~Jesse's perspective~
I wake up to the sound of a heart beat... against my cheek? I open my eyes and see his peaceful face, his arms wrapped around me. Oh my god. I look at the clock on the night stand. 7:30. Should I go back to sleep? I kind of just want to keep resting my head onto his chest, hearing his soft heart beat. *Dook-dook, dook-dook*... So peaceful, so calming, so... comforting. *dook-dook, dook-dook* I am actually not tired for the first time in months. I remember feeling like this when I first woke up with Jolein on my chest. She must have also felt my heartbeat when she woke up... I look up at Rob's face. A ray of sun makes his skin glow softly. The kind of glow that doesn't come from any cosmetic products, just the beauty inside being reflected to the outside world, as if a mix of diamond and gold is underneath your skin, trying to shine through. I should really get better curtains for this room.
Did Jolein ever look up to my face? Did she ever feel my heart beat underneath her chin while her eyes were exploring my face? It is not the most flattering angle... I think she must have done this. And now I am doing it, to another man. I lay my ear on his chest. *Dook-dook, dook-dook*... The sweet compliments about my culinary skills ring in my ear.
"No, but seriously, how did you even do this? I saw us burn the vegetables and now they taste delicious? How did you do that?"
"Years and years of practice... You have to work with what you got sometimes if you have a busy job and three kids."
"No, no I'm convinced you have to be some kind of culinary mastermind to do this!"
I smile as I hear his laughter in my mind. *Dook-dook, dook-dook*
He's sitting on my couch... on MY couch! And I am sitting next to him! HIM! And we are watching a movie... what should I do? Should I pull the old 'I'm yawning and putting my arm around you'? Should I edge closer? I don't know... Just bring him some tea, to calm yourself down...
*dook-dook, dook-dook*
He is starting to fall asleep... Am I tiring him? His head is slumped towards me, it will be on my shoulder soon. My heart races. I could put my arm around him... But what would I do when he wakes up. He might be confused, he might just have fallen asleep, he might not want to...
*dook-dook, dook-dook*
Rob moves in his sleep, his hands rises and knits into my hair. The panic that I felt yesterday rises again. What happens if he wakes up? Even though I know I might never feel it again, I try to get out of the comfortableness. I regret every move I make... especially when I feel him move too. I freeze and look up. His eyes are open. His arms drop.
"Sorry.."
"Goodmorning.... I just wanted to uhh.. make some breakfast."
Is that... disappointment?
"What time is it?"
"7.42."
"Mmm, what are you making?"
"Uhhh, I think I still have some American pancakes.."
"Sounds...good..."
He yawns and I roll out of his arms.
"Man, I didn't even realize I fell asleep there..."
"Hmm? Oh it's fine. It's nice to hug someone at night I guess."
He chuckles. As he looks up, I feel the extreme urge to kiss him. The way his eyes move up is just...
"How did you sleep?"
"Pretty great, considering I had a hard time breathing with somebody sleeping on my respiratory organs. And you?"
"I slept better than I did in a long time. But if it was such a big problem you could've just moved?"
There. The question was on the table. This was his chance to explain himself. The clock hits 7:44.
"I don't know man, I also fell asleep. And it's kinda hard to get someone off when there sleeping... Bodies are heavier than you think.."
Shit, that made so much sense. I want, no I need to get out of this bed. Away from the embarrassment of thinking there would be something between us. I get out of bed and walk towards the door. I look back and see him snuggled up in bed. He is so cute... what if I just walked back and snuggle him to death?
"I'm just quickly gonna get dressed and make some breakfast."
He smiles. Fuck, that smile is too adorable. My heart almost explodes.
"That's okay, I'll be down in a sec."
I walk out the door and carefully shut it. When the handle comes up I let out a deep breath.
Shit. Fuck. My bathroom is hot. I throw water on my face and look myself in the eye. This is the face of a man who walked into his crush's room crying, got comforted by him, fell asleep and woke up in his arms and still did not try to make a move.
I should get back there and tell him how I feel.
I am almost prepared to do it, but then I remember him apologizing for holding me. "..sleeping on my respiratory organs." He saw me as a burden. I grab a new pair of underwear out of my drawer and throw on some pants. My hands are shaking so much that the buttons of my shirt slip through my fingers, so I leave the top ones undone. I roll up the sleeves and quickly roll the collar down. A little bit of water will fix my hair. I hope.
The pancakes are almost done when I hear him come down the stairs. I turn around and see him wearing my hoodie. Oh fuck. My heart races and I am dumbfounded.
"I'm sorry. It was comfortable, is it okay if I wear it?"
"Oh- uhh.. yeah, go... ahead." I turn around to hide my blush and my nervousness. He's wearing my hoodie. He picked my clothes over his. I flip the last pancake out of the pan. I try not to look at him too much as I put down the plate of pancakes, but fail when the ceramic hits the table. His eyes dance downwards.
"Your collar.."
His hands reach out.
"May I?"
I smile, remembering how I asked him the same thing yesterday.
"Of course."
