The last thing I wanted to do was break off our relationship, but I couldn't be with him without feeling like I was doing something wrong now. Which made me laugh because a week ago, I wouldn't have felt this way. A week ago, I felt nothing but happiness. Guilt was something didn’t even come into play. But now it was impossible to feel carefree. Now I felt loyal to my pack. I couldn't be loyal to my heart and my pack at the same time. I had to break it off even…even if it meant shattering my heart into a millions pieces.
I loved him with all my heart. Every breath I now took was for him. I needed him, wanted him, but that was impracticable. I was being selfish. It seemed that our love wasn't meant to be. And that was why I had to let him go. I had to do it before my heart completely and irrevocably belonged to him. I had to stop it. If I spent one day, one hour, even one minute more with him it would be completely unbearable to let him go.
I needed to do it to protect us both and the people around us. I would have gone on in ignorant bliss if it wasn't for the profligate battle that had occurred, but it was unjust to believe that we could go on with this secret relationship.
Now that Aliesha knew. I was jeopardizing her safety as well. I could make things difficult for her. It would be horrible if anything happened to her or her status as a queen’s guard. I was afraid to know what would happen if Koretta found out. It would be the perfect chance to take me out of the run to be the next queen. Even though I would happily give her the position if I believed she would do an excellent job. But I was sure she would end up killing everyone with her stupid desire for power.
Usually as I ran through the forest to get to Titan it seemed to take forever. I always wanted to get to him as soon as possible but now as I walked, I wished it would take a lot longer. I wanted to turn around and forget what I'd come to do.
When I finally walked to our place at the clearing he quickly moved towards me. He hoisted me into his arms and squeezed me forcefully. I felt secure in his arms and for a minute, I forgot about everything I had to tell him.
"Oh God, Jayla. I feel so much better now that I actually get to see you in person. When I saw that guy carrying you. I thought something had happened to you. I almost lost my cool and ran up to you to check on you. Kyros had to hold me back."
I wrapped my arms around his neck. I couldn't do it. I loved him too much. I couldn't break up with him. I couldn't even picture a life without him anymore. I had been so ready to break things off with him. I had practiced my whole speech in my head all day but now that I was with him, touching him, my determination was wavering.
"I told you I was all right when we talked on the phone earlier. Like I said my body was weak from all the healing I did." I reminded him.
"Yeah but it wouldn't be the first time you down played something." He said putting me down.
"How’s Samara? She doesn't know anything yet, right?"
"No. She doesn't know anything. Kyros is going into town later on to tell her that she has to stay for a couple of more days. He won't tell her anything until she comes back to the ranch."
"When she gets back can you tell her that I'm okay?" I asked.
He smiled. "You know she'll still worry until you tell her yourself and she can see it for herself. You can come after everyone at the ranch is gone. It'll take a couple of days. I'll text you."
"Titan." I said his name quietly.
He took my hand in his. "What is it, Jay?"
"I have a couple of things to tell you."
He squeezed my fingers. "Go ahead."
I took a deep breath. "I…I killed Elsa. She came after me and I tried to get her to leave me alone but she wouldn't. We fought and she stabbed me twice…I'm okay. I already healed. When I wouldn't die she took out a silver knife. She would have killed me if I didn't kill her." I cried, giant tears falling at my feet.
I was in Titan's arms again before the first sob left my chest. "I didn't want to kill her, but she didn't leave me any choice." I whimpered.
“Shh…” Titan whispered, slowly rocking me in his arms. “It's not your fault, Jayla. I had planned to follow Elsa around. I knew she would go after you but I was approached by two Lykáns and she got away from me. By the time I was unoccupied, I couldn't find her. There were so many scents in the air. I couldn't find your scent either. When I finally got a trace of both your scents a young Vrykolakes needed my assistants.” He paused, still rocking me. “It's not your fault at all. We told her to stay at the ranch after all that had happen to her but she refused to. So in the end it was her own fault for going after you.”
"But every time I close my eyes, I see her face. It haunts me. I can still hear her as she takes her final breath of air. It replays in my mind over and over again."
Titan squeezed me tighter. "It'll take some time for you to forget. You just have to remember it was her fault and not yours."
I felt better now that I had told him. He didn't hate me. Yet. He would probably hate me after I told him I was breaking off our relationship. Or maybe it wouldn't bother him at all. Samara had told me stories that she had heard from Cristinah.
While Kyros never seemed to have had a relationship in his life. Titan always had a girlfriend or two at one time or another. His relationship with these girls never lasted for more than a month or so though. Cristinah had explained to Samara that Titan always seemed to grow bored of them whether they were human or Vrykolakes.
