Crash Test Dummy

Chapter 15

I stared at Seth while the waiter sat our food on the table. I finally choked out, "Why didn't she tell me?"

"Did you give her a chance?" Seth raised his eyebrows as he took a bite.

I remembered the letter she wrote me after she showed me the pictures. I'd written return to sender on it and slid it under her door. I wondered if Momz had tried to explain.

"Probably not," I took a big bite of ribs. The meat seemed to ball up and get larger.  I gulped coke to help washed it down. "But I'm not her main problem. She judged Popz and found him wanting. She has lived with this picture of him sticking needles in his arm for so long, she can't imagine that he can change. She's always telling me that God's this great person who gives second and third chances. If she practiced her own preaching, she'd give Popz another chance."

Seth paused with fork in mid-air. "She gave him a lot more than two or three chances, CW." He frowned. "The Bible says to forgive someone 7X70 times. That's 490 times. I bet your Mom exceeded that in her years with Paul."

I started to protest. Seth held up his hand. "I know, that's supposed to be a metaphor for as many times as it takes. I'm just saying, your Mom gave Paul a heck of a lot of chances. She's trying really hard to find a way to forgive him again. She's been slapped in the face so many times. She has you to worry about. She doesn't know what to do. The PI thing backfiring has filled her with false guilt for years. She's just starting to come to terms with it. I mean, a kid died. Sometimes she thinks she could have stopped that if she hadn't thrown Paul out. It's a lot to sort out. Give her some space. She'll let God put her on the right track."

"Who's gonna have to die this time?" I knew the jab was uncalled for, but I couldn't let him have the last word.

Seth just shook his head and started eating. "I'll not waste any more of my words or your time." 

The rest of the meal was silent.

Seth thought I just blew him off like I did Momz, but I couldn't forget what he said about Momz not turning on Popz. Maybe she really wasn't as sure of things as she seemed. Maybe she was full of fear. I tried to think of what I'd feel if I thought someone died because of something I did. Did she really think she could have kept that kid alive by giving Popz another chance? Did she have nightmares about finding me dead after taking drugs?

Popz said if he and Momz switched places, he'd probably keep me from her. Was everyone's mind screwed up because of a past I hardly remembered? "Even yours," a voice inside whispered. "No," I told myself. "Not mine." I knew that Momz wasn't giving Popz a fair shake. His letters proved that. Momz refused to even try to find out what he was like now. She might have her excuses, but she was in the wrong.

Still, I decided to give her another chance. I'd prove to her that I was the bigger person by giving her the chance she refused to give Popz.

On Monday, I opened the door and found a Christmas tree in the living room. It was fake, but it was decorated with the baubles Momz had collected over the years. "So that's what she was doing in the attic," I thought.

I'd been getting an ornament from MawMaw and PawPaw every year and one from Momz. She said that way I'd have some familiar things on a tree of my own some day.

I smelled gingerbread, too. I went to the kitchen. "What's with the Christmas stuff? I thought we were gonna to be gone for Christmas."

"So, you've decided to talk."

"Well, I thought about it." I decided I'd use God against her. "God gave Jonah lots of chances, even after he ended up in the belly of a whale. I decided that I should be the bigger person and give you another chance. You say you're trying to come to grips with all of the anger and stuff you have towards Popz." I shrugged.