Pining for Paris/Jim Halpert

Chapter 11: Casino Night

After Jim and I's fight, everything changed. He tried to talk to me, but I couldn't really listen to anything he had to say. Nothing he said was good enough. Even his apologies, his declarations of love, his flowers and tears didn't change what happened. It didn't change the fact that he still felt something for her. And maybe I was overreacting... I needed to talk to him, I did, I needed to have a long talk with him about what happened, but he wasn't denying it. He wasn't confirming it, either, but after our fight, whenever I asked if he still had feelings for her, he would just look at me with these sad eyes, and I couldn't take it. I couldn't.

The weather kept getting nicer, and before we all knew it, May began. May had always been a difficult month for me because my mom's birthday was in May, so the whole month kind of had a damper because of it. So on top of all this drama with Jim, May was just one long 31-day reminder that my mom was dead.

Casino night came. Michael told us to get really dressed up because it was super fancy, so I went home and took a really long shower. I mean, I was still in love with Jim. I was. It hurt to see him, but his smile still hit me like a truck barreling down a highway and I still wanted to kiss those lips and feel his hands on my body, but he yelled at me. I was afraid of him, and I never thought I could ever be afraid of Jim. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, I knew that. He couldn't hurt anybody, he would save an ant in a swimming pool. But whenever I thought of trusting him again, I got this pit in my stomach that threatened to swallow me whole. I knew I needed to get over it, I knew that, but I pined after him for months and he finally let me believe that it was okay to get involved with him, and then suddenly, in one day, all of that was jeopardized. All of it.

But maybe, tonight could be the night. I knew that once I talked to him, I could feel better about us, I could start to move on, so I made that personal goal for myself. I would talk to him, and I would start to forgive, and everything would be fine. I just had to breathe through it.

So, as Michael commanded, I got really dressed up. I chose a floor-length black dress with a thigh slit and I curled my hair and pinned it behind me. I was nervous, and excited. I wanted to make up with Jim. It was time.

When I got there, the warehouse was buzzing. There were a lot more people than I expected and plenty of casino tables and machines; it was actually really cool. The music was classy and the open bar was nice, too. I wondered how Michael got this place ready in time.

When I walked in, I saw Jim with Pam, playing some casino game. I told myself not to worry about it, whatever, they're just friends. But he was smiling so much, and making her laugh, and I couldn't help but hurt a little at the sight of them together.

Thankfully, I found the bar, and Kelly and Oscar, who were doing tequila shots.

"Thank god," I exhaled, greeting them. "I need a drink. Vodka seltzer, please." I grabbed two shots and downed them one after the other, coughing a little as a result as I waited for my drink, sucking on a lime wedge.

"Jesus, girl, Jim did a number on you," Oscar commented, laughing. "But seriously, you look amazing."

I smiled, blushing. "Thank you. I wanna make up with him tonight. I'm tired of the secrets and lies and fights and shit. No more." I believed it as I said it, but then I looked over at them again, and she was laughing so much as whatever joke he told. Not long after I started staring like a crazy person, his eyes met mine, his mouth a little open. He touched Pam's shoulder and excused himself, then started making his way over to me.

"Hi," he breathed, hands in pockets. "You look amazing."

I smiled a little, sipping my drink. "Listen, Jim..." I held his hands, and he nodded. "I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sorry about what happened."