"So Lana wanted to meet up at McDonalds, and I was all like, 'Girl! You. Dumped. Me!' Then she apologised. And apparently she really needs help with her Maths homework."
Jeong-Soon sighs, playfully rolling his eyes at his best friend. "Let me guess, you're meeting up with Lana Delgado at McDonalds."
"I am meeting up with Lana Delgado at McDonalds," Dillon declares giddily, and Jeong-Soon desperately tries to hide his exasperation.
"You never help me with my Maths homework."
"Lana has hips. Do you have hips?" Dillon reaches over, teasingly swatting the stick-straight bones Jeong-Soon has in place of an actual waist through his oversized t-shirt. Jeong-Soon bursts out giggling at that, clutching his stomach as his free hand closes around the classroom's doorknob and twists it open.
He walks in. His laughter stops, calando in his suddenly too-tight throat. He freezes in place, heart pounding a mile a second, reaching, reaching, reaching, out to the slouching boy who has somehow managed to end up in Jeong-Soon's seat.
It's then that Jeong-Soon realises exactly who the new boy Sully had told him about is. And that he's in very, very deep shit.
Dillon shoves him aside gently, clearing him out of the entrance so their classmates can file in. "What's wrong? You look like you've just seen a ghost." Dillon's eyes land on the boy occupying Jeong-Soon's chair. "We have a new kid? How come no one told me?"
Jeong-Soon doesn't answer---he can't. Not when his eyes are locked on the new kid like a trained sniper's rifle. Not when his lips are sealed shut with fear, dreading the other boy's anger. Not when his heart still beats to Gregory Gan's tune.
Something catty grips him, swelling in his chest like a tsunami held back for too long. Jeong-Soon slaps on his plastic face, twisting his mouth in the most casual grin he can muster. He saunters straight up to his seat and gently taps Gregory on the shoulder. "Excuse me," he says. Not too loud, not too soft. Enough to prove a point, but not enough to set free the turmoil of emotions swirling inside him. Mezzo forte.
Jeong-Soon relishes the shock and horror painted across Gregory's face when he turns around. He relishes the way his height pulls him far above Gregory's head. He relishes how he, for once, has the higher ground.
"No---you---" Gregory ducks his head down. "Fuck," he mutters. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."
"Hey. Looks like we're classmates," Jeong-Soon declares in his cheeriest tone. He forces a little iron into his smile. Loaded with false happiness. Sharp as a knife. "You're in my seat."
"Fuck," Gregory repeats, frantically grabbing at his backpack. The world shifts, and scarlet clouds Jeong-Soon's mind. He wants to hate him.
He wants to hate Gregory Gan so badly it hurts.
Jeong-Soon turns to his best friend, who's watching the scene unfold with his usual interest. He lets pettiness wrap around his soul, riding high on the wave of power he'd tumbled through earlier, allowing bitterness to infest his words. "This is the guy I was telling you about," he states, loud enough for most of his classmates to hear. "You know, the one who insulted all of us for zero reason in music class."
From the back, Jeong-Soon notices Sully shaking his head, a motion so quick he almost misses it. A simple warning. A small I told you so.
Dillon shudders, plopping down in his chair. "That guy, huh?"
Jeong-Soon inclines his head towards the back of the class, where Gregory has settled into the desk in the corner. He throws him a victorious smirk, a movement so out of character for him that it kills him inside to do it. He sees the way Gregory's obsidian eyes light up with hellfire, strong and dark and angry. And then comes the sneer. A hurricane of contempt. A bottle of spite. A pistol of rage.
Jeong-Soon feels his heart shatter.
Still, he refuses to give in. Instead, he cleans up the fragments just like he'd done two years ago, sitting on a cold park bench with nothing but his tears for company. Gregory Gan doesn't deserve any of him. Not even a splinter. His pulse is just a flicker now, an almost imperceptible sigh. Pianissimo.
But it's there, and it wants to live.
Jeong-Soon sits back and forces it to drown in the melancholy greys of a Monday morning, killing his heart until it no longer beats---for him, for Gregory, for anyone.
With that, Jeong-Soon lets himself die---once, twice, over and over again.
٩( ᐛ )و
Word spreads fast in Bailey.
That much is evident by the way Gregory Gan is sitting alone by the time lunch hour rolls around. Jeong-Soon spots him heading to the back of the cafeteria---to the empty table right next to the trash cans, the table everyone never sits at---ever-present scowl affixed upon his face.
He hasn't drunk in the sight for more than a minute before Mia is at his side, hooking her arm through his. "Bye, Dillon!" she chirps as she successfully kidnaps Jeong-Soon---and his pineapple-adorned pizza---from his usual lunch table. He only manages a quick wave to his highly amused best friend before his girlfriend whisks him away.
"Where do you want to sit?" Mia asks. Jeong-Soon doesn't answer her at first, eyes fixed on the stark blot of crimson occupying the cafeteria's corner. Gregory doesn't belong there. He's too vibrant for the dinginess of the trash cans, too striking for the puke-coloured canteen wall. It's only when Mia elbows him gently that he snaps back to reality.
"What's he doing here?" Mia questions, voice thick with disdain.
"Get over yourself, princess. You don't know shit, so keep your mouth shut."
Jeong-Soon internally winces at the memory. Mia has every right to dislike Gregory Gan. Truth be told, Jeong-Soon himself doesn't particularly like Gregory Gan right now. Looking at the sullen boy hunched over a styrofoam plate of something cheap and probably tasteless, he can't see a single trace of the Gregory he'd known two years ago.
