Levi x Reader - Falling Down, Falling Up

Levi's P.O.V.

Hate wasn't a strong enough word for me. Abhorrence, animosity maybe?  I'm not sure, maybe there isn't a word to express how I felt. Maybe my hatred is something more like an emptiness. Maybe it was just the pain in my chest when I looked at you. It felt like a cold black, filled with your absence. I was dissatisfied with myself, wishing it could be any other way than this. All I knew is I hated myself and the way I treated you. A girl like you deserves the world, and absolutely nothing less. You deserved some guy to show up in a tux with flowers and chocolates every time he had the privilege of laying eyes on you. Unfortunately, you fell in love with me, and I fell in love with you. And I am not that guy to run up to you with flowers and chocolates.

And the worst part is?

I knew it hurt.

I could tell, each time we drink tea together in the mornings, that you just wanted me to say something kind to you. It shouldn't have been so hard for me to either. Just a simple smile would do. Bad sadly, that's not the way my fucking disgusting brain works. Instead, I ended up calling you a vulgar name and mildly insulting you. I could tell when you were ready for me to kiss you, and I'd just turn to the side and change the atmosphere. I knew you wished I was different, that I could somehow express how I feel inside.

The feeling is there though. It took me a long time to figure out how I felt, but I finally came to my senses. I loved you. And I'm so helplessly in love with you still. The day I finally told you that, you were beyond shocked but overwhelmed with happiness. I wished I could still make you feel that way. But I can't change who I am. I can't change the way my mind sends signals through my body. My heart wants to hug you and pour our my soul to you. But that would be too fair, so my head prevents me from acting out my undisclosed urges.

Even with my love for you though, you knew you could do better than me. Eventually, you let me go in the kindest way possible, confessing you had found love in another. I wasn't surprised, but it still fucking hurt. Heartbreak was the only term I could conjure up for such a feeling. I could feel myself falling down into a thick, infinite black. There was no more light, it had all left with you. For the first time in several years, I sobbed my heart out behind closed doors. This time, you weren't there to hold me and tell me it'll be ok though. You were in the arms of some other man now, a man that treated you better than me. The only thing that set my mind slightly at ease was knowing that you finally got what you deserved.

Weeks and months past, and the falling feeling never left. I would see you two together, genuine happiness beaming from your figure. There was no artificial smile like the one you would give me from time to time, you were truthfully satisfied with your situation. I would often imagine I was the one holding your hand and kissing you gently. At night I would close my eyes, and think of romantic scenarios with you that would never happen. I was so lonely, the absence of you tearing at the seams of my heart. Sometimes it made me feel at ease to pretend, but more often than not it caused me to drink until I believed it was real. You were still kind to me when your saw me from time to time, but a hint of sorrow always seemed to be present in your eyes. I honestly couldn't tell at the time if you didn't want to see me or if you felt guilty for your actions. I wouldn't get the real answer until later on, but it was worth every second of waiting.

The best night we've ever shared was the one where we weren't together anymore. It took me by surprise to see you in my room, but I supposed it was something to do Erwin's expedition plans. I became completely bewildered though when you wrapped your arms around me and kissed me lovingly. I probably should have told you to stop because of your new lover, but I needed your warmth. Even if it was only for that night. We made sweet, tender love all night between my sheets, releasing all of our pent up desire for each other. Chills ran up and down my body, loving the sensation of being inside the one I loved once more. Touching you like that was such a privilege, one I had missed so dearly. There was hardly a moment where we weren't kissing passionately and holding each other close. The one mistake I made that night, would end up being the greatest thing I could have ever done. Without thinking and with half lidded eyes, the simple phrase 'I love you' escaped my mouth. You took a moment and looked at me with a heavy heart. I thought you were going to reject my feelings, but instead you too let out the beautiful phrase 'I love you.' At that very moment, the feeling of falling down ended, knowing that you still loved me. Everything was still, in a strange limbo state.

When I woke up the next morning, I noticed the radiant sunshine for the first time in a long time. A blanket of warmth had returned to my body. The whole morning felt great, especially waking up to you. We had tea like we use to, but only this time, I was able to laugh and smile to you. You went off with your squad though, and I left to go train with mine. The air was crisp and clear, the scent of grass and flowers wafting about. I went a bit easier on everyone that day, being in such a lovely mood. After all, getting laid could make any guy's day. Things only became better when you came to sit with me in the mess hall at lunch. It was nice to see you in that spot next to me you had abandoned for quite some time. You leaned over and whispered in my ear, telling me beautiful words that melted my heart. You told me you and your boyfriend had ended things, revealing to him that you had never stopped loving me. The stillness had ended, and I started to feel myself falling up, going slowly towards the light. I was thrilled to have you back, but there was still work to be done. I had to learn to let my guard down at times and to show you my love. You had assured me that last night was worth more than any words, so I suppose I was on the right track. I asked you what made you come back to me, and the words you said were the most beautiful thing next to 'I do.'

"Every time I saw you after our relationship had ended, I was only reassured more that I shouldn't have let you go. It made me sad to remember I didn't have what I once had. I missed you, and I remembered how much I loved you."

The whole ordeal sent me through quite emotional highs and lows, feeling the extremes of both. I was just happy to have you back and build a relationship stronger than ever. How I got so lucky to have a girl like you, I'll never know. Falling up was the greatest feeling though, because it brought me closer to the light. And you are my light.