: 04182012
" How does it feel when you see the man you love giving the love you deserve to someone else? "
" I don't know... I wish I knew. "
" So, you're saying that you've never been through it? "
" I've been through it, I just -- I never really acknowledge those feelings before. "
" Why is that? If you love someone and they hurt you, you are going to feel it! You're going to feel the pain of that person has caused you, you're going to feel empty! Why don't you feel that? Did you not love him? "
" I do love him! I loved everything about him! That's what got me into this problem! Falling in love with him was the problem! I should've never gave him my love, I should've never trusted him! He hurt me, and I'm stupid enough to always come back to him, I always run back to him ! I always run back to the pain, the hurt, the heartbreak! But, it's not my fault. I can't -- I can't leave him. I try so hard, but -- the heart wants what it wants. "
I arrived home from my interview an hour later . I look around the apartment to see if he was still here. Part of me wanting this, the other; dredding.
" Harry? "
" Yeah? I'm in here. "
I walked onto the patio and let the cool breeze hit me again. He smirked at me slightly, but I turned away before he noticed.
" Hey baby. How was your interview? "
" Good. "
I said not making eye contact with him. He looked at me with concern and came closer. He pushed my head up, forcing me to look him in his eyes.
" Ales ... what's wrong? "
" Nothing, I'm okay. I just -- the interview went good, really good. How was your work out? "
" Stop trying to change the subject, baby. You're not okay. Everytime I try to talk to you, you push me away. Talk to me, Alessandra! "
" Why are you so worried about how I feel now? You never -- you never cared before. YOU push me away, I noticed it, accepted it and returning the action . "
" are you serious right now?! Ales, I love you ... "
" you can love someone and still push them away, Harry! You tell you love me, when we break-up you tell another woman the same things you tell me. When we get back together, you think I wouldn't find out... it breaks my heart. I'm always in pain, I can never smile when I'm with you, I try and I try everyday, but... I can't. I just can't. "
Harry took a couple steps away from me, and walking into the living room. He closed the door behind him, leaving me outside.
Why are men so emotional? Y'all cause the pain and you expect us not to be hurt about it? You cause us the unwanted tear stains on our pillows. Then you expect us to love y'all with open arms. but, I do love him. and I do want to love him with open arms. he's my everything. regardless of the pain, I love him..
: 04232012
" Ales... your interview is on. "
" I'll be right there. "
we sat on different sides of the couch and stared at the television. A part of me remembers what I said during the hour, the other tries to forget. Occasionally, I look over and see Harry's facial expressions. He scrunches up his face, he'll drop his jaw, and he'll widen his eyes.
" ... the heart wants what it wants. "
I zoned back after I heard that line, echoing in my head, slower and slower every time.
" if you don't want to be with me than leave . I'll be fine. I'm a big boy, I'm okay. " he said nonchalantly
" Harry, it's not like that. He just -- he hit an untouched nerve ... an untouched emotion. " I stated.
" okay. "
" okay? Okay?! Is that all you're going to fucking say?! " I yelled.
" I'm tired of trying to prove myself to you, Ales. You said it loud and clear. you say, you can't move on because you're in love with me, we both know that's not true. "
" what do you mean? why are you talking about? "
" Ales, when was the last time you told me you loved me? " he asked
" Harry, I tell you I love you everyday. " I replied
" no, you don't. I tell you everyday. Half the time, you don't want to hear it, because you think I'm cheating on you. "
" you are cheating -- "
" I have NEVER cheated on you. You constantly do this to yourself, you keep thinking I'm in love with another woman, you keep thinking I'm sleeping with another woman, when I'm NOT. Why won't you just believe me? "
" everytime we break up, you go back to her! Every... time, Harry. What am I suppose to think?, how am I suppose to know if you really love me? "
" Trust. "
I hesitated and looked away.
" you don't trust me , do you? " he continued.
" great. that's just great. " he finished.
" I'm so sorry. " I pleaded
" why are we together if you don't trust me? "
I sighed as a tear slipped from my eye. I'm confused. I love him, but I don't trust him. I don't want to be with him, but the pain of losing him .. hurts.
I think I'm just afraid of seeing another woman in his arms. I cannot bare myself to see that ever happening.
" so, it's agreed? "
" Yes. " I nodded.
" I will always love you, Alessandra."
" & I will always love you, Harold. "
: 05062013
// harry //
she was cheating on me. Ahhh... I should've expected it. her accusations, her unplanned lies, her trying to pin the blame on me.
Yeah.
I think - I think when it's all over, it comes back in flashes, you know? It's like a kaleidoscope of memories, but it just all comes back. But she never does. I think part of me knew the second I saw her that this would happen. It's not really anything she said or anything she did. It was the feeling that came along with it. and... crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever gonna feel that way again. But, I don't know if I should. I knew her world moved too fast and too bright. But, I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks.. so much like an angel when she smiles at you? Maybe she knew that, when she saw me. I guess I just lost my balance. I think that the worse part of it all wasn't losing her, it was losing me.
Yeah. Funny thing is, I think I still..
Will always love you, Alessandra.
