Akane-
The king was punishing me. I knew this was eventually going to happen if I continued being around Akari.
I couldn't help but fall for Akari. She had been so alluring and kind that I couldn't resist trying to become closer to her. We had been together for two months, and in that time, we had grown closer to each other. I felt happier than I could remember ever feeling. I don't deserve her, but she still stays with me. The king may have control over me, but Akari could do as she pleased, which was just enough for me to remain in confidence. I couldn't fathom what the princess had seen in me but I was grateful all the same. When Akari walked into a room it was like the whole room filled with a light that had been missing before.
The two of us had been stealing kisses and sneaking around the palace grounds like children for two months, and it made me feel that I had been missing something most of my life. How had I lived without her for so long. Her touch was so soft and gentle. I could feel the love pouring out of her with every kiss. Her lips were sweet like honey and made me want more after every taste. I hated seeing Akari hurt and in pain but it had happened so many times I had grown accustomed to it just like every other pain on a long list of torture.
I had simply kissed the cuts and bruises on Akari's soft baby skin and ran my fingers through her golden hair until she calmed herself. This pain was the worst I had ever felt. Even when I was whipped countless times and bled until I passed out, nothing compared to the feeling of seeing Akari in pain and the tears spilling from her golden eyes. I would kill anyone who made her cry.
Anyone.
It was more than I had bargained for but I still loved Akari all the same. I couldn't pick and choose what to love about Akari so I would love her for the person she was, shadows and all. I itched to know what Akari thought and why she was the way she was but I could never bring myself to ask.
Instead I only gazed at Akari and let her tell me how her day had been, about her nightmares and dreams, about the things she feared and loved. Spending time with Akari was like having a blanket of sunshine and warmth draped over me. And for just a moment I felt at peace. Like if i died here i wouldn't mind and everything would be okay.
∼•∼
I could feel the cold replace the warmth in me as Akari was yanked out of the war room kicking and screaming. She had tears streaming down her face and her arms were bleeding through her freshly changed bandages where the soldiers gripped her.
"Akane, don't give in!" Akari screamed my name with tears streaming down her face. And just like that she was gone.
I felt myself tensing and hardening into the cold person I was when Akari wasn't around. What did she mean about that?
The smile left my face and I turned to face the king. I wanted nothing more than to rip the skin of his bones and hear his cries for mercy. And the empty apologies he would give. I would offer him mercy and rip it away. Watching the life drain from his evil eyes would be the most fulfilling sight I would ever behold.
"Please excuse me, your majesty," I said calmly, bowing to the king and silently leaving the room. I didn't give him any time to nod or allow me to leave. In two days I would go to Morell with General Hano and I would have to say goodbye to Akari. The thought left an ache in my lungs and the air left them for a minute.
Deep down I knew it wouldn't last and Akari was to be married off to the bastard prince of Oznea. I can enjoy her while she lasts at least. I was running the moment I left the king's sight. She was bleeding, I couldn't leave her alone. The feeling of desperation was so overwhelming I couldn't think straight and my steps faltered the further I ran. The panic in my lungs pooled into the rest of me and I could feel myself drowning in what felt like loss and pain. I can't lose her too. I felt a strong hand on my torso stopping me in my tracks.
They wore strange black gloves "Woah woah slow down your gonna poke someones eye out with that scythe" this voice was a man's voice but it wasn't Sunaro. From the corner of my eye I could see dark red hair, it was messy and disheveled on top of slightly lighter tanned skin and a very strong jaw line. I already didn't like him.
Prying myself away from his grip I could get a better look at him. "Kaen?!" I said through pants. "Yeah it's me, why are you running like your life depends on it?" his face was confused and he squinted his red-brown eyes at me while he adjusted his gloves. Blood that ran down her arms where the soldiers were holding her.
I could feel the blood pouring down her arms and what it felt like, what it smelled like, it drew me in and in that moment I wanted nothing more than to use my curse and wipe it away from Akari's arms. It had been so long since I used my ki and I felt like I was crawling in my skin. I itched to use it and the feeling of insanity grew more powerful each day I resisted. I would only use it on myself. That is the vow I made to myself.
"Well?" his voice was back and I was on the brink of shoving the blade i held up his ass. "I'm going to my quarters to freshen up if you must know" I lied. He looked at me suspiciously and I knew he knew I was lying. Just let me get away with it just this once please, I need to see Akari. I was sweating now. I could feel it dripping from my hands and damping on my face.
