Love is something I don't feel I will ever experience. I think if I ever let someone behind my walls they might feel deluded enough to think caring and love was possible for me , but IT IS NOT. I am Hopeless, Garbage selfish and worthless. I deserve to die. I am and will always be a freak. Suicide is a way of escape, but I choose to survive and entertain myself with books and music. I am not WORTH the love of anyone. I wish I could understand why I hate myself so much. I have never loved anyone. I failed George. While George is dead, so I am left with guilt about not treating my always faithful ( SEMPER FIDELIS ) friend, but I was self obsessed at the time and in my own little world, disregarding everything around me. I hope in the future I can be a true friend. There is no hope of ever loving someone else if I hate myself and do not understand why?
So what do you want to do with your life? I want to die, but I tried it and it rejected me so I will do the only thing I know how to do SURVIVE.
'Born to lose and destined to fail '
(A song from Social Distortion )
I wish I could understand what I did wrong? Why didn't I die October 25, 1989? It was a good plan. I should have dug deeper. But one good thing came out of the situation meeting my psych ward buddy . It would be so much easier if I could give up hope, something inside of me won't let me. Can I live without human contact I think so, I have been so far. I can't allow myself to depend on someone else or I will be disappointed and rejected.
'They told you yet
told me what
why you are here
they don't tell you anything
You are GARBAGE, RICH, POOR, GARBAGE, NOBODY WANTS IT AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE HERE, GARBAGE '
(From the movie Lost Angels)
