Requests

What If

"It better be life and death good or he's going to leave you," Kit said. His look said I was in trouble and he felt bad for me, but my Yo would forgive me. We'd talk it out and be stronger than ever.

I ran into our apartment and found him in our bedroom, packing some clothes. Was he really planning to leave? Weren't we going to talk this out?

"Yo," I started, trying to pull him into my arms. He pushed me away and continued packing. "Are you leaving me? Won't you even give me a chance to explain?"

Yo looked at me for a minute, uncertainty in his eyes. Ming came out of our bathroom, his hands full of Yo's things. He put them in the bag and then whispered to Yo. Yo whispered back and Ming zipped up the bag.

"I'll wait outside," Ming said. "Call me if you need me."

Ming took Yo's bag and gave me a look full of anger before he stepped out and I heard him walk to the front door.

Yo just stood there looking at me. I thought hard for a minute. Ok, I'm going to explain and he's going to forgive me and I will never do anything to make him look at me like that again.

"I'm so sorry," I started, "I never meant to hurt you."

"You should have told me that you wanted to break up," Yo said, crossing his arms and taking a step away from me.

"I don't want to break up!" I said quickly and loudly. I wasn't explaining well. "It was a mistake."

"You said that before. A mistake," Yo narrowed his eyes at me. "But what kind of a mistake? What did you 'just want to see?'"

"I don't know," I admitted, realizing I had no excuse. No reasonable explanation. "I just kept wondering 'what if?' What if I'd never dated you? Would I have loved someone else? What if I kissed someone else? Would you have been jealous? What if things were different? How would I feel?"

"What if?" Yo asked sadly. "You just wanted to know what if?"

He looked at me for another minute. Here it was. He would yell at me, he would tell me how hurt he was. Then he would forgive me and I would take him in my arms and promise it would never happen again. Crisis averted.

"Well I guess now we both get to find out," Yo said, determination in his eyes. That was not what I expected.

"What do you mean?" I asked, suddenly feeling worried. Yo always forgave me. What was happening?

"We'll both find out what happens when we aren't together," Yo said as though it was obvious. "You can kiss anyone you want to kiss. Find out if you love someone else. Things will be different and you can answer that question, what if."

"But what are you going to do?" I asked, getting a little angry. This is not how it's supposed to work.

"I'm going to kiss who I want to kiss. I'm going to find someone else who loves me and will appreciate me. I'm going to get over you and hopefully the next person I give my heart to will not take it for granted," Yo said, turning to leave. I grabbed his wrist. He couldn't just leave me. He was mine. I loved him.

"Why are you upset, Pha?" Yo pulled his arm free and looked at me once more with disgust and a little bit of pity. "This is what you wanted. I'm giving you exactly what you want."

"I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to love someone else," I said, desperation was starting to set in. Would Yo actually leave me? Would he kiss someone else? No, his kisses were mine. He was mine!

"You should have thought about that when you were imagining what if," Yo said calmly. "What if you cheated on me? What if I didn't forgive you? What if I finally realize that I'm too good for someone selfish and arrogant like you? What about those what ifs, Pha?"

Yo looked at me one last time and then he walked out the door. It was a look filled with hurt but also a scathing anger. I could see it in his eyes, he didn't trust me anymore. This time I had gone too far and he wasn't going to forgive me easily. All of my selfishness and pride, he had seen it all this time but just overlooked it because he loved me and trusted me. But now that was gone. Had I really just ruined the best thing in my life? Had I lost the only person that I had ever really loved because of one stupid mistake that didn't even mean anything to me?

The answer was clear. Yes, I had. Yo was gone. He might never forgive me and even if he did, by then he might find out that there are better men out there than I ever was. I fell to my knees, wishing I could go back in time. Now that I had the answer to my first what if questions, I was starting to ask a new series of them. What if Yo never came back? What if he never forgave me? What if I never love anyone as much as I love Yo? What if I can't live without him?

First Published: July 2020