"Hey are you ok?" Kaen had stopped fidgeting with his gloves now and was looking directly at me. "You're sweating" he reached out to touch me but hesitated and drew his hand back. He clutched his hands to his chest. The gloves squeaked next to each other. His face looked pained and he looked away from me. I looked at the floor in shame. Of course he won't touch me. I'm "tainted". I expected as much.
"Ugh this job is going to be such a drag" I mumbled under breath. The moment I was alone, I was running again. Kaen had slipped away from me and I was alone once again. The door to Akari's room grew closer and closer. The sound of squeaking gloves lay fresh in my mind and the face Kaen made when he pulled away from me was surprisingly hurtful. Many people had been disgusted by me and I had never been a problem but the look he gave me was painful. I hated him more than ever now.
Standing outside Akari's room stood guards outside a closed door and she was just on the other side of the door. "This is the crown princess's room, please state your identity, and reason for arrival" the guard said. I was so close to her and considered skinning these guards alive for keeping Akari from me. I fiddled with the necklace dangling from my neck. It was a tempting thought.
The ridges of the small bone fragment felt rough against the tip of my finger and I could feel the weight of the necklace in my hand. For years I had this piece of jewelry but couldn't recall where I had gotten it. The memory was all fuzzy in my head. For as long as I could remember I had this necklace around my neck and felt the warmth it gave me. For years I had felt as though it granted me safety and it stayed with me for all these years when people didn't.
I had one day left before I was sent to Morell. What if I didn't return? What would Akari think if I never returned. I have to see her before I go. I dropped the bone shard and it fell back onto my neck in the spot it always sat. I gripped Canaria and could feel the blood running through the guards veins. Every drop seemed to call out to me. Tempting me with the promise of sweet relief.
I yearned to use it. The voices would subside and I could finally be rid of them. It was a cruel curse and I knew I couldn't use it. No one deserves to have their own blood turned against them.
"I'm here to see the princess before I leave for my job in Morell" I slid her finger down the blade of the scythe in my hand and looked at the guards with a chilling stare as the blood trailed down my finger and dripped to the floor with a satisfying plop. Their stone cold faces broke for a split second.
I dropped the scythe. Canaria clattered to the ground. The absence of the scythe in my hand felt more alone than I could put into words. But maybe I was always designed to be alone. Through all the years I had lived I had lost and killed and always ended up alone. I was all Akari had and I was going to leave her. I knew how it had felt to be abandoned and I hated what I was doing to Akari when she so clearly needed me.
I made my way through the doors once the guards opened them. leaving Canaria on the floor behind me. The distance between me and the scythe grew larger and I could feel the distance from every step I took. Akari was in the corner of the room surrounded by stuffed animals and dolls. Her face was stained with tears and she looked up at me with those golden eyes full of tears and her face scrunched up.
A piece of my soul fell away at the sight of Akari in pain. And it was because of me. The bandages were off and lying on the floor and her arms were still bleeding all over the stuffed animals surrounding her. The room was well lit and she still looked ethereal even in her current state.
"You're going to leave me," Akari said. Her voice was smooth and it cracked a bit when I crouched down to touch her. "Please don't leave me" she whimpered, her hand was wrapped around my shirt now and she looked at the floor. Akari looked scared.
"Hey, I'll be back sooner than you think. And then we can have all the tea parties you want, and go on walks around the castle barefoot just like you love to do. Ok?" Akari's face lightened a bit and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I could feel the blood on Akari's arms seep into my clothes and the warmth they gave me. I felt the power deep inside calling to me like the voices did when I slept. I remembered all their faces and how the blood felt on my skin when I took their lives.
I pried Akari off of me and took her face into my hands. Sunlit eyes looked back at me and I could feel the cold and empty vanish with the dark thoughts as I looked back at the girl sitting on the floor with me. Here in this moment everything felt right. Akari felt right. I couldn't help it.
It leaned close to her and kissed her. She was warm and her lips were salty with her tears, they felt soft against mine. She kissed me back and we stayed like that for a while until I noticed her eyes fluttering and her eyelashes tickling mine. She was still bleeding. I pulled away and she leaned into me wanting more. Grabbing her arms, I led Akari to the washroom and sat her down.
"Daddy said I'm going to have to marry a man from another kingdom to make peace for Ryujin" Akari's sunlit eyes faded and she looked sad. "I don't want to marry a man. I'm only nineteen. I should be able to have the freedom I want" she said, scrunching up her nose and pouting. She sounded like a child throwing a fit because she didn't get the toy she wanted but it was cute in a way that made me want to laugh and pull Akari close again. Instead I avoided the subject entirely.
