I walked out and slammed the door. It’s not like they would care anyway. Every step seemed harder, knowing that I’d never come back. I continued to walk, daring not to turn around. They wouldn’t notice that their daughter is gone at all. My existence was just another burden to them, waiting to be diminished. Life would go on, whether they knew or not.
The autumn breeze was unforgettably strong; the trees rustled with delight as the leaves fell to the ground. The crimson red to and pale brown maple leaves that were once beautiful in my eyes were now nothing but wandering souls, waiting to be found. Waiting to be felt, because all their life has been a cycle, in hopes of finding happiness. I walked by my neighbor’s home and the little girl was playing with a pile of leaves. She laughed. Her dad was smiling at her, relishing the moment. She looked perfect. Exactly what I wanted to be right now. I wanted to be that care free, young girl, with nothing to think about. Just to know that the people she loved will surround her was more than enough for her. She wouldn’t have to worry about what the future holds, just yet. The leaves crunched against my feet. The clouds in the sky looked depressed, knowing that today was the end. Wasn’t that what was going to happen anyway? The trees were full of delight, yet the sky was weeping with pain. I understood the sky. I really did. It wanted the pain to end, once and for all. The constant burst of rain didn’t help the sky feel any better; only the agony was being washed away. It wanted everything to be gone, just like that. It was exactly what I was going to do.
I didn’t know what pushed me to move. Was it the force of the wind, or was it the urge to get there, and let my misery come to an end? I was on the edge, waiting for everything to finish. My heart sunk into my chest, no longer wanting to come out anymore. It was over; I have defeated the game. Life didn’t have a meaning. It was meant to kill. Life was a timer, slowly waiting to explode. I laugh at those who look at life with their bright, optimistic souls not knowing that it’s a torment. They’re just too lost in the happiness that has preoccupied their souls to realize the substantial truth.
I didn’t know when it first happened. Just felt it. This was all a really big joke. One day, my life was going to end. I work so hard; persevere for a dream that will be crushed. I try so hard to do things right, but when ends meet they don’t ever work out. I try hard to fit in when I know I never will. I didn’t feel the puzzle pieces click. Despite the amount of effort and pain I go through to perfect what means the world to me; it turns out to fail miserably. They always mistreated me. I was constantly brutalized. I was just an acquaintance to them. Our friendship was a mere joke just brought back to burst laughter within them. I’m just a person who would be there when they didn’t have anyone to talk to. I’m just someone who’d be there no matter what. Just a casual “back up.” Being the last resort was exactly what I never wanted. They would all laugh, and get along so well although they were high. They smoked weed everyday. Of course they’d offer me it, but it just wasn’t right to me. They just laughed at my odd looks and the way I was always so nice to them. And in those moments of their happiness, sadness was all I felt. Loneliness. It made my insides feel empty. I couldn’t feel a thing, but the laughter and happiness I couldn’t be with. The sadness that seemed to follow me from a far was now right behind me. It was like a black, empty, pit that could never be satisfied. I was just a pole. Just standing there, for others when they needed support. This was when I caught up to the game, the game of life. We were born to die, but these optimistic individuals fail to see the bigger picture.
The ideas and thoughts of what I wanted to do to myself were psychotic at first, but then became traditional to me. I grabbed my father’s pocketknife and started. I felt the knots forming in my stomach. My head was telling me this wasn’t right, but this only made me push the blade deeper into my skin. The first time it was nothing but pain. I didn’t know what I was doing with myself. I cried. The pain was excruciating and even worse when it was done with force, and anger. But I couldn’t think of anything else but the physical pain of the blade, and not the emotional pain of loneliness, or sadness. I watched the blood drip down my wrist. I felt the burn, but the burn was different. It took away the emotional burn that was swelling up my heart. It was daunting to know that in moments of despair, I felt the happiest forcing pain on myself. I swore to myself I would never do it again, until I came around to thinking it was perfectly fine. The pain was immune to me; it took away the heavy weight lying on my chest. It made me forget about the grief.
Things started to get worse. My mother and father wouldn’t care about me. They didn’t even care when I was in the home. They would just yell, and fight, and constantly bicker. Father started hitting mother. I would see mother cry, and I would try to comfort her, but she just pushed me away. I couldn’t do anything; all I could do was wait. Wait for him to stop. Mother didn’t even care. She just let everything happen to her. The sound of anger and frustration within their voices drove me mad, but it soon started to not bother me as well. I didn’t feel anything anymore. I just felt the pain of the blade, and that’s all I wanted to feel. I couldn’t sleep over three hours every night once I started taking the pills. I would wake up in the mornings with the biggest headaches. The emptiness would start crawling back into me. I’d start to cut myself, yet again. The blade cut deeper into my skin, making me neglect this ecstatic pain. I started skipping school to go to the park and just sit. There was no purpose of me going to class anyway. Life was just a cup of bullshit, waiting to kill you. Waiting until your body wanted to stop functioning, slowly killing your insides, and making you realize that you’re not needed anymore. Life made me realize I’m worthless. I have no meaning. I’m just a 16-year-old girl, trying to fit in. Trying to please everyone. Trying to do everything but please myself. Life has done a great job on me, making me realize that ending it myself was the way to go. At least I would be pleased with myself in such a way.
I was nearing the familiar pathways that lead to the bridge; I could see it was only meters away. The sun was shining bright, and it seemed to give off a different vibe today, almost as if it was so happy to see me taking it all away. I saw the young boy who would always be riding his bike ahead. He was making loops around his driveway, as his mother was talking on the phone. The young boy rode his bike vigorously.
“Jake sweetie don’t go too fast,” his mother called out and resumed her conversation on the phone. The small boy stuck his tongue out at his mom and continued to ride his bike. He started making larger circles.
I knew what was going to happen. He was going to go off onto the road. I didn’t want to see what was going to happen next but I was nearing their driveway. The young boy couldn’t stop himself, and slipped out of his driveway. A truck was approaching at high speed, and honking loudly. All you could see was the Pepsi symbol nearing.
“NO JAKE!” His mother yelled so loud she could be heard from miles away.
I didn’t know what I was thinking, but I sprinted after the boy. My heart was beating so fast, and my breath was heavy. I was so scared that the life of this boy would be gone, just like that. He was so young, and he hasn’t even seen the world yet. His life can’t end this way, things weren’t meant to happen to him this way. Within a few steps I got to the boy and I pushed him away. I saw the gleam of the bonnet. This was it, my life was over, and at least I know I made a difference before I died. I squeezed my eyes shut. The truck screeched and came to a sudden stop, inches away from my face. I broke the deafening silence with a sigh of relief. I opened my eyes. The mother ran across the driveway and went to her son. She held him tightly against her chest. The truck driver got out of his car.
“Are you okay young girl?” He asked me. I was startled. There were no words to explain what I was feeling right now, or how revolting that was.
“You saved my son’s life! Thank you!” The mother looked at me with care, and appreciation in her eyes. The boy was looking at me. He was crying, but he came near me and hugged my leg. I could feel the warmth of his body and how happy he felt. I was still in shock and I couldn’t move. I managed to lift my arm and pat the little boy on his head and walked away.
“Wait! Where are you going! Come back!” The mother called after me, but I drowned out their voices.
I finally reached the bridge, and looked out at the view. I looked down into the water, which I was so strong-willed on jumping into today. I saw my reflection, and smiled. I saved a boy’s life and also saved mine. Maybe there is hope; maybe I will find those leaves beautiful again, but just not today. One day, things will be exactly where they should, and the game of life has defeated me once again, my stay on this planet prolonged.
