I swear I'm happy

Rise up

No one could understand how it feels to have your heart broken until it does. To have the person you love more than anything in the world take it and crush it in their hands. It's the most excruciatingly painful thing you can go through without leaving a mark. Scientists say a broken heart can kill you. Sometimes that's what it feels like. Like you're dying from the pain. Like your heart really is in pieces and you'll be next. At least, that's how I felt on February 16th 2020. That's how I felt when the call was over. I may have been able to put a smile on my tear stained face when in the moment but that night, by myself in my room. I felt that horrible pain. I cried like I was overflowing with tears and need to let them out. Like I was dying. It's hard to stop crying. It's hard to let the pain subside, but what people don't realize is that the pain never really leaves. It leaves a painful scar that stays for so long you forget it's there.

As I lay there on my queen sized bed thinking about that faithful night of my breaking heart I couldn't help but let out a whimper, maybe out of sadness, longing, or maybe just pity for my lonely self. A tear trickled down the side of my cheek until it fell onto my bed. Is he crying for me? I thought to myself. Is he thinking about everything we did together? Is he thinking about that FaceTime call like I am? Or is he just texting the next girl on his contacts.

Stop it, you're better than this, get up. This isn't your first heart break and it won't be your last. Get up.

I slowly push my self up into a sitting position.
I really do need to pull myself together. I have way more things to worry about than some silly boy. But he's not just any boy.

I let out a long sigh and start to get ready for school. I open my dresser and take out my army green long sleeve shirt and my light blue mom jeans. I slip out of my night clothes and put the jeans and shirt on. I put my hair in a loose bun and grab a white sock and a neon green sock from my dresser. Of course I can't match socks, I'm too lazy. I apply some lip gloss and some mascara. After all that I quickly skip down the stairs. You can do this, they don't need to know you're sad, it's not their problem. I tell myself in my head.

"Hey mom" I say to my mom.

"Hey sweety, how we doing today?" She says in a sweet and happy tone with a hint of a sympathy. Of course I knew what she was referring to.

" I'm doing great, I feel much better" I lie.

She nods with a small smile not really believing my lie.

I sit at the counter and pour some cereal but I'm not really feeling it. Ah well, it's in the bowl now, I gotta eat it.

After I finished it I grabbed my bag and walked out the door to catch my bus.

"Bye love you!" I yell to my mom.

"Love you too, have a good day!" She repliés in the same tone.

As I step out, a cold breeze hits me square in the face. What did you expect dumbass, you live in canada and it's February. Good point. I walk the short block and a half to my bus stop. My bus, as usual is already at my stop. I climb on and sit near my four best friends. They instantly start comforting me and asking me what happened etc.

You know that feeling when something happens and you don't cry until someone asks if you're okay? I'm quite the opposite. I put on a big fake smile and answered all their questions in a positive tone without faltering for a moment. Then, satisfied with my answers they went back to their phones. I plugged my earphones in and listened to my depressing music while looking out the window into the cold fields covered in snow. Well I just delt with that like a boss, okay you can go back to being depressing. I sat the rest of the hour long drive with my eyes glued to the window but not really seeing what's on the other side. Not because it was dark, but because I can't focus on anything but that night. His tears, the fight, the feeling of wanting to break down and cry but not being able to out of pride. I remember everything. Well, I remember the feelings I had that night. How I felt when we both knew it was really over. The words are all just a haze now. But I remember his face, the way his eyes looked like they had lost sight, his whole body melting into his bed and the tears starting to flow. I remember being angry and stressed from all the lying, the secrets, the spiteful comments. I ended it, I chose to let things go. I told him it was over. I don't regret my decision, I regret never telling him sooner.

Just then we suddenly stop. We're at school genius. I grab my things and step down the stairs of the bus onto the paved entrance to my high school. My friends close in front of me in their own conversations. We enter the school and I instantly regret waking up this morning. How ami going to hold back the tears all day? What if I puke from the stress? What if someone asks about him? You'll just have to deal with it. Right. Okay. I can do this. Just keep moving. I get up to my locker, unlock it and grab my books. It's only a day at school, I can do this.

Hi guys, this book is more like a diary to me, I recently went through a heart break and most of this book is what happened but spiced up for your entertainment.