Cristinah was positive that this time it would be different. She had a bet going on in the house with Kyros that our relationship would last longer than Titan's average. I had secretly wondered, as well, if our relationship would last longer than all his others. I had been counting the days on my calendar.
When I broke up with him today it would be only thirty-three days into our relationship. Cristinah had said that we would have to date for at least forty-five days to beat his previous relationships. I hope Cristinah hadn't betted a lot of money because she was about to lose.
We both were.
I looked up at him dreading what I was about to say. Again, I wish I didn't have to do this but if I were to be the next queen, I could not betray my pack. I needed to be a loyal and just queen. I couldn't do that with my heart divided in half.
Titan slowly released me. I guess somehow sensing something was going on. "What's wrong?" He asked.
I didn't want to tell him yet. I wanted just a couple of more minutes before I tore my heart out and stomped on it myself. "Nothing. Why do you ask?"
"You just mumbled 'I don't want to do it.'" He replied. "What's wrong?"
Had I said it out loud? I didn't remember. I guess my time was up. I was going to have to tell him. "I… We need to talk."
"Talk?" He questioned.
I nodded.
"Okay. What is it?" He prompted me.
"Well. It's about us." I said unable to meet his eyes.
He placed his fingers under my chin forcing me to look into his eyes. "What about us?" He asked his eyes serious.
I tried to look away from his gaze by moving my head but he held my face firmly in place. "I can't talk like this, Titan."
"I want see your eyes when you tell me this."
My eyes widen. Did he know? How did he know?
"Why do you look so surprised, Jayla?" He inquired.
"How did you know?" I questioned.
"You said ‘we need to talk’. Everyone in the world knows that means you're about to break up with someone."
I closed my eyes not wanting to look into his. Why did they have to look so wounded? Shouldn't he be happy that it was coming to an end? He could go back to having a normal life. Go back to his old ways. I’m sure he could find someone new in no time.
"Now the question is why you're breaking it off? Because I know for fact that you love me the way I love you." He confessed.
My eyes flew opened. "Wait…you love me?"
"You can't possibly be surprised by this, Jayla. I thought it was obvious."
"Obvious? No." I stammered.
His fingers left my face to reach into his back pocket. He pulled his wallet out and looked inside. He took out a folded piece of paper and I could feel my cheeks growing warm. I knew I should have force Samara to eat it. I should have known she would forget and not burn it like I asked her to.
"How you get that?"
"I took it the night you wrote it." He smiled weakly. "You almost caught me. I barely had enough time to fill the glass up and jump on the counter before you walked in."
"I knew you were up to something." I mumbled but I was still too amazed by the fact that Titan loved me to really care about being right.
"All that night I was tempted to pull it out and read it but I knew you would be angry if you caught me. So I waited until we parted. After I read it, I was thrilled that you felt the same way as me. For me, I knew it was love at first sight. I never believed in it until you came along. My father used to swear up and down that he fell in love with my mother that way but I didn't believe him until the night I met you."
I wasn't sure what to say. I was shocked but at the same time I knew that I shouldn't be happy about it because it would only make the break up even harder.
"I love you, Jayla and I know you love me. I have the proof right here." He said holding up the folded paper. "So please tell me why you're doing this?"
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Now it my turn to say no. It's not obvious." He asserted.
"I killed Elsa." I reminded him.
He sighed. "Jayla. How do I say this without sounding like an insensitive jerk? I think it's impossible but I'll say it anyway. I don't care about Elsa. Yes, her death was tragic but it was completely her fault. You didn't go looking for her. She went after you. Elsa was evil through and through. I think Demon was actually relieved when she didn't come back after the battle."
"Okay. Fine but I have other reasons why we can't be together."
"Alright. Name them. Name all the reasons why we can't be together." He challenged.
I was lost for a moment. I really didn't have a list of reasons. I was here because I wouldn't be able to take another battle like the one that had just happened. My heart ached for everyone who died in that one meaningless fight and I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happen to Aliesha because of what I was doing. So I told him that.
"We could leave. Together." He said
"Like running away?"
He nodded. "If you want to call it that. Yes. Let's run away together."
"I… We can't do that." I answered.
"Why not?" He almost yelled.
"Because," I cried. "If I want to change things I have to be here. I have a good chance of becoming the next queen. The queen believes in me and I'm starting to believe in myself. I hate all the fighting. I can't take it anymore. I want peace between the Vrykolakes and Lykánthropes and I don't think I can do it without Elias’s help."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying need someone's help." I wailed.
