Oh, What a Night!

He called. We beat around the bush for a bit, and then I told him what I wanted. He was a little reticent at first, then said, ‘What exactly do you want, man?’

‘Oh, the lot. You must know what people use. Look, you get it all, and supply it, and I’ll pay.’

He was silent for a few seconds, then I heard a rustle of paper, and he said, ‘What? Acid, angel dust, Bs, barbs, black Russian, blaze…’

‘Stop,’ I said. ‘You’re blowing my mind. You sound as though you’re reading from a list. I don’t know all these names. Just come with what you think they’ll all want.’

‘Okay, man. I can do that. But it’ll cost yer.’

‘How much?’

‘Several grand.’

I thought for a moment, and then said, ‘Go on. I’ve made a lot from these guys. It’s payback time. I want everyone to have a good time.’ And that’s how I left it.

Next, I had to think about the décor for the marquee. I wanted something really different. I grabbed a beer from the fridge, and went to sit in the garden to figure it out. I know, I said to myself. Funeral. I’ll do a funeral theme. I called up a couple of undertakers and asked if they could help out. One of them said, in a very deep, serious voice, ‘Would you like the coffins empty or full, sir?’

‘Full, what do you mean?’ I asked, taken aback, and wondering if I’d gone too far.

‘With a deceased in it, sir. We’ve a few of those hanging around, waiting for their funerals next week. As long as you don’t open the lid, we could bring them along. It’d give the party a bit of an atmosphere, sir.’

I coughed, spluttered, and didn’t know what to say. I shook my head. What have I done? I thought, and declined the ‘live’ effects and went for the ‘empty’ option.

~~~

When Saturday morning came, and it wasn’t raining, I sat in the garden and watched three guys as they put the finishing touches to the marquee. The undertaker turned up a few minutes later with three hearses, stacked two-deep with different-styled and coloured coffins.

‘Where do you want them, sir?’ he asked.

‘Come with me,’ I said, and started to walk to the marquee with him. I’d thought it all through since I spoke with him a couple of days earlier.

‘I want them all lined up against the sides of the tent. You know, standing up, some with the lids off. Randomly spaced all around.’

‘That’s fine, sir. I’ve bought along some ivy and white lilies, which we can drape all around them.’ He looked up at the tent’s roof. ‘May I suggest you angle those spotlights on them? Then, if all the lights are dimmed, they’ll stand out. And what about some funeral music, some old orders of service, and some tombstones? We can arrange all of that for you.’ He looked at me. ‘You want it to be authentic.’

‘Great,’ I said. ‘Can I leave it all to you?’ I walked away and imagined the funeral music playing, the lights dimmed to almost dark, and my guests walking in and seeing the illuminated coffins, the tombstones, and the orders of service of the departed. All I needed were a few bats flying around. Just as I reached my back door, and was about to go in and fix my outfit, the undertaker rushed up to me.

‘Sir, have you a moment?’

I turned to face him.

‘Would you like to borrow one of our marble slabs, where we embalm and make ready the corpses?’ I looked at him. His eyes were lit up. ‘I thought you might like to serve your drinks from there.’