An Encounter

This is part of As a Girl, but I'm not quite here yet in the narrative so thought I'd try it out as a short story.  Let me know what you think...

I busied myself with my dance card, which looked fairly full except for the one dance I had never gotten the hang of, the mazurka.  Probably because I’d never gotten used to following. 

Occasionally I’d look up, catch flashes of color and light as ladies spun by me, their skirts brushing my toes.  I closed my eyes; I wanted to freeze these moments, adhere them to pieces of memory.  I wanted to know what this felt like forever.  The full melodies and harmonies, the flush of golden light on the faces of the dancers, making everyone appear as cast gods in a movie.  Change was already making its way into the movements of people; the younger women stood on the sidelines, looking bored, trying to find a way to sneak booze into their punch.  Others followed the rules and held tightly to their cards, hoping for a look to come their way.  I felt Joe come in one of the Hall’s doorways, his eyes meeting mine for a moment then sweeping away with speed.  He shook hands around the room, fat men with cigars eagerly waiting to greet the country’s great new hope, eager to grab a piece of prize while still young and beautiful, eager to fill his ear with stories of their triumphs abroad.

‘Are you well Sal?’ Geraldine peered at me, keeping her voice low.

‘Yes, of course.’  I snapped, whirling around.  Seeing the shock on her face, I reprimanded myself.  ‘I’m fine.  Just wondering why I’m here, how it’s useful.  For my career I mean.’ 

‘You are your career – your face, your demeanor.  For a lesser girl, a less lucky girl, you might be a tutor like me.’  Following my gaze, Geraldine’s face transformed, concern gave way to wariness.  Her brown eyes darkened.

‘He’s not good.  For anything.  I wish he’d leave you alone.’ 

‘I wish I’d leave him alone.’  I murmured.  We gazed at each other, each knowing what these words meant to the other.  Neither of us could have what we wanted in the end.  ‘I’m sorry.  None of this matters, not really.  There are so many more important things.’

‘Are there?’ She replied softly.

Before I could reply, I was whisked away from the table by my first commitment, a young army captain in full dress.  But Geraldine’s words rattled me.  They lingered, turning over and over.  And even though I knew of more important things, I knew it was true, the question struck me dumb.  The idea of love was a triviality.  And it could no more exist if I failed here, if I disregarded my training, my genetic gift, as secondary to these feelings.  My feelings.

My eyes once more found Joe – this time leading a delicate-featured girl around the dance floor, her yellow hair shining in the limelight.  She was so beautiful that my heart seemed to stop.  And then, at once, some relief.  The universe which had given me such gifts had supplied another – freedom.  Where there is no choice, there is a kind of freedom.  I could walk away; I could finish my assignment without the trifles that blight ordinary humankind.  A slow, sad smile slid onto my face.  Like a cue, the music stopped and the crowd began to hum with voices.  I picked my way among the scattered chairs and couples, feet decided, blindly looking for a way out.

‘Miss White - Sal.’  In a flash, he was next to me; Mr Mills closing the distance, so close I could smell the outdoors on his evening jacket.  Somehow he would always belong outside, for all his graceful urbanity.

‘Mr Mills.  Busy as ever this evening, I see.’  I smiled, attempted to turn away.  I took a breath, trying to dull the ache in my chest, trying to calm the blood racing through my body. 

‘Would you take a lap, as they say in athletics?  I hear our athletes are doing splendidly in the Games.  Perhaps we should race - I bet you’d like that.’  Joe looked down at me with a hard glint in his eyes.

‘You know me so well now, don’t you?  How –’  My throat closed up, air escaping, and I struggled to finish the words erupting in my brain.  ‘I don’t understand how you could even think that would be a good idea.’  His arm clasped onto mine, dragging me back into the hall, hand scorching on my dress. You’re not holding me, I shouted in my head, I’m letting you – I could leave if I wanted – I’m so much stronger than you think.  And as those words echoed in my head I realized why I was motionless, holding court between the corridor to freedom and the dancehall.  I didn’t want to leave.  I was begging myself to see how this would end.

We were both silent as he led me around the outer edge of the hall, staring straight ahead.  A coat of emotions clung to me, anger breaking out in waves alongside fear and anticipation.

He cleared his throat.  ‘I see you filled up your dance card with haste.  Nothing suspicious there then.’

‘I’m not much of a dancer anyway, you didn’t miss anything.  Unless your aim was to parade me about the room, raising controversy.  But I’d imagine this little walk will suffice in that regard. How popular you’ll be then.’  Anger took pride of place again.  I turned and smiled sweetly at him.  Anyone would think we were discussing the weather.

‘Controversy?  What, because you’re American?’  He gave a short laugh.  ‘People expect much more of me than that for a little gossip.’

‘No.’  I gave a laugh of my own.  ‘Because you appear to be partial.’  With that I freed my arm and hurried across the shining floor, now littered with lounging people.

‘I need to leave now, Geraldine.  I am most definitely unwell.’  I took several breathes to steady myself, unused to the extreme corsetry and angry at myself for letting Joe make me discomposed.

Alarm and worry passed over Geraldine’s features.  ‘I’ll arrange for a lift and gather our things.’

I touched her arm, ‘No, really.  I think you should stay and enjoy the rest of the evening.’

‘But I’m your friend, Sal.  And I should accompany you,’ she replied, looking around at the sea of men.

‘I appreciate that, Deenie, I really do.  It would make me happier if you would stay.’  I gave her a quick hug, squeezing her hand.  ‘And I can take care of myself.’ I said, grimly.  If only she knew how well I could do that.

I retrieved my cloak and summoned a page to find me a taxi.  The night air, drifting in through the huge mahogany doors, was chilling after the stifling conditions in the dancehall.  I shivered, pulling my hood up over my ears, numbness creeping into my fingers. 

‘Why do you insist on running away from me? Can’t we just be civil to each other for awhile?’

‘Joe.’  I can’t pretend I didn’t know he’d follow me.  The idea of being alone with him was intoxicating me slowly, poison fire-like, rushing through my veins.  ‘I think we’d find civility very difficult, especially for awhile.’  I let him pull me down the hall.  Like a lamb trusting a shepherd all the way to the butcher’s.  He held me against a large stone pillar with warm hands, obscuring me from view, looking to passersby as though he were conversing with the devil on his shoulder.

‘Actually you’re right.  Civil is the last thing I’d like to be to you.’  I couldn’t stop the blood rushing to my face.

‘What are you going to do?  Corrupt me?  So that everyone in town can talk about me like the rest of your ridiculous, stupid conquests?  Those stupid, silly girls.’  Bitterness and heat raged inside me.  ‘Something more has been asked of me.  I am more than that.’

I might have slapped him; he turned his face so I could see the strong line of his jaw clenching again and again, like a piston working.

‘Do you think I don’t know that?  You’ve changed my mind.  How good we could be.’  He let me go, hands reaching up, cradling my face.  I closed my eyes, breathing him in, fixing this moment into my memory with the rest.

‘Is this how it works?  A few whispered words behind a pillar and her skirt comes off?’

He laughed.  My eyes flew open.  ‘Yes.  But not this time.’