How Fast the Night Changes

I'm Growing Up Beside You

I'm Growing Up Beside You

Words:
16k+

Family:
Zayn as Papa, Liam as Dad
Niall and Louis as the twins
Harry as the baby of the family

Description:
A prequel or series of snapshots taking place prior to the previous story, 'I Would Tear My Heart Clean Apart (If It Helps Yours Beat)'. Aka, the twins, from three years old to fifteen years old.

Warnings for this Chapter:
Descriptions of minor character injury, minor character illness - warnings for emet, depictions of vomiting, as well as needles and blood. Implications of EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). Attempt at non-con (but nothing actually happens, don't worry!)

Plenty of fluff too!!

Enjoy ;)

_______________________________

THREE YEARS OLD
When Louis and Niall are dropped off as an emergency placement to Liam and his husband Zayn's house, Liam is firstly struck by how tiny there are.

Then, when that shock wears off, he realises that they're so grubby. The darker haired of the two boys, Louis, has streaks of visible dirt around his neck near the collar of his tattered shirt, and the fairer of the two, Niall, isn't wearing any shoes, his socked feet shuffling from one to the other.

Whilst Zayn speaks to the social worker dropping them off, Liam crouches down on one knee in front of the two three year olds.

"Hi there. You must be Louis and Niall," he says, smiling softly.

Niall steps behind his brother, and Louis sucks his bottom lip in and nods.

They'd gotten the call about taking in the boys temporarily the previous day. The twins had been removed from their home after their neglectful, addict mother had taken an accidental overdose and passed away. According to the social worker on the phone, the twins had been taking care of themselves for the past three days with their mothers body in her room upstairs.

His heart hurts for them both, it truly does.

"Are you both hungry at all? It's late, and I don't suppose you've had any dinner yet, hm?"

Neither of them say anything to that, both blinking with matching pairs of bright blue eyes at him. Liam smiles.

"What are your favourites?" He asks.

There's a small pause in which Liam hears Zayn closing the front door behind him. He watches as Niall leans close to his brother's ear and whispers something to him before looking down at the ground again.

Louis tilts his head slightly before speaking in a tiny voice. "We like pizza. And - um - and Ni-Ni's fav'ite is - is - um - t-icken nuggets."

Liam just about melts at the boys little voice. He looks over his shoulder up at Zayn and the two of them share a warm look before he turns back to the twins.

"Well, you're both in luck. We happen to have pizza and chicken nuggets in the freezer. How about Zayn here gets that cooked up for you boys and I get the two of you in a nice warm bath? Is that okay?"

Louis glances over his shoulder at Niall and then back to Liam and Zayn, giving a tiny nod. "O'tay," he whispers.

And with the level of trust only a toddler can give, Louis grabs ahold of Niall's hand in one of his own, and then reaches up to grasp ahold of two of Liam's fingers with his other, the two little boys staring up at the man expectantly.

And both of them know, in that exact moment, that this is more than a temporary placement. Instantaneously, those two babies have found their way into their hearts, and there's no way on earth that they'll ever be able to let them go.

*

Zayn wakes up to a muffled thud from downstairs, sitting up in bed with a frown. He glances to his right and sees Liam fast asleep beside him, and he realises that the sound must have been one or both of their foster sons'.

The twins have been with them for just short of two weeks now, their placement with the men no longer an emergency one.

He pulls back his side of the covers, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and standing with bare feet, quietly padding down the hall toward the twins room.

Cracking the door open and peering inside at the two small beds on either side of the room, squinting through the darkness and seeing Niall asleep in Louis' bed with the stuffed bear toy they'd bought him the previous day week. There's no sign of Louis though, so he takes one last look at Niall before quietly retreating and heading down the stairs instead.

The lights are on in the kitchen, and he has to wait a few seconds for his eyes to adjust before he sees what had made the thud that had woken him - the milk carton on its side on the floor, milk spilled into a small pool around it. Louis is in his pyjamas on the counter beside the fridge, a chair pushed up against the cupboards.

He looks terrified; the three year olds eyes are wide, his chubby cheeks flushed pink.

"I sorry!" He says quickly, voice wobbling.

Zayn is quick to shake his head, hurrying across to the boy and holding out his arms. He hooks his hands beneath Louis' arms and pulls him onto his hip, smiling when the boy loops his arms around his neck and rests his cheek on his shoulder.

"It's okay, baby boy. Were you tryna get yourself a drink?" He asks softly.

Louis sniffles, nodding. "Uh-huh, but - but it falled," he whispers, sucking in a hitching breath.

Zayn shushes him. "It's okay, I can clean it up. You didn't mean it. Why didn't you come wake me or Daddy up, huh?"

As soon as he and Liam had decided that they were going to permanently foster and eventually adopt the twins, they'd asked them to call them Dad and Papa just to avoid any confusion, and the boys had picked up on the names right away - Louis had, at least; Niall is yet to say a word to them, only ever whispering to Louis.

"You was sleepin'," Louis says softly, bottom lip trembling still. "An' I wanted a milk."

"You wanted milk?" Zayn corrects gently, and Louis nods slowly against his shoulder.

Smiling, Zayn sets the small boy down on the island and quickly grabs a cloth to clean up the milk on the ground before he fishes a new milk carton out of the fridge and rinses out a plastic beaker. He fills it with milk and then takes it over to the three year old.

"There you go, sweetheart. And next time, just come ask me or Daddy, okay? Even if we're sleeping, we won't be mad."

Louis hesitates, then smiles at him, holding onto the handles of the beaker and taking a small sip, yawning. He holds his arms out and Zayn picks him up easily.

"T'ank you Papa," he mumbles tiredly, and Zayn thinks he'd be happy every day for the rest of his life as long as those two little boys call him by that name.

*

"Alright. What are we fancying for breakfast, my little princes?" Liam asks, setting two beakers of orange juice down on the island counter in front of the two toddlers.

Louis pauses, tilting his head. "Uhhhh...coco pops!" He says, grinning so wide that his eyes squint closed.

Liam grins right back, because god, he didn't think it were possible to love somebody as much as he loves these two boys - of course, he loves Zayn but the romantic kind of love. Paternal love is just - it's something else.

He looks to Niall, the twin who has yet to speak to him or Zayn at all, and the boy has his thumb in his mouth, pressed up close to his brother.

"And what about you, squirt? We got cereal, toast, pop tarts, fruit...?"

Niall pulls his thumb from his mouth and leans in closer to Louis, whispering to him.

For once, Louis doesn't report back to Liam. He whispers back to his brother and then Niall turns to look at the man with a shyness about him.

And then, in the gentlest of voices, he whispers, "I like coco pops too."

And Liam just about cries in joy. He beams at the boys, reaching across the counter and taking one of their hands in each of his.

"Whatever you want," he says softly, then letting out a breath. "You boys deserve the whole world."

_______________________________

FOUR YEARS OLD
Two weeks after the twins fourth birthday, they sign the adoption papers, making them a legal and official part of the family.

They take the two of them to the beach afterwards to celebrate - and it's a beautiful evening, one for the memories. It's the middle of summer; a warm evening, the sunset turning the horizon a vibrant shade of red.

The boys are sharing a blanket, laid over their shoulders, a polystyrene container filled with chip and an oversized blob of tomato ketchup sitting on Louis lap, both of them picking at the food.

They're sitting on the sea wall, the four of them, looking out at the ocean as the waves lap at the shore.

Zayn is on the right of the boys and Liam on the left. Liam leans forwards to peer at the smiles on their sons' faces.

"You boys okay?" He asks lightly.

They both beam at him, nodding, little legs with matching sandals on their feet kicking back and forth.

"We're okay, Daddy," Louis says, whilst Niall points towards the ocean, letting out the most adorable excited squeal.

"D'eres a big boat!"

Liam looks up at Zayn, both of them chuckling at the sudden outburst.

"You like boats, huh?" Zayn asks, and Niall nods, eyes wide as he watches the sail boat skim through the waves of the ocean.

Louis giggles at his brother. "He likes the really biggest ones wiv the - the fingies. Like paper."

Liam chuckles. "You mean the ones with the big sails? Like a pirate ship?" He asks, and Niall nods enthusiastically.

"Uh-huh! Dare my fav'ite."

Liam holds a hand to his chest. "You boys are gonna make my heart melt, you know that?"

The twins let out identical giggles this time, and Louis shakes his head.

"Not like ice cream!"

He snorts, poking the four year old in the ribs and making his screech. "Uh-huh. Just like ice cream."

*

Zayn sighs as he sits on the floor next to Niall's bed, one hand rubbing gentle circles on his sweaty chest over the top of his damp pyjama top. The boy is feverish and in and out of it, hair wet and clinging to his forehead, cheeks painted with bright red splodges.

This is his third chest infection in the fourteen months that he and Louis have been living with them, and it never gets any easier to see him so poorly.

The boy whimpers, rolling his head towards Zayn, coughing weakly and then sucking in a sparrow like breath that rattles loudly.

"Sh, sh. You're okay, sweet boy. You're alright."

Niall whines, rolling onto his side and curling up small, cuddling Zayn's hand close to his chest.

Zayn smiles, using his free hand to push the child's hair back from his head.

"How's he doing?"

Liam is in the doorway, Louis pushing past him and over to his brother.

Zayn lets out a breath, watching as Louis climbs onto the bed behind his brother and cuddles into his back.

