© Amber Kalkes 2015
Song: "Little Talks" By Of Monsters And Men
C h a p t e r T h r e e >
Drumming her fingers on the steering wheel Rae bobs her head along with the music pouring from her speakers. It was a long day at the diner but Graham was there to make sure she wasn’t able to fall out of sorts for long. Since the town is fairly small and along with the population, all the schools are connected making it easier for her to pick everyone up.
It’s a relief most days especially after those days that just won’t end, to have more stop before home. Letting the purposely-soothing music flow over her she closes her eyes and rolls her head side-to-side hoping to crack her neck. She’s so tense.
She really needs to let her wolf, she realizes. With the equinox coming up and the run coming into play she needs to let her out as often as possible. The full moons are always dreaded among the lycanthropes of the world. When a full moon comes into the play, especially the first one of the month, it makes for one miserable wolf. They’re locked in the body, unable to come out during those times, totally enslaved to the human side.
It was one of the reasons the run was created. Not only is it a great way for mates to find each other but also for a wolf to relieve some of its frustration. For that, Rae gets it but the rest of it? She’s rather do without.
“Rae!”
Snapping out of her thoughts she turns to see her younger sister’s crawling into the van. Poppy is wearing a huge grin on her face as she climbs in while Cassidy is wrestling with her backpack. Hudson comes up behind the youngest Applebee and helps her close her bag. He then helps Cassidy get into the van quickly before coming to sit in the front passenger with Rae.
“Cleo?” Rae asks.
Hudson just shakes his head as he puts on his seatbelt. Hudson has always been the quietest of her siblings. Always ready to help when needed but mostly keeps to himself, enjoying reading in his room or wandering in the woods on his own. Rae has always felt a kinship with him since she’s of similar temperament.
“Everyone buckled in?”
“Yes!” The girls yell in chorus making Rae roll her eyes.
As she pulls away from the school Rae spots Cleo in the parking lot with a boy, practically dry humping each other. Rae usually ignores the shit Cleo pulls, knowing it’s for reaction but this time she’s just trying to stop a niece or nephew in progress. Stopping the van near them Rae pushes down on the horn until they separate from each other. Cleo looks around until her blue eyes land on the van and glare at Rae.
“What?” Cleo yells.
“Need a ride?” Rae asks innocently.
Scowling her sister snaps at her, “No. I’m fine.”
“You sure? I have plenty of room. What about you handsome? Need a ride?”
The boy looks completely flustered, “Uh…no, I’m fine. I have my own car.”
“That’s great.” Rae grins before narrowing her eyes threateningly. “That better be all you’ll be riding while around my sister.”
“I…uh…well…I…”
“Rae!” Cleo shrieks.
Rae just blows her a kiss. “I’ll see you at home baby sis!”
Driving away Rae smiles smugly to herself. Cleo hasn’t always been this way of course. She used to be a sweet girl but after their mother’s death and their father disappearance Cleo changed. Rae gets it; she really does because she too has a hard time even three years later with it. Still that doesn’t give Cleo license to act like such a bitch, especially to her family.
“She’s going to be spitting fire when she gets home.” Hudson comments as they pull off of school grounds.
Rae shrugs, “Then let her.”
“You have to tell her.”
Her hands tighten on the steering wheel. “It’ll just upset her. You finding out wasn’t even supposed to happen.”
“Rae, it’s her dad too and you can’t protect us from everything.”
“I can try.”
“If you try too much you’re not only going to wear yourself out but you’ll fail. We’re going to screw things up Rae, its just how people are.”
Sighing Rae doesn’t respond though she knows he’s right. After their mother died their father suddenly disappeared. Most of the pack believed that he went into the woods and simply gave into the grief. It was what Rae and the kids thought too until about two years ago Rae saw him.
He was in his wolf form but it was definitely their dad. He was skinny, feral and skittish but she could pick out those brown eyes from anywhere. Ever since then she’s been feeding him, petting him when he allows her to and talks to him about how the family’s doing. She doesn’t know if he really even recognizes her but she likes to think that maybe he does.
It’s most likely a lie but a lie she likes to tell herself.
She didn’t tell her siblings of course. She didn’t want them to see their father like that instead of as the man he was. Rae can see it in his eyes when he looks at her, the lost look and wildness there. Their father isn’t there anymore, the wolf has completely taken over so why let them suffer over it like she does?
