My downward spiral and the fight to claim my life back....

      I think its safe to say that Ive been through more in my life than alot of people have. Ive absolutely had more downs than ups, more bad than good. I try not to have regrets though because Id rather learn from my mistakes and be strong than to go through life not seeing the true value and lessons in things. Every bad experience does have something good hidden behind it some where. 

      The biggest regret I do have though is not letting my brother know exactly how much he meant to me. I suffer every day from his loss, it effected my life and put fourth the downward spiral that lead to alot of demons being forced into my closet after he died... 

      Ill never forget the day I found out that my brother passed away. 8 yrs ago and it still feels like yesterday, however 7 of those yrs turned into a total haze of drugs, depression, agony, pity, rage and denial. I instantly went from being happy, self reliant and feeling like I was on top of the world to feeling like I had to struggle just to take a breath let alone function.  

      Within the first 6 months after I lost him I found myself only able to some what function if I put myself in a opiate haze. I started with taking pills, then graduated to shooting them up, and then to shooting up herion. My tolarance grew faster and higher than I was ready for or even before I knew what I was really getting myself into.  

      I wish I knew then how true the phrase misery loves company actually is. Of course I was already miserable, but my boyfriend at the time was even more miserable with himself and his life because of his own demons. He is the one that introduced this lifestyle to me. When u have two people that only divide their lives of seeing how high they can get and then getting more of that substance to full fill that craving it doesn't leave to much time to actually do normal things. The sacrifices in an addicts life are unimaginable. Things normal people take for granted become a distant memory. The biggest thing I lost was just relying on food and air to live. As werid as that may sound its true.... 

      Almost instantly my body became dependant on opiates, therefore when I didn't have it the with drawls were uncontrollable. I felt like I was dying, I could not mentally of physically function without it. The second I opened my eyes in the morning and throughout the day if I didn't have enough to feed my body's cravings for it. The with drawls consisted of body aches and pains, chills, sweats, vomiting, diarea, dizziness, tremors, seizures, bone and muscle pains and even seeing things that weren't there. The only thing that made them tolerable or go away was of course more opiates. I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy. At the time I saw absolutely no way out, I wasn't strong enough to go through the with drawls all the way, they lasted too many wks. I knew I couldn't do it alone, it had already killed me. I also couldn't afford to go into detox, so the only help available to me was a methadone program, which in all reality is just a crutch, you still have to rely on taking a substance everyday or face being sick. The only difference is that its legal. 

      I could barely even stomach the girl that would look back at me in the mirror. The person I remembered would smile back at me, now I saw a dark shadow of someone I didnt know. Not only was I going through emotional changes but I was also facing alot of physical changes such as extream weight gain and loss, bruises and scars from my injection sites, always looking tired, and all around looking run down from the rollercoaster of being going through withdrawls and then getting high again. My body was in shock. 

      Supporting a habit like that is not easy, especially when its 2 ppl. We both worked off and on but you really cant hold down a job for long. We ended up always having to borrow money from friends and family, selling whatever we had that was worth anything, and eventually even stealing. Sometimes Joe would even go out and beg people for money. 

      To give you an idea of how much our habits were costing us, I had gotten a settlement from a car accident I was in for over $10,000 and it only lasted a few weeks. For neither one of us to be sick and just function it would cost on average about $250 - $300 a day. We both were seeing doctors that prescribed us the pills, but we still had to find someone to cover the cost of the doctor and then the prescriptions, so it was a never ending cycle of loaning, borrowing and paying back pills. When it came to the heroin, it always had to be paid for upfront though. 

      There were alot of close calls looking back. There were many times that I was around people on the brink of death. There was even quite a few I went through with my own life. There are several periods of times that I still dont remember to this day. Theres nothing scarier than walking up to the paramedics standing over you saying, "We brought her back, we have a steady heart beat now." Meanwhile your father is in the backround crying. 

      There were actually about 5 different times that stick out in my mind of over doing it and having people tell me how much I scared them, how many times I quit breathing or the stupid things I would do and have no memory of. At the time it really didn't bother me because in all honesty I would rather of had my life end for my sake, the people around me and mostly for my parents. It never sat right with me that the only emotions my dad ever really showed were due to me hurting and worrying him. But there was one major flaw in my thinking, I don't believe in taking your own life, so I guess some where in the back of my mind I thought that if I wasn't actually aware that I was killing myself, then I couldn't be held liable for it on judgement day. Yes, I know that doesn't make any sense.  

      With each time that I got closer to death though a little voice inside of me got louder and louder each time telling me that I was here for a reason and a purpose. Trust me I did try to block it out but it was overwelming. Eventually I started to listen to it and believe it. I just needed to devolop a plan to save my own life and ultimaltly save myself from myself. 

      My lifestyle had caught up to me and I was arrested for trying to obtain pills with a fake prescription. I was bonded out and put on probation, however I violated it. When I was rearrested the judge told me that I was facing five years unless some miracle happened. That was the beginning of the rest of my life.  

      When I was booked into jail and put through medical screening they knew I was on drugs and would be facing withdrawls. They put me on meds to ease them a little, but it was still the worst few months of my life. I couldnt sleep or eat and was sick for a long time. 

      I kept having to go back to court and it would get moved to a different date for one reason or another. Finally the judge told me that she could reinstate my probation or I could try and fight it, but if found guilty I was facing five years. That little voice came back and said that if I took reinstatement then I would just get out and do the same stuff again and really not learn my lesson. So I looked her in the face and told her I would fight it. 

      A few months later I was released from jail, detoxed, healthy and with a new mind set. However just being released from jail was just the beginning of my journey on getting my mind together and getting sober. I didn't realize at the time how much work it would take and just how strong I'd have to be. I was on a mission though to save myself from the hell I had been living in for the past few years...