"Not as bad as the last time. He's taken his next dose of antibiotics already so he's all done with his medicine until bedtime."

Liam sighs. "I just wish there was something the doctor could give to him to stop these chest infections permanently. I hate seeing him like this every few months."

"I know," Zayn murmurs. He looks back to the boys, smiling when Niall releases his arm and rolls over to face Louis instead, curling into the other boy's chest. Louis kisses Niall's sweaty head. "At least he has you to look after him, huh, Lou?"

Louis smiles, wrapping his arm around his sick twin. "I always look af'er 'im."

*

The day they foster one year old Harry is the day that their little family becomes complete. The curly haired baby worms his way into all their hearts; and as much as the men had been worried about how the twins might manage having a younger brother, they immediately take on protective roles over the boy.

Louis likes to walk around with Harry's chubby fists wrapped around his fingers, guiding the baby's wobbly steps around the living room, all the while cheering him on. Niall likes to sit on the couch with Harry in his lap, whispering to him until he falls to sleep.

It's endearing to see, and their family of four finally becomes one of five.

_______________________________

FIVE YEARS OLD
The twins' first day of school is hard to say the least.

Louis seems excited enough, but Niall cries and clings onto Liam's legs the moment the man tries to leave them with their teacher.

He manages to pry the small boys hands off of himself, crouching in front of him and lifting a hand to wipe away some of the tears, wishing he was able to just scoop him up and take him home and never have to bring him back to this place since it's bringing him so much upset.

"Sweetheart, it's only a few hours. Today's just a half day, me and Papa'll be here to bring you home at lunch time. I promise."

Niall sobs, shaking his head and throwing his arms around the man's middle. "N-no. D-don't go. Don't go-o-o," he cries.

Heart aching for his child, he rubs his back. "I'm sorry, baby. Hey. Lou's gonna be with you the whole time, aren't you Lou?"

The boy in question has been busy watching all the other kids running past into the playground, bouncing on his heels. His smile turns into a frown when he sees Niall crying.

Liam offers him a reassuring smile. "Your brother's a little worried about going in."

Louis, off the bat, steps forward and pats Niall's head. "Don't be scared, Ni-Ni! Me and you can sit together all the whole day," he says, and Liam chuckles.

"You hear that, Ni? All the whole day."

Niall whimpers. "N-no. I wanna go ho-ome," he hiccups.

Sighing, Liam tugs the boy's tiny limbs from around him and pulls back a little, heart breaking at the child's tear-stained face.

"You'll be home in a few hours. See, your brother's already making friends," he says, grinning as a sandy haired boy waves at him and Louis waves back.

Niall sniffles again, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "I d-don't wanna make f-friends. I wanna g-go home."

"Honey..." Liam sighs. "I love you, so so much, alright? And so does Papa, and we can't wait for you boys to come home again after school. But you gotta go in there. Everyone has to go to school. Even if they're scared."

"No," Niall whines.

"S'okay, Ni-Ni," Louis says, grabbing his brothers hand. "Lets go play wiv that boy over there."

Before Niall can object, his brother pulls him over to the boy who had waved earlier on, and despite being visibly frightened at at first, when the other blond boy speaks to him, Niall wipes his face dry and answers back, and within minutes, the twins are both giggling with their new friend.

Even so, Liam waits around until he's certain that both his babies are alright before he leaves.

And he'd be lying if he said he didn't shed a few tears of his own when leaving them behind.

*

The moment Louis tumbles head over heels on the asphalt at the park, Liam and Zayn are running full speed over to the boy.

When he sees the blood, Zayn's stomach drops. The boy is surprisingly quiet as he holds his hand up to his mouth, blood already soaking his skin.

"Shit - I mean - sheesh, buddy, that was a tumble and a half, huh?" Zayn says quickly, pulling the five year old up into a sitting position.

Louis takes a breath, and as if the pain has only just hit him, he bursts into tears, looking panicked at all the blood on his hand when he lowers it.

Heart thudding, Zayn exchanges a concerned glance with his husband and then turns back to the boy, Liam shushing him.

"Okay. You're alright, buddy, just let me have a look, okay?" Zayn murmurs, gently cupping the boy's cheek and trying to look at his mouth.

Louis whimpers loudly and turns away. "Owwww! Y-you're h-hurtin' me-e," he sobs.

"Sweetheart, no, Papa isn't tryna hurt you. We just need to see so we know what's bleeding, okay?"

At that, Louis sobs, red saliva dribbling from the corner of his mouth. At that moment, Niall comes running over, immediately looking freaked out at the blood and then bursting into tears of his own.

Liam winces, trying to quieten the other boy. "Shh, honey, he's okay. Don't panic, he's alright."

"He's b-bleedin'," Niall hiccups, tears streaming down his cheeks, hating to see his brother in pain. They're both the same. When one of them is upset, so's the other.

Zayn glances over his shoulder to where Cal is holding Harry in the queue to the ice cream van nearby. "Hey, Ni, buddy. Why don't you run over to Uncle Cal and ask him to fetch an extra ice pole for Lou? It'll help his mouth, I'm sure."

Niall's bottom lip wobbles again, but he nods, turning around and running over to his uncle.

Zayn turns his attention back to Louis as Liam manages to get him taking deep breaths to calm down.

"Can I take a look now, baby?" He asks gently, and Louis whimpers but opens his mouth the tiniest bit. Zayn peers past his crimson lips but doesn't see anything. "I'm just gonna lift your top lip a little bit, okay?"

Louis doesn't object, so Zayn reaches out as gently as he can and lifts his top lip with his thumb.

As soon as he does, his eyes widen a little, because the boys top front teeth are both missing. He imagines it must be pretty painful for the kid since those two baby teeth hadn't even been wobbly yet.

Looking on the asphalt behind Louis, there are two small white baby teeth that Zayn quickly scoops up.

"Well, Lou, looks like you're gonna be getting your first visit from the tooth fairy," he says, holding the teeth out so that both the boy and Liam can see them.

And well, as far as loosing your first tooth goes, this is certainly a story that Zayn has a feeling they're all gonna remember.

_______________________________

SIX YEARS OLD
Liam catches Louis' wrist as the six year old lifts his hand up to his neck again. "No scratching, honey. You'll make it worse."

Louis whines, attempting to use his shoulder to rub at his neck instead. "It itches."

Liam sighs, glancing over to where Zayn is applying some of the prescribed ointment on the red bumps marring Niall's bare back, the fairer twin shivering without his shirt on despite his pink cheeks.

Of course, when one of the twins gets the chicken pox, they're both gonna get it. Liam just hates to see them both so fed up.

"I know it does, sweetheart. Come here, come sit with me and we'll find something good to watch on the TV, okay? It might take your mind off of it."

With Harry spending the weekend at Cal's to avoid the younger boy from getting sick too, they can at least give their full attention to the twins.

Louis sniffles but crawls across the couch and sets himself on Liam's lap, grabbing the man's arm and pulling it across himself.

Once Zayn is done with applying the ointment to Niall's back, he wraps a blanket around the other six year old and carries him across to Liam and Louis, sitting down with him on his lap. Liam smiles when Niall holds out his hand and Louis immediately wraps his own hand around it, the two of them clinging onto one another whilst they watch the TV.

Not a day goes by where these boys don't fail to amaze him with the level of love they have for one another.

He hopes they never lose that.

*

Niall watches from the back door as his Papa and Louis kick a ball around in the back garden. Liam checks that three year old Harry is still napping on the couch before he head over to the blond haired boy, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Come on, you. You know you're meant to be resting."

Yet another chest infection, because of course, Niall never seems to be well for long before his immune system gets the better of him, the poor thing.

This time around has him on a treatment that involves a rest from physics activity and an inhaler.

Niall looks up at him, pale skinned with bags beneath his eyes. "I wanna play too," he whispers, sounding nothing short of pitiful, and Liam wants to cry for him.

"I know you do, baby boy. And you'll be able to soon, just once you get over this chest infection, okay?"

Pouting, Niall holds up his arms and Liam lifts him up into his hip, guiding the boy's feverish head to rest on the crook of his neck.

"I'll just get sick again," he whispers. "'Gain and 'gain and 'gain. How come I'm always poorly?" He asks, coughing weakly and then sucking in a rattling breath.

Liam sighs, rubbing the boys back and carrying him over to the couch on the opposite end to where Harry is napping in nothing but his nappy.

Sitting with the shivering boy on his lap, he wraps his arms around him and kisses the crown of his head. "Some people just get sick a little more easily than other people. I know it sucks, honey, but I'm sure it'll get better as you get older."

"I don't wanna wait till I'm older. I wanna be all better right now," he says quietly.

Liam can't say anything to that, because he wants the exact same thing.

All he can do for right now is hold onto the boy and hope that his immune system will get stronger as time goes by.

*

"Well you're mean and stupid!"

"You're meaner and stupider!" Niall yells back.

Louis stomps his foot and then shoves his brother. "Well - well - ugh! I hate you!" He shouts.

"Hey, boys. Stop it, that's enough," Zayn scolds sternly, snapping out of his stupor in the doorway to the boys room and stepping between the two six year olds.

He's never seen them fight like this before. They bicker from time to time, sure, but nothing like this. They never call each other names, and they most definitely never say they hate one another.