"Let's get you cleaned up ok" I cleaned up the cuts on her arms and neck. She gently rubbed ointment on them. bandaging them up in clean bandages. I had learned to do this as a child and I was very skilled in taking care of others but I never felt the need to do it for myself. Akari just sat there staring at her arms and back at me.
"I just want you" Akari looked up at me and she spoke in a soft quiet tone while she took my wrist in her soft hands. I sat down beside Akari and stroked her golden brown hair. She looked so delicate like this and it felt like if I touched her any less gently than I was right now she would shatter into a thousand pieces. "I only want you too," I said, still untangling the knots in Akari's hair. I felt too warm and fuzzy when I was around Akari. It was dangerous.
Like the sun itself was wrapping me in a big hug. Akari was a year older than me but it felt as though I had to protect her from all the bad in the world. It was impossible to understand how Akari was the king's daughter. They were so different and I knew that when Akari became queen she would be a queen of change and then maybe Ryujin would have a chance.
Akari needed to become queen and because of that I couldn't let my feelings get in the way of saving millions of people from starvation and the corruption that ran deep throughout Ryujin because of the king.
I knew that when I returned Akari would likely be married to the prince of Oznea and I couldn't have her all to myself like I did now. I was selfish and when it came to Akari I always would be.
"You have to be strong for me now ok Akari?" letting go of Akari was the most difficult thing I had ever done and seeing the look in her eyes was the hardest part of doing it. The people come before me. I never deserved her anyways. Thinking that didn't make it any less hard.
Akari was the light in the sea of darkness that I had created for myself in the years I had lived with death's curse and now I could feel myself losing to it, succumbing to the ocean of blood I had on my hands.
"Sometimes the worst place you can be is in your own head" weeks ago I had heard Akari tell me when she was mumbling to herself. Of all the places she had been ridiculed and mocked for being herself the worst place she could be was in her own mind.
In a way I understood what she had meant. For years I had lived with the ghosts of the dead I had killed and the place they thrived was in my own mind. Akari is my first love and I would remember her for the rest of my days on Kitar. Akari always had a spot in my heart. This felt like goodbye and even though I wished it wasn't, I knew it was.
"Even if everything changes, I know that you will always have light in your heart, Akane. Even if the darkness inside you takes over there will always be light to guide you back to me" Akari spoke looking up at me from her bed. She placed her hands over my heart. I put my hands over hers and crouched to look at her. Her eyes bore into mine and the icy blue was an ocean I wouldn't mind drowning in. My necklace sat just above our intertwined hands. I took it off of my neck and put it around Akari's.
"This has protected me for my entire life and now it will protect you even when I'm not there" I stared right back at her still holding the necklace now dangling from her neck.
She sat up and wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me. It was desperate and wanting. My hands became tangled in her hair and I kissed her back with the same longing and desperation.
Loving Akari was the most beautiful form of self destruction.
∼•∼
I had finally managed to put Akari to sleep. It was late and I had spent hours calming her sobs and stroking her hair until she was sleeping soundly with a stuffed dragon in her arms. Leaving her was hard but being left was probably worse. I had changed her blood soaked bandages once more when she was finally asleep and when I felt I did all I could for her I placed a kiss on Akari's temple and left her chambers. For the last time.
Kaen was leaning on the wall outside of Akari's chambers. He was holding Canaria and running his finger down it's perfectly curved blade. The sight made me cringe a little and I snatched it away from him. Wiping his blood off the silver blade. With my hood.
"Your scythe isn't a normal one right? I can feel the ki energy from it and it's pretty strong" he said, ignoring the look of annoyance and disgust on my face.
"I honestly don't know what you're talking about. It's late and I'd like to sleep so if you could step out of my way that would be much appreciated" his gloved hand flew to his chest in exaggerated pain. I rolled my eyes. How was I going to spend months on end with this guy? And in another kingdom at that. I would have rather taken Sunaro or even Mizu but they both had their obligations to their clans as their matrons were getting older. The fire clans matron was still quite young so the king insisted I take Kaen along with me to make sure I didn't get into "trouble". I did have a tendency to get distracted on away jobs and would stay for way longer than I was ordered to.
I didn't care as long as he kept his distance and didn't get in my way I would do my job splendidly. He was still standing in the hallway and he occupied most of its space. He didn't intend to leave me alone anytime soon. "Look I don't want anything to do with you and I would rather do this job alone but here we are. So if you wouldn't mind I would like to get along or at least not have to deal with this bullshit while we're in Morell" I was starting to get angry and I didn't want to wake Akari.
