Brett hated being sick. And it was even worse this year, this fucked up year, when everything had been messed up for everybody in the whole world.
And him being sick as well.
Brett was looking forward for this year to be over. It would be soon, thank God!
But first Christmas.
Brett had decided to say yes to Eddy's request on staying with him for a couple of days, celebrating christmas and maybe new year, depending on how sick Brett felt and how much Eddy could deal with it.
Eddy felt much better now, but they both agreed on that if Brett got so sick and Eddy got so tired like last time, Eddy would send him back home again. It was nice having agreed on that this time.
Christmas was important to Brett, he was very fond of his family, but this year he felt stuck with Eddy in his apartment, not able to get home and join in the dinner and everything like he used to before, because of his poor health. He knew Eddy would drove him there, but he couldn't do the trip back and forth. And the party with other familymembers. The thought about it made his head explode. He was much better off alone with Eddy, yes.
But it still stung.
He felt so...helpless and poor.
He couldn't even leave the flat!
At least he didn't have to spend it at the hospital. He would have to hope he didn't end up there during the next days.
Eddy was a hero. Really. He was great.
Taking care of him that whole messed up year. Brett was beyond grateful.
It was christmas eve and Eddy had been fixing and shopping the whole day.
Brett stayed at home, sleeping, practising a little bit, just chilling just like he felt he had been doing way too much of those last weeks. After twoset being on a break as well, he felt uneasy and bored. He wanted to work and tried to convince Eddy every day that he was able to film, but Eddy wouldn't let him. He had promised their families, their fans, everyone, that he would take care of Brett and force him through this break, not let him trick him into believing he actually felt better.
It was a struggle.
Brett felt a little depressed. And lonely, especially when Eddy was out.
He called his family, talking an hour with his mother, crying and longing. There was nothing he could do about it anyway. After all his heart and all belonged to Eddy.
It was even more painful because he was sick. Knowing Eddy had to take care of him, knowing he missed his family too, but had to stay there with him.
It was getting dark outside when Eddy came in on Brett, lying spiralling in his own, depressive thoughts.
-Hey handsome, you awake? You want some dinner?
-No, I'm not hungry
-You never are, but come join me anyway? Please?
Brett looked at Eddy's warm brown eyes begging him for his company, it was impossible to resist.
Eddy stroked his cheek and his fringe carefully with the back of his hand. Brett closed his eyes from pure pleasure, feeling that cool skin of his lover so gently against his own hot and sweaty.
-You have a fever again today?
-Yeah, I guess. Brett shrugged.
-Come on, you need some food. I thought we could do some takeout to night, I'm too tired to start prepping Christmas-dinner now, but I've bought it. You can help me making it tomorrow, yeah?
Eddy sighed loudly.
-Omg, I'm exhausted, it's CRAZY out there! Billions of people! You really can't move anywhere, there are people everywhere! God, I think it took me 2 hours just to buy that ham steak! I was moving in a queue all the way!
-Eddy...
-Yeah?
-How come you're in such good spirits?
-How can I not be? It's christmas! And I'm celebrating with the most beautiful man on the whole planet!
-I'm sorry, I... just hate being sick
-I know! That's why I thought we could get ourselves a nice meal and watch a christmas-movie together! It has to help at the bad mood, hasn't it?
Eddy looked like a child when he uttered that last sentence. His eyes full of expectations and excitement. Brett felt his heart melt. At the same time sadness washed in over him again. He hadn't been able to even think about getting a gift for Eddy this year. If he knew what to buy, he certainly could get one of his friends to fix it for him, but he didn't know what to get him.
-I didn't get you anything though...
-You mean as a present? That doesn't matter! After all, that's not untill tomorrow! Don't think about that NOW! COME OOON, I'm hungry! Let's eeeeeeaaat!
Brett snorted in respons to Eddy's fuzz.
-Ok ok, let me get my t-shirt on.
Brett lay with his head in Eddy's lap, he had been eating a little bit and he felt stuffed.
Eddy was sitting there, stroking Brett's hair, they watched the movie in silence. Brett watched everything happening sideways, and he didn't care for paying attention to it really. He couldn't follow it that way, but he didn't care for moving either. The warmth from Eddy's thighs underneath him, and his slender, loving fingers playing with his hair, was enough for him to not move at all.
A shiver came over him.
Eddy stopped his movement immediately.
-You ok? A deep worry in his voice.
-I feel cold. Guess it's that fever going on again.
-You are a little cold. Your temperature is really living it's own life.
-I know
-Hang on.
Eddy reached out and found the blanket at the end of the couch, the one that Mia left behind when she left him, that furry one. Actually Mia left quite a few things in his apartment. (She was staying there almost all the time while she was actually living somewhere else, just like Brett did now, all those years they were dating. )
Eddy didn't really mind it though. It wasn't painful to think about her anymore. She was a finished chapter. A good one. Lots of good memories, but they didn't ache anymore. Deep inside his heart Eddy knew all the time that he belonged to Brett, even when he was with Mia. He was so happy he finally dared to tell Brett how he felt, and he was grateful as fuck that he shared his feelings.
It was amazing!
Eddy tucked the blanket tight around his love. God, Brett had got so much tinier, skinnier! Brett had always been a little, cute guy to Eddy, but now he almost felt like a child in Eddy's lap. Way too small!
-You comfy? He asked and Brett nodded.
He grabbed Brett's right hand, only bones and some cold skin.
His first thought was to speak his worry, tell Brett he had lost way too much weight, that he needed to eat more. But he stopped himself. He knew Brett knew. He couldn't help it. It wasn't like Brett was doing it on purpose. It was just so... frightening!
Eddy felt a wave of fear washing through his system. What if... he was about to.. lose him? If this was the last Christmas they'd have together?
If Brett...?
Tears were suddenly pressing behind his eyes again and he forced himself to think about something else, the movie!!
He wasn't able to hide the sniffles though, and as soon as one let out, Brett turned his head, and his body as well, now lying on his back, looking right up at him, his eyes burning.
-Eddy, I m so sorry!
-About what??
-You being stuck here with me! I know you miss your family!
-Are you kidding me?! Eddy laughed and stroked Brett's fringe away from his forehead.
-I love being stuck here with you! I could've left you those hours to have that dinner with them if it was THAT important to me, but it really isn't! I CHOOSE to be here with you, and that feels GREAT! He smiled honestly and he could see how Brett noticed it, because he didn't ask anymore about it. Eddy hoped Brett had forgotten his crying, but he hadn't.
-You miss Mia?
Eddy felt like someone flushed icecold water through his veins, but tried not to flinch too much, so that Brett could see it.
He breathed deeply, and answered, pure and honestly, and he hoped Brett heard it: -No, I don't. I did for some time, you know, I was used to having her around here, but it's really more about that I'm used to her than actually missing her. Why?
-Because this blanket is hers. It smells like her.
They both laughed.
-Well, you better leave your scent in it , so I can have it to smell you when I miss you from now on then! Eddy said while he was caressing the face of the love of his life. He gently let his fingers slide down Brett's nose, his closed eyelids, his cheeks... knowing he was about to fall asleep.
-Don't worry babe, I was just asking. I...trust you and your friendship with her with all my heart. I know....you would never cheat on me...or anything, Brett mumbled, while taking deep breaths here and there in the middle of the sentence.
The pain shot through Eddy's whole body, he clenched his eyes and tilted his head backwards. Looking up in the ceiling through tearywet eyes, he repeated, whispering to himself:
-I forgive myself, I forgive myself...
Fortunatly Brett couldn't hear it. He was already fast asleep.
