Take a breath

Take a breath. chapter 1: Primary

Well let's say life wasn't smooth sailing. I wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, nor the most athletic one either. I felt misplaced in primary school. Yes I was born in Australia, but because of my oriental features, people would naturally assume I could not write, speak, listen to English. It frustrated me. Made me want to yell. The first year of primary school, I can barely recall any good memories. Only ones with my family, my mum spoiling me to bits. Being the only child back then I had different view of everything. Most of the memories consisted of having no friends and one teacher who despised me. It took me until high school to realize she did not like me because I was an "Asian." By the end of the first year my family and me took off to China. I spent nearly a year there, happily learning my native language, interacting making friends and then the time came when we had to go back.

Grade 2, I skipped, principle said I didn't need it in order to advance to grade 3. So i started school for the second year but in grade 3. I ended up with most brilliant of teachers, to my luck. Her name was Ms Lions. If I can remember. She realized automatically I was unable to speak English properly, due to the months I went to school in my homeland. I was given to special language teachers. I was beginning to feel at place in Australia. At that time I made friends with a girl named; Emily. We discovered that we lived near each other and although did not have many things in common, got along just fine. The year ended and I reluctantly said goodbye to Ms Lions.

Grade 4 to 5 went by in a flash. In grade 4 particular there was this one teacher who always wore a scowl on her face, and her whole face was sun burnt, besides the places she covered with her sunglasses. Foolishly enough, my friend choice from grade 3 to 4 were not great. Their influence made me behave in rude ways, but I was pulled away from them after Me Lions talk some sense back into me. I think the reason I stayed with them for so long was I thought they were kind of cool back then. On the other hand the present me would scoff at their "bloody mary chants in the bathrooms."

Grade 5 and 6 were normal years. I had close acquaintances but not quite friends during these years. Until I met my future Best friend; Maddie. She was the new girl, I had not thoughts but that she was had really pretty hair. Bouncy brunette curls. She had sat alone at lunch by the tuck shop, on a bench. I decided to try to make friends with her. Walking over to her she looked up. There was no judgment in her eyes because of my race. She instead smiled. I smiled back and made a lame joke. She laughed. I started to babble, my bad habits. She listened patiently and then a bird dropped a bomb on my shorts. Silence. Then loud bursts of laughter from both us. We became best friends from then on. Together we made fun of our teacher who I shall not name. He had Canadian accent and during the years we went to primary school would use the phrase; Smarten up, insert name. My grades were pretty good getting Bs and As however I could not comprehend Maths. I struggled with the simplest of things. From multiplications to adding with double digits. I guess I really needed that extra year.

Grade 7 the most eventful year of my life; and the start of silly friendship feuds. Emily and me fought over Maddie. I tried to think of why we did it, but I guess all I can say is; primary school. We made the class split up and take sides. Yelling insults. Calling each other named. Making snide remarks. Now if I were to go back to my primary self I would tell her to, "snap out of it girl." The most vivid memory though was the crush I had on this one boy named, Jayden. I liked him alot until he opened his mouth. Like most guys in our school, he thought rudeness equalled coolness. I told both Maddie and Emily of this crush of mine. Im still not quite sure who told everyone but soon the whole school knew including Jayden himself. He would make remarks about it, until one day I said, "I wouldn't go out with you if you were last boy on earth!" I discovered during this year I was the most clumsy person to walk to earth. On my birthday we were marking a map, I walked around the place unaware of the giant mud puddles. I slipped and fell. Splash. Splatter. Laughter. Everyone was laughing except Maddie, she rushed over to help me. I felt intense embarrassment back then. But now I laugh it off, a silly memory, no need to worry about it.

At the end of Grade 7 I learned the truth about my family and about my dad. My mom sat my 13 year old self down and slowly began to explain. My dad was mentally unstable. My dad's relatives blamed my mum for his mental break down. To be honest I figured it was my grandma's pushiness superstitious nature and my both uncles twisted money grabbing ways. She told me of having to raise me alone with my dad being in mental hospital. My dad's family never giving an actual sh*t about us. Only my mom's side supported her. By the time she had finished, tears had formed in her eyes and she said, "that's why i want you to work hard so you do not have to suffer the hardship." I cried tears of anger. Pure hatred had formed towards my uncles and cousins. I couldn't comprehend why they could be so cruel to their own relative. It impacted immensely on my self mentality as well. Downhill my logical thoughts went, I didn't want this. I couldn't believe this. It made it worse when my mom revealed more; she had to give me to my grandma to look after cause she had not enough money. Even though my dad's relatives were sending money to cousins who were already stocked, not one cent was given to her. By the time the family gathering had arrived, that occured every Christmas, I refused to look anyone in the eye. I was felt it was unfair to my mom that they could sit here smiling and laughing their a**** off while my mom had suffered so much.