Of course Hudson, on one of his late night walks stumbled on them. He immediately started tearing up but when he tried to reach out to their father the wolf ran away. Hudson demanded to know everything and Rae, trying to explain herself and calm him down told him. Ever since then he’s been also coming on the meetings but not as often as at first. It’s hard for him.
“Rae?” Cassidy calls from the back of the van.
Sitting up a little so can see her in the rearview Rea responds, “Yeah?”
“Where’s Jace?”
“Uh…” She trails looking over at Hudson.
“Friends.” He grunts, not looking up from his cell phone.
Rea shrugs, “I guess he’s with friend, kiddo. Why?”
“I saw him kissing a girl! It’s not fair! He said I couldn’t have a boyfriend but he can kiss girls? That’s gross! I just want to hold hands with boys!”
“Well I guess he’ll turn into a gross zombie won’t he?”
Cassidy makes a face, “Will he still live with us?”
“Maybe. I think I have the antidote somewhere but I’ll have to look when we get home.”
“Okay.” Cassidy nods seriously. “But make sure you do it before dinner cause Jace said he’d make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“I can make you one, Cass.” Rae says, rolling her eyes.
“You don’t make it like Jace does!”
“Alright!” Rae exclaims. “I will give him the antidote as soon as he comes home okay?”
“Okay.” Cassidy shrugs before going back to looking out the window.
Shaking her head Rae looks back out the front window feeling exhausted. She needs a shower or maybe a swim in the lake. That always calms her down. Pushing a strand of hair behind her ear she decides that’s what she’ll do once all the kids are down for the night.
“Who are you texting?” Rae asks Hudson.
“John.”
“Who?” She asks with a frown.
“Just a guy I know.” He shrugs.
“You didn’t meet him on the Internet or something did you?”
Hudson snorts. “No. He’s from school. We’re doing a project at school together.”
“Oh? What project.”
“Rae.” He sighs, putting his phone down. “You’re my sister, I love you and I get your trying to be involved but your annoying the crap out of me. It’s an English project, he’s my partner and we’re texting to get a schedule to figure out when to get together.”
“I’m just asking.” She says, putting her hands up in surrender.
He rolls his brown eyes, “Sure.”
“By the way, I love you, too, kid.” Rae smiles at him.
He doesn’t respond but she sees a smile on his face.
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“This one!” Cassidy yells grabbing the large book from the shelf.
Poppy groans from beside Rea. “Not again!”
“We’ve read this one a hundred times, Cassie. Are you sure?” Rae asks from her position on the large queen sized bed the girl’s share.
Cassidy nods making her blonde hair flop all over the place. “I love this story. Please, Rae? I’ll let everyone in the bathroom tomorrow I promise!”
“What do you even do in there?” Rae asks, genuinely curious.
Cassidy’s face is straight as she answers, “I get pretty for the day. Brush my teeth, my hair, make faces in the mirror and make sure my armpits don’t smell.”
“Why would your armpits smell?”
“Because I run a lot in my dreams and if you run a lot you smell.”
Rae and Poppy give each other looks before Rae puts her hand out for the book. “Good point. Okay, crawl on it.”
Handing her the book Cassidy climbs into the bed to sit on the other side of Rae. Cracking open the book Rae clears her throat. She asked Cassidy once why she liked this book so much to which the six year old replied that it was just how it was. Cassidy was growing up to be a little odd but Rae couldn’t help but love it. So without a second more of hesitation she began to read the story of a little girl called Alice who fell down a rabbit hole into a world called wonderland.
“All in the golden afternoon full leisurely we glide,
For both our oars with little skill,
By little arms are plied,
While little hands make vain pretense
Our wanderings to guide.
Thus grew the tale of wonderland.”
About an hour later Cassidy is asleep in Rae’s lap and Poppy is yawning every five seconds. Slowly closing the book Rae places it by her feet before gently maneuvering Cassidy off her lap. The little girl frowns and whines a little before go right back to sleep with small pouted lips and a scowl. Poppy is easier to move but since she’s still half awake it doesn’t surprise Rae when she speaks up.
“Rae?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you think Jace will really turn into a zombie?”
Laughing a little Rae shakes her head. “No, baby, I don’t think he will.”
“Good.” She yawns. “Good night, Rae.”
