parents leave you. You are the reason they left. They were sick of your attitude. They didn't want you."
Leez and Eden gasp to hear the youngest, Minho too have his eyes wide in surprise.
No matter how much Hongjoong hurted Seonghwa, he still doesn't deserve to be reminded the past he wants to forget.
What do they think haven't Hongjoong ever thought about all these. These thoughts were his old enemy.
Hongjoong have always thought that he was the reason his parents left. He was a mistake that his family shattered. As an older son he wasn't there to protect his family.
He has hurt himself enough with these thoughts. He has cried enough with these thoughts. These thoughts were the one Hongjoong never want to tease.
"Wooyoung, why would you say that?" Eden said sternly.
He and Leez know about these thoughts and the effect they have on Hongjoong.
"I wasn't wrong. I only hurt him like he hurt Seonghwa hyung," Wooyoung defended himself.
"Wooyoung shut up for now. You can't hurt someone like this," Minho glaring at him, making Wooyoung look down.
"Hyung? Why?" says the new voice from the corner. They all turn to see Jongho standing there with tears in his eyes.
Wooyoung does not know that Jongho might be there to listen to it too. He didn't want Jongho to listen to all this, he didn't want to hurt the younger ones like this. Seeing those tears, a wave of guilt hit Wooyoung.
"Jongho what are you doing here?" Leez asks but he never gets the answer.
A sudden pain rushed to Hongjoong's chest. Soon everything around him starts to get blurry, he can't hear anyone. The sound near him became meaningless. His breath became unsteady and he felt himself being choked. He lost his balance and fell down.
"Hyung," Jongho shouted, seeing the state of his brother. He knows about the panic attack the older gets every time his past is triggered.
The others panic too seeing his state. Till now Hongjoong was sweating profusely, his breath still unsteady and he was trembling more like shaking.
"Move, he's having an attack, let me see," Minho shouted, moving closer to Hongjoong.
"No, stay away. He will feel more scared around anyone else. It will only trigger his attack more. Let Jongho do it, he's the only one who can go near Hongjoong in this state," Eden told Minho.
Wooyoung stood there, tears falling down, he felt scared. He didn't mean to trigger any bad memories, he just wanted to hurt him a little. But seeing his condition, he felt scared. The tears don't stop and Leez quickly pulls him into a hug telling him that the latter will be ok.
Jongho quickly kneeled down and pulled his brother into a hug, Hongjoong tried to pull him away but the younger one was stronger.
"Hyung, it's alright. Nothing is your fault, you've me with you right. We promise to stay together right.
I'll never leave you I promise. Nothing was your fault hyung. You did nothing wrong. You have me, hyung.
It wasn't your fault. You were never wrong. We promise to make it out together right? We are doing great till now. We are together right. I'll stay by your side, hyung.
Please don't blame yourself. Please hyung," Jongho comforts him as he rocks him and creases his hair.
Soon the trembling is quite down and now his breath also starts to be stable. The numbness in his hands was becoming normal slowly. He can now see his surroundings and Jongho's voice was clearly heard. He knows the younger one was rocking him but his mind asks only one question. Does he deserve all this kindness?
His eyes are red and a bit puffy, his cheeks show the tail of dried tears, his nose and ears gone pink and his throat hurts. But somehow a small raspy voice was heard.
"I'm sorry, I know it's all my fault. I'm sorry I beg you. Please forgive me. I know everything is my fault but please forgive me."
These words hurt the heart of all of them. He is a human, born to make mistakes. He too deserves a second chance.
"Hyung, what are you saying? Nothing is your fault. Please don't blame yourself," Jongho said but the man in his arms doesn't hear it.
"Hyung, hyung, open your eyes. Hyung what happened," Jongho now panicked.
His brother was in his arms and he wasn't replying. The hospital. Lifeless body. Not getting a reply.
"No, no hyung. Don't leave me like this. Hyung say something. Talk to me please. Hyung please don't do this to me," Jongho's fear was causing him to panic more and more. He was a crying mess.
Minho quickly pull Hongjoong to check up on him. On the other hand Eden pulls Jongho into a hug to calm him but the younger keeps on shouting for his hyung to wake up.
Hongjoong was now lying on the bed, some tubes connected to him. Jongho sat near him on the chair. His hand holding his brother's and his head rested on older's bed.
Hongjoong fainted from the attack earlier. Emotions took a troll on both the brothers.
And Wooyoung was no better. Now everyone was here and he was crying his eyes out. He got scolded from Eden and Minho and he hasn't stopped crying from then on.
Seonghwa, who witnessed everything but couldn't move because of his ankle can't let him, was worried. He wants to hug Hongjoong and tell him that everything is fine and nothing was his fault but he can't.
First the plan he was forced to do is still going and Second he was afraid, afraid how to face his ex boss.
So he sat there waiting for Hongjoong to wake up so his mind could be at ease.
Hello beautiful people 😀
What do you think of this chapter?
Please be kind to yourself and to others, you never know what they are going through ❤️❤️
Byee byee~
Date: 12 November 2021