"He got transferred here from Northtide." Feeding the touch of malice rising inside him, Jeong-Soon continues, "Sully told me he broke someone's leg."
Mia's lips press together in a thin line. "Ah. Expulsion?"
Jeong-Soon replies with a nod.
"Make sense," Mia says. Then the shadow passes from her face, and she is her usual self again. Her bubblegum perfume is just as sweet, and her dark curls have their regular bounce once more. She adjusts her grip on Jeong-Soon's arm with a little too much exuberance, almost causing him to drop his tray. "So, back to my question. Where do you want to sit, babe?"
"I don't know. We could always go to the courtyard..." Jeong-Soon's words fade in his throat when he realises that Gregory is now staring at him, and he recognises him. He recognises the Gregory he'd known, full of fire and emotion and danger---all the things that should be bad for him, all the things he desperately craves. In that moment, he no longer sees the perfect stranger Gregory Gan has become. All he sees is Gregory. His Gregory.
His heart claws its way up, up, up, escaping the Monday greys, escaping the padlock Jeong-Soon's put on it, escaping the knowledge that he wouldn't and he couldn't and he shouldn't. It pulls itself to land, soil beneath its fingertips, water beneath its toes.
And it beats, a dynamic boom, boom, boom.
Maybe not quite so dead after all.
Then Gregory notices Jeong-Soon's eyes on him, and the stranger is back. He bares his teeth in a snarl, as if daring Jeong-Soon to look any longer.
"Courtyard sounds good!" Mia replies, steering Jeong-Soon away from Gregory's heated glare. He loves that about her---how she's always there to pull him out of the invisible wreckage, to drag him from the inevitable crash.
They manage to get to the courtyard without Jeong-Soon dropping his tray, and they settle under one of the huge trees lining the cracked brick. Jeong-Soon sets his tray down on his crossed legs. Mia reaches in her bag for her protein bars and leans her head on his shoulder. It's calm. Quiet. Intimate. It's not exactly what Jeong-Soon wants, but it's what he needs.
Mia speaks first, setting down the granola in her hand. "He's not just from basketball, is he?"
Jeong-Soon's blood runs cold in his veins. He suddenly can't breathe, because somehow, his girlfriend has figured it out. He forces a casual grin and a chuckle. "Of course he is."
Mia lifts her head off his shoulder, studying him doubtfully. "I'm not stupid, Jeong-Soon."
Of course you aren't. I just didn't think I was that obvious.
"Did you..." She hesitates, as if finding the right words to say. "Date him?"
Jeong-Soon shakes his head. It's the truth. They would have, probably, but Gregory had left too fast for them to get to that. They hadn't dated. But they'd been in love---madly, irrevocably, completely. Until it had all fallen apart.
Mia chews her bottom lip. "I...I'm not just a beard, am I?"
"No!" Jeong-Soon bursts out. Too fast. Far too fast. But everything about his life is too fast, especially right now. "No, no, no. Of course not. I wouldn't lead you on like that. I'm not gay." He isn't. He knows that. But he knows he's not straight either, and none of the other labels feel particularly right on him. He reaches for the back of his neck awkwardly, pizza long forgotten, cold on his plate. "Can we...can we not talk about this?"
To his surprise and relief, Mia nods, before moving back to her earlier position, head heavy on his shoulder. Jeong-Soon breathes in the familiarity of her perfume, appreciates the feeling of her against him. She's soft and warm and almost small. It's comforting, slow and steady on the racetrack his life has turned into.
(longer author's note today, sorryyy)
(also, fun fact: Jeong-Soon is my first unlabelled MC! he identifies as queer but doesn't really have a label to his sexual-ee-tea besides that.)
hihihi dropping in real quick to remind you that if you expect action and drama, this book is probably not the one for you. it follows my winning formula of gay sh#t and bad metaphors, except it's lacking the usual component of murder, which means that Pretty Much Nothing happens in this story.
(Yes, my writing is pretty much gay sh#t + bad metaphors + murder. I have no idea why people like my books.)
anygays this chapter is so boring but it's probably my second-favourite chapter of this book so far because i think my writing is actually like, kinda decent here.
(funny story: i have found out that if i read p0rn before writing, i tend to write better. no one knows why. do i like p0rn? not really, but it's worth the sacrifice because my writing turns out *chef's kiss*)
so, remember the challenge from the previous chapter? the adapted name is Colin D'Armelio, and of course, the Tiktok star it was based after is Charli D'Amelio. i'm pretty sure most of you got this right lol
calando - dying away
mezzo forte (mf) - moderately loud
pianissimo (pp) - very soft
and in case anyone didn't know, a 'beard' is a slang term used to describe a person who poses as a false date or romantic partner to mislead others about the status of a relationship. (but not in the cliché 'fake dating' way. in the 'i'm gay but everyone around me is homophobic so i married someone of my opposite gender to cover that up' way)
so, as most of you already know, i just started physical school and i am dYiNg. like. literally. i procrastinated on all my online hw so now i'm paying the price ig :,) so i haven't really been very active on wp, but trust me, i'm slowly going through my notifs and i will definitely reply to all my comments this weekend! (and to those whose books i'm supporting, please forgive me aaaaa i promise i'll get to them sooon) i'm so sorry y'alls, i'm a bit of a f#k-up rn lol
thank you so much for all the support you guys have been giving me! i really really really appreciate it, and i hope y'alls have been enjoying this so far!
xoxo, Alex