He glances from one angry little face to the other. "What's all this about, huh?"

Louis glares at him and then at his brother, pointing a finger at him. "He called me a - a idiot!"

Niall shakes his head adamantly. "No I didn't! He was mean to me first, he - he said I'm a baby!"

"You are a baby!"

"Hey, stop it," Zayn says again, shaking his head. "Nobody's an idiot and nobody's a baby. Now I don't like to see you boys fighting like this. You love each other, so act like it."

Niall's bottom lip wobbles and he shakes his head. "He said he hates me."

"Yeah, cause you said I'm mean and stupid," Louis retaliates, before huffing and stomping his way out of the room and down the stairs.

Zayn turns after him in surprise. "Lou - what the - get back here! I wasn't finished," he calls after him, to no response. He sighs, turning back to Niall, the boy beginning to cry. "Oh, Bug. Come here," he murmurs, crouching down and holding his hand out to him.

Niall ignores the outstretched hand and throws his arms around the man instead, and Zayn stands with the boy in his arms.

"Alright, honey, he didn't mean it," he assures softly, kissing the kid's shoulder. "We'll go find him and talk to him, okay? Get you two made up again."

Niall sniffles, nodding against him. "M'not a baby," he whispers.

"I know. You and Lou are twins, Nialler, so if one of you's a baby then you both are. Anyway, you're both my big boys, aren't you?"

Sure, Niall is the more babied of the twins what with him being a little less resilient than his brother, but with how much time he spends being sick and not crying about it, Zayn would argue that he's anything but a baby.

On the way downstairs, he stops at the bathroom where Liam is bathing Harry. He pokes his head around, smiling when he sees Harry's curls stuck up into a mohawk, a beard of bubbles on the lower half of his face.

The three year old giggles, clapping when he sees Zayn. "Papa, Papa! Look what Daddy did!"

He chuckles. "Wow, honey. You don't look a day over thirty," he teases, before turning to Liam, whose eyes are on Niall. "Uh, I'm gonna be downstairs with the twins. They had a bit of a fight."

Liam looks surprised. "A fight?"

Niall turns to look at his Dad with teary eyes and a wobbly bottom lip. "He called me a - a baby and said he hates me."

Zayn winces. "They both said a thing or two to each other. Anyway, I'm gonna go fix things. Will you be alright to keep Haz up here till I get it done?"

Liam nods. "Yeah, sure," he turns to their three year old with a grin. "Me and Curly are all set for a tea party with all his teddies after this, aren't we?"

Harry nods in excitement. "Yay!"

Smiling, Zayn leaves the room, shushing the boy in his arms again and heading down the stairs.

"Lou?" He calls out, setting Niall down at the island in the kitchen.

"Go 'way!"

Zayn has to suppress a laugh at the muffled shout coming from inside the cupboard beneath the sink. He crouches down and opens it up, raising a brow at the boy curled up next to the pipes.

"Buddy. Get out from there, you could get hurt."

Louis looks at him with a pout, arms firmly crossed as he shakes his head. "Uh-uh. You're a poopy-head."

He blinks in surprise at that. "What the hell did I do?" He asks.

The six year old shrugs. "You're just a poop. You and Ni and - and Daddy and Harry. You're all big fat poops."

Trying not to laugh again, Zayn nods. "Okay. And why's that?"

"You're askin' me too many questions. Move so I can get out."

Letting out a sigh, Zayn shakes his head. "Louis Malik. You don't talk to me like that, you hear? I don't know why you're behaving like this but you need to snap out of it."

Louis lets out a loud yell at that. "Blah blah blah! That's all I hear!"

Truly taken aback now, Zayn stares at the boy with wide eyes. "Lou, honey. What's the matter, hm? Because you've upset Ni and now you're upsetting me. I can't help if I don't know what's going on."

At that, Louis backs down a little, looking at his lap and shrugging. "I didn't like it when he called me stupid. Now m'mad."

"Okay. Okay, that's understandable. Nobody likes being called stupid, it would make me mad too. But you called him a baby first, right?"

"I didn't mean it. M'sorry," he mumbles.

Letting out a breath, Zayn nods. "Okay. How about you tell that to Niall, huh? And he'll do the same to you. Come on, I hate to see the two of you fight."

Louis hesitates before he gives a small nod. "Okay," he whispers. "Can I get out now please?"

"That's more like it. Out you get," he says softly, moving aside and allowing the six year old to crawl out of the cupboard.

He lifts the boy up into the side next to Niall, and the two boys look at each other for a few seconds before Louis' bottom lip wobbles too.

"I don't really hate you. I don't even know why I sayed that," he mumbles.

Niall sniffs, nodding. "I'm sorry I called you a idiot and mean and stupid."

"M'sorry I said you was a baby too," Louis replies, and Zayn watches with a smile as the two boys hug each other.

He hopes to hell that he doesn't have to witness the two of them fall out like that again for a long time.

_______________________________

SEVEN YEARS OLD
Zayn draws in the line on the doorframe level with the top of Louis' head, leaning back on his heels and turning to the boys with a grin. "Well, it's official. Louis is officially a whole inch taller than Ni."

Louis cheers at that, jumping up and down before turning to Niall triumphantly, fists on his hips and chin in the air. "That's 'cause I'm a whole seventeen minutes older. Now I'm the strongest and the tallest."

Niall pouts at that, bottom lip jutting out as he shakes his head. "Nuh-uh! You're not the strongest, I am, 'cause when we was playin' wrestling wiv Luke, I beated you."

"That's 'cause I let you win, Ni," Louis states matter-of-factly.

Deciding to interrupt before a fight can break out, Zayn reaches out to ruffle both boys' hair. "Hey, you're both big macho men, alright? Besides, Ni, an inch is nothing. Lou was almost two inches taller than you when you guys were five and you caught up to him a few months later. That's bound to happen again this time."

Niall continues to pout. "I wanna be really tall, like Luke. He's like...up here," he stands on his tip toes and holds his hand right up in the air, making Zayn chuckle.

"That's called an exaggeration, Bug. Nothing wrong with being a little short. Neither of you are very tall. You're teeny tiny."

Louis starts pouting at that too, letting out a huff. "But Haz is the tiniest!"

Harry, who'd been sitting quietly on Niall's bed and playing with a train toy up until now, looks up with furrowed brows at that. "M'only four," he states very seriously. "I'm 'posed to be the smallest."

Snorting, Zayn nods. "You got a point there, Curly," he says, then turns back to the twins. "And trust me, wait till you three are all fully grown. I have a feeling Harry will be taller than both of you."

*

They get a ton of snow that year. Liam watches from the back porch as their three boys, all bundled up in layers of sweaters and winter coats, hats, scarves and gloves, as well as Luke, all run around giggling and screaming.

It's the most beautiful sound in the world to him, the laughter of his children.

He smiles when Zayn exits the back door and hands him a mug of steaming coffee, leaning next to him on the back railing, chuckling as Niall gets pelted with snowballs by his twin brother; Luke and Harry quickly coming to his defence and tackling Louis to the cushioned ground in a pile of breathless giggles and white clouds of breath.

It's just another memory that he grasps onto and vows never to let go of.

*

Their first hospital trip with the boys comes when Louis breaks his arm at school whilst attempting to do a flip.

Niall cries the entire time he's waiting at home with Zayn and his little brother, and the moment Liam carries the other seven year old in through the front door, Niall's tears stop and he rushes over to the couch, patting the seat beside him desperately.

Zayn watches as Liam chuckles and settles Louis down on the couch next to Niall, the darker haired twin shuffling around until he's on his back with his head on Niall's lap, holding his bright red cast against his chest.

Liam scoops Harry up and carries him over to Zayn, smiling. "They gave him some of the good stuff before we left so he'll probably sleep half the day away. He was so brave, Z," he says softly. "How was Ni?"

Zayn smiles, watching the twins as Niall lifts a hand to play with his brothers hair.

"They said you can sign it," Louis murmurs, his usual energetic flare replaced by a certain tiredness that Zayn knows is from the aforementioned drugs.

Niall smiles at that. "Cool. I wanna draw you a picture on it too. And - and my name's gotta be the biggest on there," he says, to which Louis nods, yawning.

"Uh-huh."

"Does it still hurt lots? I cried all the time you were at the hospital," Niall reports quietly.

Louis blinks up at him slowly and then shakes his head. "Not anymore. And you didn't hafta cry. I'm okay now," he whispers, though he does reach across with his good hand and grasp onto one of Niall's, pulling it across to hold against his chest.

Zayn looks back to Liam with a smile to answer the previous question. "He's a lot better now that Lou's here."

Liam chuckles. "Always the way with those two."

_______________________________

EIGHT YEARS OLD
The summer after the twins eighth birthday is miserable in the UK, which is why the men decide to make this the year that they take the boys abroad for the first time. They figure that since Harry is five now, he'll make the journey better than he would have the previous few years.

"We're in the clouds, Daddy!" The curly haired boy screeches gleefully.

Liam laughs, nodding his head. "Yeah we are, Curly. Isn't it amazing?"

Harry doesn't answer, pressing his face right up against the glass of the plane window with his eyes all wide and mesmerised.

Liam watches for a moment with a smile before he twists around in his seat to look at the row behind them where Zayn and the twins are sitting. Much like Harry, Niall has his face pressed against the glass. In the middle seat, Louis looks nervous.

