"IT" A Life Surrounded by Quotations or, The Neurotic's Eulogy

I ALWAYS feel like I'm just this side of "getting it."
What "IT" exactly is  that I'm supposed to be "getting" is where I ALWAYS seem to "get lost."
"IT" however,
seems to be quite the "Master of Elusian."
"IT" leaves me to tread deep water,

G
A
S
P
I
N
G ...

in a "sea of ambiguity," 
alone and desperate.
Hoping someone,
(maybe even YOU)
will "come by" to show me what EXACTLY
"IT" is that I'm missing.
So I can take a break ...

So I don't drown.
(most likely from exhaustion)
And die.
(Jesus Christ! I really am neurotic)

Also
Known
As ...

"the girl who never quite "got it."
But boy, you really had to admire her spirit.  I couldn't handle "IT." Some of the shit she went through  ... "
followed by downcast eyes paired with "the inevitable sigh."
The long pause ...
Casting them,
OVER
A cynical shadow they can't avoid.
(Is "IT" too dramatic?)

"IT" never broke her though."

(I want to roll my eyes, only I can't, because "IT's" OVER)

Another long pause ...
Downcast eyes.
THE "inevitable sigh."
No one knows what to say.
No one ever did.
Because what the hell EXACTLY does one say to all of that?

(I want to laugh. "IT" is ALL, so terribly ridiculous)

And they stifle their chuckles momentarily because afterall,
("IT" is what you do")
at somber occasions before someone catches on
(I like to imagine "IT" is YOU)
and can no longer contain themselves because "IT" really was ALL so very ridiculous.
Because ...
"IT" was the inevitable. 
And YOU "know" I would be laughing at "IT" too.
(IF I was there)
And "IT" is O.K.
The mere fact that you're all "TRYING" 
To keep your composure
Discussing MY life
Surrounded by ostentatious quotations,
when YOU know "good, God damned well" that I would hate to see YOU cry.
So YOU laugh
Your brawny laughter
(Surrounding me in "quotations")
With that smile of yours
I "just adore" because ...
(I loved YOU)
"IT" has to be enough
(for us both)
Before that bullying, cynical pause resurfaces.

"And MAN, she could tell a tale ... 
That laugh.
And then there was that smile ... "
(Too bad YOU never saw "IT")

~Amy Beth~ ©2019