Love and regrets

24.

"Alex." Nikky and I said at the same time.

"Sorry. I didnt mean to interrupt you two but I happened to hear the conversation. So do you have an answer to that one?" He was quick to get back where he stopped us.

"Alex, you dont get it. Its not that I dont want to be there. Dont just look at him. He thinks it would be enough for him to do it all in about four years. Am I right?" We both hummed.

"Did anyone think that I had yet to go to colledge and make a career for myself?"

"I think he had you in mind. Its only logical." I said.

"But did he? Because from my point of view, he only had in mind our period of calling and waiting and that time didnt even come yet all he ever talks about are those plans." She said in panic.

"Nikky, did you try to talk to him about your future?" Alex asked.

"Oh we talked about it. But once I stay by myself all I can think about is how we may both need some time to ourselves. If it needs to happen it will. But right now I dont think that his plans for future should be limited to a girl who may end up on the other end of the world for the next five to ten years." She let out a tear. Alex motioned me towards her. I would have hugged her anyways.

"Hey, dont cry. Its like you said. If it is meant to happen it will happen." I walked to her and held her as she leaned towards me. I looked at the door to find Alex gone from there. I guess he didnt want to be here for the sad part.

"I know. I am just not sure if I am madly in love with him or have I just gotten used to being with him. I am not sure about anything anymore." She is full on crying right now. I cant help her. 

"I am so sorry about all that Nikky. Unfortunately there are only two ways this goes." I said.

"Why do you think I am here in tears?"

"I know it just seemed like a smart thing to say." I answered honestly causing her to chuckle at me while still crying.

"Yeah, you really dont know how to comfort someone." I laughed at her remark.

"Yet here you are giving me a smile trough those crocodile tears. You know, maybe you and I should think about our future considering our future will happen parallel to each other. No seventeen year old girl should have to feel so much pressure about staying with someone trough his future when we never even talked about our own." I tried to cheer her up.

"You are right in that one. But I think I had enough future for now. Okay?" We smiled.

"Okay. Then to stay in the now. How do you feel about a night out one of these days? We should relax for a bit." She rubbed he eyes causing me to smile a how cute she looks like right now.

"I feel like that is an awesome idea. I want that so bad its like we havent been out in AGES!" I laughed at her sudden change. She loves to go out I am telling you.

"Then its a deal."

"Go see what Alex wanted. I swear he got so clingy lately I dont know how you can take it." She started and I of course continued.

"Yeah but so did I. I like him a LOT Nikky. When I am with him it feels like the world has stopped, like I could fight dragons with him by my side." She burst out laughing at my face causing me to feel self concious about my feelings. It is a little stupid but I really feel like that.

"I am sorry..... its just....you rarely fight anything with him by your side. You feel that way because he has you back in a way that he fights for you when he sees you struggle." I guess she is kind of right. 

"That may be right but I dont think it is a bad thing that he wants to protect me. He let me find my own way with my brother. He knows when to let me fend for myself." I tried to explain but I feel kind of defensive and am really trying not to get angry. I guess her laugh a couple moments ago made me feel a little more uneasy then it should.

"I didnt mean to offend you. I would just like you to be a little more independent. Dont get this the wrong way I only mean the best but I feel like you should be a little more careful considering you dont know much about relationships." I scoffed at her. So what if this is my first relationship? Like that should affect the course of a relationship.

"So what if its my first relationship? What are you saying." I asked.

"Nothing, I was just expecting it to be more of a short adventure, not really a lasting thing. The first relationships rarely last to the endgame." I guess I wasnt expecting the conversation to take this turn. I really cant say I like it either. 

"You can be really cruel when you want to be." I turned to get out of the room but she grabbed my hand. She jumped and embraced me in a hug.

"I am so sorry. Maybe I was wrong, I didnt mean for it to sound like that. I really am happy that you like him so much." I lightly tapped her back because I dont know what to do right now. I did get annoyed and I dont know if me and Alex will be endgame but I cant just break up because I am inexperienced. I shouldnt do it. That way I would be running from him and myself. For now I cant imagine myself trusting someone else to touch me and kiss me like Alex does.

"I trust him. I dont want to be with someone else. Even if you cant see how much I have grown since I came here, I can. I hope that he can see me grow up into a grown woman he will like. If we get that far. I am not in a dream land but I refuse to be negative just because he is my first love." I tried to reason with Nikky so she can at least try to understand my feelings here. I didnt get offended because she was completely wrong, she was partly right. I do rely on him, but he pushes me to fight by myself when he thinks is needed.

"You are right. It is your relationship, it should have its own course. Now get out and see what he wants." She pushed me lightly out the door.

I hope he didnt hear our conversation. I mean, we are moving a little fast and we are intense. We cant hide it, from anyone. We are quick on the "I love you" but we were also quick on insults while fighting. From a virgin in everything I am just a virgin when it comes to sex in only a couple months. I know we are moving fast I just hope we dont crumble. Because that would really hurt.

"Hey." I turned my head to find him sitting on top of the stairs. There is no way he didnt hear us. Oh God no. I hope he doesnt listen to Nikky. What if he also tought this wouldnt last long, I mean he was Nikkys friend before I came into their lives. It could easily happen that they talked about me and us and came to a conclusion that this between us should burn out fast.

"Hey. What are you doing there?" He got up and motioned for me to get downstairs with him. I complied which doesnt mean that is not what happened. Okay maybe it didnt happen exactly like I said because I might have added a little more drama there but something along those lines could happen. In theory. Right?