"You doing okay there, bud?" He asks gently, exchanging a sympathetic glance with Zayn.

The boy gives a small nod. "My ears feel funny," he whispers, glancing at Niall and then back to his Dad. "And m'scared about crashing," he adds quietly.

Liam smiles, reaching back to give the boy's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Not gonna happen, honey, okay? And I know it doesn't feel great on your ears, but it'll get better eventually. Why don't you try closing your eyes for a little while, hm? We'll be in Italy before you know it."

Louis nods, cuddling into Zayn's side and squeezing his eyes shut. Niall, at that particular moment, turns around to speak to his brother before stopping with a frown.

"Do you wanna swap seats so you can look outta the window, Lou?" He asks kindly.

Louis cracks an eye open and shakes his head. "No."

Niall hesitates, then shrugs. "Okay. You can hold my hand if you want," he offers.

Louis takes him up on that offer at least, reaching across and wrapping his hand around Niall's, and the worry in his features immediately smooths out.

And Liam, he just watches with the warmest feeling in his chest.

*

"Alright, sweetheart, you're okay. Just breathe," Zayn soothes, rubbing circles on Niall's back as he coughs and heaves, chest wheezing and rattling every time he inhales and exhales.

They'd all hoped the annual chest infection might give it a miss this year, but apparently that hope had been to no avail. In fact, this time around seems to be the worst yet, because when Niall finally stops coughing and slumps back against his pillows, the edges of his lips are as blue as the deep bags beneath his tired eyes.

And Zayn only needs to take one look at his pitiful little face to know that waiting this one out with antibiotics at home isn't good enough.

He turns over his shoulder to where Liam is standing in the doorway with a worried expression and nods at him, the other man wincing before nodding back.

"I'll go get the others in the car ready," Liam tells him before disappearing over to Harry's room.

Zayn turns his attention back to Niall, the boy's wheezing breaths sounding wet and painful. Gently, he hooks one arm behind the back of his knees and the other behind his shoulders, lifting him ever so carefully up into his chest like a newborn. He shushes the boy when he lets out a fevered whine, eyes looking up at him blearily.

"You're alright, honey. Me and Daddy are gonna take you to the hospital to get checked out, alright?"

Niall opens his mouth to answer but only breaks out into a coughing fit instead, so Zayn readjusts his hold on the boy and hurries him down the stairs where Liam is already hauling Louis and Harry out of the door to the car.

Louis holds his arms out once he's in the back middle seat of the car, reaching for his brother.

Zayn hesitates, glancing down to where Niall is still gasping weakly against him. He climbs into the seat next to Louis and keeps Niall on his lap, knowing that it isn't the safest but not wanting to let go of the boy for even a second.

"Drive careful, Li," he says, slamming the door shut.

Liam just starts the engine and nods.

"It's okay, Ni-Ni," Louis whispers, leaning into Zayn's side and clutching at his brother's hand. "Don't be scared, it's okay."

And maybe Zayn's just imagining it, but he's sure Niall's next breath comes a little easier.

_______________________________

NINE YEARS OLD
When Louis stands up from tying his laces, the rest of his class except for Niall are all gone.

He frowns, scanning the museum that they'd come to for a school trip that morning in search for one of his teachers at least before look back at Niall.

"Where'd everybody go?" He asks.

Niall looks around before turning back to his twin brother. "I don't know," he shrugs.

"Didn't you see 'em leave?" Louis strains, heart beating a little faster at the thought that they might've been left behind.

"Um," Niall pauses and chews his lip. "I don't know. I was watchin' how you do your laces," he mumbles, looking down at his velcro trainers with a pout.

Louis swallows. "Oh. D'you think they went back on the bus?"

Niall shakes his head, pointing at the grandfather clock in the hall that leads to a room full of old watches and sun-dials. "It's not on the three and the twelve yet. That means it's not home time."

"Okay. That's good. Um. Maybe we should go look for 'em...ummm...over there," he points over to the doorway leading to the dinosaur exhibit, and Niall grins.

"Yes! That's my favourite part," he says, grabbing ahold of Louis' hand, the two of them pushing past the groups of other schools and families until they reach the dinosaur room.

They kinda forget to look around in there for a while because they're so caught up in the dinosaurs, and when they leave the room to look over at the grandfather clock again, Louis' pretty sure that it's past home time.

He turns to Niall and chews in his lip. "Oops. I think they left us, Ni-Ni."

Niall holds onto his hand again, looking worried. "I don't know the way home, Lou," he whispers.

Trying to be brave for his brother, Louis squeezes Niall's hand and forces a smile. "It's okay. I - I got Daddy and Papa's phone numbers in my bag. We can call 'em and - and they'll come get us."

Niall doesn't look sure. "We don't have a phone."

"Um. I saw one of the red boxes with the phones in outside. We can just use one of them."

Niall doesn't answer to that, so Louis just tugs him over to the exit and turn down the steep steps of the museum, to the red telephone box on the pavement.

When they get into the box, they close the door, looking up at the phone in confusion.

Niall leans up on his tiptoes to peer up at at the device. "It says we need money."

Louis frowns, fishing the paper with their parents phone numbers on from the pocket in the side of his bag, leaning up to look for himself. "I don't got any money," he says.

Niall shrugs. "I got some coins left from the tuck shop earlier," he says, holding out a few silver pennies.

Louis grins at his brother and takes a couple of the coins, slipping them into the machine and then carefully dialling the number. He holds the phone sideways against his ear so that Niall can lean in on the other side.

Almost right away, their Papa's voice rings down the line.

"Hello?"

"Papa! It's me and Ni," Louis says quickly. "We got left behind, Papa, at the museum!"

"Jesus - Li! It's the boys!" Their Papa calls out before speaking to them again. "Are you both okay? Are you still at the museum?"

Louis looks at Niall and then nods. "Uh-huh, we're outside. Um, we're okay. We was just lookin' at the dinosaurs and then it was home time and everybody was gone."

"Thank god. You two scared the hell out of us -"

"Are you comin' to get us?" Niall asks quickly, voice wobbling. "I don't wanna stay here all night."

"Yeah, baby, don't worry. We're on our way, alright? You said you were outside?"

"Uh-huh," Louis says. "There's no phone box inside."

"Okay. Alright, you boys stay together and stay on the phone until the time runs out. And as soon as it does, go back into the museum and wait at the front desk, and no speaking to strangers."

"We know, Papa. Just please hurry. Um, we're kinda a little bit scared sorta."

"That's okay, honey. We'll be there in a few more minutes, okay?"

Louis holds tighter into Niall's hand in his as they both nod.

Needless to say, the two of them got a short lecture followed by an entire weekend of being wrapped up and coddled as soon as their parents came to get them.

*

Niall watches with his nose wrinkled up in disgust as his twin brother practically drools over his desk as one of the girls in their class, Maggie, stands up front to give her history presentation.

He gives Louis a nudge, frowning when the other boy doesn't even acknowledge him, too busy dealing with his newfound crush.

"It's gross," he says to Louis after class when they're walking to the playground. "Why would you like a girl?"

Louis shrugs, frowning at him. "'Cause I think she's pretty. And she talks nice. Don't you like her voice?"

Niall wrinkles his nose again and shakes his head. "No. You're being weird."

"Am not," Louis retorts, crossing his arms over his chest and turning to Niall with a pout. "You're the weird one. Luke and all the other guys have crushes on girls."

"No they don't," Niall argues, though he's secretly beginning to wonder if maybe his brother is right. Should he have a crush on a girl?

"Yeah they do," Louis insists. "You gotta pick one before they've all already been picked and then you'll be all by yourself."

Niall chews his lip at that and then shakes his head. "I don't wanna pick. What if the girl doesn't wanna be picked? Maybe the girls wanna pick boys. Or - or the boys might wanna pick other boys and the girls might wanna pick other girls."

Louis frowns. "You can pick a boy if you want then. But you gotta pick somebody."

"But why?" Niall strains. "I don't wanna pick anybody. I wanna play tag at break, not talk about stupid girls."

Louis just sighs and pats his shoulder. "You'll understand someday, Ni," he says, in the sort of way a grown up might speak to a little kid - and it always annoys him when Louis speaks to him like that because they're the exact same age!

It turns out that the whole fight isn't worth much anyway, because by the end of the week when Maggie tells Louis she doesn't fancy him back, Lou goes right back to agreeing with Niall that girls are weird and it's much more fun to play tag at break.

_______________________________

TEN YEARS OLD
Niall sits on the short wall framing the field at their school, watching as his brother and all of his friends play football. He's never really been much good at football, probably because he was always too sick to join in when all the others were learning how to properly kick a ball.

He feels like he's missing out now, though, because Luke is off sick and Louis is too busy with his other friends to have noticed that Niall's all alone, and the idea of trying to make new friends always makes him feel a little sick and a little out of breath, so he doesn't wanna try.

Instead, he hops down off the wall and walks over to one of the teachers on playground duty, who just so happens to be his favourite, Ms Hall.

The young TA smiles when he approaches her, steaming mug of coffee clasped between her hands. "Hi there, Niall. Where's your brother?"

He shrugs, pointing to the field. "He's playin' football. I'm not good," he states, looking back to the woman with wide eyes. "Can I have a green card please? I needa go to the toilet."

