Forever Pain

Prologue

Before the day ends, some of us have already plans for tomorrow. Some want every detail to be executed perfectly. They anticipate what their day must be; from the time they open their eyes to the time they get up from bed. I envy those kind of people.

It sounds easy? Maybe for others but not for me. Here am I, laying on my dark room staring up on my luminous starry ceiling, no fucking plan and no idea how I will start my day. I am so empty. Ironically, I haven't started my day yet but I am already drained.

Getting up in the morning is more than like a struggle for me. Starting my day is another one. It's more than killing myself.

Killing myself?

The though sounds enticing but it is never that easy. I have option to do so but my conscience says I have to  choose not to. How could I think about death when everytime I open my eyes I am reminded that I don't deserve to die, at least not yet, rather I have to suffer. Suffer for the things that happened from the past. These ghosts keep on chasing me. They are always inside of me. I want to get used in numbing the pain inside of me.  Hopefully, I am getting there. So I can carry more heartache for day to day God has created.

Starting my day means the beginning of my death sentence that it seems endless. I have to face the torture of my hell. Hell that never stops stabbing million of nails on my chest and induces pain all over my body. It is harder than anyone could imagine of. Despite my stressful life I have to use my mask, plaster from ear to ear smile, and portray my character to conceal the sad soul.

Minsan mas gugustuhin ko na lang na mabuhay tulad ng mga kwentong nababasa ko sa libro. May mga pagsubok na kinakaharap ang mga tauhan pero alam mo na magiging maayos ang lahat sa dulo. Kaya siguro naiibigan ng lahat kahit paulit-ulit yung kwento. Hindi sila magsasawa dahil minsan ay ginusto rin nilang magkaroon tulad ng sa libro.

Hindi ko masisi ang iba sa pagkakaroon ng mataas na pamantayan pagdating sa pagpili ng kanilang iibigin at sa kung paano nila patatakbuhin ang kanilang buhay. Kahit papaano nakakatakas sila mula sa hagupit ng realidad.

Ito rin minsan ang nagiging takbuhan ko mula sa mga halimaw na pilit akong iginagapos at hinihila patungong impyerno. Minsan pinangarap ko rin makawala at magpumiglas sa kadenang nakakabit sa aking leeg. Sino ba ang gugustuhing mabuhay ng tulad sa mayroon ako? Alam ko na ito'y panandalian lamang. Alam ko rin na kailangan kong harapin ang realidad. Ito Ang totoo at at ito ang dapat dahil ito ang kabayaran sa mga nangyari sa nakalipas. Hindi madaling makalimutan ang mga bagay na tapos na kung patuloy itong ipaaalala sa'yo. Kasabay nito ay ipaaalala rin ang mga paghihirap, sakit at pait na patuloy kong dadalhin hanggang sa huli ng aking hininga.

Ang pagnanais kong magkaroon ng buhay na naayon sa gusto ko ay katumbas nito ang kamatayan ko. Ito Ang buhay ko. Forever Pain.