"Could you tell me what that scythe is made of?" He looked at me and his eyes looked like thick red blood and somewhat resembled Mizu's hair, he looked curious and he kept glancing at Canaria. No one had ever asked me that question because no one had ever realized that Canaria wasn't made of simple iron. It shook me up and I looked at him with suspicion now. He had to be very skilled in alchemy to sense the difference between the two.
Alchemy was a form of ki regular humans could do and if they were trained enough they could sense the difference between elements. It was sort of like the witchcraft that was talked about in children's books. With enough practice they could weld together certain elements and bend rock to their will. Why would a blessed one study Alchemy?
I had never heard of ki users learning Alchemy since all they needed was the element they could control. Out of all the generals he was the strangest. From wearing strange black gloves to his behavior he was by far the strangest person I had met in the castle for the eight years I'd lived here.
"It's quite rude to pry into people's lives and their possessions, general Hano" I sneered at him. The look of sheer smugness never left his face. He started fiddling with his gloves again and looked to the ground. His face looked a little more flushed than before and I had taken the opportunity to try and move past him in the hallway.
I had almost made it before he grabbed my wrist and lifted it up in the air. He flinched a little from the touch. I dropped Canaria and he caught it with his free hand. My gaze was plastered on Canaria and from the corner of my eyes I could see the skin under his gloves. It was pitch black. It looked almost charred and had scars all over it. It resembled smoke trailing up his arms.
"It's made of blood isn't it?" I turned my attention to him once again. How had he figured it out? It took me years to figure out what it was made of and it still baffled me to this day. Canaria was made out of blood but I had only figured that out four years ago when I gave in to the madness and used my ki. I had bent the scythe like clay and when I let go, it's form completely dropped and it turned to blood on the floor.
Back then I had created it exactly right again and never spoke of it to anyone. From then on I stopped using the ki other than little things to maintain my sanity for the sake of others. For four years I drove myself into madness and only used small amounts of ki to keep myself partially sane. I felt all my defenses go out the window when he figured it out and the picture of his hand flew into my mind again.
"Y-your hand its..." he let go of my wrist and dropped Canaria the second I spoke. I had picked up Canaria and he was gone. The familiar weight of it in my hands was comforting and I felt disgusted with myself for feeling comfort with a person's blood I didn't even know. Still it, like the necklace had stayed with me through the years and I had grown attached.
They brought me comfort and soothed the boiling fear that dwelled deep within me. I relied on them to help me hide the fear and sadness that weighed me down. They weren't like people, they would never leave me.
Kaen had left me outside of Akari's room and the picture of his hands still flashed through my thoughts. His hands had been charred and burnt. Is that why he wears those ridiculous gloves?
In my mind the scars were beautiful and I thought it suited him and his race perfectly. I had longed to belong to a clan I could call my own. I was only human and the only thing I had was the curse that destroyed my life and killed my loved ones mercilessly. I was born to be alone and the thought still made me feel wrong in ways I felt I couldn't explain.
It's like I was never meant to exist at all and I was the product of death and blood and their love for eachother. Where one went the other followed. It was cruel and I had never asked to be brought into this world that cursed the day I was born.
I had climbed multiple sets of stairs and walked endless hallways until I reached the tower I was given to reside in. Secluded from everyone was how I had lived for ten years and I could do it for the rest of my pathetic life. Away from the whispers of the living I was left alone with my thoughts. If I had lived like this from the beginning I could have avoided getting used to saying goodbye.
From the window of my room I had the perfect view of my family's graves. I gazed at their final resting places with longing. I needed release and I knew I would never get it. Death had refused me countless times and no matter what I had done I had never been able to join them I had lost to the curse. I bid my goodbyes to the departed for the night and sat in my bed. The king had buried them right in front of my tower to mock me and never let me forget the power he had over me. And of the crimes I've committed.
I clutched Canaria with possessiveness. Seeing my scythe in Kaens hands made me internally cringe and I wanted to skin him alive the moment he took Canaria from me. Like I had done every night since I had taken a life, I asked for forgiveness if only to calm the voices in my head.
"Canaria, if you can hear me right now I want to tell you that I'm sorry and that I hope you can forgive me for what I did to you ten years ago." her voice trembled "I know what I did is unforgivable and I'm so sorry for carrying you with me for all these years. I know I deserve every voice in my head but I'm begging you to give me the smallest bit of release. I miss you... rest easy ok"
I felt as though Canaria's soul rested in the scythe. It helped me take lives and shared the guilt of it. Maybe I was selfish to not let Canaria rest peacefully and hold her to the guilt of taking countless lives but without it I would lose my sanity and I needed to stay sane for the smallest hope that the ones I loved today wouldn't leave her.
