Thoughts

Thought 1

"If you loved me, why'd you leave me"

Thoughts

I have a problem much like Holden Caulfield. I alienate myself from anyone and everyone that could give two shuts about me and it makes me feel like crap sometimes but then I think it's for the best. It's what I deserve.

If people care about me then they'll be hurting when I hurt and I don't want that. People who don't care about me but just talk to me whenever they want as a last resort of for a good time once in a while, those are the people I feel safe with. In our class emotions are shunned away and thought to be weaknesses though personally I find them to be strengths but after ten years of being with more or less the same batch I suppose I've began believing that and I don't know if it's the influence of my classmates or my own thinking but I've come to realise that they're right.

Emotions lead to turmoil. In grade 6 and 7 I didn't think about this so I went through tremendous ups and downs in my mood, the symptoms almost pointing towards cyclothymia. I didn't think I was depressed as such but maybe mild depression does prevail in my personality. It would make sense as depression can often be hereditary and my mother struggles through it but she's an extremely strong person as se fought to overcome her depression that came with her being bipolar and now she's a stable happy {most of the time} person. My grandmother has struggled through it her whole life I think and I have reasons to believe she's had some eating disorder in the past. Even my great-grandmother struggled due to this mental illness and neither of them bothered to get themselves checked and get help. My mother did and now she's happy.

Back to my problem at hand which I'm sure several people in my age group share; alienation, or trust issues. I guess the basic concept of alienating yourself from everyone is that if I cut myself off, if I make myself unapproachable, if people don't know too much about me then I can't get hurt by them. It's logical to me and several others I'm sure but I question this as well.

If you question everyone's motives then that leads you to believe that there's not a single good soul on this planet and that's not what I want to think. I'm sure there are, but is it worth the risk? The risk of being betrayed, back stabbed, made fun of for something as trivial as having a different taste in music than your 'friends'? I don't think so.

The trust issues developed around 7-8 months ago? Yeah, around that time I began realising something important; everybody lies. Gregory House has said it countless times and he's hardly every wrong. Don't think I'm blindly following some made up characters words, I've given a lot of thought to it and I honestly believe he's right. There's not a soul alive that's never lied. It could be something as trivial as lying about how you had slept by ten last night to your mother or something as major as lying and blaming someone else for your mistakes. Whatever it is everyone has done it.

Which brings me back to the trust issues. My logic is;

No trust = No hurt emotions

Sure life may become a bit bland but who gives a fuck? I'd be more concerned about how safe it is eating a tarantula than how good it tastes, and the same concept applies to life I suppose.

A/N: I'm sorry for the horribly typical song quote in the beginning but as I so as this story is more for my own therapy than for the readers enjoyment so bear with me. I thought it was just well suited to this chapter.