“Goodnight, Poppy.”
Kissing her sister’s forehead she also slips off her glasses to place on the side table. Moving a few strands of hair out of Cassidy’s face she also kisses her forehead before turning off the light. Shutting the door slowly she sighs once its closed all the way.
“Are they asleep?”
She turns around to see Cleo stumbling up the stairs. Her eyes are bloodshot and her shoes are in her hands, dangling. Rae’s tension comes back with a vengeance when she catches the smell of weed and alcohol on her, Vodka to be more specific.
“Yeah they are.”
“They love you.”
“And I love them.”
Cleo smiles sloppily. “Do you love me?”
“Of course I love you.”
“Then why can’t you just let me be?”
Rae rolls her eyes and tries to move past her to head towards her room. Cleo reaches out though and grabs her by the arm making Rae growl at her. She doesn’t like being grabbed and she really doesn’t like it when it’s to keep her trapped.
Cleo giggles. “Oh my, did I wake the big bad wolf?”
“Fuck off, Cleo.”
“I try to but then you just drag me back don’t you? Why can’t I just go live with Aunt Jolene and Uncle Everett, Rae? Why won’t you let me out of this fucking prison?”
“Because this isn’t a prison.” Rae hisses at her. “I have done everything I can to keep this family together with a roof over our heads, food in out stomachs and clothes on our backs. And do you appreciate any of it? No!”
“How can I when all you do is dictate what I should or shouldn’t do! I don’t know if you forget this Rae but you’re not mom! She’s dead and she isn’t coming back but that doesn’t mean you can play house with all of us!”
Rae’s hands curl into fists. “Keep your voice down.”
“Make me.” She smirks at her. “Can you, miss self-control? Can you even let that wolf of yours slip out? I bet she doesn’t even know what its like to feel wind through her fur anymore. You don’t deserve a wolf.”
“And you do?”
“At least I know how to live a life!”
Rae’s about to speak but is cut off by the sound of a door cracking open. Turning towards it Rae sees Poppy standing in the bedroom doorway looking scared. Cleo immediately lets go of Rae’s arm and takes a few steps back.
“What’s wrong?” Poppy asks.
“Nothing.” Rae says not taking her eyes of Cleo. “Just go back to bed.”
“Rae…”
“Poppy, go back to bed, please.”
The door shuts and Rae takes a few steps coming towards Cleo, her eyes cold enough to make the younger girl flinch. “I have done nothing but try to keep this family together, Cleo. Do you think I don’t want a life? A mate? Of course I do but I can’t even imagine those things because you come first.”
“So what…” Cleo says, struggling to not to lose her anger. “You want an award or something?”
Rae shakes her head with a sigh. “I’m done talking to you tonight. Go to bed and sleep it off. We’ll talk in the morning.”
Moving past her sister Rae goes down the stairs. At the foot of which she finds Hudson and Jace giving her sad looks. Not wanting any pity from them she doesn’t say a word to them as she moves towards the front door. Opening it she exits the house without looking back.
Once the coast is clear tears begin falling down her face as she walks through the tall grass towards the lake. Her arms are crossed over her chest as she cries, trying to keep herself together but failing miserably. Does she want a mate? Yes, of course she does. It’s only out of fear of change and what could happen to her family that keeps her from participating in the run.
A fear of happiness for herself that keeps her running from a mate she hasn’t even met.
Once the lake comes into view Rae’s bare feet step onto the wooden dock gingerly. She remembers playing in the lake with her parent’s happily. She remembers what it was like splashing with Cleo and being able to hug her without her sister telling her she hated her. She remembers not having to force herself to smile and laughing without it sounding so rare. She remembers being happy.
Stripping out of her jean shorts and the plain blue t-shirt she changed into before dinner she sits on the edge of the dock. Pulling her hair from her pigtails she adds the ties to her pile and runs her hands through her stringy hair. Closing her eyes she balances her arms on the edge of the dock and slides her body into the cool lake water.
The water laps at her hips as she moves her hands over the dark water. Angling her head up she looks at the crescent moon in the sky, cheeks wet and heart heavy. Walking further into the lake water she holds her breath as it flows over her head. As she lets out a scream into the water, quiet and unheard, a quote from Alice in Wonderland floats through her head.
“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.”
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Rae has got a lot on her plate huh?
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