Ms Hall's eyes go soft and she nods, holding onto her drink with one hand and then fishing one of the laminated passes out of her pocket and handing it to him. "There you go. Just bring it back to me by the end of play time, okay?"

Niall nods. "I will. Thank you Miss Hall," he says politely, making the woman go even softer as he walks away into the school.

Instead of going to the toilet to actually use it, he closes the lid and sits on top of it, pulling his feet up and then tucking his knees up under his chin, wrapping his arms around them.

He feels funny when Louis isn't with him, like he's really, really alone, and he hates it. He sniffles, glad he's no longer outside where everyone can see him and think he's a baby. Instead, he's by himself in the bathroom, so when he lets himself properly cry into his folded arms, he doesn't bother trying to be quiet.

He hates school when Luke is away and Louis decides to play football. He hates it. He wishes he could be like Lou and make friends easily, but he just can't. He gets shy, or at least, that what Dad says to people, but it doesn't make him feel any better.

He holds his breath when he hears the bathroom door open, somebody walking in and pushing open the doors to the cubicles one by one. The person stops outside of his stall.

"Ni? S'that you in there?"

Niall sniffles. "No."

Louis huffs, rattling the door a little. "Lemme in. I'll climb over if you don't."

Managing a tiny laugh through his tears, Niall stands from the toilet seat and undoes the lock on the door, allowing Louis to step in before he closes it again.

His brother looks at him with a worried frown. "What's wrong? Do you feel sick?" He asks.

Niall tries to wipe at his face but he can't seem to stop crying and he doesn't know why. He shakes his head. "N-no. I dunno what's wrong with me, Lou."

Louis doesn't hesitate before hugging him, wrapping his arms around Niall's shoulders tightly. "It's okay. Are - are you sad about something?"

"Maybe," Niall whispers against his brothers shoulder. He holds onto him a little tighter. "My heart goes all fast when I'm by myself. I don't like it."

"Oh."

Louis pulls back and looks at him for a moment before tearing some toilet paper off of the roll and using it to wipe at Niall's wet face.

"You coulda joined in with the game. Nobody woulda minded."

Niall shakes his head. "I'm rubbish at it, and some of the boys from year six get mad whenever somebody rubbish tries to play."

"Well then - I - I'll teach you, in the garden at home -"

"Lou, I'm always gonna be rubbish at it."

Louis huffs. "You're not rubbish...I'm sorry I left you by yourself. I won't do it again if it makes you feel bad."

Niall shakes his head again at that. "No. You like playin' football."

"Maybe...maybe we should tell Dad and Papa. 'Bout you being sad today. They might know how to make you feel better," Louis offers gently.

"I don't know," Niall whispers. He pouts at his brother. "How'd'you always make friends with people?"

Louis looks confused for a moment before he shrugs. "I dunno. I - I just talk to 'em I guess."

"Oh." Niall rubs at his eyes. "Why can't I just do that?"

"You make friends too. Everybody likes you, Ni-Ni. You're just a little bit quiet sometimes, that's all."

"I wish I wasn't."

Louis just shrugs again. "I like you the way you are. And if anyone's ever mean to you about it, I'll beat 'em up."

Somehow, even with the tears staining his cheeks, Niall manages to feel a little better with his brother's words to reassure him.

*

"I asked for a chocolate milk, not a - a plain milk," Louis says, crossing his arms over his chest and slumping against his pillow, his sprained ankle wrapped in a bandage and propped up on a stack of cushions.

Niall, holding the glass of milk next to the bed, looks a little upset before he nods. "Okay. I'll ask Daddy to make it."

Louis nods, waiting for his brother to leave before he huffs, pouting to himself. He doesn't even look up when Papa pokes his head around the door and speaks to him.

"Lou, honey, isn't it about time you stopped running your poor brother off his feet? He hasn't stopped waiting on you all day," the man scolds lightly.

Louis glares up at the man. "He wants to. 'Sides, he's the one who tripped me over."

"By accident, Lou. C'mon, he's already beating himself up enough."

"Who else's gonna get me my chocolate milk?" He asks, pouting again.

Papa laughs at him at that, making his cheeks redden. "Let me and Daddy look after you, alright? Ni's apologised to you a hundred times over, now I think it's your turn."

Louis huffs, but gives a small nod because he knows his Papa is right. He has been being a bit mean to his brother; he knows Niall didn't trip him on purpose, they'd never hurt each other like that. He's just fed up and upset and mad because he's supposed to be playing a match right now and instead, he's stuck in bed with a swollen ankle and he's just looking for someone to blame.

"Okay. I'll say sorry," he grumbles.

His Papa smiles, moving to sit on the side of the bed and reaching out to ruffle Louis' hair. "Hey. I know this sucks, but you'll be all healed up in time for your next match. Me and your Dad can't wait to be there cheering you on. Neither can Ni and Haz."

He manages a small smile at that, glancing up to the door again when Niall enters holding a glass of chocolate milk this time. Papa stands from the bed and gives Louis a wink before leaving the room, squeezing Niall's shoulder on his way past.

Niall smiles wearily at Louis and holds the glass out to him. "Daddy put two whole scoops in so it's extra chocolatey," he says softly.

Louis takes the glass from him and sips it before setting it down on the bedside table. Then he wiggles across to the left side of the bed and pats his hand on the space he's just created.

Niall frowns, clearly confused.

"We can watch a movie if you want," Louis offers tentatively, gesturing to the TV on the wall of their bedroom.

His brother shifts from one foot to the other. "I don't know. Are you still mad at me?"

Louis pauses, then shakes his head. "No. It wasn't your fault anyway..." he trails off, then glances at the other boy with a small smile. "Sorry I made you do everything for me all day."

Niall offers a smile back, climbing onto the bed next to him and resting his head on his shoulder. "S'okay. I - I didn't mind, really, um, Daddy let me help make your sandwiches earlier and that was kinda fun."

"Yeah, but...I was being mean."

"It doesn't matter," Niall insists.

Louis huffs. "It does."

Niall pauses before he shrugs. "It doesn't matter now, though. Does your foot hurt still?" He changes the subject easily.

Louis smiles. "A little," he murmurs, before resting his cheek on top of Niall's head. "It wasn't your fault really. I know you didn't mean to."

"Papa told me you'll probably be able to play football again in a week."

"Yeah. Least I don't hafta go to practice for a while, I can just be lazy for a bit. But - but I won't ask you to do everything for me anymore. Promise."

Niall grins at that. "Okay. Good, 'cause I am kinda tired."

And as if testament to that statement, no more than ten minutes later, his brother is asleep on his shoulder, and Louis decides there and then that his brother is just too good sometimes.

He hopes he can be just like him someday.

_______________________________

ELEVEN YEARS OLD
On their first day of high school, Niall has his first real panic attack. He thinks he's okay at first, he's got Louis by his side like always - until he finds out that siblings are never in the same form group. That changes everything, because form group takes up an hour of each morning and that means it's an hour that he's going to dread first thing every day, which is going to make him feel anxious every time he has to go to school.

It's not just being without Louis that frightens him. It's the idea of not knowing anyone. And he's never been much good at making friends, he's too quiet and people assume that he's rude or weird or there's something off about him.

So, when he learns that he and Louis aren't going to be together for their first ever class of high school, he leaves his brother at the desk in the main office and barges into the nearest bathroom, locking himself into one of the toilet cubicles.

He isn't sure why he feels the need to be away from everybody, all he knows is that the whole world feels like it's closing in on him and he can't breath and his head is spinning and he doesn't want to do this, he wants to go back home where he's in his comfort zone and everything is safe.

He leans his back against the wall, legs feeling too weak to hold him up without the added assistance, one hand moving up to grip at his shirt over his chest as he tilts his head back in the hopes of making breathing easier.

Each exhale comes as a choked off sob followed by a wobbly sort of wheeze. He flinches a little when Louis calls out his name, barely managing to open the door because his hands are shaking so much.

Louis steps inside and shuts the door behind him, grabbing ahold of Niall's arms and peering at him with wide eyes. "What's the matter?"

Niall shakes his head and sucks in another wheeze of a breath. "Can't - breathe," he manages to say between heavy pants, tears of panic blurring his vision because he's sure he's dying - this has to be what dying feels like.

Louis looks alarmed. "What? What do you - you can breathe. Just - just calm down a little," he attempts.

"C-can't."

"You're freaking me out, Ni. Do - do you want me to call Dad or Papa to come get you?"

Niall sobs and shakes his head again, next breath stuttering in a way that makes him lightheaded, Louis holding onto him a little tighter. "No - no, I - I don't know w-what's wrong with me," he manages to say, and Louis frowns.

"There's nothing wrong with you, Ni-Ni. C'mon, just take a proper breath. All the way in," his brother instructs softly, and Niall tries his best to follow along, managing to actually swallow down some oxygen this time.

As soon as he stops feeling like he's suffocating, he moves his hands up to wipe at his face, trying to rid all evidence of his tears. He looks up at Louis and can't help but tear up all over again.

"S-sorry," he murmurs. "I - I can't do this, Lou."

"Do what?" Louis asks quietly, still holding onto his arms.

He shakes his head. "I - I don't know. Just - I don't know how to make friends w-without you. How are you s-so calm?"

Louis hesitates, then shrugs. "I don't know. I don't really get nervous like you, I guess. But it's okay. We're in the same class for everything else, it's just form. Everybody's gonna be new and worried about making friends and stuff. You'll be alright."

