"Never Uttered a Word till Now"

Dedications

This book is dedicated to my sister Cynthia Williams and my sister Alice Martinez, also to all the people out there drowning in depression, drug abuse, alcoholism, mental illnesses, having suicidal thoughts and many dark nights living in Shame. This book is a prayer for your fresh beginning into understanding that your pass doesn't have to define who you are. Start telling yourself that you are loved, because you are. I love each and every one of you and this book was written to set you free of all the negative images that have left it's scars in your mind. You are not alone.

Acknowledgment

I must give all praises to the one and only almighty God for even granting me life, my lord you are awesome. I want to say a very special thanks to the person I hold near to my heart, my mother Soraida Haynes. I want you to knowy you did your best and for that it will never be enough words to express how grateful I'm to have had you. My Father George Haynes gone but not forgotten, you were the committed dad most children wish to have had and my love for you can't be measured. To my greatest creations, my children Nissa, Joe, Justin and my Jonathan, you are always the reason for every season in my life. God could not have giving me a better bunch. Mommy loves you always. My beautiful niece Tonye Martinez, I love you to infinity and beyond and I'm so proud of you. Let me give a huge thanks to my unconditional loving sisters Darnice and Alice Martinez. Where do I start to even try to give praise to the two of you for being the best sisters I could have ever had. This book could not have been completed without you in my life. I loved y'all yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. My dear friends that supported me and stuck by me and help create some unforgettable moments in my life, Shakeena Carter, Kenya Walker, Jackie Stewart, Cachet Burks and host of other of other friends, the list is just too long to name you all, but know I'm thankful to have met you. Margret Taylor, I love you and I think that you are one of the most beautiful people I know. I'm blessed to have you around. Marcella Martinez one of my favorite people, I love you cousin. To my aunts Elizabeth Martinez and Narita Martinez, I love the both of you so much, though we don't see each other often, you are thought of daily. My grandmother Lena Brown you were a blessing to the entire family and you'll forever be missed. I want to send a heartfelt thank you to my cousins Anthony Martinez, Shyena Martinez and to my big cousin Patricia Martinez, I love y'all. There has been so many people in my life that have inspired me, told me how great I was and believed that I would be something one day, I thank you. I'm going to close my appreciation with telling a very influential person the Lord has sent into my life, Vaughn Tinsley. You have inspired me and continue to do so with all your accomplishment, but most important you lead by example. You are a wonderful father (hey Nile) And I thank you for believing in my dreams.

Introduction

"Stop judging what you can't understand"

My name is Secret Mendez and the story I'm going to share will hopefully help a lot of people heal the pain and let go of the "Lies, Secrets, Shame & Ignorance that Ruin Families." People are in love with finding answers and playing detective for things they have no clue about, but if we became more inclined to looking into our own lives, we probably wouldn't be so worried. You can't look at someone and makeup your own story. I'm sure we are all guilty of this at some point or another, but it still doesn't make it right. Let's not confuse passing judgment with speaking on stupidity. When you see obvious ignorant things that should be commonsense, please don't let me stop you, speak up. The judgment I'm referring to is speaking on things you just don't understand. I know it's hard not to have your view on certain things, but don't fall victim to becoming a hypocrite, because just when you think you know a person you have no idea. My story is far too long to start from beginning to end, so I'll share some highlights good and bad of what my cover really reads.

"I came from a background that I have not let define me. My environment wanted to break me, but my passion to educate myself kept me whole." I'm a single mother, and my children are always the reason for any season in my life, because everything I work at, struggle with, achieve and fight for is always done with them in mind. I'm not perfect, but people pass judgment on me often as if I'm promoting perfection. They never seen me as a child growing up in a family oriented home, loving parents, wonderful siblings and a host of dark days. I was about 4 years old when I first discovered that my perfect little life, was actually filled with flaws. My mother Ava Foster had been dragged into the crack cocaine generation along with her sisters and life for us suddenly started to speed up. My father Frankie Foster, was a work junkie and provided everything we needed and more, but being the youngest of three girls, I had to be my mother's alibi, while my teenaged sisters Lena and Evelyn ran the streets to deal with their hurt anyway they decided. I got to go along for the get high ride, with my mother and that is precisely when my picture changed. At the time we were living in Chester, where I would be in crack infested homes waiting and watching my mother get high along with my friends parents, who were also getting high. All I remember is, me asking myself, why is this happening? How did we end up here? What can I do so that I never end back here later in life?

Them three questions went with me everywhere in life and as a young child, I knew my mom was sick. I wasn't scared, but more concerned for my mother's life and mine. By the age of seven, I could tell you what crack look like, smell like, it's texture, how many different ways to do it, cook it and yes, what it taste like. The days just got longer for me and my family was trying to maintain our family values, but my mother's addiction was winning. My father loved my mom, but the fights between them became harsh, because my dad wanted to know where my mother would have me and what was going on. My mother was certain to go over everything she wanted me to say before my father got the chance to ask. When he would ask me where we were, I so badly wanted to inform him of the nasty, unsafe and worldly things my mother had me around, but I never did. I grew up faster than most and was exposed to things a child never should be, but today I'm ready, I understand why and how we both made it out. I was there to watch over my mother and God had to be watching over us both, but in the mix of all that, there is a lot more to be told. As I grew older, I learned that my family was surrounded by a lot of secrets and like a puzzle, I was now making sense of the dysfunction that surrounded our family, but I'll stop there to say this; today I am a mother of four children, one beautiful girl and three incredible boys. It is because of my life experience I have failed a few test, but also the reason behind my determination to get backup. I forgave my mom and all the people I was around that caused me pain. Why? They did not have a clue of how I would process my information, they were looking at me like I was just a little girl, a kid with no understanding of what was really happening, but the reality was, I had more understanding than most of them adults and I learned to take my negatives, filter them out into positives and appreciate what it means to have and then lose it all. I also understood they needed prayer and love, which they were probably never given, my own mother included. I learned a lot from my struggles, some good, some bad, but what stood out to me most is; it's a fact that nothing belongs to you, because it can vanish in the blink of an eye, so appreciate all that life has to offer you good or bad, since you will need them along the way. I am living proof that your environment does not have to define you, it's how you process the information that determines that. Stand by what you believe in no matter what others opinions are and keep faith in everything you do. I teach my children to think for themselves, and never be afraid to speak up. The more knowledge you gain, the better life will be. It took me sometime to say these things out loud, but I'll never be ashamed of where I came from and when you think the way I do, understand life as have, you know exactly what you want and how to get it. I have been writing since I was about 9 years old, it was my source of therapy to healing my thoughts and letting go of my past. It wasn't easy, and I made a few mistakes, but none of which I regret and "I Never Uttered a Word till Now". You never know what you're getting from a person just by looking at them, and often you'll never understand them if you don't ask. Growing up I adapted a very good trait and that is looking deep into the words and actions that comes from a person, so I don't judge people for who they are, because I know there is a reason behind what's being reveled in front of you.

Life should be hugged by lessons, if you are not learning anything than your just passing by. Don't pass judgment on what you can't understand and start getting educated on things you may or may not bump into one day. You never know what someone is walking into once they close their door. I was inspired by a young man to share my stories out loud and from that I'm determined to inspire others, focus on my dreams and build opportunities for others. This book will be an open note, to those stuck in a masquerade of hurtful and shameful family lies. "Secrets, no lies". Confront your pass and leave it behind.