D E P T H O F T H O U G H T S

Chapter 1

Who am I?

Who AM I?

WHO am I?

I am.

Am I?

Am I someone who is afraid?

Am I someone?

Am I afraid of loneliness?

Or am I afraid of people?

What people?

Do I fear nobody sees me?

Do I fear everyone sees who I really am?

And who am I really?

Who do I fear the most?

The answers come as rain. You think you have them. And you truly do. For a while. Because the sun is what destroys our rain. We do not want the sun as the rest of the world does. We want the rain. We want the darkness. We want the answers.

Even though they do not really exist, do they?

Sun is the society.

We, children of the storm fall on the ground.

And nobody cares about us.

There are thousands.

Millions.

Billions.

Billions of us.

And yet we can't do a thing.

Everybody can dry the rain, so as everybody can make their clothes wet.

But why would they do it, sono?

We are undeniable.

We cannot pass away.

We are the society.

And yet we are not.

People talk about Friday nights out as if it was freedom.

They do not know yet.

Nobody is free as long as we are in this world.

This world was supposed to be a gift for us.

For humans.

And we?

What have we done?

We have made it a prison.

We have had so freaking much power in our hands.

We have had something you cannot get twice.

The biggest and the hardest thing to own.

Our own lives.

Why did we want more?

Why do people always want more even when they have the most?

Why do people choose leading wars over living in peace?

Why do we always want more?

Are you still asking why are we?

Why we still try to cover the sky so people can understand there is not just sun?

Why we cry in our beds entire evenings? Why we step into society door and we seem fine? We seem happy? Laughing?

I will tell you what does this stand for.

What do we stand for.

The rain.

We wake up every morning with dry salty tears in our eyes and used to what people know about us we step into the sun.

And you know what?

It is fucking tearing us apart.

We are slowly dying from seeing us and the whole world where it is.

We are dying.

We do not wait for someone to come and ask if everything is alright.

Because no one knows.

We like to wear that mask, because nobody can see how broken are we underneath those smiles.

Do we fit in?

Can we fit in?

Will we ever fit in?

Are we still humans?

Are we still?

Can the heart beat the brain?

No.

There is nothing more than what science claims.

They are just organs.

Sending messages to fingers so they can tap the keyboards on our smartphones.

Pumping the blood around our body so we will not die in our sleep.

Perhaps.

Is this what people think about us?

That we want to die?

Maybe we are different, but it does not mean we are wrong.

We ARe the same.

We are the samE.

We kNow whaT love is.

We know what pain is.

We know what being hopeless feels like.

We have been rejected for so many times.

And you know.

Do you know for what?

For being ourselves.

Sun does not like the clouds, because when they stay too close, it has no chance to shine.

Clouds do not care about others, they protect the sun from them.

But...

The sun does not know.

All it cares about is itself.

And I can only stand there and watch.

Watch him forget me.

We gave up on love long ago.

But if one of our stars turns cold,...

If one of our stars turns into rain,...

We can forgive.

It is our weakness.

We are already dead.

Seeking for the best place to rest our heads.

Seeking for understanding in this world.

Seeking for silence.

Because we are lonely wolves.

Howling for prey.

Who are we?

Why are people watching us walking the streets?

Because we are invisible.

We no longer wait for past.

The past is never where you think you left it.

We can catch the water into vases.

We can tear off flowers.

And yet the water dries.

And yet flowers die.

We have got less than we think.

And we depend on what is killing us.

I do not want this.

I never did.