Niall rubs at his eyes again. "I won't," he whispers. "I won't, Lou, I - I feel like I'm gonna be sick and it's only the first day."

"Exactly, it's only the first day. You'll make friends easy, Ni, you're cool. I think you're the coolest -"

"You have to say that -"

"No, it's true! And you're really kind and caring, and you always look out for me and for Haz and for Luke too. Anyway, I always tell you this, if anybody says anything mean about you then I'll fight 'em."

Niall sniffs at that, managing a tiny smile and then shaking his head. "You're rubbish at fighting. Harry had you in a headlock yesterday."

Louis pouts. "I let him do that to make him feel better. 'Sides, you're missing the point. I won't let anyone pick on you, okay? So don't freak out."

He huffs a laugh. "I can't just turn it off," he mumbles, but smiles at his brother nonetheless. "Thanks Lou," he whispers.

Louis just shrugs, pulling him in for a hug. "Just don't forget how to breathe again. You kinda scared me."

"It scared me too," he murmurs, hugging his brother tighter.

After a few more minutes of calming down, Louis walks him to his form group before leaving to head to his own.

And it turns out, his brother had been right all along - because everyone else is just as nervous as he is and it turns out to be pretty easy to relate to the girl that he ends up sitting to.

It's the first panic attack of many, but Louis is almost always there to remind him how to breathe again afterwards.

*

When Louis starts skipping lunch to play football with a few of the other boys on the year seven team, it isn't really a big deal. And when one of the older boys, Jack, who's athletic and tall with long defined muscles pokes him in the stomach and makes a playful comment about 'puppy fat', it's just that - playful.

Except it plays on his mind a lot. Every time he eats, every time he walks past a mirror, every time he showers and has to see his bare body. Sometimes he stands in front of the bathroom mirror with just a towel around his waist and sees how much flesh he can grip on his stomach, his arms, his cheeks. He's not built the same as Jack and some of the other boys. He's short and he looks younger because his face is rounder and his body is soft, not toned and hard despite all the football he plays.

So his skipping lunch becomes intentional, and then breakfast joins lunch with being missed too. Then dinner comes around and most nights, he manages to restrain himself and only pick at the food on his plate. Other times, he goes back in for seconds and thirds and then grabs an extra helping of dessert and then keeps on eating until his stomach feels distended and he's about ready to burst. And then he feels so bad he could cry.

It's a horrible cycle; one that is both rewarding and punishing.

Still, he isn't trapped in it. When school lets out for the summer, he eventually falls back into his usual routine of eating when he's hungry and stopping when he's full, and by the time school starts back up again, he can eat easily without remembering Jack's comments.

But sometimes the thoughts are still there; sometimes he sees his body in the mirror when he's about to take a shower and he feels sick; sometimes he skips breakfast or lunch but then grows so hungry that he eats half the food in the kitchen come dinner time.

Sometimes isn't all the time though, so the issue is kind of brushed under the rug. Because it isn't an issue, and Louis thinks it'll go away on its own eventually.

Whenever eventually is.

*

Niall finally develops his first ever crush almost six months into starting high school. And it isn't a good feeling like he thinks it should be, because all it truly does is confuses him.

Because every time he sits beside Harley in Biology, his heart speeds up and he gets even more tongue-tied and flustered than usual, and it makes him question a lot about himself.

Of course, the first and only person he confides in about this is Louis. There's nobody else he feels safer trusting than his twin brother - and that sounds odd because his parents are obviously going to be accepting of him no matter what...he just isn't really sure about how he's feeling yet, and he's scared, and he always turns to Louis first when he's afraid.

He waits until the middle of the night before he rolls over to face Louis' bed. "You awake?"

Louis sighs. "No."

Niall feels his throat tighten. "I gotta talk to you about something, Lou."

His brother clearly hears it in his voice that he's upset, because he leans up on one elbow and peers at him with concerned eyes through the dark room. "What's wrong?"

"I don't..." he lets out a breath, feeling like he might start freaking out again like that first day of school in the bathroom. He rubs at his chest. "I think I..."

Louis sits up fully, pulling back his covers and preparing to get up. "Breathe properly, Ni," he says quickly, clearly worried about a repeat of the last time. "Do you want me to get Dad or Papa?"

Niall shakes his head, sitting up as well and rubbing at his eyes. "I - I think I like someone. Like...like-like someone," he admits quietly.

Louis grins then. "Is that it? Why're you freaking out? Who is it?"

"It's..." he trails off, rubbing at his eyes again. "Um. You - you know who I sit by in Biology?"

Louis pauses, then nods. "Yeah. Harley, right?" Then he stops, before he grins again. "No way! Does he know? Have you told him?"

That takes Niall by surprise. He grips at his covers and looks down. "No. He'll think I'm weird," he whispers.

"Weird?" Louis sounds confused now. "Why would he think you're weird?"

"Because I'm a boy, Lou, and - and he's a boy."

"So are Dad and Papa. Nobody thinks they're weird."

"Some people do," he argues softly. "And - and I don't even - I haven't ever liked anybody, ever, not girls or boys til now. Maybe...maybe I'll like girls when we get older."

Louis shrugs. "Maybe. It's okay either way, long as you're happy."

Niall manages a small smile at that, sniffing. He nods. "M'not gonna tell Harley though. I - I don't wanna like, go out with him or anything. I just think he's nice and...and I like his smile a lot," he admits, making his brother grin. "But I wanna be friends with him, that's all."

Louis laughs. "For now," he teases, then huffs. "I thought something really bad was happening...do you feel better now?"

"A little," he murmurs. "Can I bunk with you tonight?" He asks softly, something he and Lou haven't done for a little while but will tend to do whenever one of them needs the comfort.

Louis just wiggles across on his bed and pats the space made, and Niall doesn't hesitate before getting out of his own bed and getting in next to his brother, rolling onto his side so that they're facing each other.

"I love you no matter what, Ni."

Niall's anxiety almost entirely dissipates at that. He lets out a breath and smiles, eyes fluttering closed.

He supposes that, so long as his brother always has his back, nothing will truly be as hard as it could be.

_______________________________

TWELVE YEARS OLD
Louis' issues with eating make an appearance with a whole new level of vigour not long after his and Niall's twelfth birthday party. And this time around, he can't just start eating normally again when he's had enough with trying to lose weight.

This time, he's not in control. It controls him. It's like he wants to eat, he's so hungry he could eat non stop for hours and hours - but when the food is in front of him, he can't bring himself to do more than take a few meagre bites.

And as hard as he tries to cover up his habits, they don't escape Niall's notice.

His brother doesn't mention anything to him until late one evening. Louis is laying on his bed, hungry and tired and lacking the energy to get up and do anything at all, whilst Niall is changing into his pyjamas on his side of the room.

Louis can't help but feel jealous when his brother bends over to grab his pyjama shirt off of the floor and his spine naturally pokes out. He looks away quickly when Niall glances over at him, sighing.

It just isn't fair. No matter how long he goes hungry for, he still sees himself as a chubby kid with baby fat on his cheeks; yet Niall eats whatever he wants whenever he wants and he doesn't play football or exercise the way Louis does, and he's still so...small.

He jumps a little when his bed dips, rolling onto his back and frowning up at his brother's concerned expression.

Immediately, he feels defensive. "What?" He asks, pushing himself up to sit against his pillows.

Niall hesitates, opening his mouth and then closing it again before he shrugs, twisting his hands together in his lap the way he does when he's anxious. "I just - you barely ate at dinner again. And you gave Luke your sandwich at lunch. You skipped breakfast like you always do lately -"

"What are you on about?" Louis asks, heart pounding.

Niall chews his lip. "Just...are you okay?" He asks quietly. "I mean - I - you got upset when I walked in on you getting changed the other day, and you wouldn't normally care, and I - Lou. You - you look kinda skinny. Skinnier. I heard Dad talking to Papa about you and he's worried too, but they just think you're gonna have a growth spurt. But I know that's not it."

Louis grits his teeth, then, without warning, he finds himself bursting into tears. Immediately, Niall has his arms wrapped around him, crying quietly too because they've never been able to see each other cry without shedding tears of their own.

"I'm - I don't know how - th-there's something wrong me, Ni, I don't know h-how to stop," he sobs, clutching at his brothers back, unused to things being this way around.

Niall grips him tighter. "What - what is it? Why haven't you been eating? I thought - maybe you were sick, or -"

"I - you eat good a-and you don't get fat. But it's like - it's like I don't eat and I still look like this," he whispers. "And I wanna eat like n-normal again but - but I can't. It's - it's like being scared, Ni, and that's s-so stupid 'cause I - I shouldn't be scared of food. That's - I'm - there's something wrong with me," he sobs.

His brother stays quiet at that, hugging him as hard as possible and rubbing his back softly. After a moment filled only by Louis' soft cries, Niall speaks gently. "You're not fat, Lou. You're - you're skinnier than me. Maybe even skinnier than Haz. But - but even if you were fat, it wouldn't matter. It's not a bad thing. I love you no matter what...but you look kinda sick now. A-and if you're not eatin' good, you could get really sick, Lou. People die from not eating."

Louis cries a little harder then, because he doesn't want to get sick or to die, but nonetheless, there's a part of him that thinks it would be worth it to be skinny. And that's so messed up, he knows it is, so he doesn't argue and continues to sob.