∼•∼
In my dreams, I would see the shadowy figure that watches over me every night. It cleared the whispers from my mind so I could lose myself in sleep. And all the while, it watched silently all through the night. In my dreams it held Canaria and lay in a dark hood that covered its features entirely. Over time I had assumed the figure was death or what it would be if it had a physical form. It had followed me everywhere I went without fail.
Why stop at reality. In my dreams I was a translucent version of myself and whatever I touched had passed through my hands. It was a mockery of the death I had so longed for. Sometimes I would see Akari. Other times I would see Mizu and Sunaro. In all the versions of my dreams they had all slaughtered me brutally and when I awoke I was always covered in a cold sweat instead of the warm blood in my dreams.
Every night it was the same dream and every night I woke up feeling sick and worthless. With every cut of a knife and every hit they gave me they told truths that I had known but hurt to hear from their mouths. I knew of course that I was dreaming and that in reality Mizu would brush my hair and Sunaro would joke around with the me I showed them. Akari loved me and I loved Akari. These dreams turned my fears into physical forms. One very shadowy figure had watched me grow weak and wring my hands with agony while I was being beaten and stabbed to death.
I had sat up from my sleep the moment I opened my eyes. Just seconds ago I was being killed by the girl I loved with all my heart. She had taunted me for the love I had shown and made me regret letting Akari go.
The sheets were drenched with sweat and I tasted the familiar taste of iron in my tongue. I had bitten my tongue in my sleep and now there was blood in my mouth and on the pillow. I yearned to use ki to wipe it away. It would be so easy and it would make the whispers go away once and for all.
I had suspected that the whispers I heard all throughout the day were an effect of refusing to use ki; and I had been right. From then on I had reinforced the promise I made with myself years ago when I had figured out Canaria's secret. I would never use ki unless it was to protect those I loved. I had made the mistake of refusing to use it entirely and that had cost lives. I would keep these friends no matter the cost.
For most of my life I knew it was wrong to use someone's blood against them and I knew I would hate it if someone did that to me. I would never use someone's blood against them even if they did deserve it.
I could use my own blood. In my youth I had practiced using my blood in small portions and hardening it to create weapons and tools. I had gotten good at it but had gone overboard and passed out. I had a limit of the amount of my own blood I could use and I wondered who's blood had made Canaria. They were dead for sure.
Canaria was larger than me and the blade was long and curved to perfection. There were intricate carvings on its handle and blade. Whoever's blood had been used to create Canaria it was the strongest I had ever seen. For a while I had thought it was Canaria's blood but I eventually ruled it out since Canaria had died a child and there was no way there was enough blood to create the blade I had grown so attached to.
∼•∼
Since I was a child I had a strong affinity for blood and could always feel someone coming up from behind me by the scent and movement of their blood alone. I could only use it when it came from an open wound or a cut. As long as there was a place the blood was leaking from I could do with it as I pleased. I could feel the blood in someone but could never manipulate it when it was inside of someone. My entire family had an affinity for blood and the Alberola's had been given a noble title from before I was born.
After the mutant purge most of the noble families were killed and the ones left were of royal blood or strong users of the four ki Before the mutant purge the nobles consisted of Mutated ki users and they all lived in luxury under the previous king.
Once the recent king rose to power he killed all mutated ki users and most of the nobles along with them. Leaving only me and a few survivors that resided in Wessledam. The city of Wessledam was populated by the truly desperate and was overrun by criminals and mutated ki users, the ones that were left at least.
For a while I had considered running away to Wessledam but Akari had changed my mind and just thinking about how broken Mizu would be had stopped me. After that I never thought of leaving them again. For them I would burn the world to the ground without hesitation.
∼•∼
I had cleaned myself of the cold sweat that came with the nightmare and was ready in the uniform that was given to me by Akari for my "Executioner's duties" Akari had a funny way of talking to me and about my job that made it seem not so bad.
I already missed Akari. I missed her smell and the laughs she gave. I would pay all the money I had to hear it every day and get drunk on it. Akari smelled of fruit tea and pine tree's and I could never get enough of it.
The thought of Akari early in the morning was refreshing and for a moment the whispers had ceased but when I thought they were gone they came back again only to taunt me of what I had given up.
I had decided to let go of Akari so she could become queen without any problems and save this god's forsaken country before it crumbled under her father's foot. The hardest thing I had done was let go of Akari but I knew that things would be better off for it.
This way Akari wouldn't die a needless death. The knowledge that Akari was safe from the curse that had taken others from me. As long as Akari is in peace and bliss I would live peacefully myself. I smiled. We were under the same sky at least.