The Adventures and Failures of my Love Life and College

The Beginning

The first girl I truly loved never loved me back.

When we first met she helped me cope with my father almost dying the first time around. She helped me with my tears of fear, but she also gave me tears of happiness. She was one of the first people who told me that I'm strong enough to face my demons. She comforted me in my darkest hours.

Her kindness was what made me fall in love, but all it ever was was kindness.

We started dating a couple of months later. She was on her phone the whole time on our first date. She asked me to be her girlfriend on the third date.

I told her when I was going to come out to my dad, but she forgot. I was ok with that though, because my father told me not to tell anyone about me being gay. She never said much about that.

I didn't end up telling him about her until three years later. I didn't get much of a reaction from him either.

I remember being so nervous at what to do because she was asexual. I didn't know if it was ok to hold her hand, but she never held mine either. I tried to so many times, and when she had me watch Harry Potter for the first time I almost did hold it. I touched her hand, but I chickened out. After the movie you were on your phone again, but I just found your smile beautiful.

I rarely saw that smile directed at me.

Our last date was at a flea market, with trump everywhere in the city. I remember walking around and laughing at the books and signs. I remember us looking at everything that looked cool.

I remember the little record area at the flea market. I remember as the old man put on this old song from a cartoon. I remember her hand in mine as we danced. I think the old man realized who we were to each other, but he didn't say a word. I cried when I saw the record I bought with her.

The last time we saw each other was at a football game. The alumni from my school was playing, but she only showed for a few minutes. Later me and friend were at dinner and I got a call. It was over.

She said that it was because she was busy. She went to this fancy magnet school, known to be one of the top in the country. I respected it and told her it was ok. That if she changed her mind I was still here.

She started dating someone else a month later. It was then that I accepted the truth.

The person who introduced us confirmed it. I was too slow. I didn't have the courage to hold her hand. Now I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety. At the time I couldn't even speak to my teachers, but what was her excuse?

Looking back, the only thing she ever owed to me was the truth. That she just wasn't that into me. She didn't owe me her love, but leading me on how she did was wrong. Now the signs are so clear, but back then I was a fool in love.

A year later she texted me asking to be friends, but after a week she stopped responding. I didn't care that much that time.

I last talked to her when I was on tinder. I saw a girl who looked just like her, but spelled in the way she hated. I texted her asking and she was over 60 miles away. Ended up talking about her bird and roommate, but she just stopped messaging me mid conversation. That time I wasn't affected. I just messaged the tinder girl back, went on a date with her, and after her saying she'd like a second date just completely ignored me.

Now I'm thankful for both of them, but back then it hurt. I didn't deserve to be treated like that, but it took the experience for me to grow

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A/N: Well I'm rewriting what I had cause it didn't go to well. Tried with the style and it didn't work out. I kept fluctuating too much, so I'll just keep how I talk out of this, because it doesn't really transfer to writing