TWILA DOGHEAD
by KC & Karen H
It was a typical San Francisco morning, foggy gray. Twila Doghead left her Pine Street apartment and headed down towards Polk to see what was going on. Stopping at Miz Browns’ for coffee, she looked at the person next to her at the counter, and saw a huge frog.
“I get into armpits,” the frog said, as he lifted Twila’s arms. “Yours rate a C Minus,” he continued as he lowered them again, looking disappointed.
Twila went back to drinking her coffee, when suddenly she felt dizzy and fell to the floor. Someone then picked her up. Once could say being told a C Minus armpit was enough to make you faint. She was so insulted that she promptly paid her check and ran back to her apartment, where she ripped off her shirt and looked at her armpits. “C Minus my toe!” She turned on some music.
Later she decided life was not so bad, so she left her apartment once again, only to bump into the frog. “Oh Ms. Doghead,” he said.
“Yes?”
“I’m sorry, but the truth hurts. You see, I haven’t met anyone with over a C minus armpit in twelve years.”
“Well!” she exclaimed, “Then I understand.” She then went into The Palms to listen to a new band. Their first song was entitled “Cream Cheese Toes”.
“Cream cheese in my toes.
Cream cheese up my nose.
Do dah, be wop wop,
Cream cheese in my hair
And in my underwear
Love that cream cheese
Yeah yeah yeah.”
Twila loved the song. She was grooving and moving to the beat, when this man came up to her and said, “Honey, I just love this music, and I can tell you do too. So why don’t we dance on top of the table? We can try a new dance I made up, called ‘The Crunch’.”
“Sure”, said Twila, “it sounds fun. How do you do it?”
“First you lay down on the table,” said the man.
So Twila lay down on the table with excitement. Then the man jumped into the air, and landed with his feet crashing down on her. Then he began jumping up and down on her stomach shouting, “Crunch crunch crunch!” each time he landed. Everyone else looked over and started clapping along with the man’s jumping. Then they all shouted along with the man, “Crunch crunch crunch!”
Everyone was having a great time but Twila. “I must try to enjoy this too,” she said as she tried to enjoy the feeling of the man jumping up and down on her stomach. Then she said to the man, “OK, your turn!”
So the man lay on the table and she run to the stage and ran back, leaping into the air and on to his stomach. The audience yelled, “Crunch crunch crunch!”
After the two of them finished, they were exhausted, so Twila suggested that they go relax at his apartment.
“Sounds good”, said the man, and with that they were off, only to discover he lived on Fillmore and Haight.
“Don’t you get nervous?” asked Twila.
“Oh no,” he responded, “I carry this.” And out from his attaché case came three hand grenades, a machine gun, and a portable laser.
“Oh I feel much safer now,” said Twila.
They were climbing the stairs when an old man approached them. “Food please,” he growled.
