Ruin Me

Zero

    2002 July

       I looked out the small attic window watching as people walked by. It was the only connection I had with the world outside aside from church. My sister and I were both heavily guarded and my aunt was a cruel person trusting neither of us to keep our secret. Her adult son raped me at knife point and she would beat my sister, this house was our battlefield. I tried to keep her safe but I always managed to fail. I always came to late. My innocence was stolen  in that weather worn house in the heart of Portland, as roaches claimed the walls and the smell of mildew assaulted me. He told me I was beautiful  and nothing ever hurt as much as it did that day.
     I cried alone in the bathroom floor holding old fashioned razorblades in a shaky hand cutting away at my thighs. I watched as the bright red blood filled the small wounds on my pale legs and quickly spilled over falling down towards my knees like crimson tears. It wasn't the first time I cut and it wouldn't  be the last. This was better than thinking. This numbed it all. Slowly I stood up and looked in the mirror my blond hair was, a mess,out, my face tear streaked, and my hazel eyes were to wide. My long dark lashes drew you to them. My nose was neither to small nor to big it was a little on the fat side though, it fit my heart-shaped  face so it was fine. My lips were full and pink my lower lip a little bigger than my top making them cute and pouting. I was skinny fat a Orting to alot of people, I was a c cup with was to big in my opinion, I was to tall , my hips to wide and my thighs were to thick. My sister was a mirror image of me  and we often were mistaken for twins. Everyone said we were beautiful.
      I thought I was ugly while believing she was beautiful. I needed to change.  I could never be waek again. I slammed the medicine mirror open suddenly angry at my reflection. She was pathetic. I hated her. I was broken inside bleeding painfully from having my virginity stolen. It was all I had left. Just a year ago my mother had passed away and my father sent us away so he could grieve without us there to burden him. He said he'd  bring us home one day.

2003 October

     Pregnant... oh no. No. No. No. Why me? I had been home for six months and I had gone to a party with a friend. I didn't  remember much about that night. I was given a drink and I started to feel funny. I remember I was lead to the back of the house. The room smelt of stale ciggarets and beer, the walls were stained yellow, the carpet was probably once white but it had changed to a slight beige after years of neglect, there was a mattress with some blankets. Then all that is left are flashes of memory. I am on my knees he has his hand on the back of my throat making me go down I couldn't  breath. Next he is inside me. Next I am asking people for a phone bamging on doors crying, I need to call my dad. I woke with scraped on my knees and hands, I had bruises on my thigs. I was sore. I was told I tried and fell and I hurt myself.
      I believed everyone. Tears stung my eyes. I didn't  know who the father was! What was I going to do? This was such a night mare. I crumbled to the floor tears ailing down my pale face in small rivers. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? I looked at the dirty bathroom. Tile through my tear soaked vision. I could see the areas where it had broken off. The toilet was just as dingy, a roch scurried a cross the tile. Bile rose in the back of my throat, I couldn't  keep it. I couldn't keep this thing that was growing in my womb!
     I cried and fought the sick feeling that was crawling up my stomach and filling my throat. I wanted to scream! This life was a nightmare. This was hell and I was surrounded by nothing but demons. I quickly grapped a razer off the cracked beige rectangular tub and cut away at my thighs watching as the blood filled my wounds and spilled over and stopped just over my knees. I was starved and to thin. I was hoping g the thing in my womb would die. Kill it I begged any diety that would hear me.