I expected him to straighten out the fabric, but I should've thought about the "straight" part. His fingers moved my collar into a kind of messy half up.
"If you're going for the casual-chic look you should include the collar." My eyes move from his fingers to his eyes. They're focused on my collar, such an intense stare... It is the same stare he has when he's concentrating on a speech, or when he's interested. They keep the same look as they stare into mine.
Then his eyes move up again... I get the first real close-up of his eyes. They are dark, very dark. It makes me feel like I am falling, as if I am wandering through a maze, trying to understand him... It reminds me of a nice cup of coffee when you wake up, or the chocolates you give to someone when you love them. And somehow... they feel like home...
Coffee, we don't have any coffee yet.
"Thanks, I didn't pay attention when I rolled it down... You want some coffee?"
"Yes please." I turn around, hoping he does not notice the blood pumping through my cheeks.
~Rob's perspective~
He is killing me. I look at his back as I hear the coffee machine hums. He was so close, he had been looking at my face, for Christ's sake! And he pulled away. And now he's making me coffee.
Maybe it is better this way. Maybe I should not hope for him to do anything. He is going through a divorce, his feelings are probably all over the place. Acting upon them would be manipulative. And it is not like my feelings are all in order. I also feel lonely, I also crave for his touch.
I have been bottling up these feelings since 2007, since that fateful day we met as young and dumb 20-year-olds. Feeling like we were on the top of the world. Only growing stronger as we both rose to become the leader of our youth organisations. All those drunk late nights, hanging out, those moments when our eyes lingered on each other for just a bit too long.
But then, that one night in 2010. Still the most confusing night of my life. It was late and we had been off drinking somewhere. In our boozy state Jesse and I somehow left our group behind and we were walking down the boulevard in Scheveningen.
The street lights shine on the newly renovated part of the boulevard that is open. In the distance you can hear the soft murmur of the sea hitting the shore and moving back in on itself. Little lights of ships blink in the distance as we stumble down the pavement.
"I can not wait to be a part of the parliament, I'M THE BEST POLITICIAN IN THE WORLD!"
"Shhh not so loud." I giggle as I pull on his arm, ordering him to be silent. Somewhere in the distance, I hear people singing aloud to California Girls by Katy Perry.
"You watch my words, I am going to become prime minister."
"Then you're gonna have to beat me." He stops in his tracks and turns around. His face is a mix of amusement and surprise. He walks towards me and lingers over me. When he is about three centimeters from my face he looks me in the eye and whispers
"Are you really going up against me?"
Every part of my body is burning as I look into his eyes. If only he knew what he does to me. But I stay put and look him right back.
"Yes, a very easy opponent." I giggle again when I suddenly feel his hand in mine, and before I know it I am being pulled down the ramp, toward the sand.
"Where are we going?" I just hear him laugh as we move down the beach. We slow down, and just as I want to catch my breath I get picked up and swung around through the air.
"Jesse stop!" but I do not want him to stop. I can feel his arms around my waist while I hold on to him so tightly out of fear of falling off. But this is the closest I have been to him, and I never want the moment to end.
My feet hit the ground again and we almost tumble over. When I look into his eyes we still have our arms around each other. This is it. This is the moment I tell him. But he starts talking first.
"I am so glad that I met you."
"I am glad I met you too." my heart is racing as I wait for his next words.
"You know Rob..." his face suddenly turns pale and he lets go of me.
"Jesse, what's wrong?" he turns around and I hear the sound of vomit hitting the sand. Shit.
"Come on, let's get you home."
The memories are slightly blurry, almost like a dream that you can not quite place, but the feeling I remember all too well. The disappointment of not being able to express how I felt, the absolute radio silence from him for two weeks after that, and then suddenly the news. He met someone again, someone he had known when he was four. Someone he had not seen in twenty years. It was her. His future wife, the mother of his children. And I was left with every emotion for twelve years.
Twelve long years, and now he's doing this? Inviting me for breakfast, having me over for dinner, falling asleep in my arms, making me breakfast, and now looking at me like THAT? He was watching me while I was fixing his collar. You don't do that when you're just friends, right? Maybe I'm overthinking it. And why do I want anything to happen? It would make it so much more complicated, and I wouldn't know what to do. Maybe it's better this way... definitely better this way.
But then he turns around.
"Any milk or sugar?"
"Oh, no it's fine."
My eyes drop to the liquid in the mug. It's the same color as his eyes. I try to shake it off, but when I look back up I meet them again. No- it isn't meant to be. It was never meant to be. Otherwise, we would have confessed everything at that beach. We would have been the Romeo and Juliet story of the parliament, but instead, I ran away. I ran away to ProRail. Away from Jesse and everything I had built up. Yes, I did stay close to politics, hoping there would be any opportunity to go back.
But we didn't get the opportunity. He got married and had children. I found myself a partner, and a dog, Muja. Basically my child. We've lost our opportunity. We have passed the time where he and I could be a thing. The man across the table could not be more than a friend, a colleague, my colleague. The suggestive looks didn't matter, it was all just a game. And besides, he was straight, and you can't change someone's sexuality. It was never meant to be...