"I can help you."
"Not without starting a war."
"So you're telling me, you're breaking it off and are going to mate with the king?"
“I don't know.” I shrugged. “If I have to.”
"Jayla. You can't be serious. You don't love him."
"I do love him."
"Yeah. Like a friend or a brother." He went on.
"I want to change things." I sniffed.
"But this isn't the way to change things."
"Stop. Please stop, Titan. I know that this doesn't make sense. I know but please… Please. I don't want you to hate me. Please."
Titan sighed. "Jay… I could never and would never hate you."
"I love you, Titan. I really do."
"I know and I love you, too." He kissed the top of my head.
I wrapped my arms around Titan. I wanted to feel his warmth one last time. I just needed a couple of more minutes. I buried my face in his neck. I inhaled his clean scent. It was like a drug to me. His arms snaked around me crushing me to him.
The hug was sad.
A goodbye hug.
I hugged him tighter not wanting to let go. I don't know how long we stood that way but in the end it was just harder to let go.
"Do you have any idea how much I love you? I would give up everything I have for you. Everything. I can't have a life without you anymore." He said when I was out of his arms.
"Oh, come on, Titan." I smiled dimly. "I'm not that amazing. You'll forget about me soon enough."
"Are you saying you're going to forget about me soon?" He theorized.
"Of course not."
"Then how do you expect me to do it?"
"It'll take some time." I reassured him. "But we'll eventually be able to move on and when we think about each other it won't hurt so much."
He didn't say anything and I was almost positive that he was thinking the same thing that I was. We would never be able to think about each other and not feel the pain we were feeling now. This would always be a painful memory---a regret. I knew that many times in the future I would wonder how different my life would've been if I would have said yes to running away together.
If I said yes we could go somewhere far away. Pretend to be normal people. Get married, buy a house with a white picket fence, maybe have children when I was a little older, then live a long and healthy life, never worrying about anything but simple family matters.
I looked at Titan. That future was much more appealing than the one I was actually choosing. How I would love to be Titan's wife. To be by his side always and forever. How I wish. But I knew that my wish could never come true.
I also knew my resolve was weakening. I had to leave now before it weakened all the way and forgot about my other dream. I would sacrifice my happiness for the happiness and security of the pack. I would somehow bring peace between the Lykánthropes and Vrykolakes even if it took all my life. I would do it.
I watched Titan. He was as still as the forest around us. It was the first time I actually thought about the forest itself. Luckily for us the battle hadn't happened were we always met. It had happened about half mile to the right. I couldn't imagine myself ever walking through that part of the forest ever again.
"I have to go." I announced.
The announcement brought him back to life. He moved quickly trapping me in his arms again.
"Why so soon?" He wanted to know.
I couldn't tell him it was because my determination was slowly slipping away and if he begged me one more time. I would most definitely do whatever he asked me to. "I have to get back. It's not completely save for me to be here. Many of the Males are still at the camp." It was true but not the complete truth. The only males at the Camp were the ones that were too wounded to go home. Elias was there as well but he was too busy with other things to come looking for me. The only reason I had been able to sneak out was because Aliesha had helped me. She hadn't understood why I had to talk to Titan in person but in the end I had convinced her it was the right thing to do and she helped me but she made me promise I would be back within two hours. At first I had complained. I wanted more time but now I wanted to go back before the time she had given me was up.
"Plus I start on my guard duty tomorrow. I have to be ready." I tried getting out of his hold but it was impossible.
"Can I ask for one selfish thing before you go?"
I held my breath but nodded.
"A kiss." He said. "One last kiss and I'll let you go. I promise."
A kiss would kill me but I wanted to give him this last request. Titan was always playfully cocky and joked around when we were together but not once was he demanding. I would grant his last wish even if it destroyed me because I loved him that much.
I closed my eyes and tipped my head back and waited to feel his lips brush against mine. I knew it was coming but I was still surprised when his warm lips connected with mine. The kiss was gentle and heartbreaking. I opened my mouth when his tongue gently commanded me to. The kiss was blissful torture. I realized I would never have this connection with Titan ever again.
When he pulled away I didn't open my eyes. I kept them shut until I was certain he was gone. When I finally opened them, tears were the only things I could see. I fell to my knees and let my sobs echo in the forest. I didn't let myself cry for long. I knew I had to get up and dust myself off and try to move on with my life. I had to forget about Titan and how much I loved him.