And Niall just holds onto him and whispers sweetly to him all the while, and once Louis cries turn to sniffles which turn to easy breaths, Niall holds both of his hands and looks at him with the kindest of eyes.

"We gotta speak to Dad and Papa 'bout this, Lou. I - I love you and I wanna help but - but I don't know how," he murmurs, looking so sad that Louis feels a million times worse for causing it. "Dad and Papa'll know how to make it better. They will."

Louis chews his lip, that horrible little voice in his mind screaming at him not to tell his parents because they'll force him to eat again, they'll force him to gain any weight he's lost and then he'll hate himself even more.

But the look on his brothers face is enough for him to ignore that voice for once. He slowly nods, pulling Niall into another tight hug which is returned full forced.

"I don't want you to disappear on me, Lou," Niall whispers into his shoulder.

Louis squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head. "I won't, Ni. I promise I won't."

_______________________________

THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
The promise is harder to stick to than Louis cares to admit. Dad and Papa take him to a doctor, who refers him to a therapist, who tells him that he has an eating disorder. She doesn't say which type, just that it's a disorder - which, weirdly, makes it easier for a while because having a name for it is almost like proof. Proof that he's sick and that he's got an illness and that his hard work and his hunger has paid off.

Another messed up thing.
His therapist, Rachel, creates a care plan with him. She gives him rules that include no exercise, complete rest throughout the day as much as possible, eating a solid three meals and three snacks a day and having to be in the same room as his parents for at least an hour afterward.

So, basically, hell.

Surprisingly, though, giving up football is a lot easier than he'd thought. Truth is, he'd kinda given up on it a long time ago but he hadn't wanted to disappoint his Papa - so it comes as a relief more than anything when he's specifically told that he has to leave the team (and all the 'harmless' comments from his teammates behind).

And over time, he enters what Rachel calls an 'all in' kind of recovery. His appetite increases over time, he eats a lot and he gradually feels less and less guilty after each meal. He gains more energy and more motivation to get up and do things he'd forced himself to miss out on in order to focus on his eating disorder before, and he becomes less emotional.

So he truly believes he's fully recovered.

And then, a few months in, he slips up one time when his Dad tells him how 'healthy' he looks (and of course, that evil little voice in his mind somehow translates 'healthy' into 'huge') and that little slip up turns into a downward spiral - and he loses all the weight he gained back and maybe even a little more.

A month or two of this and Rachel along with his brothers and parents manage to get through to him again, and he starts to recover once more.

The cycle repeats itself several times over a year. One time it gets so bad that he spends a night in the hospital after passing out and the staff there threaten him with NG tubes and inpatient facilities, and that kicks him out of the disordered mindset for a little while.

But things get better. Each relapse becomes easier to overcome, and eventually, he learns to recognise the signs of his disorder making a reappearance before he's in the deep. And when he recognises those signs, the first person he always goes to is Niall, because he's the person he knows will judge him the least - Dad and Papa are incredible but they're adults, he and Niall know each other on a different sort of level being twins.

On the hard days, Niall seems to know without anything being said that he's having a rough time, and he reassures him in subtle ways during meal times so that Louis doesn't get embarrassed, and of a night, he'll climb into Louis' bed and they'll talk about what's stressing him out until he feels a lot lighter.

And on the good days, Niall is still right there by his side. Through thick and thin, just like they've always been.

And at some point, he's well enough to be discharged from his care team and the eating disorder sort of takes a backseat, only rearing it's horrible head every once in a while only to be shot down again.

And Louis thinks that maybe that 'eventually' he's been waiting for is actually on the horizon. He knows it'd be far out of sight if it wasn't for Niall.

*

When the twins are invited to fifteen year old Jacob Jenkins' house party, they decide to lie to their parents about sleeping over at Luke's house so that they can go. Technically, it's only Louis that's formally invited since they were on the football team together, but everyone else is bringing plus ones so Louis all but begs Niall to go.

And Niall, begrudgingly, agrees. If only to look out for his brother then nothing else. He lets Lou do all the talking when it comes to asking their Dad and Papa if they can sleep over at Luke's house on Friday since he's never been a good liar, and of course, they've been going to Luke's house since they were five years old, their parents say yes without much question.

So they show up to Jacob's house and it's wild. Niall has to fight to keep his anxiety in check before they've even gotten inside, because there are people throwing up on the front lawn and the music is deafening from the end of the driveway, and it seems like half the teenagers in the country are here.

But Lou, ever the more confident of the two of them even with his rubbish body image, leads him inside and chats to everybody they squeeze past in the hallways along the way until they reach the large kitchen where there are bottles and cans of alcohol filling the counters and the island along with a bowl filled with something bright pink and a stack of red cups.

Louis grins at him and swipes a can of something, reading the label before shrugging and opening it. Niall gapes at his brother, cheeks turning pink and heart thudding.

"Lou!" He hisses. "What are you doing?"

Louis rolls his eyes. "I'm drinking a cider, Ni. Everybody else's drinking...besides, when else are we gonna get to try alcohol?"

Niall wrinkles his nose as someone barges into them and then stumbles off into the dimly lit living room where the music is loudest and everyone is cramped together, dancing. "I dunno, Lou, maybe when we're eighteen and it's legal."

"C'mon. It's fine, just - just try a sip," Louis says, then pauses before backtracking. "Wait, no pressure though. If you really don't want to then you don't have to, I don't wanna force you to. But I'm gonna have a couple."

Niall hesitates, chewing his lip. He doesn't want Louis to drink. He doesn't think he should - he's still not weight restored yet, and he's pretty sure that means he'll get drunk easy. On the other hand, he doesn't want to be the odd one out.

But overall, if Lou's drinking, then it's up to him to keep him out of trouble.

He shrugs, reaching towards the ladle in the punch bowl. "I'll - I'll just have some of this," he says, pouring it into a cup and then taking a tentative sip to find that it's just juice.

Louis smiles at him. "Okay, cool. Wanna go out there?" He gestures to the crowded living room.

Niall sighs. "Not really, but you're gonna take me anyway, I guess," he mutters, allowing his brother to lead him out into the overly loud room.

He loses him somewhere along the line, everybody's sweaty body's pressed up close. He peers through the darkness but the flashing lights don't aid in his search, so he pushes his panic aside in place of logic, deciding to step out of the room and wait near the doorway so that he'll catch his brother the moment he tries to leave.

When he steps out into the hall, however, somebody bumps into him and he finds himself stumbling back a step. A hand catches his arm and after a moment, he glances up at the handsome face of a boy he recognises as being in year eleven  at school. He's one of the popular ones, dark haired and blue eyed, tall and handsome.

Niall finds himself blushing a little immediately. "Um, sorry, I was just - sorry," he stammers, preparing to simply brush past the guy and wait for his brother a little further along the hall.

But the older boy stops him, smiling. "Hey, you're, uhhh - you have a twin brother, right?"

Swallowing nervously, Niall nods. "Yeah. Yeah, Lou. He was on the football team for a while."

"That's right, with my brother," the guy nods, grinning. He keeps his hand on Niall's arm and Niall can't help but get butterflies because a handsome, popular guy is talking to him. Stuff like this never happens. "I'm Ben, by the way."

Niall smiles. "Oh. I - I'm Niall," he says quickly, cheeks flushing further at his own stuttering.

Ben smirks. "Cute. You need another drink?" He asks, gesturing to the cup of punch that he's barely drank half of.

He shakes his head. "Oh, I'm good with this one for now."

"Aww, drink that one up and I'll go grab us both another. I mean, I owe it to you, I did accidentally knock half of that outta the cup running into you back there."

And even though he planned on waiting for Lou in the hall, he figures that he'll see his brother from the kitchen if he passes by anyway, so he smiles and nods, doing as Ben had said and quickly chugging the rest of his drink down, shuddering a little when it seems bitter towards the end.

Ben chats light-heartedly to him whilst he pours them some more punch, and for the first time ever, Niall finds conversation quite easy. When Ben hands him the red cup of pink, sparkly liquid, he takes it without question, laughing at something the older boy says.

At some point, they move out into the hallway again, and Niall's not sure what they're talking about but he doesn't care much, because everything is spinny and light and nothing matters or makes any sense. At some point, his knees almost give out and Ben catches him, one strong arm wrapped around his waist and the other plucking his drink out of his hand and setting it down somewhere before coming up to rest on his chest.

"Woah. Think you've had a bit much, sweetheart," the boy says, and Niall doesn't even blush at the pet name because the hall is spinning too fast and he's beginning to feel a little sick. Ben pays him no mind, guiding him on stumbling legs towards the staircase. "Wanna lay down and try sleeping it off?"

And Niall knows he shouldn't sleep here - he and Lou are meant to be sleeping at Luke's - but all that seems far away and irrelevant so he mumbles something that even he can't decipher and nods sluggishly. Sleep sounds nice. It sounds more than nice.

Ben chuckles and holds onto him all the way up the stairs and into one of the rooms. A bedroom, it turns out, with a large bed in the centre and a huge window covered by long curtains that drape all the way to the floor.

