Reborn To Live Without You (and other stories)

Reborn To Live Without You

Author's note; Because this idea came to me this morning...

When I awoke that morning before the rising sun in the east, I had a sudden realisation; today was the day I would meet my future husband.  Only in this life, he would remain little more to me than my prince and my Emperor.  I had decided long ago, after I had found myself reborn in the same life, that I would not follow the path that lead to my untimely death, that I would live this life for myself.  Even if that meant leaving the side of the man I loved.

Don't get me wrong, it was a one sided love.  My prince would have never loved a man, would never have married a man nor bed a man were it not for the clever schemes of my stepmother and older sister.  But even they were not to blame for me falling so hopelessly in love with him.

In our Empire, a prince had a series of consorts and even more concubines, but just one princess wife.  And that wife would be my sister, Lin An, born of the main wife of my father, who was the Prime Minister of the Right. Lin An who was the only legitimate child in residence.  She happened to be born just a year before me, my older sister.

But a bride was expected to bring in dowry consort, who would act as both servants and bedwarmers to their husband.  Should a dowry consort fall pregnant, she could even expect to be placed amongst the concubines, thus families often sent in cousins and concubine daughters to strengthen the position of the legal wife or consort. 

Our family had concubine daughters and they were very beautiful, but Mother feared that they would detract from the loveliness that was her daughter and that they might rise beyond their position and capture the prince's heart.  She need not have worried so, my sister fell pregnant with the prince's son on her wedding night, securing her position in his household.  Whether that child became the crown prince or one of the consorts sons' took the position, I would never know as I died the night before my husband Prince would become my husband Emperor.

It mattered not now.  Not anymore.  I planned to take my own fate in my own hands and not leave it to my family due to some filial piety or duty.

Not that I was being filial really, in my last life.  I was not a very bright child, drifting without aim or purpose as the fourth son and waste child and was 'guided' into the marriage without understanding of what it all meant. It could not really be helped. 

I was born of a maid, not even a concubine.  I was probably only accepted into my father's house as I was Male.  For all my Stepmother's scheming, she herself could not birth a second child so had to watch as the concubines gave Father sons and daughters.  My own mother died in childbirth and I was born weak and sickly.  I'm certain my fate would have died along with her had it not been for Mother claiming me, wishing to raise me.  Another pawn upon her chess board.

A pity things refused to workout the way she planned.

The tutors she lavished upon me were impatient men, brilliant in their fields, yet with lack of understanding when it came to a small child whose intelligence was not even average.  They dismissed me as waste without giving me a chance to learn anything.  Because I could not hold a brush well, I must be unable to ever write?  Because it took me time to recognise the words before me, I could never read?

And so Mother gave up and I became useless to her.  I was looked down upon with scorn, not only by my siblings and their concubine mothers, but by the servants as well.  Father simply ignored me as did Mother for the most part.  I was pretty much left to my own devices.

Drifting through life didn't feel so bad to me, it was as if life was a hazy dream, both the good and the bad and I had little attachment to it. But did have a fondness for nature and would disappear for long walks whenever the guards backs were turned, which for me, was often.  The house would be unlikely to ever bother look for me should I disappear forever.  Unfortunately for them, I always managed to wander back.