Lavender

Healing

My face heals slowly, but it heals. Luther's almost at 100% by now and Levi says he's gonna eventually be able to do everything he could before. Leo and Casper seem to be doing great. Everything is good. Or at least, everything is good except for me.

I can't stop thinking about my brothers. It's been a week since my brothers saved Leo and me. How many of them are still alive? How many of them are still there? I doubt things would have returned to how it was before. Dad was going to kill me. I can't stop thinking about it. My brothers went against him. There's no way he would have just taken that. I didn't hear gunshots, but that doesn't mean everyone lived.

Bad things happen in my brain when I think about home. I feel like I'm back there. I lived my past life in a constant state of disassociation, barely understanding what was happening around me. Leo used to call it "shut down, shut out." I try to interact with people, but it's hard. All I can do is live in a dissociative state. I go through the motions; sleeping, eating meals, accepting forehead kisses from my boyfriends, and thinking about home.

I sit in front of the TV, not paying attention to the screen. Luther sits next to me and looks at me occasionally as he watches his show. I want to focus, I do, but I just can't. Luther leaves my side and I hear talking far away. A door slams, and I flinch. I hear whispers, then talking, then yelling. I can't make out the words, but I know it's too loud. I put my hands over my ears. I close my eyes, and images of my childhood race through my mind.

Someone rubs my leg softly. They gently remove my hands from my ears and it's quiet. They're not yelling anymore. I focus all my might, every last drop, to hear the words.

"Princess, Adam needs you. Is there any way you could tune in?"

I open my eyes and see Max. I love Max. He's smart, and so strong, and wow, is he handsome. He always cares about me. He loves me back, and I faintly remember enjoying that.

"Link, please? Just for a day?" He pleads, kneeling in front of me.

My bones feel heavy. My organs feel heavy. My joints feel like they're covered in rust. I'm tired. Exhausted. Just like I used to be.

Max gives up. He gets up and walks away, and I feel disappointed. I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to hurt them. When I speak, my voice is as rusty as the rest of my body. "What's happening?"

Max returns almost too fast, nearly startling. He smiles at me for a second, then it fades to worry. "He's upset because of a phone call. We don't know who it's from, but as you know, he doesn't really talk about his life before the mansion. So if you could please just give him some comfort, that would be amazing."

Comfort? Like... effort? I love Adam. Just as much as I love Max and Luther. But I can't give energy to others right now. I just can't. Maybe it's easier if I just disappoint everyone. It would be simpler. I don't want to get their hopes up. "I can't." I whisper.

He nods. "Okay. Can you tell me why not?"

Tears start to form. No, please, no, crying makes me even more tired. I zone out to protect myself. Max leaves again after saying something.

Someone taps my leg three times. I tune in enough to know it's Luther. He holds out a paper. I look at it. It says "Yes" on one side and "No" on the other. He puts it on my leg and moves my hand so it rests on the middle of the paper.

"Let's try this, Link. Can you point to yes?"

Fine. I'll humor him. Maybe it'll help. I point to yes. He smiles. "Are you dissociating because of what happened with you family?"

I keep my hand on yes. He nods. "Is there a way we can get you out of this funk?"

I slide my hand off of my leg entirely. "You don't know." He whispers to himself.

"Do you want physical affection?"

I slide my hand to yes. Currently, they haven't been touching me in fear of triggering me. But gentle affection sounds nice. Shit, I've answered multiple questions. Maybe this is helpful. I relax my body, closing my eyes and leaning back.

"Did you hear what Max asked?"

I keep my hand on yes.

"You said you can't help comfort Adam. Is that because you think you'll do it wrong?"

I slide my hand to no.

"Is it because you're just too tired?"

I slide back to the left to say yes.

"Would it be okay if when he comes back, he cuddles with you?"

I keep my hand on yes. Luther takes the paper away and kisses my forehead. "Great job, love. You did so good."

The door opens and slams again, causing me to flinch. There's talking, but I don't listen. Then I tune in sharply once I hear a single word. I suddenly get a burst of energy. Adam said "Dad."