"Whose r'm's this?" He slurs, frowning when his words don't come out the way that he intends for them to. He swallows, mouth dry, trying to resist a little when Ben begins to lead him over to the bed, some sort of sense coming back to him as he shakes his head. "I - no - I gotta - my brother," is all he can say, but Ben just shakes his head and pushes him down onto the bed more than a little forcefully.

Niall blinks up at him as the room sways horribly around them, frowning in confusion at the serious look in the bigger boys face - his brows are narrowed and his eyes look dark and weird.

He feels uncomfortable all of a sudden and he wants out. He pushes himself up off of his back on wobbly arms, about to swing his legs off of the side of the mattress. "Gotta -"

Ben straddles him out of nowhere, his larger body pinning Niall to the bed by his thighs, shaking his head and holding a hand up to Niall's mouth. "You don't 'gotta' do anything. Just relax, okay?"

Realisation of what's happening here occurring to him, Niall shakes his head, panic swelling in his chest and his throat, eyes beginning to sting. Feebly, he tries to shove the boy by the chest to get him off but of course, in his current state, that doesn't do much except make Ben scoff.

"Shh. Close your eyes," he whispers, but Niall shakes his head desperately.

"No. No, I - no - I need to go. Get off," he says as strongly as he can manage, but Ben ignores him altogether this time and pushes him by the shoulders until he's laid flat on his back.

And then there are lips on his and Niall feels like his can't breathe, squirming and kicking out beneath Ben's stronger body. The older boy moves his lips to Niall's neck, and then his hands move lower and lower until they brush over the front of Niall's jeans, and in a moment of immense panic, one of Niall's knees strikes gold.

He knees Ben in the groin, and the moment the fifteen year old weakens in pain, Niall manages to shove him off, everything moving so fast that his fear is entirely replaced by adrenaline.

He's glad the door doesn't have a lock on it, yanking it open and almost falling into the wall of the hallway outside immediately. He quickly catches himself and runs through the crowds of teenagers making out and drinking, managing to make it down the stairs without falling and breaking his neck somehow.

And by some sort of miracle, the first person he runs into in the hall is his brother.

Louis' initial reaction is a wide eyed laugh of relief as his hands grasp at the tops of Niall's arms. "Ni! Thank god, I've been looking for you everywhe -" he stops abruptly, mid-word.

Niall is still catching his breath, but he sees the moment Louis' eyes narrow.

"Are you drunk?" He asks, seemingly more concerned than surprised.

Reaching out a hand to grapple at the front of his brothers shirt to steady himself from swaying, Niall shakes his head, the music too loud and everything too bright and - and so spinny - he just wants to leave. "Wanna go. Please."

And Louis, bless his soul, doesn't argue or ask any questions. He just nods immediately and steadies his brother with a hand on his back and the other holding onto his nearest arm. "Alright. Okay, let's get to Luke's. It's only 'round the corner, okay? And - um - we'll grab a glass of water on our way out. That's supposed to help, right?"

Niall doesn't answer but he knows Louis doesn't expect him to. By the time they're halfway down the streetlight lit road after he's finished off a whole two cups of cold water, the panic is subsiding a little.

He glances over his shoulder to make sure Ben isn't following them before he looks back to Louis, his brother's eyes full of questions.

"I thought you were just gonna drink the punch," Louis says softly.

Niall's bottom lip wobbles and he quickly shakes his head. "I di'n't drink, Lou. I - no, I - promise I di'n't," he slurs, and Louis eyes him in concern for a second before he nods slowly.

"It's okay. I believe you," the other thirteen year old says softly, and Niall knows he's being honest, not just agreeing with him to appease him.

Before any further questions can be asked, Niall finds himself missing a chunk of time before he's throwing up in the bushes further down the street, Louis rubbing his back and whispering to him whilst he sobs around each gag.

When he's all done, Louis uses his own sleeve to wipe at Niall's mouth and Niall wonders what he ever did to deserve someone as good as his brother.

Louis smiles at him, eyes worried. "Where'd you go when I lost you in there?" He asks gently, hesitantly.

Niall's sees himself, pinned down on the bed by someone stronger and taller and older than him, feels them kissing and biting at his neck, their hands trailing down and down and down -

And he shakes his head abruptly. "Nowhere, Lou," he chokes out, vision blurred with tears. "I - I was jus' lookin' f'you, the whole time."

*

It's no lie that the twins can't keep secrets from each other. It's only a week after the party when the truth spills out. Niall wakes in the middle of the night from another nightmare, crying out as he sits up and shoves his heavy covers off of himself, taking a moment to realise that he's here and not there.

Once he becomes aware of his surroundings, he feels the hot tears on his cheeks and the tightness in his chest, and when he glances across to his brothers bed, Louis is sitting up and looking at him with a frown.

"That's the third one this week," Lou says softly.

Niall bites on his bottom lip to hold in a sob. "I'm fine, Lou," he murmurs, lifting a hand to quickly swipe at his eyes. He swallows and shakes his head, forcing a strained laugh. "I don't even - don't even remember what I was dreaming about."

Louis stares at him. "Ni. What's going on?"

"Nothing," he says, but his voice wobbles and that gives him away really. "I don't -" he swallows again, but he can't hold back the sob that follows this time.

Immediately, Louis is sitting next to him, a hand on his back, peering at him in concern.

"Just - that - that party -" he stops, knowing that he has to say it, that he can't keep pretending that it didn't almost happen. "There - this guy, um, Ben, his - his younger brother was in the team with you. He - Ben - he -"

"Ni. Take a breath," Louis says softly.

Niall manages to comply, sucking in a small inhale and then carrying on. "He - I think he maybe - well, I was normal. I wasn't drunk, and - and then I was, but I only had one drink and then a few sips of one that - that he made for me," he murmurs.

Louis frowns, then his eyes widen a little. "You think he put something in your drink?" He asks.

He shrugs. "I - maybe? It - it was kinda like - I couldn't move right? And nothing made sense, and he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs and - and I said yes because I thought...I don't know what I thought. I didn't think he was taking me up there for that, Lou, I didn't think he wanted that," his voice breaks into sobs and Louis pulls him into a hug as he cries.

With his head tucked into Louis' chest, he can hear how quickly the other boys heart is beating.

"Ni," Louis whispers. "Did he - I mean - did you -"

He shakes his head quickly, sniffing and trying to swallow down his sobs. "No! N-no, I didn't - that never -" he pulls back and tries to dry his eyes. "No. He - he was on top of me and he - he wouldn't let me up. He tried to - he tried - but Lou, I kicked him and ran. I got away before he could do anything, I got away, Lou, I got away."

He burst into fresh tears then and Louis holds onto him. "You got away," his brother repeats, and Niall clings at his back, face buried into Louis' shoulder. "Do Dad and Papa know?"

Niall pulls back and shakes his head, panic griping his chest. "No. No, Lou, I - we can't tell them, they'll know we went to the party and -"

"Ni, it was me who forced you to go. I don't care if I get into trouble. Dad and Papa have to know so they can, I don't know, report Ben to the school or something -"

"I don't want that. Nothing happened, Lou, he - he was drunk, so -"

Louis sighs. "Ni. It almost happened. He'll try again with someone else and they might not get away. We have to tell them."

Niall rubs at his eyes. "Everyone's gonna know. It's - it's embarrassing, Lou."

"Yeah, for him. He's the one who should be embarrassed, he's so desperate he drugs people - he's an asshole. But they won't have to know it's you who reported him. Dad and Papa could ask the school to keep it anonymous."

Knowing that his brother has a point about Ben possible striking again, he manages a shallow breath and a tiny nod. "Okay. Okay, just - you'll tell 'em with me?" he whispers.

Louis nods without pause. "Course I will, Ni-Ni," he says softly, smiling at him. "You okay?"

And truthfully, he isn't. But with Louis there by him, he knows that he will be.

_______________________________

FOURTEEN YEARS OLD
Ben becomes a memory of the past somewhere over the year that follows the party. Nobody outside of their family and Ben's family know about what happened at that party, and the last Louis heard, Ben was in therapy and in some boarding school or something. Either way, nowhere near him and Niall, thankfully.

And for a while, things are normal. Weirdly so, actually, considering all the drama that seems to have taken over their lives in the past couple of years. For once, they settle into a comfortable sort of routine where Louis' eating disorder takes a full hike, Niall's anxiety becomes more manageable, and all they have to worry about is homework and exams and friendship drama at school.

Louis vows to make the most of it while it lasts. Because god only knows it won't.

_______________________________

FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
Niall feels awful. His back aches and his limbs feel heavy and he's so tired. Even Dad and Papa don't question him when he tells them he's going to bed early, so he supposes he must look as bad as he feels.

Either way, he finds himself curled up beneath his covers at barely seven pm after picking at his dinner, warm and shivery, knowing that he must be coming down with something, again.

But still, his immune system has always been trash, so he tugs his covers up over his head, rolls over to face the wall next to his bed, and tries to fall to sleep - because he's sure it's nothing. It's always nothing.

[Spoiler, this time, it isn't nothing].

____________________

NEXT UP
I WAS RUNNING FAR AWAY [WOULD I RUN OFF THE WORLD SOMEDAY]
A fic where Liam and Zayn adopted Harry when he was born; when he turns fifteen, they adopt nine year old twins Louis and Niall to complete their family. They come from a physically and mentally abusive background, and both have PTSD and anxiety; they're both quiet and mostly only speak to each other. After living with their new family for a while, the boys decide to run away.